Hello, I’m Michael Moran. You know me. I’m lovely and fluffy and I don’t think anyone’s an arsehole. Not even you.
But I also pay attention to what people say on Twitter and I’ve got a fairly clear idea of who everyone else thinks is an arsehole.
That’s what qualifies me to be Britain’s leading Arsehole Premier League tipster. No personal axe to grind, and a wealth of information about public opinion. You’d almost call me an expert, if we weren’t all sick of experts.
Here are the contenders for the next round of the APL. And remember, if you’re betting on APL, gambling involves risk. Please only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. Or other people’s money, if you’re an MP.
Jeremy Hunt vs Rupert Murdoch
This is the big one. The venerable tortoise that presides over half of the UK’s media takes on the fluffy mammal who torpedoed the NHS.
It’s a tough one to call but if you want a tip from me, people feel more sanguine about switching off their TV than their old nan’s life-support. Put your money on the mammal.
Richard Littlejohn vs Tony Blair
Tony Blair gets a lot of bad press. He’s responsible for taking us into a pointless war that cased an immense loss of life. Quite a few people see that as a bad thing.
Richard Littlejohn creates a lot of bad press. He makes a tidy living jotting down populist flannel about how awful it is to live in the UK based on his experience of living in one of the nicer parts of Florida.
Tony’s done a lot more good for the UK than Big Rich ever will, but I still think he’ll edge the Arsehole vote on the night.
Rebekah Brooks vs Philip Hammond
Flame-haired Medusa of the popular press up against the greyest man in politics? I can’t see Hammond winning this one.
Even if you remind them that he’s the one with a face like a can-opener most people won’t remember who he is. Even he forgets who he is sometimes. Brooks by a length,
Liam Fox vs Paul Dacre
Liam Fox is the classic oily MP. Up to his curvaceous hips in expenses scandals, and forever being papped on the Red Carpet escorted by close friend Adam Werritty while wearing nothing but an oleaginous smile and a suit you paid for.
Meanwhile Dacre’s only crime, one might reasonably argue, is giving a lot of people the kind of news they want, with a side salad of the kind of ultra-soft-core pornography they also want.
Nevertheless only a fool would bet against the Derry Street man at this stage of the tournament, and he stands a fair chance of going all the way. Sexy.
Melanie Phillips vs Mike Ashley
Mad Mel takes on who?
Even I had to look him up, and I’m a well-known Arsehole Game tipster. He’s the Sports Direct bloke. The only people who are going to vote for him now he’s fallen off the news cycle are disgruntled sportwear salespeople.
Then again the only people who will chose Mel are the few of us that still have the energy to stay up for Question Time. It’s a coin-toss, this one, tbh.
Nigel Farage vs Louise Mensch
One self-confessedly has a mind addled by years of caning it like a champ. The other always has the air of having gone one single malt too far in the Saloon bar.
Can we blame either of them for coming out with oddball statements that can be as baffling as they are hard to agree with? Nevertheless I reckon Farage will win this six-pointer by a country mile.
Iain Duncan Smith vs Kelvin MacKenzie
Both potential giant-killers…but against each other it’s a fixture too tight to call.
I think IDS will just about nick it if only because I know from bitter experience that the Great British Public are always against the bald man, and because IDS sounds a but like a sort of tummyache. The cue-ball’s a reasonable each-way bet.
Toby Young vs Katie Hopkins
Rabble-rousers both, but Toby caters to a better class of rabble. Tobes will try to privatise your kids’ school, while La Hopkins just shouts unkind remarks through the railings.
Recognisability alone will make She Who Must Not Be Tagged Into Your Tweets the ringpiece of the round.
Boris Johnson vs Piers Morgan
Another two big beasts of the arsehole game. In any other season, Morgan would give Bojo real trouble, but on present form he’s lodged so far up Donald Trump’s hoop he might well miss the match altogether. Put your money on the Eton man.
Theresa May vs Michael Gove
Theresa May, you might think, was just the last one standing after the referendum music stopped and all the Brexiteers grabbed a chair. Gove, equally, was just the one who thought about grabbing a chair but then thought about standing up and ended up falling over.
Neither of them seem equipped to compete in the top flight of the ‘being an arsehole’ game. Could easily be a dead-heat. Or one of those annoying 52% – 48% splits you keep reading about. If you have to bet, bet on Govey. The recognisability factor might just carry him over the line.