Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, sultan of sexy socialism Angry Salmond guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Paul Dacre Vs Piers Morgan
I’m often accused of being a “Cybernat” on Twitter, but I don’t think that we should be worrying about internet trolls when the far bigger problem of people still buying the Daily Mail exists. For those unfamiliar, the Mail is essentially a dirty magazine for right-wingers. The paper frequently depicts Muslims as terrorists, benefit claimants as liars and immigrants as scroungers. It’s a hate-rag that has been known to view the suffering of English tourists as more significant than the suffering of refugees fleeing conflict zones. The Mail’s bigoted brand of journalism is produced under the cloak of “Britishness”, which somehow justifies its chauvinistic negativity. In my view, this putrid paper is a reflection of its editor, Paul Dacre. Accordingly, I believe Mr. Dacre will win this round comfortably. Paul is one of the many reasons bloodsuckers like Piers Morgan can still find an outlet for their car salesman politics. The king will always be more hated than his pawns, and Mail Editor Dacre outranks the worm-like Morgan. My hope is that, in an independent Scotland, the Daily Mail will be replaced by The Dandy.
Paul Dacre 75% – 25% Piers Morgan
Philip Hammond Vs Nigel Farage
Like its inevitable winner, this contest is a no-brainer. Nigel Farage looks like what what would happen if Kermit the Frog actually banged Miss Piggy, and the inner workings of his mind are equally unsightly. The media referring to him as a “man of the people” is pretty ridiculous given how much Farage seems to dislike most people on this planet. He appears determined to solve every problem with racism. I genuinely believe that Nigel wants the British workplace to resemble the Death Star; all white, English males in love with an Empire. Indeed, the former UKIP leader has become quite the little pissed-up Palpatine; like the deceitful Sith lord, Farage’s dark influence is never far away from catastrophic political events. He is arguably the driving force behind Brexit, and the rise of the alt-right, as well as being a malevolent adviser to Donald Trump. Of course, in truth, Nigel is little more than a sycophant, grovelling at the feet of fascism. For all his talk, Farage has never been elected in Britain. He is a double-dealing hypocrite who has spent most of his life speaking out against the EU and immigrants, all whilst gleefully spending his MEP salary on projects that could see him migrate to the US. Farage might claim that an independent Scotland would be governed by Brussels, but, compared to him, that would be bloody spectacular.
Philip Hammond 10% – 90% Nigel Farage
Richard Littlejohn Vs Rebekah Brooks
Bouncing between the Sun and the Daily Mail like an intolerant tennis ball, Richard Littlejohn been a haemorrhoid on the arse of journalism since the late 1980s. Aside from his questionable writings on homosexuality, transgender teachers and ethnic minority workers, Littlejohn’s most dislikeable personality trait might be his insistence on telling Britain how to live whilst spending most of his time in Florida. That said, I must give this round to Rebekah Brooks. As much as Richard’s opinions are, for the most part, ungodly awful, they are simply opinions. Brooks, in contrast, has been the executive officer for some of the worst newspapers in existence, including one that was shut down due to widespread criminality. Under Rebekah’s watch, the News of the World hacked the voicemail of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler to access messages left by her parents. It’s true that Brooks was cleared of all charges directly related to phone hacking, but her poor managerial oversight allowed it to harm the lives of countless celebrities and members of the public. This, coupled with the fact that she received a £10.8m payoff for leaving News International, makes her an unquantifiable arsehole. Imagine Murdoch bankrolling you for a year off, and never thinking to give any of the money to the families harmed by your professional failures. Brooks will win this round easily.
Richard Littlejohn 20% – 80% Rebekah Brooks
Katie Hopkins Vs Mike Ashley
Mr Ashley’s business practices might have brought woe to employees and football fans alike, but Katie Hopkins’ truly horrible rhetoric has indirectly affected thousands of minorities across the UK. Her verbal venom has become so over-the-top in recent times, that I’m surprised Hopkins hasn’t suggested that Santa is an illegal immigrant, and that she prays he dies in a sleigh crash over the Mediterranean. With sentiments as offensive as hers, the UK needs Katie Hopkins like human beings need fire ants in their eyes. However, that hasn’t stopped her gaining a significant fan following, and to a very large degree, normalising alt-right opinions in Britain. We know that the number of racially motivated attacks has gone up considerably in recent years, and these figures mirror Hopkin’s rise within popular culture. History might not remember Mike Ashley fondly, but it is likely to take a far worse view of Katie Hopkins. When children study the rebirth of western fascism in the 21st century, Hopkin’s face will certainly feature in a text book or two. Moreover, Katie claiming that she speaks for the UK is one of my top reasons for wanting Scotland out of it.
Katie Hopkins 80% – 20% Mike Ashley
Kelvin MacKenzie Vs Michael Gove
Kelvin MacKenzie symbolises everything that is wrong with modern mainstream journalism. Conversely, Michael Gove strikes me much more as a clueless idiot than a spiteful villain. He is very much like the character of Ellis in Die Hard, a well-intentioned moron, who tries to help, but his incompetence and hateable personality result in his swift demise. Of course, like the smarmy Ellis, Gove not only manages to hurt himself, but others around him. The lies about NHS funding that were splashed across his Big Red Bullshit Bus were an incentive for gullible Englanders to vote Leave during the EU Referendum. As much as these statistics were utter nonsense, I think that Michael Gove actually believed they were accurate. This says a lot about Gove’s own personality: he greatly overestimates his own talent whilst being strung along by immoral people in positions of real power. Frankly, if somebody as stupid as Gove has deceived you, there is a chance that you are more of an arsehole than he is. Kelvin MacKenzie will win this hands down.
Kelvin MacKenzie 70% – 30% Michael Gove
Iain Duncan Smith Vs Tony Blair
IDS isn’t so much anti-EU as he is anti-you and anti-I; he could preach fairness whilst kicking a flaming child in the nuts without flinching. However, this round has to go to the monarch of malevolence that is Tony Blair. The Chilcot Report solidified the former PM’s place as one of the most dangerous politicians in history. The Iraq War was horrific on many levels, but the fact that Britain’s participation was the result of one irrational man is perhaps the most disturbing. Blair went against millions of people, simply because he thought that he knew better. Ironically, he acted in a dictatorial manner to remove a dictator. Frankly, I don’t understand why the media quote Tony as if he’s some sort of innocent, balanced, non-psychopathic person. He isn’t. Worse yet, newspapers have begun asking if Blair should return to politics in the wake of Brexit. To any rational person, asking if Tony Blair should return to politics is like asking if Harold Shipman should return to medical practice. This same lunatic, who took us into Iraq, also thinks that keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom is smart. Thankfully, history has taught us that if Blair thinks it’s a good idea, it’s probably not a good idea. One day, as President of the Independent Republic of Scotland, I will march Blair all the way to The Hague in my pink beret and shades. Scottish independence and criminal charges brought against Tony Blair? That’s the sexist thing I could possibly imagine!
Iain Duncan Smith 1% – 99% Tony Blair
Boris Johnson Vs Toby Young
Somehow Boris Johnson, a man with all the geographical understanding of a toilet brush, is Britain’s Foreign Secretary. I would say that from a Scottish perspective this is absolutely laughable, but I genuinely don’t believe there is a country on the planet that would view this as a wise, or indeed sane, appointment. Certainly, it’s ironic that Boris is up against Toby Young, the author of “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”, considering he has done such a spectacular job of losing friends in Europe, and alienating Britain from the rest of the word. In fact, just this week he accused the EU of contemplating Nazi-style punishment beatings on Britain in revenge for Brexit. It’s true that this is an irresponsible, offensive and deeply immature claim. However, when you consider that Boris looks like he’s just escaped from the darkest recess of CBeebies, it’s hardly surprising that he has such a childish approach to international relations. Wacky haircut and wobbly voiced charm aside, Boris is a hazardous Tory capable of embarrassing his nation on the world stage. A clear victory for the Brexit buffoon here.
Boris Johnson 95% – 5% Toby Young
Melanie Phillips Vs Theresa May
Theresa should win this round with ease. Melanie Phillips, though hardly the type of human you’d enjoy a drink with, is simply a commentator. Out with of her seemingly limitless appearances on BBC Question Time (I believe she is stored in a box with the lighting rig and stage set), she can be disregarded as necessary. Theresa Mayhem, unfortunately, is a bit like diarrhoea, in that even if you do ignore her, she won’t go away. The right-wing press have heralded Theresa as the Second Coming of Thatcher. Which is reasonably accurate, as the only significant difference between Thatcher and May is that Thatcher was elected. That said, it’s hard to imagine that the Iron Lady would ever have been as reckless as May has been with geopolitics. I’ve been on drunken nights out with more viable planning and care than Theresa has demonstrated with Brexit. The PM’s plan to leave the European Union is every bit the hazardous, undemocratic, nationalism-fuelled disaster we thought it would be. Ultimately, we are dealing with a Tory Prime Minister, who is, by her own admission, willing to kill 100, 000 innocent people with a WMD, and stupid enough to put Boris Johnson in front of the world’s news media. In my view, Theresa May has done more for Scottish independence in a matter of months than many Yes politicians have managed in years.
Melanie Phillips 10% – 90% Theresa May
Rupert Murdoch Vs Louise Mensch
Louise Mensch once confused Brexit with a nightclub. In fairness though, the media confuse her opinions with reasoned political commentary all the time. Indeed, her Twitter account has become legendary for all the wrong reasons since she surrendered her role as MP for Corby. The amount of social blunders, absurd conspiracy theories and confused rants she has posted on Twitter has resulted in her locking her account in order to decrease public ridicule. Of course, anyone who uses social media will know that you can’t put a padlock on stupidity, and screengrabs of her continued Twitter gaffes regularly appear online. That said, Louise Mensch, like many of the lower grade competitors in this contest, is merely an antagonistic idiot. Rupert Murdoch, on the other hand, is very much a sinister mastermind. Much like Paul Dacre, Murdoch is an enabler of the dumb, and without his gluttonous villainy at the top of the prick pyramid, people like Louise Mensch would be unheard of. A clear win for Murdoch.
Rupert Murdoch 70% – 30% Louise Mensch
Jeremy Hunt Vs Liam Fox
In recent years, Jeremy Hunt has been a breakout star in terms of being a shit. Going from a relative unknown to one of the most hated human beings in Britain, in the space of only a few years, is no mean feat. Liam Fox’s breaking of the ministerial code and expenses indulgences seem like distant memories in the wake of Hunt’s rampant destruction of the NHS. His transparent mishandling of the Health Service – in order to privatise it – has gotten so bad that the British Red Cross recently declared a humanitarian crisis in hospitals across England. What makes this worse is that Hunt, and his allies, claimed that the term humanitarian crisis was “inappropriate”. The Tories actually felt like they had the right to lecture the Red Cross on the definition of a humanitarian crisis. In my view, Hunt will absolutely storm this round. Frankly, his abhorrent attitude towards the working conditions of NHS staff, the quality of healthcare to patients and general disregard for human life could make him a favourite to win this entire fucking contest.
Jeremy Hunt 99% – 1% Liam Fox