Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, actor and musician Sean Biggerstaff guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Philip Hammond vs Theresa May
Oh, come on. This is like asking, who’s more of an arsehole: a lump of wood or the cunt that just hit you on the head with it? Hammond has no agency. He’s there to get alternately stroked and smacked into doing what May wants, the fucking idiot. May’s got that lethal combination of having no discernible abilities combined with an absolute conviction that she’s the dog’s bollocks and more than a little streak of cruelty. Her tenure at the Home Office achieved almost nothing even on its own warped terms, and all at the expense of a great deal of harm to a great many people. I’m already getting nostalgic for David Cameron, for Christ’s sake. Heavyweight arsehole.
My vote: May
Prediction: Hammond 30% May 70%
Rebekah Brooks vs Rupert Murdoch
Darth Vader vs Emperor Palpatine. An almost impossible choice. Although Vader at least demonstrated right at the end that there was some sliver of humanity left in him, and I’m not aware of Brooks ever having done this.
Murdoch will win this match as he currently has more evil on his record, but probably only because he’s older. He’s nearly dead and her eminence is yet to peak. One to watch for future arsehole competitions.
My vote: Murdoch, just.
Prediction: Brooks 20% Murdoch 80%
Katie Hopkins vs Paul Dacre
I’ve actually read Mein Kampf, and I’m not kidding when I say most of it isn’t as bad as that Katie Hopkins column about refugees. It’s impossible to tell which of her awful opinions she actually holds and which she just spouts for the sheer sociopathic joy of upsetting every warm-blooded human in the country. Either way, there’s no disputing her fitness for competitive arseholery at the top level.
Still a tough call for me though as Dacre is one of the UKs most capably awful people. He consciously cheers on hate (at the DM they actually call their copy ‘hate’) and stokes up dangerous political unrest at every opportunity, and even his own staff don’t get a moment’s rest from his inexhaustible malicious fury. For me it’s a tie, but I reckon Hopkins current profile will see her through this match.
My vote: Abstention
Prediction: Hopkins 70% Dacre 30%
Tony Blair vs Jeremy Cunt
Hmm. Tough one, actually. Hear me out…⁰Of course the obvious choice is to go for the big ol’ war criminal Blair, but this is a game of arseholes, not the Hague, alas. I reckon ‘Tony’ genuinely has a messiah complex and by his own lights has always done the right thing. (He’s definitely mostly done the wrong thing.)
Cunt, although he has nothing remotely like the prodigious rap sheet Blair has, is a classic Tory with a capital C who knows fine well he’s doing the Devil’s work and doesn’t give two shits because he’s getting on just fine.
My vote: Cunt
Prediction: Blair 70% Cunt 30%
Mike Ashley vs Louise Mensch
Ah, Louise Mensch. The hating man’s crumpet. With a random generator of confused, quasi-Thatcherite horseshit where her brain should be. Headache-inducingly terrible as she is, I don’t think she can hold a candle to Ashley, who actively and cheerfully profits from dystopian worker conditions. He also owns football clubs, and that’s for cunts.
My vote: Ashley
Prediction: Ashley 60% Mensch 40%
Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson
I’ve done my research (i.e. looked at wikipedia for five minutes – more than he ever does) and I cannot find anything positive or even neutral to be said for Richard Littlejohn. He seems to spend just about every waking second thinking up unpleasant and/or untrue things to say about people for money. He’s an unmitigated arsehole.
However… Here he is up against an arsehole of truly historic proportions. Alexander Boris ‘Boris’ de Pfeffel (?) Wankface ‘BJ’ Arsehole ‘Boris’ Johnson will do literally anything in service of his own shitty self. There are Tory cunts, and then there is BJ. There are cynical careerists, and then there is BJ. There are entitled, out-of-touch blue bloods, and then there is BJ. He fucked the entire country in the arse over Brexit for the sake of his own ambition and he KNOWS this and he STILL carries on with nothing whatever but his own advancement in his foggy, half-understood classics tutorial of a mind. I hate him. I fucking hate him. I’ve never in my life had violent fantasies, but since June 24th 2016 I have yearned to feel this cunt’s fat face crumble under my bleeding knuckles. Unbeatable arsehole.
My Vote (and personal preference for the title): Johnson
Prediction: BJ 90% Littlejohn 10%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Melanie Philips
No contest. Philips is, I think, wrong about almost everything and often quite cruel with it. (Fuck knows what the ‘gay lobby’ is) She’s arrogant, self-righteous and almost completely intolerable, but I don’t think she’s entirely malignant in her intentions.
MacKenzie, on the other hand, is just a blob of nastiness with a central nervous system. The shamelessness required to keep shitting out his own brand of awfulness, even after the Hillsborough verdict, is almost impressive. A pedigree Arsehole.
My vote: MacKenzie
Prediction: Mckenzie 70% Philips 30%
Toby Young vs Liam Fox
To read Toby Young’s review of I, Daniel Blake is to get an object lesson in what it is to be a stupid, ignorant, arrogant, snide, lazy, heartless, clueless, no mates tory hack. But at the end of the day, what Toby says doesn’t really matter. Everyone knows he’s worthless. Whereas the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox has all these charming qualities and more and is, amazingly, a fucking government minister, AGAIN. Having this out of his depth, self-serving toad flying around the world representing us in important discussions with other countries is extraordinarily stupid and dangerous. Massive arsehole.
My vote: Fox
Prediction: Young 40% Fox 60%
Iain Duncan Smith vs Peers Morgane
Duncan Smith is an elite competitor here, without a doubt. There has been quite a rash of supposedly compassionate Conservatives coming out with actual Nazi rhetoric in the last few years, but IDS takes the trophy. Having previously written about a visit to Auschwitz, and made explicit reference to its notorious welcoming sign – “Albeit Macht Frei“- he can hardly claim it was an ignorant blunder when he came out with the jaw-dropping, “Work actually helps free people.” during an interview on the BBC. Often to be seen sneering dismissively whenever anyone points out how many vulnerable people have died as a result of his policies, this man is an iconic arsehole.
He’ll surely make short work of Peers Morgane who, although he can be an awful cunt, also took a righteous stance on gun control during his stint as a US TV host, and he once punched Jeremy Clarkson in the face, which mitigates hugely in his favour.
My vote: IDS
Prediction: IDS 80% Peers Morgane 20%
Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage
Now, Michael Gove is a vintage twunt and no mistake, but let’s be real. In November, Nigel Farage (Rhymes with ‘garage’ – and no, not the American way) finally dropped any pretence of being anything other than the would-be leader of a fascist uprising when he threatened to lead a 100,000 strong march on the Supreme Court for daring to do their job, you know, independently. This cunt is a Hitler in the making, only lacking the Fuhrer’s charisma and honesty. Fuck Nigel Farage. Fuck him to death.
My vote: Farage
Prediction: Gove 10% Farage 90%
If you don’t follow Sean on Twitter then you should definitely consider doing so immediately. Follow him here