The Arsehole Premier League is an English league for professional arseholes. At the very top of the English arsehole league system, it is the country’s primary arsehole competition, and it is contested by 20 arseholes.

The seasons run from August to May. Arseholes play 38 matches each (playing each arsehole in the league twice, home and away), totalling 380 matches in the season. Most games are played on Saturday and Sunday afternoons; others during weekday evenings.

The outcome of each fixture is determined by a public vote.

Arseholes receive three points for a win and one point for a draw. No points are awarded for a loss. Teams are ranked by total points, then vote difference, and then votes received. The three lowest placed arseholes are relegated into the Arsehole League Championship, and the top two teams from the Championship, together with the winner of an arse-off are promoted in their place.

The top four arseholes in the Arsehole Premier League qualify for the Arsehole Champions League.

For the avoidance of doubt, the voting is the only genuine thing on this site – all profiles, match previews and reports are entirely fictional, and made up by the minds of people who have too much time on their hands. They are not to be taken as factual, and are clearly an attempt to parody sports coverage.