Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, Hopeless Surfer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Rupert Murdoch vs Liam Fox
Rupert Murdoch has had some off pitch distractions lately, including his 100th attempt to grab Sky, and as a result he may not be 100% match fit. However, even a cursory glance of Murdoch’s ProZone stats shows that he always puts in a professional display: he’s CuntleFuckery score has never dipped below a remarkable 97%! Poor old Liam Fox has never shaken off the plucky also-ran tag but since the Brexit result was announced, he appears to have found renewed belief in himself. Fox thinks that this could be his year, and not a day goes by without the Dull Grey Fox sticking his face in a newspaper or camera demanding a Hard Brexit in the next 90 minutes. Such dedication to training means that his ProZone scores are showing improvement. But, when push comes to arsehole Murdoch is a seasoned pro and I expect him to win comfortably.
Murdoch 96% – Fox 4%
Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage
This could be the glamour tie of the round. It pits a snivelling backstabber, who ditched a close friend at the slightest whiff of power against a jumped up noisehole who failed to win a seat in Thanet on no less than 5,867 separate occasions. Gove has a razor sharp brain which he hones by belittling toddlers and trying to justify the ravings of Donald trump. On the other hand, Farage has a sharp razor and he isn’t afraid to use it should you turn your back. The match will feature a contrast in styles, as Gove’s aloof, silky shiteprose takes on the blokey, crazy foreigner bashing of Farage. The bookies are offering decent odds on Gove in order to temp punters in but I think we all know that Farage is going win.
Gove 27% – Farage 73%
Katie Hopkins vs Rebekah Brooks
Poor Rebekah Brooks is trading on past glories, having never returned to the heady heights of her triumphant “phone hacking” season which saw her name on the lips of the nation, immediately followed by a gobbing to the pavement. Her powers have waned considerably and she is no match for Katie Hopkins. Hopkins continues to raise the bar for aspiring sycophantic attention seeking arseholes around the world
Katie Hopkins 95% – Rebekah Brooks 5%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Richard Littlejohn
The Hillsborough Horror takes on the man who loves to criticize life in modern Britain from his home in Florida. This will be like an old fashioned “blood and guts “ Old Firm derby: two strongmen willing to deliver a sly punch to the back of an opponents head and then kick them as they lie defenceless on the ground. You can rely on solid performances by these two arsecankers week in, week out, so it will always be a close result. I have flipped a coin and gone for a Mackenzie win.
Kelvin MacKenzie 66% — Richard Littlejohn 44%
Tony Blair vs Melanie Phillips
After being forced out some years ago by his assistant manager Tony Blair has forged a lucrative career making special appearances in foreign leagues. Blair has never lost his touch though, so you still need to check that your wife is standing beside you whenever he leaves the room. This season Blair has never lost a match in which he was leading at the interval. Phillip’s career has seen her play more and more on the right wing where she looks very comfortable. Philips has never finished above Blair since the formation of the Arsehole Premier League and this match will be no different.
Tony Blair 76% – Melanie Phillips 14%
Mike Ashley vs Iain Duncan Smith
If there is one thing you need to win the Asehole Premier League it is stability, and stability is the one thing that Mike Ashley is unable to provide. His turbulent life on and off the pitch ensures that he is too busy fighting self-lit fires to go on a consistent run. IDS meanwhile has turned his season around since Brexit and the once “Quiet Man” can’t shut the fuck up now. His love of taunting the opposition and his squeaky voice ensure an overwhelmingly negative reaction. Even his name is annoying: which bit is his given name and which bit his surname? Is he “Ian Duncan” Smith? or “Ian” Duncan Smith or is the whole thing his surname and he was never given a first name by his parents?
Mike Ashley 16% – Iain Duncan Smith 84%
Paul Dacre vs Toby Young
I imagine Paul Dacre is the ABU of the Arsehole Premier League – everyone agrees that he is a top tier arsehole but no one wants him to win the league. His publications are nothing more than a stream of consciousness attack on the poor, the vulnerable, the unfortunate and the foreign. Toby Yong recently dismissed his technical coaches and fitness experts because the advice they gave him “don’t ring true.” He also sacked his assistant coach when no one turned up for a planned training session. These setbacks have only increased Young’s belief in his own ability.
Paul Dacre 78% – Toby Young 22%
Louise Mensch vs Jeremy Hunt
No one doubts Mensch’s ability or dedication, but making New York her home ground has distracted from her performances in the domestic league. It is rare for Mensch to put on a display which creates national headlines these days. Jeremy Hunt works out daily by happy slapping the NHS into submission. His high profile attack formation ensures a widespread and vocal reaction from the crowd so I predict a win for him.
Louise Mensch 29% – Jeremy Hunt 71%
Piers Morgan vs Theresa May
Every year Piers Morgan aims for a top four finish in the Arsehole Premier League, and every year Piers Morgan disappoints. He has strengthened his attack and now scores on TV, social media and in the papers. As a result he is the bookies favourite for this years Bollox d’Or. Theresa May is making headlines thanks to a new “Hard Brexit” formation. Her no-nonsense aggressive approach to the opposition certainly plays well with her home supporters. But even taking her recent performances into account, I can’t see her beating Morgan just yet.
Piers Morgan 77%- Theresa May 33%
Philip Hammond vs Boris Johnson
No need to analyze this game too much – Johnson’s weakness for solo runs, insulting foreigners on their home turf, and his penchant for wrestling members of the opposition’s youth squad to the ground will, see him defeat Hammond easily.
Philip Hammond 7% – Boris Johnson 93%