Day: February 3, 2017

Week 24 Preview: Michael Moran

Hello, I’m Michael Moran. You know me. I’m lovely and fluffy and I don’t think anyone’s an arsehole. Not even you.

But I also pay attention to what people say on Twitter and I’ve got a fairly clear idea of who everyone else thinks is an arsehole.

That’s what qualifies me to be Britain’s leading Arsehole Premier League tipster. No personal axe to grind, and a wealth of information about public opinion. You’d almost call me an expert, if we weren’t all sick of experts.

Here are the contenders for the next round of the APL. And remember, if you’re betting on APL, gambling involves risk. Please only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. Or other people’s money, if you’re an MP.

Jeremy Hunt vs Rupert Murdoch

This is the big one. The venerable tortoise that presides over half of the UK’s media takes on the fluffy mammal who torpedoed the NHS.

It’s a tough one to call but if you want a tip from me, people feel more sanguine about switching off their TV than their old nan’s life-support. Put your money on the mammal.

Richard Littlejohn vs Tony Blair

Tony Blair gets a lot of bad press. He’s responsible for taking us into a pointless war that cased an immense loss of life. Quite a few people see that as a bad thing.

Richard Littlejohn creates a lot of bad press. He makes a tidy living jotting down populist flannel about how awful it is to live in the UK based on his experience of living in one of the nicer parts of Florida.

Tony’s done a lot more good for the UK than Big Rich ever will, but I still think he’ll edge the Arsehole vote on the night.

Rebekah Brooks vs Philip Hammond

Flame-haired Medusa of the popular press up against the greyest man in politics? I can’t see Hammond winning this one.

Even if you remind them that he’s the one with a face like a can-opener most people won’t remember who he is. Even he forgets who he is sometimes. Brooks by a length,

Liam Fox vs Paul Dacre

Liam Fox is the classic oily MP. Up to his curvaceous hips in expenses scandals, and forever being papped on the Red Carpet escorted by close friend Adam Werritty while wearing nothing but an oleaginous smile and a suit you paid for.

Meanwhile Dacre’s only crime, one might reasonably argue, is giving a lot of people the kind of news they want, with a side salad of the kind of ultra-soft-core pornography they also want.

Nevertheless only a fool would bet against the Derry Street man at this stage of the tournament, and he stands a fair chance of going all the way. Sexy.

Melanie Phillips vs Mike Ashley

Mad Mel takes on who?

Even I had to look him up, and I’m a well-known Arsehole Game tipster. He’s the Sports Direct bloke. The only people who are going to vote for him now he’s fallen off the news cycle are disgruntled sportwear salespeople.

Then again the only people who will chose Mel are the few of us that still have the energy to stay up for Question Time. It’s a coin-toss, this one, tbh.

Nigel Farage vs Louise Mensch

One self-confessedly has a mind addled by years of caning it like a champ. The other always has the air of having gone one single malt too far in the Saloon bar.

Can we blame either of them for coming out with oddball statements that can be as baffling as they are hard to agree with? Nevertheless I reckon Farage will win this six-pointer by a country mile.

Iain Duncan Smith vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Both potential giant-killers…but against each other it’s a fixture too tight to call.

I think IDS will just about nick it if only because I know from bitter experience that the Great British Public are always against the bald man, and because IDS sounds a but like a sort of tummyache. The cue-ball’s a reasonable each-way bet.

Toby Young vs Katie Hopkins

Rabble-rousers both, but Toby caters to a better class of rabble. Tobes will try to privatise your kids’ school, while La Hopkins just shouts unkind remarks through the railings.

Recognisability alone will make She Who Must Not Be Tagged Into Your Tweets the ringpiece of the round.

Boris Johnson vs Piers Morgan

Another two big beasts of the arsehole game. In any other season, Morgan would give Bojo real trouble, but on present form he’s lodged so far up Donald Trump’s hoop he might well miss the match altogether. Put your money on the Eton man.

Theresa May vs Michael Gove

Theresa May, you might think, was just the last one standing after the referendum music stopped and all the Brexiteers grabbed a chair. Gove, equally, was just the one who thought about grabbing a chair but then thought about standing up and ended up falling over.

Neither of them seem equipped to compete in the top flight of the ‘being an arsehole’ game. Could easily be a dead-heat. Or one of those annoying 52% – 48% splits you keep reading about. If you have to bet, bet on Govey. The recognisability factor might just carry him over the line.

You can follow Michael on Twitter here, here and here

Guest predictions: How did Bozwonk do?

We asked Bozwonk to predict the results of the midweek fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Rupert Murdoch vs Nigel Farage

Bozwonk’s prediction: Murdoch 52% – 48% Farage

Correct score: Murdoch 44% – 56% Farage

Nil points

Philip Hammond vs Richard Littlejohn

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hammond 74% – 26%  Littlejohn

Correct score: Hammond 32% – 68% Littlejohn

Nil Points

Louise Mensch vs Theresa May

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Mensch 37% – 63%  May

Correct score: Mensch 41% – 59% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Iain Duncan Smith

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hopkins 78% – 22%  IDS

Correct score: Hopkins 72% – 28% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Toby Young

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Blair 87% – 13% Young

Correct score: Blair 45% – 55% Young

Nil points

Piers Morgan vs Melanie Phillips

Bozwonk’s prediction: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct score: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Paul Dacre vs Jeremy Hunt

Bozwonk’s prediction: Dacre 63% – 37% Hunt

Correct score: Dacre 42% – 58% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Boris Johnson

Bozwonk’s prediction: Ashley 5% – 95% Johnson

Correct score: Ashley 24% – 76% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Liam Fox

Bozwonk’s prediction: Gove 98% – 2% Fox

Correct score: Gove 85% – 15% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Rebekah Brooks

Bozwonk’s prediction: MacKenzie 80% – 20% Brooks

Correct score: MacKenzie 83% – 17% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Bozwonk scores 44 points!

Follow Bozwonk on Twitter here and play Brexit or Remain? here every night at 9.30pm. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Bozwonk

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Angry Salmond 35

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22