Day: December 13, 2016

Week 16 Predictions: Sean Biggerstaff

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, actor and musician Sean Biggerstaff guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Philip Hammond vs Theresa May

Oh, come on. This is like asking, who’s more of an arsehole: a lump of wood or the cunt that just hit you on the head with it? Hammond has no agency. He’s there to get alternately stroked and smacked into doing what May wants, the fucking idiot. May’s got that lethal combination of having no discernible abilities combined with an absolute conviction that she’s the dog’s bollocks and more than a little streak of cruelty. Her tenure at the Home Office achieved almost nothing even on its own warped terms, and all at the expense of a great deal of harm to a great many people. I’m already getting nostalgic for David Cameron, for Christ’s sake. Heavyweight arsehole.

My vote: May

Prediction: Hammond 30% May 70%

Rebekah Brooks vs Rupert Murdoch

Darth Vader vs Emperor Palpatine. An almost impossible choice. Although Vader at least demonstrated right at the end that there was some sliver of humanity left in him, and I’m not aware of Brooks ever having done this.

Murdoch will win this match as he currently has more evil on his record, but probably only because he’s older. He’s nearly dead and her eminence is yet to peak. One to watch for future arsehole competitions.

My vote: Murdoch, just.

Prediction: Brooks 20% Murdoch 80%

Katie Hopkins vs Paul Dacre

I’ve actually read Mein Kampf, and I’m not kidding when I say most of it isn’t as bad as that Katie Hopkins column about refugees. It’s impossible to tell which of her awful opinions she actually holds and which she just spouts for the sheer sociopathic joy of upsetting every warm-blooded human in the country. Either way, there’s no disputing her fitness for competitive arseholery at the top level.
Still a tough call for me though as Dacre is one of the UKs most capably awful people. He consciously cheers on hate (at the DM they actually call their copy ‘hate’) and stokes up dangerous political unrest at every opportunity, and even his own staff don’t get a moment’s rest from his inexhaustible malicious fury. For me it’s a tie, but I reckon Hopkins current profile will see her through this match.

My vote: Abstention

Prediction: Hopkins 70% Dacre 30%

Tony Blair vs Jeremy Cunt

Hmm. Tough one, actually. Hear me out…⁰Of course the obvious choice is to go for the big ol’ war criminal Blair, but this is a game of arseholes, not the Hague, alas. I reckon ‘Tony’ genuinely has a messiah complex and by his own lights has always done the right thing. (He’s definitely mostly done the wrong thing.)
Cunt, although he has nothing remotely like the prodigious rap sheet Blair has, is a classic Tory with a capital C who knows fine well he’s doing the Devil’s work and doesn’t give two shits because he’s getting on just fine.

My vote: Cunt

Prediction: Blair 70% Cunt 30%

Mike Ashley vs Louise Mensch

Ah, Louise Mensch. The hating man’s crumpet. With a random generator of confused, quasi-Thatcherite horseshit where her brain should be. Headache-inducingly terrible as she is, I don’t think she can hold a candle to Ashley, who actively and cheerfully profits from dystopian worker conditions. He also owns football clubs, and that’s for cunts.

My vote: Ashley

Prediction: Ashley 60% Mensch 40%

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

I’ve done my research (i.e. looked at wikipedia for five minutes – more than he ever does) and I cannot find anything positive or even neutral to be said for Richard Littlejohn. He seems to spend just about every waking second thinking up unpleasant and/or untrue things to say about people for money. He’s an unmitigated arsehole.

However… Here he is up against an arsehole of truly historic proportions. Alexander Boris ‘Boris’ de Pfeffel (?) Wankface ‘BJ’ Arsehole ‘Boris’ Johnson will do literally anything in service of his own shitty self. There are Tory cunts, and then there is BJ. There are cynical careerists, and then there is BJ. There are entitled, out-of-touch blue bloods, and then there is BJ. He fucked the entire country in the arse over Brexit for the sake of his own ambition and he KNOWS this and he STILL carries on with nothing whatever but his own advancement in his foggy, half-understood classics tutorial of a mind. I hate him. I fucking hate him. I’ve never in my life had violent fantasies, but since June 24th 2016 I have yearned to feel this cunt’s fat face crumble under my bleeding knuckles. Unbeatable arsehole.

My Vote (and personal preference for the title): Johnson

Prediction: BJ 90% Littlejohn 10%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Melanie Philips

No contest. Philips is, I think, wrong about almost everything and often quite cruel with it. (Fuck knows what the ‘gay lobby’ is) She’s arrogant, self-righteous and almost completely intolerable, but I don’t think she’s entirely malignant in her intentions.
MacKenzie, on the other hand, is just a blob of nastiness with a central nervous system. The shamelessness required to keep shitting out his own brand of awfulness, even after the Hillsborough verdict, is almost impressive. A pedigree Arsehole.

My vote: MacKenzie

Prediction: Mckenzie 70% Philips 30%

Toby Young vs Liam Fox

To read Toby Young’s review of I, Daniel Blake is to get an object lesson in what it is to be a stupid, ignorant, arrogant, snide, lazy, heartless, clueless, no mates tory hack. But at the end of the day, what Toby says doesn’t really matter. Everyone knows he’s worthless. Whereas the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox has all these charming qualities and more and is, amazingly, a fucking government minister, AGAIN. Having this out of his depth, self-serving toad flying around the world representing us in important discussions with other countries is extraordinarily stupid and dangerous. Massive arsehole.

My vote: Fox

Prediction: Young 40% Fox 60%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Peers Morgane

Duncan Smith is an elite competitor here, without a doubt. There has been quite a rash of supposedly compassionate Conservatives coming out with actual Nazi rhetoric in the last few years, but IDS takes the trophy. Having previously written about a visit to Auschwitz, and made explicit reference to its notorious welcoming sign – “Albeit Macht Frei“- he can hardly claim it was an ignorant blunder when he came out with the jaw-dropping, “Work actually helps free people.” during an interview on the BBC. Often to be seen sneering dismissively whenever anyone points out how many vulnerable people have died as a result of his policies, this man is an iconic arsehole.

He’ll surely make short work of Peers Morgane who, although he can be an awful cunt, also took a righteous stance on gun control during his stint as a US TV host, and he once punched Jeremy Clarkson in the face, which mitigates hugely in his favour.

My vote: IDS

Prediction: IDS 80% Peers Morgane 20%

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Now, Michael Gove is a vintage twunt and no mistake, but let’s be real. In November, Nigel Farage (Rhymes with ‘garage’ – and no, not the American way) finally dropped any pretence of being anything other than the would-be leader of a fascist uprising when he threatened to lead a 100,000 strong march on the Supreme Court for daring to do their job, you know, independently. This cunt is a Hitler in the making, only lacking the Fuhrer’s charisma and honesty. Fuck Nigel Farage. Fuck him to death.

My vote: Farage

Prediction: Gove 10% Farage 90%

If you don’t follow Sean on Twitter then you should definitely consider doing so immediately. Follow him here

Guest Predictions: How did Rich Smith do?

We asked NewsThump editor Rich Smith to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Nigel Farage vs Rebekah Brooks

Rich’s Prediction: Farage 70%- 30% Brooks

Correct score: Farage 86% – 14% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Rich’s prediction: Murdoch 75% – 25% Mackenzie

Correct score: Murdoch 72% – 28% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Louise Mensch vs Philip Hammond

Rich’s prediction: Mensch 80% – 20% Hammond

Correct Score: Mensch 88%- 12% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Richard Littlejohn

Rich’s prediction: Fox 40% – 60% Littlejohn

Correct score: Fox 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Tony Blair

Rich’s Prediction: Morgan 65% – 35% Blair

Correct score: Morgan 72% – 28% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Boris Johnson

Rich’s Prediction May 55% – 45% Johnson

Correct score: May 39% – 61% Johnson

Nil points

Jeremy Hunt vs Iain Duncan Smith

Rich’s prediction: Hunt 60% – 40% IDS

Correct score: Hunt 61% – 39% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Toby Young

Rich’s prediction: Gove 80% – 20% Young

Correct score: Gove 78% – 22% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Melanie Phillips vs Katie Hopkins

Rich’s prediction: Phillips 20% – 80% Hopkins

Correct score: Phillips 9% – 91% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Mike Ashley

Rich’s prediction: Dacre 65% – 35% Ashley

Correct score: Dacre 72% – 28% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Rich scores 51 points!

You can follow Rich on Twitter here Go! Now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. Jason Spacey 48

6. Summer Ray 46

7. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Gary Stanton 41

8. Oonagh Keating 37

8. Jim Smallman 37

8. Sir Michael 37

9. Professor Jack Darcy 35

10. Doc Hackenbush 32

11. Tiernan Douieb 24

12. Otto English 22