Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
Boris Johnson v Jeremy Hunt
Jeremy Hunt recently spent twelve hours on an NHS trolley, where he lied to a Junior Doctor about his symptoms. Today’s opponent Boris Johnson has spent the months since becoming Foreign Secretary trying to convince EU leaders that he’s a competent politician rather than a corpulent albino fuckwit. There’s little to choose between these two arseholes, though Hunt is the least likely to be killed on a bicycle by a taxi driver with glaucoma.
Johnson 45% – 55% Hunt
Richard Littlejohn vs Melanie Phillips
Melanie Phillips has famously described herself as a liberal “mugged by reality”, a reality in which she is forced to watch imagined gay sex acts every time she leaves her secure compound. Likewise, Richard Littlejohn has a recurring nightmare in which he is rimmed by a burly Polish builder in his own bathroom, who then bribes him and sends the money back to his family in Krakow at a favourable exchange rate.
Littlejohn 55% – 45 Phillips
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Louise Mensch
Racial theorists recently proposed that humanity consists of three distinct groups: Untermensch, Ubermensch and Louise Mensch. Nobody can forget how the intellectual heavyweight Mensch put James Murdoch on the back foot at a Commons Select Committee by repeatedly quizzing him about his childcare arrangements.
When The Sun newspaper recently removed all of its tits, the biggest one was left behind the editor’s desk. The truth is MacKenzie is such an arsehole that he recently got drunk at a funeral, urinated on the mourners and picked the pockets of a grieving widow. Actually, I made all of that up, but I’d hate a lie to drag on for twenty years.
MacKenzie 75% – 25% Mensch
Tony Blair vs Theresa May
It’s a tough one. Both have experience of running a country….. into the ground. Blair edges it because Mrs May lacks the necessary experience of murdering innocent Iraqi children in their droves, destabilising an entire region and promoting John Prescott to Deputy Prime Minister.
Blair is still popular as an after dinner speaker in Iran, where many people name their kids Tony in honour of either him or the lead singer of Spandau Ballet, who has never used his music to oppose their program of covert plutonium enrichment.
Blair 60% – 40% May
Toby Young vs Piers Morgan
Former Top Chef run-around, Toby Young, believes any utopian vision end is destined to end with a metaphorical boot stamping on a human face, however most people would happily settle for kneeing the smarmy cunt in the bollocks. Over and over again. Piers Morgan, who is known professionally as Piers Morgan, has a lot of critics. All that can really be said in his defence is that he has yet to murder a sub-editor while listening to Huey Lewis and the News.
Young 30% – 70% Morgan
Iain Duncan Smith vs Nigel Farage
This top-of-the-bill clash of arseholes will have the punters licking their non-racist lips.
IDS should set his stall out early by resisting calls for a minute’s silence in memory of those who have died as a direct result of his benefit reforms. Farage, meanwhile, was recently filmed at a mock ambassador’s reception holding aloft a foreign tray of Fererro Rocher. “A brittle exterior and lacking any real substance,” was one guest’s verdict. “The chocolates are a fucking disgrace too.”
IDS 50% – 50% Farage
Mike Ashley vs Rupert Murdoch
Shit football team-owning millionaire lard-arse versus lizard-skinned antipodean shitemonger. Murdoch could find this encounter tough-going, especially if Ashley forbids the use of routine toilet breaks. Realistically, though, Murdoch should have this one in the bag because, for all Ashley’s faults, he has yet to approve a range of tracksuits that celebrates the premature deaths of 323 Argentinian sailors in the South Atlantic.
Ashley 45% – 55% Murdoch
Philip Hammond vs Paul Dacre
Hammond is currently wallowing near the bottom of the APL, due to having the charisma of a chartered accountant in a persistent vegetative state. Fans can expect Dacre to go on the attack early doors by exposing Hammond’s father as a dead Marxist who hates Britain from beyond the grave, irrespective of whether he currently resides in a poorly-staffed Surrey care home. There’s a free pack of gardening seeds for the winner.
Hammond 20% – 80% Dacre
Rebekah Brooks vs Michael Gove
Self-taught horse rider Rebekah Brooks was kept on as editor of the News of the World after a summer placement. Brooks later failed to notice the phone-hacking scandal taking place beneath her nose after purchasing shit varifocals in a two-for-one offer from Vision Express. Today’s opponent, Michael Gove, has denounced the socialist urge, which seeks to meddle in people’s lives by offering them free healthcare, a well-paid job and affordable housing. Brooks could gallop to victory, but not before Gove stabs her and her horse in the back with his truth-dagger.
Brooks 35% – 65% Gove