Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, Twitter satirist Unnamed Insider runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Michael Gove Vs Theresa May
This has to be a slam dunk for Gove. Theresa May is clearly a dreadful Diet-Thatcher but she also sacked George Osborne, and put the people shouting loudest for Brexit right into positions to kill their careers when it inevitably degenerates into a fucking shambles. Also importantly she is not David Cameron. Whereas Michael Gove looks like someone explained a human being over the phone, in a hurry. His policies were so idiotically poorly conceived that he’d barely complete the press conference before issuing a U-turn. Like political Herpes he’s only gone for now.
Gove 70% – 30% May
Philip Hammond vs Rebekah Brooks
It’s got to be Rebekah Brooks, she has the kind of memory problems that make the guy from Memento seem like Derren Brown, she was so incompetent she didn’t notice widespread hacking, even when she was paying people to do it, yet she has been welcomed back to News Corp with open arms. Philip Hammond has the kind of dreary background evil which is a prerequisite of being on the Tory front bench, bigotry and indifference to suffering, standard stuff. Rebekah Brooks is so incredibly villainous that if she was in a movie you would think the writer was being lazy.
Hammond 25% – 75% Brooks
Paul Dacre vs Liam Fox
Paul Dacre by a nose. The former disgraced minister and undoubtedly, future disgraced minister Liam Fox isn’t going to let the sheer improbability of his comeback stop him completely fucking it up, calling the businesses he was supposed to be supporting “fat and lazy”. He has the face of man who eats a lot in service stations and wakes every morning still in his clothes, thinking “oh shit who did I text last night?!” On the other hand, Paul Dacre is one of the worse human beings alive. His festering boil of a newspaper ladles bigotry and demonization of the vulnerable into the open mouths and closed brains of the dribbling hominids that read it. However he has been clever at keeping a fairly low profile, so a lot of people have no idea who he is.
Dacre 55% – 45% Fox
Katie Hopkins vs Toby Young
Katie Hopkins without a moments doubt. I feel kind of sorry for Toby Young, you can just picture him at school hanging by his pants from a clothes hook. He is a whining, cautionary tale of a man, whose vindictive politics clearly come from endless rejection and friendlessness. Katie Hopkins on the other hand would drown a refugee herself if it gave her 1000 new twitter followers, and would then write an article entitled ‘If Muslims love Allah so much why did this one struggle so much when I sent her to meet Him?’. If she hasn’t had a sex dream about Trump, I’ll eat my hat.
Hopkins 88% – 12% Young
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Iain Duncan Smith
This is a really tough one. Iain Duncan Smith is a Roald Dahl level of evil, smirking as he took from the poor and sneering as he made the disabled dance for their supper. However, Kelvin MacKenzie’s disgusting coverage of Hillsborough and utter refusal to take responsibility even after the truth was revealed, along with a career of the kind of journalism which would make Goebbels go, “woah steady on fella!” make him a strong contender. Overall though IDS’s rebranding of the disabled as workshy chancers put him ahead.
MacKenzie 40% – 60% IDS
Tony Blair vs Richard Littlejohn
Tony Blair by a country mile. First of all, I have a confession to make, I don’t think Tony Blair is an evil person. I think he is (or at least was) a well-meaning person who has done incredibly appalling things. Whereas Richard Littlejohn is an evil person who has just written some shitty articles. Littlejohn may be a racist, sexist, homophobic half-wit who doesn’t allow his catchphrase ‘you couldn’t make it up’ to stop him frequently making it up, but his actions didn’t kill 100,000s of Iraqis, and ultimately create ISIS.
Blair 90% – 10% Littlejohn
Piers Morgan vs Boris Johnson
I hate Piers Morgan, he is the poster boy of smug self-regard and sanctimonious hypocrisy. He has managed to brush over the fact he faked pictures of British soldiers pissing on Iraqi prisoners at a time when this would have put their lives in danger. I really like Boris, he is funny, self-deprecating and clever. However he is far and away a bigger arsehole than Piers Morgan. From smashing up restaurants with the Bullingdon club to being recorded discussing paying a contract for a journalist to be beaten up, he has shown himself to be a massive bastard. This is before you consider his disgustingly naked bigotry during the Brexit campaign, his dodgy connections to the Chinese companies he has negotiated development deals with as London Mayor, or his love child. But because “it’s Boris, good old affable oaf Boris” the vote will be Piers.
Morgan 72% – 28% Johnson
Rupert Murdoch vs Jeremy Hunt
It’s going to be Jeremy Hunt. It’s really hard to say if it should be or not. Rupert Murdoch is Bleofeld, the head of Hydra, Moriarty, if he ripped his face off and he turned out to be Satan himself, you would think “yeah that figures”. However, he has been keeping his head down recently. Jeremy Hunt not only has taken the NHS out into the street and kicked it to death, not only taken the most famously overworked job of Junior Doctor and rebranded them workshy, not only privatised the country’s most loved public institution through the backdoor, but he did the most evil thing of all…. HE ANNOUNCED HE WAS LEAVING AND THEN FUCKING STAYED!!!! What a monster!
Murdoch 21% – 79% Hunt
Mike Ashley Vs Melanie Phillips
Definitely Mike Ashley. Mike is the worst boss we’ve all had, that total shit who ruined our lives whilst calling women “sugar tits” and going for lunch at a lap-dancing club. He has improbably managed to take being a shitty boss to an entirely new level treating his staff so appallingly I am amazed he wasn’t visited by plagues of locusts and boils. He is the only micromanager to mysteriously not have a clue how his staff were treated or what the company policies were. Melanie Phillips is just a bigot, and worse a hypocrite. She is happy to describe Muslims as ravenously murderous in one breath and then scream “anti-Semitism!!!” in the next when someone dares to criticise the policies of Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu. However, when this hatchet-faced racist pops up on BBC Question Time I can just turn over, whereas for thousands of Sports Direct employees, Mike is there. Every. Fucking. Day.
Ashley 82% – 18% Phillips
Louise Mensch vs Nigel Farage
Louise Mensch is tiresomely self-regarding and treated Brexit with the same level of triviality and blind ignorance as a Justin Belieber fan, but she will never have any effect on any of our lives. Farage has changed the UK for the worse, probably forever. He has taken racism, a concept which we had seemingly permanently positioned as appalling, and rebranded it. Closet racists, xenophobes and bigots have been given carte blanche to take opinions that up until now they had saved for the Daily Mail Comments section and scream them out loud at passing strangers with a foreign accent or brown skin. He has taken us out of the EU on a Leave manifesto so bullshit-heavy that it bends the fabric of space-time. Then he fucked off to leave us to pick up the pieces. If I passed Nigel on the street, I would struggle to resist punching him in his drunk-sweat-shiny face. A win for Nigel.
Mensch 38% – 68% Farage
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