Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, stand-up comedian and writer Jim Smallman runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Rupert Murdoch vs Melanie Phillips
I reckon Phillips throws this one. After all, she spouts her “opinions” for the Times and that’s owned by Uncle Rupert so she’s unlikely to rock the boat too much. Won’t be a total whitewash though as you don’t get given Stonewall’s “Bigot of the Year” unless you’re a complete arse. But Murdoch is our evil lizard overlord, so he wins.
Murdoch 72% Phillips 28%
Philip Hammond vs Iain Duncan Smith
Smith hates disabled people, Hammond hates anybody who has a personal fortune of less than his estimated £9 million. Tight one this, but I imagine Smith takes it in a result so controversial that it makes his university degree seem legit.
Hammond 49% Smith 51%
Louise Mensch vs Liam Fox
Does anybody know what Louise Mensch actually does? We know what Fox does, some politics but mainly claiming expenses. Louise Mensch being part of this is akin to dropping a former Big Brother contestant in a celebrity reality TV show. You don’t know why they’re there or what they do, but you know that you despise them. She takes this one.
Mensch 58% Fox 42%
Paul Dacre vs Theresa May
Interesting clash this, between the person who rules the country, shapes all the political decisions, influences the voter… and Theresa May. I mean, our Prime Minister may have put more restrictions on immigration when she was Home Secretary, but compared to Dacre’s thoughts that get filtered through the pages of the Daily Mail she positively loves foreigners. That said, May takes it because she’s PM and in the prime position to be shot at (that’s a metaphor, PLEASE GET THE SWAT TEAM TO STAND DOWN)
Dacre 35% May 65%
Michael Gove vs Boris Johnson
A clash of the titans, just remove the “an”. This would be called a “grudge match” in professional wrestling as two former friends collide. I only hope that Gove withdrawing his support for Boris to declare his own running in the Conservative leadership election was done via steel chair to the cranium./ This comes down to who the great British public want to punch less, so Gove takes it because a fair few people still think Boris is a hilarious character act.
Gove 57% Johnson 43%
Katie Hopkins vs Richard Littlejohn
The best thing that could happen here is an incredibly localised meteor strike that merely hits the dressing rooms of the two competitors. I imagine Paul Dacre watching his two “journalists” scrapping it out, occasionally saying “good” in the same style as Emperor Palpatine. Two monumental bell-ends of the highest order, but Hopkins takes it thanks to her recent efforts to reinvent herself as an investigative journalist.
Hopkins 71% Littlejohn 29%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Toby Young
The only thing worse than reading a Toby Young column is having him wander in to the restaurant you own and proceed to critique everything you do, like he even knows how to make a risotto. MacKenzie always going to win this, because whilst Young is certainly an arsehole, MacKenzie had thirteen years editing the Sun and there’s only really Hitler and a select few other people who are more evil than him.
MacKenzie 90% Young 10%
Mike Ashley vs Nigel Farage
Both men have somewhat reinvented themselves recently, with Ashley’s Sports Direct agreeing to make their working conditions slightly less like a Siberian plutonium gulag, and Farage getting confused as to when Movember is. Both are utterly loathsome, but Farage gets this one because most of Ashley’s biggest detractors aren’t allowed a break with which to place their vote.
Ashley 38% Farage 62%
Piers Morgan vs Jeremy Hunt
Good lord. On one hand you have Piers Morgan, a man so loathsome that Jeremy Clarkson can punch him three times and most of the country says “well, it’s Piers Morgan”. On the other hand, you have a man who gets sexually excited at the thought of breaking up the NHS. This one to be decided by one vote from Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey, screaming “this is for calling me whatshisname”.
Morgan 51% Hunt 49%
Tony Blair vs Rebekah Brooks
TWO MATES COLLIDE! This’ll be interesting, but probably comes down to what makes you despise someone more: Is it that they led us into an unethical war willy-nilly with not a thought to the consequences then claiming they knew nothing about it, or is it because they’re ginger and like hacking into phones then claiming they knew nothing about it? Blair takes this one on name recognition alone.
Blair 67% Brooks 33%