Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, Dan Sweryt guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Jeremy Hunt vs Piers Morgan
This will show how much people despise more a man whose rantings mean nothing at all in the grand scheme of things over a man who is literally breaking the Health Service.
Jeremy Hunt 40%-60% Piers Morgan
Richard Littlejohn vs Katie Hopkins
I’d like this result to be indicative of the populist rhetoric both purvey, but I’ve been told the numbers have to add up to 100.
Richard Littlejohn 23%-77% Katie Hopkins
Rebekah Brooks vs Tony Blair
Someone whose utter lack of morals and illegal actions should have led to lengthy imprisonment… will lose to Tony Blair.
Rebekah Brooks 35%-65% Tony Blair
Liam Fox vs Louise Mensch
Pretty close in what is the APL’s equivalent of a unwatchable game between Aston Villa and Middlesbrough
Liam Fox 49%-51% Louise Mensch
Melanie Phillips vs Rupert Murdoch
I’m a bit wary if this one tbh. But only because I’m not sure if Melanie can manage as much as 1% against the megabucks of Dick Murdick.
Melanie Phillips 1%-99% Rupert Murdoch
Iain Duncan Smith vs Philip Hammond
Philip Hammond just can’t a break in this league, can he? May fair better in the Arsehole Championship next year alongside the mediocre likes of David Davies, Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds.
Iain Duncan Smith 82%-18% Philip Hammond
Nigel Farage vs Mike Ashley
Now he’s finally reached his life’s goal, achieving everything he’s ever assumed to achieve, Nigel gets asked the same question by everyone: “Nigel, why don’t you just fuck off?”
Nigel Farage 76%-24% Mike Ashley
Toby Young vs Kelvin MacKenzie
Toby may have written ‘How To Lose Friends And Alienate People’ but MacKenzie has lived it.
Toby Young 15%-85% Kelvin MacKenzie
Boris Johnson vs Michael Gove
Awesome! The ‘local’ Twat derby everyone’s been waiting for! It would be an utter travesty if this ended anything other than 48-52 surely! But which way? Personal hatred of Gove overrides common sense.
Boris Johnson 48%-52% Michael Gove
Theresa May vs Paul Dacre
Complete lack of conviction and charisma mean the PM is way out of her league. As usual.
Theresa May 34%-66% Paul Dacre