Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, founder of the Social Inclusion Football League Paul Auntie guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Philip Hammond vs Tony Blair
Not seen much of these two in action this season so I can only go on recent results. Philip Hammond, I think, was responsible for the organ sound of such luminaries as The Prisoners and the James Taylor Quartet. I can only assume he has made it into the APL because Stereolab championed the Moog. Tony Blair, so legend has it, brought the Labour Party to power and then declared war on the world. Still, it meant his wife Una Stubbs could tell Tony’s Brother Lionel to fuck off without fear of retribution.
Hammond 16% – 84% Blair
Louise Mensch vs Richard Littejohn
Louise Mensch is so right wing she was once signed by Harry Rednapp when he was in charge of QPR. Unfortunately her debut only lasted 2 minutes after she complained to the bench that the hoops on her jersey made her look fat on the telly. Stupid bitch. Let’s get this straight, because I know you’re all thinking it. Richard Littlejohn was not in the Communards… No, Richard is the jowly journo from the Daily Mail. A paper so right wing it has moved its offices to Devon. Winner takes all…
Mensch 52% – 48% Littlejohn
Boris Johnson vs Katie Hopkins
Everyone’s favourite children’s entertainer Boris Johnson currently sits in mid-table. A lack of consistency has been his downfall so far this season as lapses in concentration have left him in bongo land. Silly Boris. Whilst the Stork that delivered Katie Hopkins is yet to get an audience with the Parole Board at the Middlesbrough Wildlife Penitentiary, the gobby Sugarette will surely prove too strong for Boris in a clash that has been sponsored by Durex.
Johnson 39% – 61% Hopkins
Mike Ashley vs Kelvin MacKenzie
Newcastle Utd owner and human trafficker Mike Ashley had no idea he was playing this weekend when I phoned him during the week. But he did offer me a half-price blood-stained tracksuit in lime green…which I politely declined. Once upon a time Kelvin MacKenzie was born and was instantly the apple of his Mothers eye. He made funny little gurgling noises and all the nurses laughed and cooed. He was so cute. What happened Kelvin? What the fuck happened to you? You disgusting piece of shit.
Auntie’s NAP Ashley 24% – 76% MacKenzie
Jeremy Hunt vs Rebekah Brooks
Immortalised in Cockney rhyming slang, Jeremy Hunt has stated that he is keen for this fixture to go ahead but admits it may get cancelled at the last minute. When I asked him to elaborate on this over a Merlot at a Travel Lodge on the A1, Jeremy declined to answer simply saying that we were now out of ‘normal hours’. “But it’s a Saturday Jeremy, it’s a Saturday!” I slurred. Rebekah Brooks was once married to Grant Mitchell.
Hunt 60% – 40% Brooks
Rupert Murdoch vs Toby Young
Rupert Murdoch is running away with the APL title and I can’t see anyone catching him. Which is ironic considering The S** reported him dead a few years ago. Christened Keith, this Antipodean has everything including Supermodel Jerry Hall. But is he happy? Yeah, whatever. In answer to Toby Young’s question “Would a middle-aged man who’s just had a heart attack really be declared ‘fit for work’?” Yes Toby. Yes he would. That’s your Arsehole criteria met right there. Eject that Best of M People CD, leave your des res and smell the cheap coffee you eternal loser.
Murdoch 85% – 15% Young
Liam Fox vs Melanie Phillips
Dr Fox was arrested on 30th September 2014 at Magic FM…oh, hang on. Serial Tory Leadership candidate Liam Fox was arrested at…Oh well, why not? Bloody Tories…I’m running out of steam here. Melanie Phillips. Who the hell is Melanie Phillips? Oh okay, a Liberal who has been mugged by reality. Clearly both Arseholes. I’ll go for Foxy as he needs all the support he can get post-Brexit.
Fox 65% – 35% Phillips
Paul Dacre vs Nigel Farage
This is the weekend’s big derby. The battle of middle England, fought in the swathing country estates where the Grouse wear ear muffs in their bunkers and Dacre and Farage dance around a Maypole spilling their jugs of Real Ale. Hurrah! Unfortunately, Paul Dacre remains triumphant following his Brexit campaign as he hypnotises Daily Mail readers via remote control and the occasional reader offer of free AA road maps.
Nigel Farage meanwhile is a bloke’s bloke. Booze, fags, birds. Yeah, what a bloke! Except he’s a middle-class tosser who can’t tell the time. You got the booze, fags and birds right but it’s the 21st century Nige, 21st century…
Dacre 32% – 68% Farage
Piers Morgan vs Michael Gove
Michael Gove has the poshest lips I have ever seen. They simply glisten and pout as droplets of spittle dance merrily to his posh boy rhetoric. Currently in rehab for wanting to give Angela Merkel one, Michael has been given special dispensation to honour this fixture. The sexy beast. Whether he’ll come away with all 3 points is another thing though. With home advantage Piers Morgan is no pushover. The Gooner from, erm, Sussex is a thoroughbred at spouting shit. It’s a tough call this one but I’m going for a Piers win because I want a quiet life and he said he’d introduce me to Susanna Reid.
Morgan 57% – 43% Gove
Theresa May vs Iain Duncan Smith
Uber-chick Theresa May text me this morning to ask if I could mention her stylish footwear as Jimmy Choo was looking to personally sponsor this fixture. I had to let her down as Iain Duncan Smith had already secured the services of Wynsors. Because Iain cares he felt Wynsors shoes were priced fairly for hard-working families although he did apologise if you have lost your feet and Atos deemed you fit to walk 200m unaided. He really does care y’know.
May 49% – 51% Duncan Smith