Tony Blair

Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
64

Anthony Charles Lynton Blair is a warmongering Christ fanatic who served as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1997 to 2007.

Blair was born in Edinburgh, Scotland, on 6 May 1953. As a child he would spend the majority of his time placing toy plastic soldiers in hazardous situations. One particular incident, in which he placed an entire battalion of World War 2 British infantry figures into a deep fat fryer, resulted in the temporary closure of the Chorister School canteen.

From 1961 to 1966, Blair boarded at Fettes College, during which time he learned to make reasonably effective machine gun noises with his mouth. During a trip to a local toy shop, Blair purchased several well-equipped Action Man figures and a large box of smaller, less able brown soldiers. While the Action Man figures suffered casualties in the ensuing battle, losses for the brown soldiers were catastrophic. It was in the aftermath of this carnage that Blair found Jesus.

After Fettes, Blair spent time in London where he attempted to find fame as a musician. These ambitions proved short-lived when his brand of generic rock combined with World War 2 battle reenactments failed to attract a profitable fan base.

After graduating from Oxford in 1975 with a Second-class Honours B.A. in Sinister Smiles, Blair joined the Labour Party.

In 1982, Blair was selected as the Labour candidate for the safe Tory seat of Beaconsfield. However, he lost the by-election and 10% of the vote after local newsagents captured and killed several voters who they suspected of Guardian reading.

Blair was elected as MP for Sedgefield in 1983 after campaigning on left-wing policies that he would later abandon like a stolen shopping trolley.

In 1987 he stood for election to the shadow cabinet, and in 1992, under John Smith, he became shadow Home Secretary.

Blair wanted to appeal to the middle class, and after eating pate that had a slice of orange in the aspic (meat jelly), he argued that the working class and trade unions were “boring and probably don’t even know what melba toast is”.

When John Smith died suddenly in 1994, Blair beat John Prescott and Margaret Beckett in the subsequent leadership election. One of his first moves as leader was to abandon the party’s core principles. Labour was now New Labour

Labour won a landslide victory in the 1997 general election, on account of not being called the Conservative Party. Blair’s childhood fascination with putting toy soldiers in hazardous situations soon took a more serious turn when he ordered real British troops into actual battles five times in his first six years in office. Blair strongly supported the foreign policy of fellow warnographer and God maniac George W. Bush. After asking themselves ‘what would Jesus do?’, Blair and Bush concluded that Jesus would be absolutely fine with killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people.

Blair has consistently rejected accusations of war crimes despite them being entirely justified. He maintains that he committed crimes against peace, crimes against humanity, and genocide in “good faith”.

 

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Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total