Theresa May

Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
61

Theresa Mary May, Britain’s second female Prime Minister, is the result of a cloning experiment carried out by the Conservatives during the 1980s. Healthy stem cells were taken from the then PM Margaret Thatcher’s pancreas and bombarded with gamma radiation to produce a future leader capable of fighting the entire class of an inner-city comprehensive school or a bearded trade unionist.

Genetic mutations mean that May is not an exact clone of Thatcher. In contrast to the former PM, May requires daily injections of Vitamins D, K and B1 in order to maintain a liberal stance on social issues.

May identifies herself as a one-nation conservative, believing Britain lies at the centre of the known universe and that other nations, planets and stars revolve around it. This view is disputed by most leading scientists and cosmologists such as Stephen Hawking, Roger Penrose and Dara O’Briain.

May’s famous ‘kitten heels’ are fashioned from the skin of an endangered leopard that she shot on a family day out to Knowsley Safari Park in June 2003. May received a life ban for the act, which she later contested unsuccessfully. May is also barred from Dudley Zoo after targeting a rare White Rhinoceros for its ivory. The Tory leader claimed she only wanted the precious material to make a chess set for her husband and wasn’t prepared to travel to Uganda again in case she caught malaria.

Following the General Election in 2010, May was appointed Home Secretary. During her tenure she pursued a hardline drugs policy and introduced fines for sniffing crack, the homosexual orgy drug ‘poppers’ and the lethal substance known as “khat”, which is chewed by first generation Somalis and Peter Mandelson.

May also oversaw the deportation of Abu Qatada and the cleric Abu Hamza, whom she accused of stealing clothes from her washing line using a specially adapted hand shaped like a hook.

Since becoming PM, May has replaced all coffee tables inside Number 10, with glass ones from IKEA. The highly sought after items retail at £39.99 and have sufficient crawl space for a Junior Civil Servant.

 

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Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total