Rupert Murdoch

Rupert-Murdoch
Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
86

The exact date of Scrotum-face media baron Rupert Murdoch’s birth is shrouded in mystery. Some say that he was born in the 1930s, others that he attained immortality after drinking a potion of dragon semen and panda tears sometime during the 12th century. Advocates of the 12th century theory point to an unaired episode of Desert Island Discs in which all Murdoch’s song choices are Gregorian chant and his luxury item is an alchemy set.

Murdoch entered the British newspaper market in 1968 when he acquired the News of the World, followed by the purchase of The Sun a year later. Albert ‘Larry’ Lamb, whom Murdoch appointed as editor of The Sun, recalled that Murdoch told him: “I want a newspaper written by cunts for cunts and with lots of tits in it”. In 1997 The Sun attracted 10 million daily cunts.

In 1981, Murdoch bought the Times and Sunday Times. He told Harold Evans, editor of the Times, “I want a paper written by cunts for cunts, but I want it to have bigger pages, longer words and fewer tits.”

Murdoch’s publications were supportive of the Conservatives during the 80s and early 90s. Murdoch switched his allegiance to Tony Blair’s Labour Party prior to the 1997 general election. They would spend many hours strolling hand in hand along the beach, discussing policy, pausing only to watch the sunset.

Murdoch ended his relationship with Blair after suspecting him of having an affair with Wendy Deng (Murdoch’s third wife). Deng, tired of being in relationships with power-obsessed maniacs, has since settled down with Beelzebub.

In 2010, Murdoch attempted to take full control of BSkyB, and despite completing a successful takeover of Jeremy Hunt, the deal collapsed when details emerged of the News of the World’s phone hacking exploits.

Despite portraying itself as a patriotic, family friendly newspaper, the News of the World hacked the mobile phone of a murdered schoolgirl and the relatives of dead UK soldiers. Rebekah Brooks, who was editor of the NOTW at the time, was questioned by the Metropolitan Police about the hacking. Brooks claimed that as the editor responsible for the newspaper’s output, she couldn’t possibly have known anything about it. Fortunately, a jury agreed and lots of other people were sacked instead. Despite resigning, Brooks remained on the company payroll, received a £10m payout and was reappointed as CEO.

Jerry Hall currently has Rupert Murdoch’s ring on her finger – at his age it’s important to check his prostate regularly.

Next Match

DateEventTime/Results

Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total