Philip Hammond

Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
61

Philip Hammond, who is stand-in Chancellor of the Exchequer, studied PPE at Cambridge after booted off the Mathematics course for performing Differential Calculus with his tongue sticking out.

While at the Ministry for Transport, Hammond proposed a new eighty mile per hour speed limit on motorways three days after buying an Audi A4 turbo-injection model, a move that would likely result in a predicted rise in road deaths by twenty per cent. The reckless plans were dropped by his successor who liked the idea of three hundred fewer children dealing with bereavement in the run to Christmas, and their fathers being replaced by a strange man in the kitchen called “Uncle” Pete.

As Secretary of State for Defence, Hammond, whose personal wealth is estimated at £9m, thanked the armed forces for risking their lives in Afghanistan by announcing more than four thousand soldiers, some of whom had already lost their genitals to IEDs, would also lose their jobs.

Hammond bracketed gay marriage legislation among a list of socially unacceptable relationships, but is of the firm belief that it’s not quite as bad as fucking your sister, niece or licking your second cousin on the anus.

Hammond lists among his skill-set smart phone literacy, the snakes part of Snakes and Ladders and counting up to ten on his fingers

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Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total