Michael Gove

Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
50

Michael Gove (born 26 August 1967) is a British Conservative politician and anti-establishment truth wizard. Best-known for raging against the elite, Gove’s mission is to free ordinary folk from the shackles of people who’ve done some research.

Born in a petri dish, Gove was raised in Aberdeen by a lab assistant. He was educated at a state school, and later attended the independent Robert Gordon’s College for the Perpetually Smug.

From 1985 to 1989 he studied Secret Handshakes and Skullduggery at Lady Margaret Hall, Oxford, where he was awarded a 2:1 degree and permanently raised eyebrows.

After leaving university, Gove became a trainee ninja in Aberdeen, where he spent several months on strike in the 1989-1990 dispute over stealth taxes. He joined The Times newspaper in 1996, assuming numerous roles, including: comment flunky, news inventor, Saturday sycophant and assistant parasite. He remains on good terms with Rupert Murdoch, whom he described in evidence before the Leveson Inquiry as “a sex-machine to all the chicks, a cat that won’t cop out and a complicated man, who no-one understands but his woman.”

Gove was one of the twins in TV game show Funhouse, and played the school chaplain in the adult horror film Anal Destination.

Gove entered the House of Commons in 2005 as the Conservative member of parliament for Surrey Heath. When fat-faced pig fancier David Cameron was erected as party leader in December 2005, he appointed Gove as housing spokesman, before promoting him to shadow Secretary of State for Urchins, Workhouses and Scum in July 2007.

Gove became Secretary of State for Re-education in the Conservative-Liberal Democrat government formed after the 2010 general election. He proved unpopular amongst teachers, with former NUT General Secretary Christine Blower describing him as “the political equivalent of Scrappy-Doo”. Amongst many controversial decisions, Gove approved three creationist schools on the grounds the curriculum would be completed in seven days.

During his time as education secretary, Gove developed an intense dislike of experts and their meddlesome facts. Despite condemnation from virtually all areas of the teaching profession, he pushed ahead with controversial plans to reform the curriculum and exam system. In an attempt to present himself as a champion of the underprivileged, Gove insisted his reforms would improve the chances of children from poorer backgrounds. Subsequent statistics suggest that he was correct – if he was talking about improving their chances of debt, rent poverty, working until they’re 80 and dying penniless.

Gove further positioned himself as the people’s champion when he famously railed against the establishment elite in 2012. Brushing aside Britain’s economic strife, he fearlessly took on the ruling class by suggesting giving the Queen a £60m taxpayer-funded yacht. With no thought or care for his own wellbeing, Gove said: “With the gap between the rich and poor widening, giving another yacht to the Queen will put a spring in the step of struggling families up and down the country”.

A prominent face in the EU referendum Leave campaign, Gove was relentless in his crusade to protect the common man from reasoned analysis. Amid fears that people who know what they’re talking about were providing factual information, Gove turned the vote on its head by comparing pro-EU economists to Nazis and implying the entire population of Turkey would be here by lunchtime.

Gove has been at the centre of numerous controversies, including charging the taxpayer for a £500 a night stay in a hotel spa, alleged attempts to avoid the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act and cultivating a climate of bullying, fear and intimidation during his time as Education Secretary.

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Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total