Boris Johnson

Competitions
Arsehole Premier League
Age
52

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (born 19 June 1964) is a British politician, balloon animal sculptor and moron-whisperer.

Johnson was born in New York City to wealthy upper-middle class clown parents. He was educated at the European School of Clowns, Ashdown House Clown School, and Eton College. He studied Clowning at Balliol College, Oxford, where he was awarded a first class degree in driving around in small cars that give off loud bangs before the wheels and doors fall off. He began his career in journalism, and gained popularity among British right-wing clowns who were unhappy with EU safety regulations on custard pies, oversized shoes and flowers that squirt water in people’s faces.

He was elected as Tory MP for Henley in 2001, and served in the Shadow Cabinet under Conservative leaders Michael Howard and fat-faced pig-botherer David Cameron.

Johnson resigned his seat in parliament after defeating Labour incumbant Ken Livingstone in the London mayoral election of 2008. During his first few weeks in charge, he turned up late to things, had a holiday and went to Beijing to offend the Chinese.

He was re-elected as mayor in 2012, again defeating Ken Livingstone; during his second term he described London’s Saint Patrick’s Day gala dinner celebrations as “Lefty crap”, offended the Malaysians and bought some water cannons.

He was a leading figure for the Leave campaign in the build up to the EU referendum; during the campaign he waved around an EU-protected pasty, accused President Obama of anti-British sentiment caused by his Kenyan ancestry and compared the EU to Hitler.

Johnson’s supporters praise him as an entertaining, humorous figure, who is popular with traditional Conservative voters. Conversely, his critics accuse him of being a wank-haired xenophobic buffoon who possesses all the appeal of an obese labrador eating a tramp’s sick off a discarded kebab.

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Arsehole Premier League

Season
2016
Total

Career Total

Season
2016
Total

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