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Week 16 Predictions: Sean Biggerstaff

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, actor and musician Sean Biggerstaff guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Philip Hammond vs Theresa May

Oh, come on. This is like asking, who’s more of an arsehole: a lump of wood or the cunt that just hit you on the head with it? Hammond has no agency. He’s there to get alternately stroked and smacked into doing what May wants, the fucking idiot. May’s got that lethal combination of having no discernible abilities combined with an absolute conviction that she’s the dog’s bollocks and more than a little streak of cruelty. Her tenure at the Home Office achieved almost nothing even on its own warped terms, and all at the expense of a great deal of harm to a great many people. I’m already getting nostalgic for David Cameron, for Christ’s sake. Heavyweight arsehole.

My vote: May

Prediction: Hammond 30% May 70%

Rebekah Brooks vs Rupert Murdoch

Darth Vader vs Emperor Palpatine. An almost impossible choice. Although Vader at least demonstrated right at the end that there was some sliver of humanity left in him, and I’m not aware of Brooks ever having done this.

Murdoch will win this match as he currently has more evil on his record, but probably only because he’s older. He’s nearly dead and her eminence is yet to peak. One to watch for future arsehole competitions.

My vote: Murdoch, just.

Prediction: Brooks 20% Murdoch 80%

Katie Hopkins vs Paul Dacre

I’ve actually read Mein Kampf, and I’m not kidding when I say most of it isn’t as bad as that Katie Hopkins column about refugees. It’s impossible to tell which of her awful opinions she actually holds and which she just spouts for the sheer sociopathic joy of upsetting every warm-blooded human in the country. Either way, there’s no disputing her fitness for competitive arseholery at the top level.
Still a tough call for me though as Dacre is one of the UKs most capably awful people. He consciously cheers on hate (at the DM they actually call their copy ‘hate’) and stokes up dangerous political unrest at every opportunity, and even his own staff don’t get a moment’s rest from his inexhaustible malicious fury. For me it’s a tie, but I reckon Hopkins current profile will see her through this match.

My vote: Abstention

Prediction: Hopkins 70% Dacre 30%

Tony Blair vs Jeremy Cunt

Hmm. Tough one, actually. Hear me out…⁰Of course the obvious choice is to go for the big ol’ war criminal Blair, but this is a game of arseholes, not the Hague, alas. I reckon ‘Tony’ genuinely has a messiah complex and by his own lights has always done the right thing. (He’s definitely mostly done the wrong thing.)
Cunt, although he has nothing remotely like the prodigious rap sheet Blair has, is a classic Tory with a capital C who knows fine well he’s doing the Devil’s work and doesn’t give two shits because he’s getting on just fine.

My vote: Cunt

Prediction: Blair 70% Cunt 30%

Mike Ashley vs Louise Mensch

Ah, Louise Mensch. The hating man’s crumpet. With a random generator of confused, quasi-Thatcherite horseshit where her brain should be. Headache-inducingly terrible as she is, I don’t think she can hold a candle to Ashley, who actively and cheerfully profits from dystopian worker conditions. He also owns football clubs, and that’s for cunts.

My vote: Ashley

Prediction: Ashley 60% Mensch 40%

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

I’ve done my research (i.e. looked at wikipedia for five minutes – more than he ever does) and I cannot find anything positive or even neutral to be said for Richard Littlejohn. He seems to spend just about every waking second thinking up unpleasant and/or untrue things to say about people for money. He’s an unmitigated arsehole.

However… Here he is up against an arsehole of truly historic proportions. Alexander Boris ‘Boris’ de Pfeffel (?) Wankface ‘BJ’ Arsehole ‘Boris’ Johnson will do literally anything in service of his own shitty self. There are Tory cunts, and then there is BJ. There are cynical careerists, and then there is BJ. There are entitled, out-of-touch blue bloods, and then there is BJ. He fucked the entire country in the arse over Brexit for the sake of his own ambition and he KNOWS this and he STILL carries on with nothing whatever but his own advancement in his foggy, half-understood classics tutorial of a mind. I hate him. I fucking hate him. I’ve never in my life had violent fantasies, but since June 24th 2016 I have yearned to feel this cunt’s fat face crumble under my bleeding knuckles. Unbeatable arsehole.

My Vote (and personal preference for the title): Johnson

Prediction: BJ 90% Littlejohn 10%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Melanie Philips

No contest. Philips is, I think, wrong about almost everything and often quite cruel with it. (Fuck knows what the ‘gay lobby’ is) She’s arrogant, self-righteous and almost completely intolerable, but I don’t think she’s entirely malignant in her intentions.
MacKenzie, on the other hand, is just a blob of nastiness with a central nervous system. The shamelessness required to keep shitting out his own brand of awfulness, even after the Hillsborough verdict, is almost impressive. A pedigree Arsehole.

My vote: MacKenzie

Prediction: Mckenzie 70% Philips 30%

Toby Young vs Liam Fox

To read Toby Young’s review of I, Daniel Blake is to get an object lesson in what it is to be a stupid, ignorant, arrogant, snide, lazy, heartless, clueless, no mates tory hack. But at the end of the day, what Toby says doesn’t really matter. Everyone knows he’s worthless. Whereas the disgraced former defence secretary Liam Fox has all these charming qualities and more and is, amazingly, a fucking government minister, AGAIN. Having this out of his depth, self-serving toad flying around the world representing us in important discussions with other countries is extraordinarily stupid and dangerous. Massive arsehole.

My vote: Fox

Prediction: Young 40% Fox 60%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Peers Morgane

Duncan Smith is an elite competitor here, without a doubt. There has been quite a rash of supposedly compassionate Conservatives coming out with actual Nazi rhetoric in the last few years, but IDS takes the trophy. Having previously written about a visit to Auschwitz, and made explicit reference to its notorious welcoming sign – “Albeit Macht Frei“- he can hardly claim it was an ignorant blunder when he came out with the jaw-dropping, “Work actually helps free people.” during an interview on the BBC. Often to be seen sneering dismissively whenever anyone points out how many vulnerable people have died as a result of his policies, this man is an iconic arsehole.

He’ll surely make short work of Peers Morgane who, although he can be an awful cunt, also took a righteous stance on gun control during his stint as a US TV host, and he once punched Jeremy Clarkson in the face, which mitigates hugely in his favour.

My vote: IDS

Prediction: IDS 80% Peers Morgane 20%

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Now, Michael Gove is a vintage twunt and no mistake, but let’s be real. In November, Nigel Farage (Rhymes with ‘garage’ – and no, not the American way) finally dropped any pretence of being anything other than the would-be leader of a fascist uprising when he threatened to lead a 100,000 strong march on the Supreme Court for daring to do their job, you know, independently. This cunt is a Hitler in the making, only lacking the Fuhrer’s charisma and honesty. Fuck Nigel Farage. Fuck him to death.

My vote: Farage

Prediction: Gove 10% Farage 90%

If you don’t follow Sean on Twitter then you should definitely consider doing so immediately. Follow him here

rich-smith-leage-predictions

Guest Predictions: How did Rich Smith do?

We asked NewsThump editor Rich Smith to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Nigel Farage vs Rebekah Brooks

Rich’s Prediction: Farage 70%- 30% Brooks

Correct score: Farage 86% – 14% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Rich’s prediction: Murdoch 75% – 25% Mackenzie

Correct score: Murdoch 72% – 28% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Louise Mensch vs Philip Hammond

Rich’s prediction: Mensch 80% – 20% Hammond

Correct Score: Mensch 88%- 12% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Richard Littlejohn

Rich’s prediction: Fox 40% – 60% Littlejohn

Correct score: Fox 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Tony Blair

Rich’s Prediction: Morgan 65% – 35% Blair

Correct score: Morgan 72% – 28% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Boris Johnson

Rich’s Prediction May 55% – 45% Johnson

Correct score: May 39% – 61% Johnson

Nil points

Jeremy Hunt vs Iain Duncan Smith

Rich’s prediction: Hunt 60% – 40% IDS

Correct score: Hunt 61% – 39% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Toby Young

Rich’s prediction: Gove 80% – 20% Young

Correct score: Gove 78% – 22% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Melanie Phillips vs Katie Hopkins

Rich’s prediction: Phillips 20% – 80% Hopkins

Correct score: Phillips 9% – 91% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Mike Ashley

Rich’s prediction: Dacre 65% – 35% Ashley

Correct score: Dacre 72% – 28% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Rich scores 51 points!

You can follow Rich on Twitter here Go! Now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. Jason Spacey 48

6. Summer Ray 46

7. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Gary Stanton 41

8. Oonagh Keating 37

8. Jim Smallman 37

8. Sir Michael 37

9. Professor Jack Darcy 35

10. Doc Hackenbush 32

11. Tiernan Douieb 24

12. Otto English 22

rich-smith-leage-predictions

Week 15 Predictions: Rich Smith

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, NewsThump editor Rich Smith guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Nigel Farage vs Rebekah Brooks

Man of the People Nigel Farage managed pull himself away from his billionaire newspaper owning backers long enough to tell us that everything is the fault of the ‘establishment’ this week, thanks to another appearance on Question Time. With his gurning visage fresh in the minds of television owners across the country, I can’t see how Brooks can do anything but hope for a few late consolation votes.

Farage 70 – 30 Brooks

Rupert Murdoch vs Kelvin MacKenzie

I think this is a fixture you could hold at Anfield, for free, and throw in a slap-up meal and a complimentary pint and you’d still get an attendance of precisely zero. Kelvin is a pretty horrific arsehole, and shameless with it, but his chances of beating league leader Murdoch are about the same as him receiving a Liverpudlian Christmas card.

Murdoch 75 – 25 Mackenzie

Louise Mensch vs Philip Hammond

Louise crossed the Atlantic this week to join the Question Time panel to remind everyone once again that it’s perfectly possible to be wrong about everything, all of the time. When she’s not busy bullying teenagers online she’s learning the hard way how screenshots of search histories work, while spending many a pleasant evening questioning whether Jo Cox’s murderer got a fair trial. Philip Hammond may have been Chancellor for a few months, but as yet he’s done nothing even remotely Osborne-esque – so I don’t expect him to hit any form in the league until the spring.

Mensch 80 – 20 Hammond

Liam Fox vs Richard Littlejohn

Liam Fox has spent the week announcing a post-Brexit trading environment that would anger Brexiters and Remainers alike. Any politician should be hoping to unite a nation, be he has achieved it by uniting everyone behind their incredulity at his incompetence. That takes some doing.  Littlejohn meanwhile has been busy criticising the judiciary for applying the sovereignty he so desperately told us we needed, back in June. But things change when you’ve got a column to write and thousands of Brexiters to delight. I’ll be surprised if Fox can get within 10 points.

Fox 40 – 60 Littlejohn

Piers Morgan vs Tony Blair

Piers Morgan has made so many people sick in the early mornings that his nickname at ITV is now ‘pregnancy’, and there is literally nothing he won’t say to ingratiate himself with someone who has even a tiny bit of power – just what you want to see from a ‘journalist’. Blair has been mooting a return to frontline politics, though many would hope that the only frontline he would find himself on is the one facing ISIS. Morgan is just too high-profile at the moment for Blair to have any hope of victory.

Morgan 65 – 35 Blair

Theresa May vs Boris Johnson

An interesting match-up between two competitors coming into form. Boris Johnson this week called out Saudi Arabia with all the diplomatic grace of a dyspraxic hippo. Meanwhile, Theresa May expressed her desire for a multicoloured Brexit in the hope she’s hit on a definition that will placate an angry public for ‘five goddam minutes’.  Though I think Boris should win this, purely for his performance over the summer, I think May’s stuttering Brexit positioning means that the only people left who still like her are those who sell leopard print shoes.  May by a nose.

May 55 – 45 – Johnson

Jeremy Hunt vs Iain Duncan Smith 

Jeremy Hunt’s announced this week a plan to stop teenagers sexting, somewhat ironic coming from one of the nation’s biggest wankers. How his relentless attacks on the NHS don’t see him at the top of the league, I’ll never know. Iain Duncan Smith has spent the week reiterating for anyone who cares to listen that he has no idea what the courts in this country actually do, with his vocal attacks on the Supreme Court. But then, if you think the nation has had enough of experts, it’s hardly surprising if you spend most of the time sounding like a moron.

Hunt 60 – 40 Duncan Smith

Michael Gove vs Toby Young

Michael Gove is still going around telling everyone what he thinks of Brexit, despite no-one giving the tiniest of shits what he thinks about it. He continues his metamorphosis from Rent-a-pob to Rent-a-gob this week with a pop at the Turner prize. Maybe he should enter a self-portrait next year, he could call it ‘Irrelevant Gormless Cunt’. Toby Young may be famous for being so unlikeable even his ‘friends’ refused to go on his Stag do, but compared to Gove, he’s a bloody saint.

Gove 80 – 20 Young

Melanie Phillips vs Katie Hopkins

Phillips has her work cut out this week, as despite trying to cultivate a reputation as a ‘harridan for hire’, she finds herself this week up against the queen of the genre in Katie Hopkins. There is nothing so despicable that Hopkins won’t say in order to drive a few more people to her Twitter feed or radio show, whereas you can’t help thinking Philips would draw the line at laughing at drowning migrant children. Hopkins appears to have accepted a charity boxing challenge from Ellie Goulding, which has many people wondering whether Anthony Joshua can do a convincing small blonde singer.

Phillips 20 – 80 Hopkins

Paul Dacre vs Mike Ashley

The man behind the Daily Mail is barely in the top half of the league, which is a testament to his ability to stay below the radar while instructing his staff to demonise minority group after minority group on the front pages. Some people are arseholes for fame, some for power. He just does it for money, which is the worst of the lot. Mike Ashley is also an arsehole for money. A lot of money. Though a bit less this week after he learned that paying people the proper amount of wages means you make smaller profits. Whodda thunk it.

Dacre 65 – 35 Ashley

You can follow Rich on Twitter here! Go! Now!

gary-stants

Guest Predictions: How did Gary Stanton do?

We asked NewsThump writer and liberal hummus-eating bedwetter Gary Stanton to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Boris Johnson v Jeremy Hunt 

Gary’s prediction: Johnson 45% – 55% Hunt

Correct score: Johnson 37% – 63% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Melanie Phillips

Gary’s prediction: Littlejohn 55% – 45 Phillips

Correct score: Littlejohn 73% – 27% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Louise Mensch

Gary’s prediction: MacKenzie 75% – 25% Mensch

Correct score: MacKenzie 54% – 46% Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Theresa May 

Gary’s prediction: Blair 60% – 40% May

Correct score: Blair 39% – 61% May

Nil points

Toby Young vs Piers Morgan

Gary’s prediction: Young 30% – 70% Morgan

Correct score: Young 29% – 71% Morgan

Correct score: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Nigel Farage

Gary’s prediction: IDS 50% – 50% Farage

Correct score: IDS 21% – 79% Farage

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Rupert Murdoch

Gary’s prediction: Ashley 45% – 55% Murdoch

Correct score: Ashley 8% – 92% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Paul Dacre

Gary’s prediction: Hammond 20% – 80% Dacre

Correct score: Hammond 19% – 81% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Michael Gove 

Gary’s prediction: Brooks 35% – 65% Gove

Correct score: Brooks 34% – 66% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Gary scores 41 points!

You can view Gary’s full NewsThump archive here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

6. Gary Stanton 41

7. Oonagh Keating 37

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

11. Otto English 22

gary-stants

Week 14 Predictions: Gary Stanton

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, NewsThump writer and liberal hummus-eating bedwetter Gary Stanton guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Boris Johnson v Jeremy Hunt 

Jeremy Hunt recently spent twelve hours on an NHS trolley, where he lied to a Junior Doctor about his symptoms. Today’s opponent Boris Johnson has spent the months since becoming Foreign Secretary trying to convince EU leaders that he’s a competent politician rather than a corpulent albino fuckwit. There’s little to choose between these two arseholes, though Hunt is the least likely to be killed on a bicycle by a taxi driver with glaucoma.

Johnson 45% – 55% Hunt

Richard Littlejohn vs Melanie Phillips

Melanie Phillips has famously described herself as a liberal “mugged by reality”, a reality in which she is forced to watch imagined gay sex acts every time she leaves her secure compound. Likewise, Richard Littlejohn has a recurring nightmare in which he is rimmed by a burly Polish builder in his own bathroom, who then bribes him and sends the money back to his family in Krakow at a favourable exchange rate.

Littlejohn 55% – 45 Phillips

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Louise Mensch

Racial theorists recently proposed that humanity consists of three distinct groups: Untermensch, Ubermensch and Louise Mensch. Nobody can forget how the intellectual heavyweight Mensch put James Murdoch on the back foot at a Commons Select Committee by repeatedly quizzing him about his childcare arrangements.

When The Sun newspaper recently removed all of its tits, the biggest one was left behind the editor’s desk. The truth is MacKenzie is such an arsehole that he recently got drunk at a funeral, urinated on the mourners and picked the pockets of a grieving widow. Actually, I made all of that up, but I’d hate a lie to drag on for twenty years.

MacKenzie 75% – 25% Mensch

Tony Blair vs Theresa May 

It’s a tough one. Both have experience of running a country….. into the ground. Blair edges it because Mrs May lacks the necessary experience of murdering innocent Iraqi children in their droves, destabilising an entire region and promoting John Prescott to Deputy Prime Minister.
Blair is still popular as an after dinner speaker in Iran, where many people name their kids Tony in honour of either him or the lead singer of Spandau Ballet, who has never used his music to oppose their program of covert plutonium enrichment.

Blair 60% – 40% May

Toby Young vs Piers Morgan

Former Top Chef run-around, Toby Young, believes any utopian vision end is destined to end with a metaphorical boot stamping on a human face, however most people would happily settle for kneeing the smarmy cunt in the bollocks. Over and over again. Piers Morgan, who is known professionally as Piers Morgan, has a lot of critics. All that can really be said in his defence is that he has yet to murder a sub-editor while listening to Huey Lewis and the News.

Young 30% – 70% Morgan

Iain Duncan Smith vs Nigel Farage

This top-of-the-bill clash of arseholes will have the punters licking their non-racist lips.

IDS should set his stall out early by resisting calls for a minute’s silence in memory of those who have died as a direct result of his benefit reforms. Farage, meanwhile, was recently filmed at a mock ambassador’s reception holding aloft a foreign tray of Fererro Rocher. “A brittle exterior and lacking any real substance,” was one guest’s verdict. “The chocolates are a fucking disgrace too.”

IDS 50% – 50% Farage

Mike Ashley vs Rupert Murdoch

Shit football team-owning millionaire lard-arse versus lizard-skinned antipodean shitemonger. Murdoch could find this encounter tough-going, especially if Ashley forbids the use of routine toilet breaks. Realistically, though, Murdoch should have this one in the bag because, for all Ashley’s faults, he has yet to approve a range of tracksuits that celebrates the premature deaths of 323 Argentinian sailors in the South Atlantic.

Ashley 45% – 55% Murdoch

Philip Hammond vs Paul Dacre

Hammond is currently wallowing near the bottom of the APL, due to having the charisma of a chartered accountant in a persistent vegetative state. Fans can expect Dacre to go on the attack early doors by exposing Hammond’s father as a dead Marxist who hates Britain from beyond the grave, irrespective of whether he currently resides in a poorly-staffed Surrey care home. There’s a free pack of gardening seeds for the winner.

Hammond 20% – 80% Dacre

Rebekah Brooks vs Michael Gove 

Self-taught horse rider Rebekah Brooks was kept on as editor of the News of the World after a summer placement. Brooks later failed to notice the phone-hacking scandal taking place beneath her nose after purchasing shit varifocals in a two-for-one offer from Vision Express. Today’s opponent, Michael Gove, has denounced the socialist urge, which seeks to meddle in people’s lives by offering them free healthcare, a well-paid job and affordable housing. Brooks could gallop to victory, but not before Gove stabs her and her horse in the back with his truth-dagger.

Brooks 35% – 65% Gove

You can view Gary’s full NewsThump archive here

ottoenglish

Guest Predictions: How did Otto English do?

We asked writer and prankster Otto English to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Louise Mensch vs Boris Johnson

Otto’s prediction: Mensch 70% – 30% Johnson

Correct score: Mensch 59% – 41% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Iain Duncan Smith

Otto’s prediction: Fox 48% – 52% IDS

Correct score: Fox 30% – 70% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Katie Hopkins

Otto’s prediction: May 20% – 80% Hopkins

Correct score: May 19% – 81% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Paul Dacre vs Tony Blair

Otto’s prediction: Dacre 51% – 49% Blair

Correct score: Dacre 66% – 34% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan Vs Richard Littlejohn

Otto’s prediction: Morgan 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Correct score: Morgan 68% – 32% Littlejohn

Nil points

 Jeremy Hunt vs Toby Young

Otto’s prediction: Hunt 35% – 65% Young

Correct score: Hunt 76% – 34% Young

Nil points

Nigel Farage vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Otto’s prediction:  Farage 40% – 60% MacKenzie

Correct score: Farage 74% -26% MacKenzie

Nil points

Michael Gove vs Mike Ashley

Otto’s prediction:  Gove 19% – 81% Ashley

Correct score: Gove 82% – 18% Ashley

Melanie Phillips vs Rebekah Brooks

Otto’s prediction: Melanie Phillips 89% – 11% Brooks

Correct score: Phillips 28% – 72% Brooks

Otto scores 22 points!

If you require his outstanding writing skills, have a couple of million pounds to help fund his movie or want to know why Louise Mensch tried to have him arrested, you can follow Otto, here, here and here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Oonagh Keating 37

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

11. Otto English 22

 

ottoenglish

Week 13 Predictions: Otto English

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer and prankster Otto English guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Louise Mensch vs Boris Johnson

Perennial Arsehole Premier League favourite Mensch (who once tried to get me arrested) takes on big hitter Johnson in what will no doubt be the major fixture of the week-end. Despite well documented dope scandals in her past Louise (who incidentally once tried to get me banged up) Mensch has much to bring to the table, but will she match the £350 million a week promising, exploding bus building, failure to do anything in all his years as Mayor, Boris on the day? My instinct says yes absolutely. Oh and did I mention – she once tried to get me nicked?

Mensch 70% – 30% Johnson

Liam Fox vs Iain Duncan Smith

The Disgraced Former Defence Secretary Liam Fox may now be the Disgraceful Secretary of State for International Trade but with Werrity out of the game, due to ignominy, he lacks the desperately needed defence and tackle combination so necessary in a game of two halves. The big money has to be on the slap-headed, literally nobody has a good word to say about him, Iain Duncan Smith; a man gifted with all the charm of a dead weasel that has been festering by the side of the A414 outside Harlow New Town for six months. In the rain. There have been match fixing allegations against IDS in the past – but made up degrees from dodgy Latin American language schools can only benefit him in this Fumble of the Bungles.

Fox 48% – 52% IDS

Theresa May vs Katie Hopkins

After surprise and sudden promotion from Third Division Home Secretary last summer May shows every sign of playing the same undistinguished game in the Premier League (geddit?) The new PM has one of those names, like Roger Moore, that seems to hint at obvious puns – but you won’t find them here. Theresa May invoke Brexit (means Brexit look it up) in March thus annoying actual taxpayers – and then again she May Not; but her chances against Hopkins in this weekend face off look slim at best. The Reality TV runner up is to the early 21st century what soap on a rope was to the 1970s – pointless, annoying and terrible at radio broadcasting. With her dedicated following of angry single men of a certain age, who think Muslims are going to make them wear burqas and who singularly fail to write coherent sentences on twitter, Hopkins is a dead cert in this round.

Hopkins 80% – 20% May

Paul Dacre vs Tony Blair

Paul “Vagina Monologue” Dacre famed for his er “colourful” outbursts in The Daily Mail newsroom might be the Editor of Britain’s best-selling middle brow tabloid but tucked away in his Knightsbridge bunker, plotting second fronts, he remains a faintly aloof figure. A good week for Paul as he has put in the prep for this head to head by reporting Thomas Mair’s conviction for the murder of Jo Cox on page 30 of his rag. You know. PAGE THIRTY. After the bits about celebrity cellulite. “MP murdered? That’s not news! TOWIE babe looks crap in a bikini? That’s news!” The Pele of Penises faces Tony “WMD” Blair in what promises to be a spectacular grudge match. If Tony can bring to the game what he managed in four years in Iraq – expect a lot of dead bodies, angry voters and a power vacuum in the Middle East. This is Dacre’s game to win and if The PLA dossier, compiled by correspondent T Blair from a blog he found on the internet, is to be believed he could do it in as little as 45 minutes.

Dacre 51% – 49% Blair

Piers Morgan Vs Richard Littlejohn

The clash of the Titan……ic morons. Some of you may remember Little John’s early work as a side kick to Robin of Loxley. Since then things have gone a little “off target.” Clearly all that time deep in the forest with a bunch of “merry men” was a euphemism too far and for the best part of two decades little Richard has been firing off enraged columns about taking “OUR COUNTRY” back.  Dicky’s recurrent targets remain homosexuals, migrants, gays, ‘ecotoffs’, the “so called” LGBT community, people called Susan who are probably gay, gays students, gays the Muslamics, the gay Muslamics….. you get the idea. So desperate is Ricky to get his country back to the good old days of Jimmy Saville and the Black and White Minstrels that he resides in FLORIDA… you know in AMERICA. Just north of Cuba. On the other side of the Atlantic. Piers Morgan? Well the best thing that can be said about this publicity hungry incredibly tiresome bore is nothing. So I’ll  leave it at that. Dicky Littlejohn will win. But only just.

Morgan 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

Hunt and Young. Sounds a bit like a respectable firm of Chartered Accountants in a Midlands market town doesn’t it? Don’t be fooled my friends. These gladiators facing each other in the key weekend meeting are both masters of the art of how to alienate not just people but entire species. Toby Young’s problem is that he is essentially a man trapped in a cartoonized version of himself. Hunt by contrast has the haunted look of a chap who knows he is forever just seconds away from an unfortunate sexual malapropism and public ridicule. Hunt is familiar with the turf – but it’s a Young man’s game.

Young 65% – 35% Hunt

Nigel Farage vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Well what can you say? A pity they can’t both win. Some view Farage as a towering figure “a modern Churchill who has delivered us from the EUSSR and unelected bureaucrats who’ve never done a proper day’s work.” These people are completely wrong. Farage most puts me in mind of wrestling legend “BIG DADDY” a lot of bluster but no actual skill. Farage might laugh like a cement mixer falling down a gravel slope but there’ll be little to laugh at by the end of the week-end. Farage may well have put in good work this week – celebrating his 20 years as a Brussels MEP with a swanky do at The Ritz and promising to move to America, but this is Kelvin’s game to lose. Mackenzie brings much weight to the ring on account of his being a monumental and unmitigated cunt who is hated by everyone – including quite possibly himself. He’ll win. I’d bet my second best pair of underpants on it.

Mackenzie 60% – 40% Nigel Farage

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Iron Mike against Penfold? Like sending a steamroller to crack a monkey nut. It’ll be a bloodbath. During the Tory party leadership race Gove demonstrated all the cunning and judgement of a potato. He might still be loathed in many quarters but pity would perhaps be more appropriate. There are no second acts in political lives – and Michael Gove didn’t really manage a first. Ashley by contrast is the arsehole’s arsehole. An employer who would make the testicle chewing, father in law killing, Caligula look like a “model boss.” Run for the hills Penfold – you don’t stand a chance.

Gove 19% – 81% Ashley

Melanie Phillips vs Rebekah Brooks

I once followed Melanie Phillips through a garden centre in Hertfordshire. As she about looking at poinsettias, the leaves wilted off trees and the flowers crumbled to grey dust.  Babies wept in terror and the birds fell silent and dropped like stone ornaments to the earth below. If Melanie Phillips were stranded on a desert island one can imagine that the island itself would seek some means of escape. Her talents have long been wasted in journalism. Were she to turn her skill and charm to “milk curdling” cheese exports would boom in our glorious post Brexit dairy and biscuits based economy. The Melstar faces professional Mick Hucknall impersonator Rebekah Brooks, the dark horse (Red Rum?) of the competition when not on loan to David Cameron. Brooks will be taken apart.

Melanie Phillips 89% – 11% Brooks

If you require his outstanding writing skills, have a couple of million pounds to help fund his movie or want to know why Louise Mensch tried to have him arrested, you can follow Otto, here, here and here

okeating

Guest Predictions: How did Oonagh Keating do?

We asked the brilliantly funny Oonagh Keating to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how she did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Michael Gove vs Rupert Murdoch

Oonagh’s prediction: Gove 41% – 59% Murdoch

Correct Score: Gove 24% – 76% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Oonagh’s prediction: Littlejohn 41% – 59% Johnson

Correct Score: Littlejohn 38% – 62% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Piers Morgan

Oonagh’s prediction: Brooks 44% – 56% Morgan

Correct Score: Brooks 32% – 68% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Phillips vs Paul Dacre

Oonagh’s prediction: Phillips 30% – 70% Dacre

Correct Score: Phillips 12% – 88% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Philip Hammond

Oonagh’s prediction: MacKenzie 76% – 24% Hammond

Correct Score: MacKenzie 82% – 18% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Liam Fox

Oonagh’s prediction: Blair 53% – 47% Fox

Correct Score: Blair 42% – 58% Fox

Nil points

Nigel Farage vs Theresa May

Oonagh’s prediction: Farage 68% – 32% May

Correct Score: Farage 88% – 12% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Mike Ashley

Oonagh’s prediction: Young 48% – 52% Ashley

Correct Score: Young 51% – 49% Ashley

Nil points

Katie Hopkins vs Jeremy Hunt

Oonagh’s prediction: Hopkins 52% – 48% Hunt

Correct Score: Hopkins 62% – 38% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Louise Mensch

Oonagh’s prediction: IDS 56% – 44% Mensch

Correct Score: IDS 50% – 50% Mensch

Nil points

Oonagh scores 37 points!

If you don’t follow Oonagh, you are seriously failing at Twitter! Right this wrong Immediately! @Okeating

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Oonagh Keating 37

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

okeating

Week 12 Predictions: Oonagh Keating

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, the brilliantly funny Oonagh Keating guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Michael Gove vs Rupert Murdoch

Arsehole Champions’ League contender Michael Gove faces top-of-the-table utter bastard Rupert Murdoch in a battle he is likely to lose now he no longer has the facility to wrest the crayons from the fingers of tiny children, at least in an official capacity.  The scrotal-faced chunder-from-Down-Under’s training regimen involves peddling borderline Fascist headlines, meddling with governments and listening to Jerry Hall’s Roxy Music albums on repeat so he’s a lean, mean arsehole machine.

Gove 41% – 59% Murdoch

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Rent-a-ranter Richard Littlejohn will be sharpening his barbs in readiness for a studs-up match with mid-table lurker and legendary diplomat Boris Johnson. This Leave on Leave grudge match will be fiercely contested but is unlikely to result in a resounding win for either arsehole.  Expect Boris Johnson to ramp up his Prince Philipesque attitude to foreigners for just long enough to achieve a crucial lead, much as he accidentally did in the EU referendum.

Littlejohn 41% – 59% Johnson

Rebekah Brooks vs Piers Morgan

A clash of journalists former Sun writers that was almost too close to call until Morgan indulged in some truly nauseating Donald Trump worship.   In spite of telling millennials to stop whinging, a message shared by many, the fact that it was regarding the US election can only make him more irritating than ever.  The man who was too much of an arsehole for the country that thinks Trump is good president material will take the 3-point prize over the woman that the UK thought was Sideshow Bob and David Cameron thought was discreet.

Brooks 44% – 56% Morgan

Melanie Phillips vs Paul Dacre

A woman whose idea of multitasking is to write a hate-piece on immigration whilst sucking a lemon, Melanie Phillips has her work cut out to dent the defence of practised arsehole and Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, after a spate of particularly venomous recent headlines, even by Mail standards.  Her recent contention that Trump is a victim of misrepresentation by vicious lefties will, at best, only serve to make this defeat slightly less humiliating.  Expect a rout!

Phillips 30% – 70% Dacre

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Philip Hammond

With MacKenzie’s undeniable record of delivering blistering bile and bigotry with little to no effort and Hammond’s surprisingly poor form for a sitting chancellor, this match is set to resemble Conor McGregor in a cage fight with Darcey Bussell.  The ref’s likely to make good use of his red card during the fixture, hopefully to inflict paper cuts on both contestants.  Unless Hammond brings his budget forward to this weekend, MacKenzie is certain to score very highly and blame Scousers for it.

MacKenzie 76% – 24% Hammond

Tony Blair vs Liam Fox

New Labour takes on ‘New UKIP’ in this battle between the ‘trying to be relevant again’ and the ‘just plain trying’.  Blair’s government record and captaincy of the All-England Patronising Squad are likely to give him an advantage over the International Trade Secretary, a man of whom many of his colleagues say “Who?”.  If Liam Fox put as much effort into preparing for Brexit as he did into trying to wriggle out of repaying overclaimed expenses, they’d have a plan by now.

Blair 53% – 47% Fox

Nigel Farage vs Theresa May

Farage’s grinning visage has rarely been off our screens since he appointed himself toady-in-chief to President Elect Trump, giving the third-time UKIP leader undeniable arsehole points as just seeing him tends to induce apoplexy in even the most rational.  While many suspected his photo-op in the gold elevator of Trump Towers was opportunistic, it’s clear he planned it to clinch a victory in this fixture.  Although being the prime minister, and a Tory one at that, would normally guarantee the win, May’s Thatcher-lite act is no match for the public outrage sparked by the very real prospect of ‘Lord Farage of Twatsville’.  Whatever way she spins it, ‘Loser’ means ‘Loser’.

Farage 68% – 32% May

Toby Young vs Mike Ashley

This match between the full-time political show panel member Toby Young and Sports Direct Ltd and Newcastle Utd. owner, Mike Ashley, might almost come down to the toss of a coin.  Don’t expect either man to provide one for the toss, though – the tight bastards! Young has kept his profile high with some semi-professional Phil Mitchell lookalike work, but Mike Ashley’s recreation of the Victorian workhouse in his Sports Direct Ltd warehouses may be enough to grab him the 3 points he so desperately needs to avoid relegation to League 2, where he’d be forced to try his hand against lesser arseholes, such as Kirstie Allsopp and the cast of Emmerdale.

Young 48% – 52% Ashley

Katie Hopkins vs Jeremy Hunt

Fresh from disappointing the UK by reneging on her promise to head to America if Donald Trump won the election, Katie Hopkins takes a small break from her day job (showing orphans what they would have been getting for Christmas if they had parents) to go head-to-head with Jeremy Hunt.  The scourge of the NHS and a man for whom rhyming slang had surely been waiting all these years, Hunt could well lose out simply by being marginally less publicity hungry than his opponent. No medics will be available for this match.

Hopkins 52% – 48% Hunt

Iain Duncan Smith vs Louise Mensch

Since flouncing out of office after deciding the government’s welfare cuts had gone too far, their chief architect and aspiring hypocrite, Iain Duncan Smith, has mostly been busy championing Brexit, which is shorthand for ‘being a massively irritating bellend’. His opponent in this fixture is Louise Mensch, the Twitter gift that keeps on giving, who thought Leonard Cohen was American, Charlie Hebdo was a person and her virulent opinions were relevant.

IDS 56% – 44% Mensch

If you don’t follow Oonagh, you are seriously failing at Twitter! Right this wrong Immediately! @Okeating

paulauntie

Guest predictions: How did Paul Auntie do?

We asked founder of the Social Inclusion Football League Paul Auntie to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Philip Hammond vs Tony Blair

Auntie’s prediction: Hammond 16% – 84% Blair

Correct score: Hammond 37% – 63% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Richard Littejohn

Auntie’s prediction: Mensch 52% – 48% Littlejohn

Correct score: Mensch 54% – 46% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Boris Johnson vs Katie Hopkins

Auntie’s prediction: Johnson 39% – 61% Hopkins

Correct score: Johnson 32% – 68% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Auntie’s prediction: Ashley 24% – 76% MacKenzie

Correct score: Ashley 21% – 79% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Rebekah Brooks

Auntie’s prediction: Hunt 60% – 40% Brooks

Correct score: Hunt 70% – 30% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Toby Young

Auntie’s prediction: Murdoch 85% – 15% Young

Correct score: Murdoch 87% – 13% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Liam Fox vs Melanie Phillips

Auntie’s prediction: Fox 65% – 35% Phillips

Correct score: Fox 79% – 21% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Nigel Farage

Auntie’s prediction: Dacre 32% – 68% Farage

Correct score: Dacre 38% – 68% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Michael Gove

Auntie’s prediction: Morgan 57% – 43% Gove

Correct score: Morgan 41% – 59% Gove

Nil points

Theresa May vs Iain Duncan Smith

Auntie’s prediction: May 49% – 51% IDS

Correct score: May 46% – 54% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Paul Auntie scores 53!

You can follow Paul on Twitter here, The Social Inclusion Football League on Twitter here, and read about the amazing work they do here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24