angrys

Week 22 Predictions: Angry Salmond

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, sultan of sexy socialism Angry Salmond guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Paul Dacre Vs Piers Morgan

I’m often accused of being a “Cybernat” on Twitter, but I don’t think that we should be worrying about internet trolls when the far bigger problem of people still buying the Daily Mail exists. For those unfamiliar, the Mail is essentially a dirty magazine for right-wingers. The paper frequently depicts Muslims as terrorists, benefit claimants as liars and immigrants as scroungers. It’s a hate-rag that has been known to view the suffering of English tourists as more significant than the suffering of refugees fleeing conflict zones. The Mail’s bigoted brand of journalism is produced under the cloak of “Britishness”, which somehow justifies its chauvinistic negativity. In my view, this putrid paper is a reflection of its editor, Paul Dacre. Accordingly, I believe Mr. Dacre will win this round comfortably. Paul is one of the many reasons bloodsuckers like Piers Morgan can still find an outlet for their car salesman politics. The king will always be more hated than his pawns, and Mail Editor Dacre outranks the worm-like Morgan. My hope is that, in an independent Scotland, the Daily Mail will be replaced by The Dandy.

Paul Dacre 75% – 25% Piers Morgan

Philip Hammond Vs Nigel Farage

Like its inevitable winner, this contest is a no-brainer. Nigel Farage looks like what what would happen if Kermit the Frog actually banged Miss Piggy, and the inner workings of his mind are equally unsightly. The media referring to him as a “man of the people” is pretty ridiculous given how much Farage seems to dislike most people on this planet. He appears determined to solve every problem with racism. I genuinely believe that Nigel wants the British workplace to resemble the Death Star; all white, English males in love with an Empire. Indeed, the former UKIP leader has become quite the little pissed-up Palpatine; like the deceitful Sith lord, Farage’s dark influence is never far away from catastrophic political events. He is arguably the driving force behind Brexit, and the rise of the alt-right, as well as being a malevolent adviser to Donald Trump. Of course, in truth, Nigel is little more than a sycophant, grovelling at the feet of fascism. For all his talk, Farage has never been elected in Britain. He is a double-dealing hypocrite who has spent most of his life speaking out against the EU and immigrants, all whilst gleefully spending his MEP salary on projects that could see him migrate to the US. Farage might claim that an independent Scotland would be governed by Brussels, but, compared to him, that would be bloody spectacular.

Philip Hammond 10% – 90% Nigel Farage

Richard Littlejohn Vs Rebekah Brooks

Bouncing between the Sun and the Daily Mail like an intolerant tennis ball, Richard Littlejohn been a haemorrhoid on the arse of journalism since the late 1980s. Aside from his questionable writings on homosexuality, transgender teachers and ethnic minority workers, Littlejohn’s most dislikeable personality trait might be his insistence on telling Britain how to live whilst spending most of his time in Florida. That said, I must give this round to Rebekah Brooks. As much as Richard’s opinions are, for the most part, ungodly awful, they are simply opinions. Brooks, in contrast, has been the executive officer for some of the worst newspapers in existence, including one that was shut down due to widespread criminality. Under Rebekah’s watch, the News of the World hacked the voicemail of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler to access messages left by her parents. It’s true that Brooks was cleared of all charges directly related to phone hacking, but her poor managerial oversight allowed it to harm the lives of countless celebrities and members of the public. This, coupled with the fact that she received a £10.8m payoff for leaving News International, makes her an unquantifiable arsehole. Imagine Murdoch bankrolling you for a year off, and never thinking to give any of the money to the families harmed by your professional failures. Brooks will win this round easily.

Richard Littlejohn 20% – 80% Rebekah Brooks

Katie Hopkins Vs Mike Ashley

Mr Ashley’s business practices might have brought woe to employees and football fans alike, but Katie Hopkins’ truly horrible rhetoric has indirectly affected thousands of minorities across the UK. Her verbal venom has become so over-the-top in recent times, that I’m surprised Hopkins hasn’t suggested that Santa is an illegal immigrant, and that she prays he dies in a sleigh crash over the Mediterranean. With sentiments as offensive as hers, the UK needs Katie Hopkins like human beings need fire ants in their eyes. However, that hasn’t stopped her gaining a significant fan following, and to a very large degree, normalising alt-right opinions in Britain. We know that the number of racially motivated attacks has gone up considerably in recent years, and these figures mirror Hopkin’s rise within popular culture. History might not remember Mike Ashley fondly, but it is likely to take a far worse view of Katie Hopkins. When children study the rebirth of western fascism in the 21st century, Hopkin’s face will certainly feature in a text book or two. Moreover, Katie claiming that she speaks for the UK is one of my top reasons for wanting Scotland out of it.

Katie Hopkins 80% – 20% Mike Ashley

Kelvin MacKenzie Vs Michael Gove

Kelvin MacKenzie symbolises everything that is wrong with modern mainstream journalism. Conversely, Michael Gove strikes me much more as a clueless idiot than a spiteful villain. He is very much like the character of Ellis in Die Hard, a well-intentioned moron, who tries to help, but his incompetence and hateable personality result in his swift demise. Of course, like the smarmy Ellis, Gove not only manages to hurt himself, but others around him. The lies about NHS funding that were splashed across his Big Red Bullshit Bus were an incentive for gullible Englanders to vote Leave during the EU Referendum. As much as these statistics were utter nonsense, I think that Michael Gove actually believed they were accurate. This says a lot about Gove’s own personality: he greatly overestimates his own talent whilst being strung along by immoral people in positions of real power. Frankly, if somebody as stupid as Gove has deceived you, there is a chance that you are more of an arsehole than he is. Kelvin MacKenzie will win this hands down.

Kelvin MacKenzie 70% – 30% Michael Gove

Iain Duncan Smith Vs Tony Blair

IDS isn’t so much anti-EU as he is anti-you and anti-I; he could preach fairness whilst kicking a flaming child in the nuts without flinching. However, this round has to go to the monarch of malevolence that is Tony Blair. The Chilcot Report solidified the former PM’s place as one of the most dangerous politicians in history. The Iraq War was horrific on many levels, but the fact that Britain’s participation was the result of one irrational man is perhaps the most disturbing. Blair went against millions of people, simply because he thought that he knew better. Ironically, he acted in a dictatorial manner to remove a dictator. Frankly, I don’t understand why the media quote Tony as if he’s some sort of innocent, balanced, non-psychopathic person. He isn’t. Worse yet, newspapers have begun asking if Blair should return to politics in the wake of Brexit. To any rational person, asking if Tony Blair should return to politics is like asking if Harold Shipman should return to medical practice. This same lunatic, who took us into Iraq, also thinks that keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom is smart. Thankfully, history has taught us that if Blair thinks it’s a good idea, it’s probably not a good idea. One day, as President of the Independent Republic of Scotland, I will march Blair all the way to The Hague in my pink beret and shades. Scottish independence and criminal charges brought against Tony Blair? That’s the sexist thing I could possibly imagine!

Iain Duncan Smith 1% – 99% Tony Blair

Boris Johnson Vs Toby Young

Somehow Boris Johnson, a man with all the geographical understanding of a toilet brush, is Britain’s Foreign Secretary. I would say that from a Scottish perspective this is absolutely laughable, but I genuinely don’t believe there is a country on the planet that would view this as a wise, or indeed sane, appointment. Certainly, it’s ironic that Boris is up against Toby Young, the author of “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”, considering he has done such a spectacular job of losing friends in Europe, and alienating Britain from the rest of the word. In fact, just this week he accused the EU of contemplating Nazi-style punishment beatings on Britain in revenge for Brexit. It’s true that this is an irresponsible, offensive and deeply immature claim. However, when you consider that Boris looks like he’s just escaped from the darkest recess of CBeebies, it’s hardly surprising that he has such a childish approach to international relations. Wacky haircut and wobbly voiced charm aside, Boris is a hazardous Tory capable of embarrassing his nation on the world stage. A clear victory for the Brexit buffoon here.

Boris Johnson 95% – 5% Toby Young

Melanie Phillips Vs Theresa May

Theresa should win this round with ease. Melanie Phillips, though hardly the type of human you’d enjoy a drink with, is simply a commentator. Out with of her seemingly limitless appearances on BBC Question Time (I believe she is stored in a box with the lighting rig and stage set), she can be disregarded as necessary. Theresa Mayhem, unfortunately, is a bit like diarrhoea, in that even if you do ignore her, she won’t go away. The right-wing press have heralded Theresa as the Second Coming of Thatcher. Which is reasonably accurate, as the only significant difference between Thatcher and May is that Thatcher was elected. That said, it’s hard to imagine that the Iron Lady would ever have been as reckless as May has been with geopolitics. I’ve been on drunken nights out with more viable planning and care than Theresa has demonstrated with Brexit. The PM’s plan to leave the European Union is every bit the hazardous, undemocratic, nationalism-fuelled disaster we thought it would be. Ultimately, we are dealing with a Tory Prime Minister, who is, by her own admission, willing to kill 100, 000 innocent people with a WMD, and stupid enough to put Boris Johnson in front of the world’s news media. In my view, Theresa May has done more for Scottish independence in a matter of months than many Yes politicians have managed in years.

Melanie Phillips 10% – 90% Theresa May

Rupert Murdoch Vs Louise Mensch

Louise Mensch once confused Brexit with a nightclub. In fairness though, the media confuse her opinions with reasoned political commentary all the time. Indeed, her Twitter account has become legendary for all the wrong reasons since she surrendered her role as MP for Corby. The amount of social blunders, absurd conspiracy theories and confused rants she has posted on Twitter has resulted in her locking her account in order to decrease public ridicule. Of course, anyone who uses social media will know that you can’t put a padlock on stupidity, and screengrabs of her continued Twitter gaffes regularly appear online. That said, Louise Mensch, like many of the lower grade competitors in this contest, is merely an antagonistic idiot. Rupert Murdoch, on the other hand, is very much a sinister mastermind. Much like Paul Dacre, Murdoch is an enabler of the dumb, and without his gluttonous villainy at the top of the prick pyramid, people like Louise Mensch would be unheard of. A clear win for Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch 70% – 30% Louise Mensch

Jeremy Hunt Vs Liam Fox

In recent years, Jeremy Hunt has been a breakout star in terms of being a shit. Going from a relative unknown to one of the most hated human beings in Britain, in the space of only a few years, is no mean feat. Liam Fox’s breaking of the ministerial code and expenses indulgences seem like distant memories in the wake of Hunt’s rampant destruction of the NHS. His transparent mishandling of the Health Service – in order to privatise it – has gotten so bad that the British Red Cross recently declared a humanitarian crisis in hospitals across England. What makes this worse is that Hunt, and his allies, claimed that the term humanitarian crisis was “inappropriate”. The Tories actually felt like they had the right to lecture the Red Cross on the definition of a humanitarian crisis. In my view, Hunt will absolutely storm this round. Frankly, his abhorrent attitude towards the working conditions of NHS staff, the quality of healthcare to patients and general disregard for human life could make him a favourite to win this entire fucking contest.

Jeremy Hunt 99% – 1% Liam Fox

Follow Angry Salmond on Twitter here, read his columns for The National here and flood his JustGiving page with generous donations here

img_1808

Guest predictions: How did Far Right Watch do?

We asked Far Right Watch to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how they did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hopkins 55% – 45% May

Correct score: Hopkins 78% – 22% May

Correct winner 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Brooks 30% – 70% Phillips

Correct score: Brooks 84% – 16% Phillips

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Johnson 45% – 55%  Mensch

Correct score: Johnson 50% – 50% Mensch

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Blair 25% – 75% Dacre

Correct score: Blair 38% – 62% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox

Far Right Watch’s Prediction:: IDS 65% – 35% Fox

Correct score: IDS 70% – 30% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Ashley 10% – 90% Gove

Correct score: Ashley 19% – Gove 81%

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hammond 5% – 95% Murdoch

Correct score: Hammond 4% – 96% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Littlejohn 15% – 85% Morgan

Correct score: Littlejohn 28% – 72% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: MacKenzie 10% – 90% Farage

Correct score: MacKenzie 22% – 78% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Young 50% – 50% Hunt

Correct score: Young 26% – 74% Hunt

Nil points

Far Right Watch score 37 points!

You can follow Far Right Watch on Twitter here and find out more about what they do here. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

js2

Guest predictions: How did Jason Sinclair do?

We asked Jason Sinclair to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Liam Fox vs Rebekah Brooks

Jason’s prediction: Fox 75% – 25% Brooks

Correct score: Fox 41% – 59% Brooks

Nil points

Louise Mensch vs Tony Blair

Jason’s prediction: Mensch 65% – 35% Blair

Correct score: Mensch 65% – 35% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Kelvin Mackenzie

Jason’s prediction: Hunt 48% – 52% Mackenzie

Correct score: Hunt 55% – 45% MacKenzie

Nil points

Theresa May vs Mike Ashley

Jason’s prediction: May 70% – 30% Ashley

Correct score: May 66% – 34% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Katie Hopkins

Jason’s prediction: Gove 10% – 90% Hopkins

Correct score: Gove 28% – 72% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Philips vs Iain Duncan Smith

Jason’s prediction: Phillips 30% – 70% IDS

Correct score: Phillips 21% – 79% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Philip Hammond

Jason’s prediction: Morgan 95% – 5% Hammond

Correct score: Morgan 90% – 10% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Boris Johnson

Jason’s prediction: Dacre 60% – 40% Johnson

Correct score: Dacre 52% – 48% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Toby Young

Jason’s prediction: Farage 90% –  10% Young

Correct score: Farage 93% – 7% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

 Rupert Murdoch vs Richard Littlejohn

Jason’s prediction: Murdoch 100% – 0% Littlejohn

Correct score: Murdoch 86% – 14% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Jason scores 54 points!

You can follow Jason on Twitter here, and if you’re wondering what to spend your Christmas gift vouchers on, you can buy The Little Red Book of Corbyn Jokes here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

img_1808

Week 20 Predictions: Far Right Watch

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, anti-right wing extremism campaign group Far Right Watch guide you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May

‘La Hopkins’, despite being on a winning streak and close to the top of the table, has had a tougher week than a Hollywood funeral director after her stern meeting with her Daily Mail overlords, the result of her forced ‘skip it out in secret at 2.00am’ grovelling ‘apology’ to the Mahmood Family. Theresa May has been very ‘meh’ for a while now, leather trousers apart (not a great image) and seems to be using a strategy of gaining political ground through masterly inactivity. Neither is on great form but we expect Hopkins to bounce right back to her usual ‘Level 5’ of self-promoting sourness for effect.

Our vote: Katie Hopkins, just.

Prediction: Hopkins 55%, May 45%

Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips

A clash between two angry shrivelled harpies who frankly, both have what they’d call their ‘best days’ behind them. ‘Red Witch’ Brooks will never achieve the status of her child-burning idol ‘Melisandre’ in Game of Thrones, and Phillips … seriously, who even reads her bile these days? This has all the allure of a bottom-of-the-table clash on a wet Tuesday. For the record, Phillips still has the capacity to surprise and shock, it’s just as rare as an undoped Russian athlete. She’ll win, but we don’t see her competing at this level next season.

Our Vote: Phillips, but who really cares?

Prediction: Brooks 30%, Phillips 70%

Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch

This might be a knock-down slug-fest. Boris’ mask is slipping – it appears after all he may *not* be the endearing bumbling simpleton we know and loathe. Foreign Office officials are trying to take his passport away to ensure we survive as a nation. He plays the long game, and plays it well. Mensch of course, lives for that 4 seconds after her tweets when someone pays attention to her banality. Still recovering from the shame after her tweet that the late Leonard Cohen was American (he’s Canadian, of course) she wins by virtue of Johnson having not been much in the news this week. Why is Mensch even a ‘thing’, still? Boris needs to up his game. We know he will. He’s found his passport.

Our Vote: Mensch in a close one.

Prediction: Boris Johnson 45% Louise Mensch 55%

Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre

Matching ‘Evil’ against ‘Influence’. Blair uniquely united the nation, Left, Right and Centre-ground, in deep-seated disdain and hatred. But his Machiavellian antics are history now, and his short dalliance with the Brexit Remain Camp seems to be been more about generating bookings on his lecture tour. Dacre, currently, is the inheritor of much of Blair’s agenda, and has been busy this week rejecting complaints against his own media title as part of his role within IPSO. We were cheered this week by his histrionical ‘Why them and not me? reaction to the Honours List. But Blair is the past and Dacre is now. Landslide.

Our Vote: Dacre in a walk-over.

Prediction: Tony Blair 25% Paul Dacre 75%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox

One of those between-Tories battles you just wish was both ‘a fight to the death’ .. and ‘a draw’. Once a politician gets so low that the mere mention of their name induces mild nausea it’s tricky to pick a winner. IDS is the old veteran campaigner, never really out of the game, while Fox’s rehabilitation from the wilderness has not been without its stumbles. Fox’s childishly naive and misguided optimism in the shiny Brexit Unicorn is trumped by IDS’s relentless distilled hatred for anything non-Thatcherite.

Our Vote: Iain Duncan Smith

Prediction: Iain Duncan Smith 65% Liam Fox 35%

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Oh, please, we’re losing the will to live here. Ashley? Loathsome, best ignored and is clearly headed for relegation. Probably to the Lords, one day, if he donates enough. Michael Gove, of course, has the accolade of being the three-times cover image of ‘Most Punchable Face Monthly’, has refined ruinuous incompetence to the level of a performance art – and yet is still here. In Westminster. In the actual Government. Doing things. Somewhere, Gove has a collection of imaginative and revealing photos of the Chief Whip with Cheryl Cole and an Armadillo in a Soho Club, because we can’t think of any other reason he’s still even breathing.

Our Vote: Michael Gove.

Prediction: Mike Ashley 10% Michael Gove 90%

Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch

Top of the table versus bottom, and a non-contest from the first whistle. Hammond is just invisible, isn’t he? We can be shown a photo of him and yet 3 minutes later we *still* forget what he looks like. and this time next year will be the answer to one of those ‘Do you remember..’ questions. Murdoch so far this season is unbeatable and invincible. The only thing that will ever defeat Murdoch is the slow march of time, and frankly he seems almost immune even to that. Clearly his latest wife Jerry Hall is not ‘putting out’ at full throttle, surely even the Dark One couldn’t survive that? We think Murdoch will reign supreme until his evetual demise, which will probably involve a stake, a mallet and a bible. Alternatively if he ever pisses off Putin and likes polonium tea.

Our Vote: Rupert Murdoch, no contest.

Prediction: Philip Hammond 5% Rupert Murdoch 95%

Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan

We asked our American colleagues for their view on Piers Morgan, to find that he’s known Stateside as – and we love this – the Slimey Limey, whereas Littlejohn is very much a ‘Who?’. International influence aside (like Rebekah Brooks and Melanie Phillips) both their stars – and their audiences – are slowly receding. However we do have a soft spot for Piers. It’s behind a remote elm tree in Epping Forest, freshly dug and ready. Piers is still in marginally better form recently, so he gets the nod here.

Our Vote: Piers Morgan

Prediction: Richard Littlejohn 15% Piers Morgan 85%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage

Surprisingly Mackenzie is only 3 wins behind “The People’s Champion”, but we don’t see him winning this one. Farage’s sour face this week after another shock non-award of a Knighthood gave us all some grins, and he could be back in the headlines soon, simply because he hasn’t been in the media much recently – and his rookie ‘just out of their teens’ media team are scrambling for any subject ‘post-Trump’ for Nigel to sermonise on. Christmas is a tricky time for Nigel, though, and he’ll not be fully sober until mid-January. But he gets this one on his past record of unremitting moon-howling.

Our Vote: Nigel Farage

Prediction: Kelvin MacKenzie 10% Nigel Farage 90%

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

A Toby against a Jeremy sounds like the worst ‘3rd Form’ fight ever in the Eton Quadrangle. Matching their joint ‘auras of elite entitlement’ against each other is tricky, as neither have shown much media form to be exited about in a while. Young’s uber-smug ‘I deserve to be here’ sneer against Hunt’s ‘How the hell am I still here?’ leer is too close to call. We can’t split them. Although given a moonless night, a hatchet and an alibi, we’d give it a try.

Our Vote: A Draw.

Prediction: Toby Young 50% Jeremy Hunt 50%

You can follow Far Right Watch on Twitter here and find out more about what they do here. Go now!

js2

Week 19 Predictions: Jason Sinclair

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Jason Sinclair, co-author of The Little Red Book of Corbyn Jokes, guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Liam Fox vs Rebekah Brooks

Disgraced former disgraced ex-minister Liam Fox is very much the coming man in the arsehole world, as a string of his trade advisors would no doubt testify. This is a salesman who, if he was in Glengarry Glen Ross, would have been murdered by Al Pacino in the first reel, making the rest of the film nothing more than a courtroom drama. Alec Baldwin’s “Always Be Closing” monologue would be replaced by “Never Be Liam Fox”. And Baldwin would be right. The key to being a good salesman is not being Liam Fox. Have a set of steak knives, Alan Arkin, you’re better than him.

Set against this we have the lead actress in Michael Winner’s live-action remake of Brave. Undoubtedly an arsehole, but yesterday’s arsehole, joining Andy Coulson, David Cameron, Jeremy Clarkson and Harold Shipman in some sort of arsehole upside-down. Her time could come again, but Fox by plenty.

Fox 75 – Brooks 25

 Louise Mensch vs Tony Blair

This is a dream match-up, if your dreams have been affected by an entire sheet of 1968 acid that you found behind your parents’ cupboard over Christmas. But I think it’s the game that these two arseholes have been secretly waiting for. I’ve never been to a football match where both teams strip off and have at it in the centre circle as if creating an elaborate new category in an unseen drop-down menu on Pornhub, but if I had then that would be an accurate comparison point to the Mensch/Blair fixture.

There’s no getting away from the fact that Mensch’s arsehole game is more practiced, and for that reason I’m predicting a convincing – some might say guiltily erotic – win for the brain-mashed typing machine, whose time in the Major League of Arseholes has done nothing to dull her abilities.

Mensch 65 – Blair 35

Jeremy Hunt vs Kelvin Mackenzie

Where to start? There really are no easy games at this level. Kelvin Mackenzie is not a real person. He is a character in the fantastic novel of moral depravity, ‘Stick It Up Your Punter!’ by Peter Chippindale and Chris Horrie. In the book, the lead character, “Kelvin”, spent thirty minutes weighing up his two alternative headlines, “THE TRUTH” and “YOU SCUM”, in the week after the Hillsborough disaster. He asked executives at a conference what happened at the end of the film Gandhi after it was shown on TV, having switched channels because he was (direct quote) “not interested in a load of bollocks about an emaciated coon.” He printed a report from an anonymous “psychologist” saying “all homosexuals should be exterminated to stop the spread of AIDS.” When Sun staff expressed concern, he responded by shouting: “Come out have we? Watch out, there’s a botty burglar about!” Such a character.

Hang on, I’ve just been told the book is non-fiction. What an absolute arsehole.

On the other hand, Jeremy Hunt, a man who would pay an ungodly sum of somebody else’s money to have a management consultant take off his watch and tell him what time it is – before deciding for himself it’s actually eleventeen o’clock on the 32nd of Febtember – is actively trying to ensure your mother dies alone and terrified propped up against the wall in a lightless corridor. So, swings and roundabouts.

Hunt 48 – Mackenzie 52

Theresa May vs Mike Ashley

“Arsehole means arsehole”, says Theresa May, while pointing at her elbow. Very much the Bournemouth of the Arsehole Premier League – nobody quite knows where she came from or how she got here, but it looks like she’ll somehow be around for quite some time – the Prime Minister has been showing some good arsehole form over the past few months, with definite echoes of the 1970 Brazil of arseholes, Margaret Thatcher.

Mike Ashley, like other high-profile toot-merchants Alan Sugar, Duncan Bannatyne and Peter Jones, exists in the etymological nether-zone between “arsehole” and “cock”. Unless the poll is skewed heavily towards Tyneside, where – in almost Brexit levels of delusion – they think Ashley is more of an arsehole than Freddie Shepherd, then I can’t see him besting May. In the event of his death, Ashley has also had the grace to donate his body to science, although science is expected to contest the will.

May 70 – Ashley 30

Michael Gove vs Katie Hopkins

Experts would suggest that this is a lock for Katie Hopkins, and what do experts know, Mr.Gove? More than you, I expect. Michael Gove, a man who’s had more Vine than a German alcoholic, does bring some pretty good form into this game, but that will count for nothing against the malfunctioning outrage machine of the Devon Frauenschaft.

Hopkins currently seems an unstoppable behemoth of concentrated arseholery, striding the nation like an amphetamined Godzilla who’s three days late for her therapist’s appointment. The only saving grace is realising that Hopkins’ power rests entirely in her own rejected-muppet head. However, unless a large libel action (feasible) or sobering dose of humility (impossible) takes Hopkins out of the game completely then like fellow spectral supergiant arseholes Chelsea, who I incidentally wouldn’t put it past Hopkins to be a supporter of, it’s hard to see her losing another game this season.

Gove 10 – Hopkins 90

Melanie Philips vs Iain Duncan Smith

Seems like a low-key fixture, a sort of Southampton vs Stoke, if Southampton and Stoke both had their political development arrested at the age of eleven when they walked in on their father masturbating in front of a grainy VHS that probably came from EUROPE.

Philips is quite an inconsistent performer, tending to write her columns blindfold by throwing a succession of darts at a dictionary held over the face of a quivering London-born third-generation Bengali. Meanwhile, as leader of the Conservative Party, Iain Duncan Smith was so electorally toxic he made Jeremy Corbyn look like, well, Iain Duncan Smith. Repeated winner of the award for MP who most looks like he was at the Wannsee Conference, Duncan Smith has exploited the fashions for both Brexit and incompetence to become a serious player and I can’t see him losing to someone who is, after all, a bit metropolitan, if you know what I mean.

Phillips 30 – Duncan Smith 70

 Piers Morgan vs Philip Hammond

I see Philip Hammond as the Hull of the Arsehole Premier League. He shouldn’t really be here, he might half-heartedly show a few promising touches while he is, but soon he’ll be gone and nobody will remember who he is, or that he used to be the Chancellor of the Exchequer and a large ferry port.  A long time ago I worked with a girl from Hull and literally nobody could understand a word she was saying. I’d have to write up transcripts of transatlantic interviews she’d done that read: “Laura: ‘Ullurrr. Ut’s Luurruurrr ‘urrrr. Ur er yuurr? Interviewee: What?” for pages on end.

I might be drifting here. Where were we? Hammond. It can’t be easy for him, having all the verve and optimism of Ingmar Bergman reading from Morrissey’s autobiography, but better to be told ”You’re fucked. You fucked yourselves” by the shadow of death than by a somersaulting Jim Carrey, or for that matter Piers Morgan. Morgan, who I last saw on a lovers’ lane holding hands with himself, is an international standard, Amsterdam-grade arsehole who would beat stronger opponents than Hammond with his eyes, and indeed his arsehole, shut. Only one winner here.

Morgan 95 – Hammond 5

 Paul Dacre vs Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson is such an arsehole that he can trace his roots back to the biggest arseholes of both the Hapsburg and Ottoman empires, yet he still takes to the field against Paul Dacre like Warwick Davies asking Kobe Bryant for a quick game of one-on-one. Dacre is such a mendacious leviathan of pure, unadulterated, straight from the Colombian farm arsholeness that Pablo Escobar could have cut him into a million pieces, diluted each one with seventeen tonnes of Aptamil, and still one line of him would have been enough to turn Nelson Mandela into Arron Banks.

Yes, Johnson couldn’t be more full of shit if Eric Pickles had been using him as a septic tank, but we’re in the big leagues now and no amount of Latin is going to stop Dacre running away with this in the second half.

Dacre 60 – Johnson 40

Nigel Farage vs Toby Young

Some of the great mysteries of the world: The collapse of Mayan civilization; the wreck of the Mary Celeste; John Bishop’s career; how Nigel Farage isn’t punched in the face every single day. The man likes pubs. He’s in pubs a lot. He’s an absolute arsehole. Arseholes often get punched in the face in pubs. Why is he not among them? Seriously? Has he some sort of invisible shield like a Marvel superhero or James Corden? Somebody needs to get the Discovery Channel on this, stet.

Toby Young used to edit The Modern Review, which was like one of those vanity blogs that Vice twentysomethings have now talking about what Baudrillard would have thought about Chicken Cottage, except The Modern Review wasn’t all in lower case. Showing great arsehole potential, he’s used a combination of rank incompetence, sociopathic obliviousness and plain old-fashioned stupidity to fail upwards into a well-deserved position in the Arsehole Premier League. When Simon Pegg portrays someone in a film of their life but even he can’t quite capture what a total weapon they are, you know this is a talent to watch. But Young is up against Farage. Farage would be the biggest arsehole in any room he’s in, including the chamber of the House of Commons. Not that he’d ever, ever get there.

Farage 90 – Young 10

 Rupert Murdoch vs Richard Littlejohn

Is this the week Rupert Murdoch loses his undefeated record? In defence of Murdoch, we can cite The Simpsons. In defence of Littlejohn, we can cite Richard Littlejohn: Live And Unleashed. Oof. Half-time and Littlejohn has a four goal lead while the opposition goalkeeper has birds tweeting around his eyes like Daffy Duck after a piano has just fallen on his head.

But wait. Can Littlejohn, like his beloved Spurs, lose from such a strong position? Of course he can’t, he’s an arsehole, a 1980s relic made flesh, like Banjos or Toffos or the hundred other justifiably discontinued carcinogens that Peter Kay talks about on clip shows. Littlejohn can’t lose it from here, but could Murdoch win? He’s been winning arsehole matches his whole life, and he’s, what, about 103 now? He’s going to show Littlejohn that grandpa’s still got game. He picks up the ball (of course he picks up the ball – he’s an arsehole) and slaloms his way past a frankly out of shape Littlejohn to place it triumphantly in the net. “Five-four. Full time” says Murdoch. “What?” cries Littlejohn, “it’s still four-one to me”. “Fuck off. I make the rules, you talentless fat fuck” says Murdoch. And he does.

Murdoch 100 – Littlejohn 0

You can follow Jason on Twitter here, and if you’re wondering what to spend your Christmas gift vouchers on, you can buy The Little Red Book of Corbyn Jokes here

john-rain

Guest predictions: How did John Rain do?

We asked John Rain to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Nigel Farage vs Richard Littlejohn

John’s prediction: Farage 97% – 3% Littlejohn

Correct score: Farage 91% – 9% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Iain Duncan Smith

John’s prediction: Murdoch 98% – 2% IDS

Correct score: Murdoch 79% – 21% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Katie Hopkins

John’s prediction: Mensch 30% – 70% Hopkins

Correct score: Mensch 16% – 84% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Philip Hammond

John’s prediction: Hunt 98% – 2% Hammond

Correct score: Hunt 95% – 5% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Theresa May vs Rebekah Brooks

John’s prediction: May 45% – 55% Brooks

Correct score: May 47% – 53% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Tony Blair

John’s prediction: Gove 51% – 49% Blair

Correct score: Gove 72% – 28% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Mike Ashley

John’s prediction: Morgan 87% – 13% Ashley

Correct score: Morgan 75% – 25% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Boris Johnson

John’s prediction:  Fox 10% – 90% Johnson

Correct score: Fox 34% – 36% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Kelvin MacKenzie

John’s prediction: Dacre 35% – 65% MacKenzie

Correct score: Dacre 52% – 48% MacKenzie

Nil points

Melanie Phillips vs Toby Young

John’s prediction: Young 90% – 10% Phillips

Correct score: Young 62% – 38% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

John scores 49 points!

You can follow John on Twitter here, and if you got a gift voucher for Christmas you can buy his book here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

john-rain

Week 18 Predictions: John Rain

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer, author and bassist John Rain guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Nigel Farage vs Richard Littlejohn

While Littlejohn is using up all prickidge via print, this fixture is all about Farage for me. He is a lone wolf of arseholery, a Golden Eagle of cunt, flitting from country to country, causing unrest and boosting sales of golliwog tea towels. It’s just not a competition. Yes, Littlejohn spends most of his time sitting in America moaning about burkas on Alsatians and whether or not Sussex has banned Christmas, but Farage is out there poking his shit covered sticks in bushes, getting paid 85k a year to work as an MEP and leading his twatty brigade of Ovaltine Droogs – he is also Jed Maxwell to Donald Trump, and that for me, is a resounding home win.

My vote: Farage

Prediction: Farage 97% Littlejohn 3%

Rupert Murdoch vs Iain Duncan Smith

We all know that Iain Duncan Smith’s favourite dinner is a wheelchair sandwiched betwixt two benefit forms, that he washes it down with a pint of disabled people’s tears, and goes to work every day on a gondolier made of human skulls, but when it comes to being an arsehole, no one can stand in the way of Rupert Murdoch. He essentially owns the entire planet and rather than using this power for good, he chooses to wield this power like a cunt and spread nothing but hatred, bile, lies and tits. The only consolation is that he has married Jerry Hall and can probably only ejaculate mouldy salt from his three-hundred year old bishop.

My vote: Murdoch

Prediction: Murdoch 98% Duncan Smith 2%

Louise Mensch vs Katie Hopkins

This is a very tricky fixture. Where do you even begin here? On the one hand you have Mensch, who clearly hasn’t got both paddles in the water, and on the other Hopkins, who knows exactly what she is doing and probably doesn’t actually believe anything she says. Mensch can at least operate under the umbrella of being as thick as a Dinosaur sandwich, while she ambles around on social media looking for things that aren’t there and posting them on a website that is so irrelevant it may as well not exist. Hopkins on the other hand, is just a shit-take offend-o-meter juke box that the Daily Mail pays into on a weekly basis. She is definitely the biggest arsehole, on purpose, out of the two.

My vote: Hopkins

Prediction: Mensch 30% Hopkins 70%

Jeremy Hunt vs Philip Hammond

The fact that Jeremy Hunt does a job, the Tory standard-bearer of being a dick to the NHS and everyone involved in it, that literally no one wants and still hasn’t walked into the sea, means he probably enjoys it and is therefore a total arsehole. Couple this with the fact that Theresa May didn’t get rid of him means that she could see in his eyes that he bloody loves it. He’s carefully built up a reputation of being a sort of Wild West undertaker, hurriedly running around British hospitals, measuring operating theatres during delicate operations and selling the kidney to Iceland as soon as it’s removed. Phillip Hammond on the other hand is merely a smug soft-Brexit-bellend, not in Hunt’s league at all. Home win.

My vote: Hunt

Prediction: Hunt 98% Hammond 2%

Theresa May vs Rebekah Brooks

*Adam Curtis voice* “This is a story of a plan with no plan”.

After David Cameron (not quite) literally leapt from the window of 10 Downing Street, Theresa May has had a problem. A massive problem that has no solution, like a Rubick’s Cube covered in glue; Brexit. It’s all very “Bart’s Elephant” from The Simpsons in that it’s something we have won and that we have no idea what to do with. The only solution Theresa May has offered is to say the word Brexit and attach other words to it, such as “Brexit means Brexit” or “Red, White and Blue Brexit” or “Brexit’s good, Brexit’s good, Eber-Brexit’s good”. She is flailing more and more each day, meanwhile Cameron is earning big money telling Americans how shit it all is. May is looking more and more hopeless with each day and based on Nicky Morgan’s leather trouser experience (sounds like a band), more and more of an arsehole, too. Rebekah Brooks on the other hand is a complete and total arsehole of the highest order. She’s probably the worst woman in the World at the moment, so she wins, as she always should. Away win.

My vote: Brooks

Prediction: Theresa May 45% Brooks 55%

Michael Gove vs Tony Blair

This is a tough one. Gove has recently “awoken” into some sort of self-awareness vacuum, simultaneously attacking the “MSM” (while writing for The Times) and simultaneously suggesting that modern art is shit (after having cut arts funding not so long ago). Tony Blair on the other hand has risen above water of late, like some sort of arsehole leviathan, spouting opinions that no one really wants to hear (what with him being partly responsible for the World being a fucking awful place for so many people). As bad as Blair is, I think Gove shades it based on current form, the terrible arsehole that he is

My vote: Gove

Prediction: Gove 51% Blair 49%

Piers Morgan vs Mike Ashley

Gríma Wormtongue vs Bill Sykes, it’s a difficult one seeing as both men are completely awful in every possible way, but Morgan is the stand out of the two based on the fact that he is a wholly ubiquitous at present. A thoroughly awful human specimen that happily backed a lying, misogynist, KKK endorsed Presidential candidate to reach the highest office in the World, and still is smug as fuck about it. Top, top arsehole. Home win.

My vote: Morgan

Prediction: Morgan 87% Ashley 13%

Liam Fox vs Boris Johnson

Disgraced M.P. Liam Fox, the current Secretary of State for International Trade, is a blundering pillock, that’s for sure. He has embarrassed himself over the years, but he isn’t Boris Johnson. This cannot be said enough times. Boris Johnson is surely in the top 5 of the biggest arseholes of 2016. He stood in front of that bus and spouted nothing but bullshit for months and months, only then to be hilariously stabbed in the back by Gove and his Lady Macbeth wife. Beloved by idiots for being stupid, he’s a proper arsehole and wins this one hands down. Away win.

My vote: Johnson

Prediction: Fox 10% Johnson 90%

Paul Dacre vs Kelvin MacKenzie

This is like Godzilla vs Kong. Dacre vs Mackenzie is a tough draw. They are both up with there with Murdoch in terms of pure evil bastards. While Dacre is responsible for the hate preaching of the Daily Mail and the borderline noncery that features within, MacKenzie is a rancid piece of shit that happily printed lies about dead children the day after the Hillsborough Disaster, while also saying that if you go to Brighton you’ll get AIDS. He can fuck right off and is always top of the list of arseholes.

My vote: MacKenzie

Prediction: Dacre 35% MacKenzie 65%

Melanie Phillips vs Toby Young

If you had infinite numbers of monkeys, sat in front of infinite numbers of typewriters, there will never be worse takes written than the ones pumped out by Toby Young. He is the worst writer in the world and seems to revel in it. Melanie Phillips is bad, but by fuck, she is not in Young’s league. This is the man who asked if “friendship was a myth” because no one came to his stag night. He is the king of the bellends and a total and utter arsehole.

My vote: Young

Prediction: Young 90% Phillips 10%

You can follow John on Twitter here, and if you get a gift voucher for Christmas you can buy his book here

bf

Guest Predictions: How did Barney Farmer do?

We asked Barney Farmer to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Richard Littlejohn vs Jeremy Hunt

Barney’s prediction: Littlejohn 56% – 44% Hunt

Correct score: Littlejohn 27% – 73% Hunt

Nil points

Katie Hopkins vs Piers Morgan

Barney’s prediction: Hopkins 59% – 41% Morgan

Correct score: Hopkins 81% – 19% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Theresa May

Barney’s prediction: MacKenzie 37% – 63% May

Correct score: MacKenzie 60% – 40% May

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Nigel Farage

Barney’s prediction: Blair 39% – 61% Farage

Correct score: Blair 17% – 83% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Liam Fox

Barney’s prediction: Ashley 31% – 69% Fox

Correct score: Ashley 40% – 60% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Michael Gove

Barney’s prediction: IDS 49% – 51% Gove

Correct score: IDS 46% – 54% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Philip Hammond vs Melanie Phillips

Barney’s prediction: Hammond 45% – 55% Phillips

Correct score: Hammond 46% – 54% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Boris Johnson vs Rupert Murdoch

Barney’s prediction: Johnson 26% – 74% Murdoch

Correct score: Johnson 32% – 68% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Louise Mensch

Barney’s prediction: Young 44% – 56% Mensch

Correct score: Young 26% -74% Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Paul Dacre

Barney’s prediction: Brooks 46% – 54% Dacre

Correct score: Brooks 42% – 58% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Barney scores 46 points!

If you’re not following Barney then go here immediately!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. Jason Spacey 48

6. Summer Ray 46

6. Barney Farmer 46

7. Sean Biggerstaff  44

8.  The Sun Apologies 41

8. Gary Stanton 41

9. Oonagh Keating 37

9. Jim Smallman 37

9. Sir Michael 37

10. Professor Jack Darcy 35

11. Doc Hackenbush 32

12. Tiernan Douieb 24

13. Otto English 22

bf

Week 17 Predictions: Barney Farmer

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer of Drunken Bakers and other Viz creations Barney Farmer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Richard Littlejohn vs Jeremy Hunt

In snooker terms this is a 1984 Hexagon semi between Ray Reardon and Jimmy White.

Littlejohn has been an arsehole for decades, and enjoyed a lengthy stint as the country’s top sphincter – by a comfortable margin. Never strayed far from the top table, and on his day still capable of turning in a shocker, but very much in managed decline.

Hunt is a comparatively new arsehole on the block but already in his pomp. Flowing natural skills, enervating to watch, an obvious favourite. But late December is a nostalgic time, so I’m feeling Littlejohn will pinch it on the strength of his lifetime’s cuntribution.

Littlejohn 56-44% Hunt

Katie Hopkins vs Piers Morgan

An odd meta match-up. Katie is a failed soldier who thinks she’s a journalist, because her horrible thoughts are published in a newspaper. Piers IS a journalist, and of many years standing, but he was originally given the bum’s rush from newspapers because he failed soldiers by telling everyone they pissed on Iraqis. Stunning arseholes both, this will probably be determined by their public brain vomits from now until the whistle blows. I’ll go with Hopkins, because her consistent racial barrage becomes gradually more wearing on the soul at this time of year, as we pay lip service to vague notions of goodwill to all.

Hopkins 59-41% Morgan

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Theresa May

Arseholes come in all shapes, sizes and hues, and here is a match-up that illustrates this clearly. Say what you like about MacKenzie, his arsehole chops rest wholly on doing what he does VERY well. Still lying, smearing and carefully upsetting people at the highest level, he remains a titan of MSM arseholedom. May too is at the summit of her arseholery, but her unique brand derives chiefly from levels of ineptitude which make thinking citizens flinch as if scalded. In the event I expect her to prevail easily, especially if she farts out another stench-meme to rival ‘red, white and blue, Brexit’ before battle is joined.

MacKenzie 37-63% May

Tony Blair vs Nigel Farage

A clash of the titans, the defining arsehole of the late nineties/noughties versus a contender for Time magazine’s Arsehole of the Year 2016. Tony’s played a canny hand this past few months though, with Brexit being sufficiently disastrous that millions are apparently prepared to forgive him his pivotal role in starting the biblical refugee crisis which, ironically, has so helped Nigel hammer home his message of hate this past few yonks.

Farage will take this. Arsehole-wise he’s so hot right now.

Blair 39-61% Farage

Mike Ashley vs Liam Fox

A straightforward ‘disgrace off’. Ashley’s disgraceful record as an employer has really come to the fore this year, and you can be sure that in the eyes of his staff there is no greater arsehole currently grubbing on the globe. But can anything really compare with Doc Fox’s disgraceful contempt for democratic norms? Factor in the sheer brassneck required to posture and preen right back into government as if nothing ever happened and it is hard to look past him. An easy winner.

Ashley 31-69% Fox

Iain Duncan Smith vs Michael Gove

A fascinating clash. Smith, blunt, ignorant, made-up qualifications and Gove, educated, erudite, surely the loneliest arsehole in the world. Now most renowned – regardless of what he might say or believe – for publicly ramming a knife between a supposed political ally’s shoulder blades then twisting it this way and that, Gove’s must be an existential 9-5. Then home to the wife…

Every day a carnival for Smith though. Having long established his arsehole credentials most notably at Work & Pensions, he is now free to intrigue and dissemble to his heart’s content, one eye on a sickening return to high office.

Gove on penalties.

IDS 49-51% Gove

Philip Hammond vs Melanie Phillips

A cadaverous encounter which makes me think of the sword waving skeletons from Jason & The Argonauts scrapping amongst themselves. A Battle of Brexits, Soft vs Hard, this has all the makings of a short tough slugfest reminiscent of Hagler-Hearns. Every cautionary note Hammond has sounded in Number 11 with regard to the EU must splash as fresh piss on Melanie’s sizzling chips, and I expect her to blast out of the traps like a greyhound on PCP and prevail.

Hammond 45-55% Phillips

Boris Johnson vs Rupert Murdoch

A grotesque mismatch. That Boris is an arsehole of the finest water is beyond debate, but Murdoch is a constellation of such arseholes, in and of himself. His is a media empire made up of a million blazing arseholes, one which has just parked a cosmic turd right across Downing Street in the form of the Fox-Sky deal. Will this go to Ofcom? Depends what he engraved in May’s flesh when he summoned her to his den in September. A cakewalk.

Johnson 26-74% Murdoch

Toby Young vs Louise Mensch

Whatever else Toby Young might be he is not a deranged arsehole. Quite the reverse. His recent hatchet job on I, Daniel Blake for the Mail confirmed that here was a cold, calculating operator, identifying and pulling all the right levers to reassure readers there was nothing to see, let alone merit international honours.

Louise, by contrast, IS a deranged arsehole. From misquoting elderly US soldiers and threatening to jump their bones to calling for precision strikes on Russia because its tanks are rusty, the cry for help has grown deafening. But we don’t help. We laugh. And she gets worse.

Louise wins.

Young 44-56% Mensch

Rebekah Brooks vs Paul Dacre

Nothing personal about this one, and in ordinary circumstances here are two far right arseholes who you’d imagine might happily share a bucket of chicken or other equally intimate moments, up to and including a jacuzzi. Simply a matter of reach, for me, and on this basis is tempting to view Brooks as the top arsehole of the two. As CEO of News she does after all have her fingers in two daily rags and two Sundays, while Dacre plugs gamely away Monday to Friday on the Mail alone.

The Mail, however, might just as well be hooked up to Dacre’s twitching brain, and it is likely harder for Brooks to ensure her titles tow the utter nutter line at ALL times to such a degree. Close, but Dacre.

Brooks 46-54% Dacre

If you’re not following Barney then go here immediately!

img_1720

Guest Predictions: How did Sean Biggerstaff do?

We asked actor and musician Sean Biggerstaff to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Philip Hammond vs Theresa May

Sean’s Prediction: Hammond 30% – 70% May

Correct score: Hammond 18% – 82% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Rupert Murdoch

Sean’s Prediction: Brooks 20% – 80% Murdoch

Correct score: Brooks 13% – 87% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Katie Hopkins vs Paul Dacre

Sean’s Prediction: Hopkins 70% – 30% Dacre

Correct score:  Hopkins 69% – 31% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Tony Blair vs Jeremy Hunt

Sean’s Prediction: Blair 70% – 30% Hunt

Correct score:  Blair 27% – 73% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Louise Mensch

Sean’s Prediction: Ashley 60% – 40% Mensch

Correct score:  Ashley 28% – 72% Mensch

Nil points

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Sean’s Prediction: Littlejohn 10% – 90% Johnson

Correct score: Littlejohn 38% – 62% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Melanie Philips

Sean’s Prediction: Mckenzie 70% – 30% Philips

Correct score: Mckenzie 88% -12% Philips

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Liam Fox

Sean’s Prediction: Young 40% – 60% Fox

Correct score: Young 39% – 61% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Piers Morgan

Sean’s Prediction: IDS 80% – 20% Morgan

Correct score: IDS 52% – 48% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Sean’s Prediction: Gove 10% – 90% Farage

Correct score:  Gove 21% – 79% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Sean scores 44 points!

If you don’t follow Sean on Twitter then you should definitely consider doing so immediately. Follow him here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. Jason Spacey 48

6. Summer Ray 46

7. Sean Biggerstaff  44

8.  The Sun Apologies 41

8. Gary Stanton 41

9. Oonagh Keating 37

9. Jim Smallman 37

9. Sir Michael 37

10. Professor Jack Darcy 35

11. Doc Hackenbush 32

12. Tiernan Douieb 24

13. Otto English 22