Category: Predictions

Week 27 Predictions: Paul Rainey

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, creator of There’s No Time Like The Present, Thunder Brother: Soap Division and Book of Lists Paul Rainey guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Michael Gove vs Philip Hammond

When Michael Gove first started to penetrate my awareness, he took the form of a wooden spoon with a face drawn onto it, hooked into a coat hanger with an oversized suit hanging off it. I imagined him to be the creation of a giant toddler, Boris Johnson probably, meant as an imaginary friend but now, somehow, real. These days, he looks to me like a Pop Funko toy. I love it when he attempts to be all serious and statesman like because all I can see is a wobble-headed Muppet floating into view. I’ve set up a Just Giving page to buy Gove some lip-seal as his lips always look chapped to me. It’s probably from all those rim-jobs he’s been giving Rupert Murdoch. In comparison, Philip Hammond is a bit of a non-entity to me. I mean, he’s undoubtedly an arsehole because he’s a Conservative MP and the current Chancellor of the Exchequer continuing to oversee the government’s bullshit policy of austerity, but is he a bigger arsehole than Gove? I don’t think so.

Theresa May vs Liam Fox

Well done to Theresa May for sending out the message to all young British girls that they too can one day be Prime Minister like wot she is. Just so long as your predecessor is a complete incompetent who resigns enabling you to acquire the role without a general election and public consent. Three years ago, one of the questions at a Curry Quiz Night I take part in regularly was “who is the current Home Secretary?” and none of my team could remember Theresa May’s name. Now look at her! Girls, you too could one day lounge around the house on your day off in a pair of leather trousers that costs what your mother currently earns every month!

My favourite Theresa May moment is when, during a speech at a Conservative Party Conference one year, she said the phrase “you couldn’t make it up!” whilst sharing an anecdote that was completely made up. This to me sums up modern politics; you don’t need actual proof to justify your actions. In fact, fronting out a lie is seen as an attribute by your supporters.

Liam Fox is definitely an arsehole but his excessive claiming of expenses, taking his friends along with him on ministerial trips and voting against gay marriage just seems like standard Conservative MP arseholery to me. May, now Prime Minister, continuing the unfounded policy of austerity and directing public money, ultimately, into the bank accounts of the super-rich (but not her husband’s) makes her the winner of this game.

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Katie Hopkins

I was surprised to learn from an article I read once about Katie Hopkins that she drops dead seven or eight times a day. Every two to three hours her heart stops and whoever is nearest has to defibrillate her back to life. The implication from the piece being that she is making hay while the suns shines for her family’s future or, more accurately, using this as justification for writing hate-speech for cash. She once did a television show where she put on lots of weight to demonstrate how easy it is to lose afterwards. She managed to lose the weight but her skin, like her personality, has no elasticity and now hangs off her making her look like a melting, wax-person.

MacKenzie, on the other hand, invented the hate-medium from which Hopkins now profits. He’s like all geese, waddling along a newly laid footpath by a picturesque lake, covering it with shit as he goes, honking and exposing his gullet at passers-by. When presented with a news headline, most people might initially think cynically about those involved but when given the facts and the opportunity to consider things properly, they come to a reasonable and fair conclusion. MacKenzie, however, takes great pride in avoiding deeper thought and not only gives into his dark impulses but wants everyone else to as well. To him, thinking is for the privileged and unrealistic for the rest of us. He’s like a giant man-baby, living in and loving the cloud of his own guffs.

When he last worked for The Daily Mail, he wrote a column mocking William Shatner for wearing a wig. William fucking Shatner. He wrote, “I’ve written some awful, awful things in my time… but at least I don’t wear a wig”.  Therefore, Mackenzie is without doubt, the winner of this game.

Piers Morgan vs Louise Mensch

It’s a common misconception about Louise Mensch that it was not being asked to join her friends, including the boy that she loved, along to see a Red Wedge gig in 1985 that set her on the path to chick-lit and then, later, the Conservative Party. It was, in fact, being dumped by a regular, normal and reasonable person that turned her to despising all regular, normal and reasonable people. Today, she lives at the top of Trump Tower with her crap, rock-star husband, spreading her poison via the internet. I have one thing to thank Mensch for and that’s helping me to understand how the Alt-right operate on and completely ruin social media.

Meanwhile, Piers Morgan is definitely a doofus, a clod and a buffoon, but an arsehole? I’m not so sure that he’s even that good. For every dumb thing that he says about The Women’s March or Ewan McGregor he seems to counter with something provocative about gun law said at redneck America. My money’s on the narcissist and wind-up merchant Morgan winning this game but I will be voting for Mensch myself.

Nigel Farage vs Melanie Phillips

There’s a scientific theory gaining popular traction that our universe is a computer-generated hologram designed to show what would have happened had Nigel Farage not died in that plane crash in 2010. I don’t know what I can say about the swivel eyed sociopath that hasn’t already been said.  Every time he appears on BBC UKIP Time, Loose Nazis or Piers Morgan’s Bigot Stories I shout at the world, “I don’t understand!” If charisma is measured by the desire I feel to drop an engine-block onto his head, then yes, he’s very charismatic. And if your party is disproportionately concerned about immigration over other issues such as health, defence, transport, education and employment, then there is a good chance that it is racist, I’m afraid.

This game is an easy win for Farage as I suspect that most people, like me, don’t know who Melanie Phillips is. The popular press in this country covers the entire political spectrum if you think that the spectrum starts at the far right and ends somewhere in the middle. I stopped buying The Guardian regularly after twenty-nine years last year when I realised that it is a Lib Dem paper. On the rare occasions that I buy it now it is for the TV Guide and certainly not for its commentary and punditry.

Iain Duncan Smith vs Richard Littlejohn

They say that Iain Duncan Smith has a reputation amongst his peers for being a bit stupid but he never seemed any more stupid than your standard Tory MP to me. Every time the BBC News announces that unemployment is down I think of the tens of thousands of poor bastards previously on incapacity benefit who have now had to declare themselves as self-employed in the desperate hope for a miracle source of income that never arrives, leading to their premature deaths. We should all remember the role that Smith has played in this. Meanwhile, in Japanese, the name Richard Littlejohn literally translates as Penis Small Penis. Another no-contest. Smith should romp this.

Paul Dacre vs Rupert Murdoch

I grew up in a Daily Mail house. That period during my adolescence, when I realised that adulthood wasn’t as joyless and as pious as the paper had led me to believe, was a revelation to me. In those days, the Peanuts comic-strip appeared every day; Charles Schulz’s monumental fifty yearlong celebration of humanity and the human condition. But Charles Schulz died in the year 2000 and with him went The Daily Mail’s only redeeming quality.

If you ever feel the need to be depressed, try visiting your local Waitrose on a Saturday morning and watching the trucks tipping bundles of The Daily Mail into the gaping maws of middleclass shoppers. You might think that the average age of their readers must now be in the mid-sixties and, therefore, it won’t be long before the paper can no longer sustain itself but it’s already making the leap to online like those super-rich bastards in the film 2012 abandoning the dying planet Earth. Of course, Dacre doesn’t edit the Sunday edition but life is too short for me to examine the nuances between these two cancers in our society; for the sake of argument, I’m holding Dacre responsible for the lot.

Documentaries may tell you that Murdoch is, at his core, a newspaperman, which is true, apart from all the TV networks, movie studies and other publications he also owns. His interests in newspapers begins and ends with him using them as a means for corrupting democracy and directing even more money into his bank account. You may tell yourself that print media is dying and The Sun’s days are numbered but removing the online paywall for it was a declaration that the paper is an asset to him in other ways. If he needs to, he will give The Sun away for as long as it continues to exert its odious influence over the public discourse in this country. You may think that, at 85, Murdoch isn’t long for this world and his influence will soon end, but his disorder has already been passed onto his inheritors who will be harder to identify and who have already devised even more ingenious ways of ruining all our lives. Undoubtedly, Dacre, Farage and Gove are all arseholes but they are but the applications running on Murdoch’s operating system.

Toby Young vs Rebekah Brooks

My only real issue with Toby Young is that he is bald with glasses which is my look. I’m okay with strangers shouting “Harry Hill” at me in a pub but I’m not so keen on “Greg Wallace” or “Toby Young”. Otherwise, whenever he enters my consciousness, it’s for joyful reasons. For example, actress Kirsten Dunst banning from the set of his own film, How To Lose And Alienate People. Or the column he wrote for The Spectator one time about how most of his friends didn’t turn up for his stag weekend in Spain, including his best man, despite paying for a lot of it. Hilarious.

Brooks having a punching bag in her office while she was editor of The Sun is good but it doesn’t compare to those little nuggets from Young. (Apparently, she would beat the stuffing out of it every time she heard news that she didn’t like. “The! Page! Three! Girl’s! Tits! Aren’t! Big! Enough!” and “Tomorrow’s! Striker! Strip! Is! Late! Again!”) Her special relationship with Murdoch and for being one of his inheritors that I referred to earlier makes her the biggest arsehole here.

Tony Blair vs Boris Johnson

I remember when I appreciated for the first time the full horror of Boris Johnson. He was a guest on The One Show, promoting his new biography of Winston Churchill. He was asked what he admired most about the wartime leader and he replied that it was the difficult decisions he had made that affected the lives and deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. I realised that this is what he wants for himself. He wants to be the leader that is remembered for making the difficult (but, actually, not for him) decisions over whether people live or die in a war that he is prepared to concoct if he has to.

Tony Blair has actually done this. He has actually concocted the case for war. He, like me, watched a million people march against the invasion of Iraq on the news but unlike me thought “so what” and proceeded anyway. This makes him, by far, the biggest arsehole. However, keep your eye on Boris. There’s still hope for him triggering the complete and utter annihilation of all life on Earth yet.

Mike Ashley vs Jeremy Hunt

Sports Direct may have dumped their zero-hours contracts last year but there still remains doubt about the company’s intent towards their employees’ quality of work-life. While staff navigate themselves around the shops overstuffed with running shoes and football shirts (mainly size XXL, ironically) working for the bare minimum, they can at least console themselves with the thought that, if they should fall seriously ill, they have a free healthcare system that they can call upon.

Not if the Conservative government and Jeremy Hunt get their way! Hunt, who no longer has the hairstyle of a twelve-year-old boy, but only because every twelve-year-old boy has cut off their hair-flick to avoid the shameful association. Hunt, who is continuing the work started by Andrew Lansley of selling off The National Health Service to the likes of Richard Branson so that he can buy more private islands to set fire to. Hunt, who has affected a glassy-eyed, naïve persona but is, in fact, following the Conservative masterplan for profiting from the healthcare of your friends and family with deadly efficiency.  Once your mum is paying £500 for an eye test and your Dad £20, 000 for a rectal examination, Hunt will have left politics for an overpaid seat on the board of Virgin Healthcare or equivalent. Arsehole!

We strongly recommend that you follow Paul on Twitter here and grab your credit card before checking out his brilliant work here

Guest Predictions: How did Dan Sweryt do?

We asked Dan Sweryt to predict the results of weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Jeremy Hunt vs Piers Morgan

Dan’s prediction: Hunt 40%-60% Morgan

Correct Score: Hunt 41%-59% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Katie Hopkins

Dan’s prediction: Littlejohn 23%-77% Hopkins

Correct Score: Littlejohn 13%-87% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Tony Blair

Dan’s prediction: Brooks 35%-65% Blair

Correct Score: Brooks 66%-34% Blair

Nil points

Liam Fox vs Louise Mensch

Dan’s prediction: Fox 49%-51% Mensch

Correct Score: Fox 43%-37% Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Phillips vs Rupert Murdoch

Dan’s prediction: Phillips 1%-99% Murdoch

Correct Score: Phillips 9%-91% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Philip Hammond

Dan’s prediction: IDS 82%-18% Hammond

Correct Score: IDS 86%-14% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Nigel Farage vs Mike Ashley

Dan’s prediction: Farage 76%-24% Ashley

Correct Score: Farage 89%-11% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Dan’s prediction: Young 15%-85% MacKenzie

Correct Score: Young 18% – 82% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Boris Johnson vs Michael Gove

Dan’s prediction: Johnson 48%-52%  Gove

Correct Score: Johnson 38%-62% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Paul Dacre

Dan’s prediction: May 34%-66% Dacre

Correct Score: May 51%-49% Dacre

Nil points

Dan scores 46 points!

You can follow Dan on Twitter here and check out his website here

Predictions League Standings

1. Hopeless Surfer 64

2.  xxxy 59

3. Jason Sinclair 54

3. Unnamed Insider 54

4. Paul Auntie 53

5. Rich Smith 51

6. John Rain 49

7. Jason Spacey 48

8. Dan Sweryt 46

8. Summer Ray 46

8. Barney Farmer 46

9. Bozwonk 44

9. Sean Biggerstaff  44

10.  The Sun Apologies 41

10. Gary Stanton 41

11. Far Right Watch 37

11. Oonagh Keating 37

11. Jim Smallman 37

11. Sir Michael 37

12. Angry Salmond 35

12. Professor Jack Darcy 35

13. Doc Hackenbush 32

14. Tiernan Douieb 24

15. Otto English 22

Week 26 Predictions: Dan Sweryt

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Dan Sweryt guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Jeremy Hunt vs Piers Morgan

This will show how much people despise more a man whose rantings mean nothing at all in the grand scheme of things over a man who is literally breaking the Health Service.

Jeremy Hunt 40%-60% Piers Morgan

Richard Littlejohn vs Katie Hopkins

I’d like this result to be indicative of the populist rhetoric both purvey, but I’ve been told the numbers have to add up to 100.

Richard Littlejohn 23%-77% Katie Hopkins

Rebekah Brooks vs Tony Blair

Someone whose utter lack of morals and illegal actions should have led to lengthy imprisonment… will lose to Tony Blair.

Rebekah Brooks 35%-65% Tony Blair

Liam Fox vs Louise Mensch

Pretty close in what is the APL’s equivalent of a unwatchable game between Aston Villa and Middlesbrough

Liam Fox 49%-51% Louise Mensch

Melanie Phillips vs Rupert Murdoch

I’m a bit wary if this one tbh. But only because I’m not sure if Melanie can manage as much as 1% against the megabucks of Dick Murdick.

Melanie Phillips 1%-99% Rupert Murdoch

Iain Duncan Smith vs Philip Hammond

Philip Hammond just can’t a break in this league, can he? May fair better in the Arsehole Championship next year alongside the mediocre likes of David Davies, Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds.

Iain Duncan Smith 82%-18% Philip Hammond

Nigel Farage vs Mike Ashley

Now he’s finally reached his life’s goal, achieving everything he’s ever assumed to achieve, Nigel gets asked the same question by everyone: “Nigel, why don’t you just fuck off?”

Nigel Farage 76%-24% Mike Ashley

Toby Young vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Toby may have written ‘How To Lose Friends And Alienate People’ but MacKenzie has lived it.

Toby Young 15%-85% Kelvin MacKenzie

Boris Johnson vs Michael Gove

Awesome! The ‘local’ Twat derby everyone’s been waiting for! It would be an utter travesty if this ended anything other than 48-52 surely! But which way? Personal hatred of Gove overrides common sense.

Boris Johnson 48%-52% Michael Gove

Theresa May vs Paul Dacre

Complete lack of conviction and charisma mean the PM is way out of her league. As usual.

Theresa May 34%-66% Paul Dacre

You can follow Dan on Twitter here and check out his website here

Guest Predictions: How did Hopeless Surfer do?

We asked Hopeless Surfer to predict the results of the midweek fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Rupert Murdoch vs Liam Fox

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Murdoch 96% – 4% Fox

Correct Score: Murdoch 89% -11% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Gove 27% – 73% Farage

Correct Score: Gove 23% – 77% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Rebekah Brooks

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Hopkins 95% – 5% Brooks

Correct Score: Hopkins 85% – 15% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Richard Littlejohn

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:  MacKenzie 66% – 44% Littlejohn

Correct Score: MacKenzie 76% – 24% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Melanie Phillips

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:  Blair 76% – 24% Phillips

Correct Score: Blair 56% – 44% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Iain Duncan Smith

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Ashley 16% – IDS 84%

Correct Score: Ashley 24% – 76% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Toby Young

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Dacre 78% – 22% Young

Correct Score: Dacre 78% – 22% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Louise Mensch vs Jeremy Hunt

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Mensch 29% – 71% Hunt

Correct Score: Mensch 21% – 79% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Theresa May

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Morgan 67%- 33%  May

Correct Score: Morgan 69% – 31% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Philip Hammond vs Boris Johnson

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:Hammond 7% – 93% Johnson

Correct Score: Hammond 13% – 87% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Hopeless Surfer scores 64 points!

If you don’t follow Hopeless Surfer on Twitter then you should immediately right this wrong here, here and here

Predictions League Standings

1. Hopeless Surfer 64

2.  xxxy 59

3. Jason Sinclair 54

3. Unnamed Insider 54

4. Paul Auntie 53

5. Rich Smith 51

6. John Rain 49

7. Jason Spacey 48

8. Summer Ray 46

8. Barney Farmer 46

9. Bozwonk 44

9. Sean Biggerstaff  44

10.  The Sun Apologies 41

10. Gary Stanton 41

11. Far Right Watch 37

11. Oonagh Keating 37

11. Jim Smallman 37

11. Sir Michael 37

12. Angry Salmond 35

12. Professor Jack Darcy 35

13. Doc Hackenbush 32

14. Tiernan Douieb 24

15. Otto English 22

Week 25 Predictions: Hopeless Surfer

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Hopeless Surfer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Rupert Murdoch vs Liam Fox

Rupert Murdoch has had some off pitch distractions lately, including his 100th attempt to grab Sky, and as a result he may not be 100% match fit. However, even a cursory glance of Murdoch’s ProZone stats shows that he always puts in a professional display: he’s CuntleFuckery score has never dipped below a remarkable 97%! Poor old Liam Fox has never shaken off the plucky also-ran tag but since the Brexit result was announced, he appears to have found renewed belief in himself. Fox thinks that this could be his year, and not a day goes by without the Dull Grey Fox sticking his face in a newspaper or camera demanding a Hard Brexit in the next 90 minutes. Such dedication to training means that his ProZone scores are showing improvement. But, when push comes to arsehole Murdoch is a seasoned pro and I expect him to win comfortably.

Murdoch 96% – Fox 4%

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

This could be the glamour tie of the round. It pits a snivelling backstabber, who ditched a close friend at the slightest whiff of power against a jumped up noisehole who failed to win a seat in Thanet on no less than 5,867 separate occasions. Gove has a razor sharp brain which he hones by belittling toddlers and trying to justify the ravings of Donald trump. On the other hand, Farage has a sharp razor and he isn’t afraid to use it should you turn your back. The match will feature a contrast in styles, as Gove’s aloof, silky shiteprose takes on the blokey, crazy foreigner bashing of Farage. The bookies are offering decent odds on Gove in order to temp punters in but I think we all know that Farage is going win.

Gove 27% – Farage 73%

Katie Hopkins vs Rebekah Brooks

Poor Rebekah Brooks is trading on past glories, having never returned to the heady heights of her triumphant “phone hacking” season which saw her name on the lips of the nation, immediately followed by a gobbing to the pavement. Her powers have waned considerably and she is no match for Katie Hopkins. Hopkins continues to raise the bar for aspiring sycophantic attention seeking arseholes around the world

Katie Hopkins 95% – Rebekah Brooks 5%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Richard Littlejohn

The Hillsborough Horror takes on the man who loves to criticize life in modern Britain from his home in Florida. This will be like an old fashioned “blood and guts “ Old Firm derby:  two strongmen willing to deliver a sly punch to the back of an opponents head and then kick them as they lie defenceless on the ground. You can rely on solid performances by these two arsecankers week in, week out, so it will always be a close result. I have flipped a coin and gone for a Mackenzie win.

Kelvin MacKenzie 66% — Richard Littlejohn 44%

Tony Blair vs Melanie Phillips

After being forced out some years ago by his assistant manager Tony Blair has forged a lucrative career making special appearances in foreign leagues. Blair has never lost his touch though, so you still need to check that your wife is standing beside you whenever he leaves the room. This season Blair has never lost a match in which he was leading at the interval. Phillip’s career has seen her play more and more on the right wing where she looks very comfortable. Philips has never finished above Blair since the formation of the Arsehole Premier League and this match will be no different.

Tony Blair 76% – Melanie Phillips 14%

Mike Ashley vs Iain Duncan Smith

If there is one thing you need to win the Asehole Premier League it is stability, and stability is the one thing that Mike Ashley is unable to provide. His turbulent life on and off the pitch ensures that he is too busy fighting self-lit fires to go on a consistent run. IDS meanwhile has turned his season around since Brexit and the once “Quiet Man” can’t shut the fuck up now. His love of taunting the opposition and his squeaky voice ensure an overwhelmingly negative reaction. Even his name is annoying: which bit is his given name and which bit his surname? Is he “Ian Duncan” Smith? or “Ian” Duncan Smith or is the whole thing his surname and he was never given a first name by his parents?

 Mike Ashley 16% – Iain Duncan Smith 84%

Paul Dacre vs Toby Young

I imagine Paul Dacre is the ABU of the Arsehole Premier League – everyone agrees that he is a top tier arsehole but no one wants him to win the league. His publications are nothing more than a stream of consciousness attack on the poor, the vulnerable, the unfortunate and the foreign. Toby Yong recently dismissed his technical coaches and fitness experts because the advice they gave him “don’t ring true.” He also sacked his assistant coach when no one turned up for a planned training session. These setbacks have only increased Young’s belief in his own ability.

Paul Dacre 78% – Toby Young 22%

Louise Mensch vs Jeremy Hunt

No one doubts Mensch’s ability or dedication, but making New York her home ground has distracted from her performances in the domestic league. It is rare for Mensch to put on a display which creates national headlines these days. Jeremy Hunt works out daily by happy slapping the NHS into submission. His high profile attack formation ensures a widespread and vocal reaction from the crowd so I predict a win for him.

Louise Mensch 29% – Jeremy Hunt 71%

Piers Morgan vs Theresa May

Every year Piers Morgan aims for a top four finish in the Arsehole Premier League, and every year Piers Morgan disappoints. He has strengthened his attack and now scores on TV, social media and in the papers. As a result he is the bookies favourite for this years Bollox d’Or. Theresa May is making headlines thanks to a new “Hard Brexit” formation. Her no-nonsense aggressive approach to the opposition certainly plays well with her home supporters. But even taking her recent performances into account, I can’t see her beating Morgan just yet.

Piers Morgan 77%- Theresa May 33%

Philip Hammond vs Boris Johnson

No need to analyze this game too much – Johnson’s weakness for solo runs, insulting foreigners on their home turf, and his penchant for wrestling members of the opposition’s youth squad to the ground will, see him defeat Hammond easily.

Philip Hammond 7% – Boris Johnson 93%

If you don’t follow Hopeless Surfer on Twitter then you should immediately right this wrong here, here and here

Guest predictions: How did Bozwonk do?

We asked Bozwonk to predict the results of the midweek fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Rupert Murdoch vs Nigel Farage

Bozwonk’s prediction: Murdoch 52% – 48% Farage

Correct score: Murdoch 44% – 56% Farage

Nil points

Philip Hammond vs Richard Littlejohn

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hammond 74% – 26%  Littlejohn

Correct score: Hammond 32% – 68% Littlejohn

Nil Points

Louise Mensch vs Theresa May

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Mensch 37% – 63%  May

Correct score: Mensch 41% – 59% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Iain Duncan Smith

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hopkins 78% – 22%  IDS

Correct score: Hopkins 72% – 28% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Toby Young

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Blair 87% – 13% Young

Correct score: Blair 45% – 55% Young

Nil points

Piers Morgan vs Melanie Phillips

Bozwonk’s prediction: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct score: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Paul Dacre vs Jeremy Hunt

Bozwonk’s prediction: Dacre 63% – 37% Hunt

Correct score: Dacre 42% – 58% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Boris Johnson

Bozwonk’s prediction: Ashley 5% – 95% Johnson

Correct score: Ashley 24% – 76% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Liam Fox

Bozwonk’s prediction: Gove 98% – 2% Fox

Correct score: Gove 85% – 15% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Rebekah Brooks

Bozwonk’s prediction: MacKenzie 80% – 20% Brooks

Correct score: MacKenzie 83% – 17% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Bozwonk scores 44 points!

Follow Bozwonk on Twitter here and play Brexit or Remain? here every night at 9.30pm. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Bozwonk

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Angry Salmond 35

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

Week 23 Predictions: Bozwonk

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Brexit or Remain? host Bozwonk guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Rupert Murdoch vs Nigel Farage

Farage is a grinning chimp in an Arthur Daley coat. Often photographed holding a pint, he is the man in the pub spouting bollocks as loudly as he can. “Nige down the pub says that all the crisps are Halal, that’s why he only eats peanuts”. In any other contest Farage would smash it but he’s up against the vile testicle that is Murdoch. Farage may be a clown but Murdoch is Pennywise from It. A real life Monty Burns. If Icke is right about the lizards then Murdoch is the King of them. Murdoch’s paper, The S*n, is a vile rag that has repeatedly shown itself to be a used toilet tissue smeared in shitty lies. The News of the World eventually became so offensive that it had to close. This was mainly instigated by the revelation that the paper hacked the phone of a murdered schoolgirl. An Australian with American citizenship who frequently tells British readers about the disgraceful foreigners ruining their lives, his contempt for the British public knows no bounds. Farage is a village idiot, Murdoch is a global evil. Tough call but a Murdoch has to win.

Rupert Murdoch 52% Nigel Farage 48%

Philip Hammond vs Richard Littlejohn

Hammond currently resides at the bottom of the league. I put this down to my theory that he is in fact Jerry Leadbetter from The Good Life. He slithers to work and does horrible things to impress the top dogs but eventually he goes home to become a complete nonentity. None of his professional views are his own and he has no private ones that Margo hasn’t authorised. He’s even too dull to do well in a league of arseholes. He’s aside feature to the main event. If Hammond is Jerry then Littlejohn is the pig shit in Tom and Barbara’s  garden next door. Littlejohn was a Jeremy Clarkson prototype. I’m honestly surprised that Littlejohn is even in this league, I thought he’d gone the way of white dog shit. I predict a first win for Hammond here.

Philip Hammond 74% Richard Littlejohn 26%

Louise Mensch vs Theresa May

I could flick through an Argos catalogue of disasters that Mensch has thrust herself into the centre of. Her 5000 word blog and days long attack on the 15 year old girl who supported Ed Miliband stands out as her most classic work. There were a thousand options on the table when she discovered #Milifandom but she swept them all away, choosing one that demonstrated just how obsessive and humourless she can be. She stands out from Hopkins and Morgan who say things to gain attention because when Mensch says things, she actually believes them no matter how ridiculous. She continues to believe them long after they have been proved entirely incorrect. I seriously believe that she has a mental health problem, that she’s an untreated addict of some kind. Often, after seeing the latest contents of her flush on Twitter, I wonder where the people that care about her are, her husband? How could he let her repeatedly do this to herself?

For those that opposed Brexit, we at least felt that Britain would never cosy up to the largest liability on the planet that is Trump. That his lies, sexism, his Nazi era policies were too much even for a Conservative govt. Theresa May put all that to bed when she visited Trump last week. Just 30 seconds of footage of it was enough to break all my toes as they curled up like a pair of Ali Baba’s shoes. May strolling along with him, holding his hand (presumably to stop it grabbing her pussy) has demonstrated just how far she is willing to go to appease this monster. She is Mussolini to his Hitler, a Maysolini. Rather than indicating what a noble nation we could have been, she just etched into the history books our decent into some dark, terrible place.

Mensch, as Leadsom’s unofficial campaign manager, predicted in the Tory leadership race, “It’s not going to be Theresa May, there is no chance”. She was wrong then and she’ll lose this contest too.

Louise Mensch 37% Theresa May 63%

Katie Hopkins vs Iain Duncan Smith

Hopkins is a troll. That is her professional role. It should be on her passport. Most of what she says is just talk, she doesn’t believe half of what she says though she feels compelled to say it. She’s a hypocrite to the core. Maybe she’s attacking people who name their children after places even though she named one of her kids India. Maybe she’s screaming about foreigners coming to the UK to take what doesn’t belong to them even though she had an adulterous affair with a married man. I believe her drive to say these things is a desperate need to be noticed. It gives me great comfort to believe that she will paint herself into a lonely corner and by the time of her demise she will have alienated herself from all around her. She’ll realise her deepest fear, to die alone and unloved. Duncan Smith would be the worst person in the world to be stranded on an island with. He’d have you running around, building the shelter, making the fire, tending the fire, hunting food, growing crops and all the other requirements to live. He’d bark these orders as he lazed in the shade, in a hammock (that you had to build), often issuing contradictory orders so that nothing gets done properly (this would obviously all be blamed on you). When you finally collapse in exhaustion, he’d really then start to show what he’s made of. How he delights to pick on the most vulnerable in society. When a ship passes by and you have done enough to attract its attention, he’d be first on board with stories of how brave he was and how useless you were, finally convincing the captain that you shouldn’t be rescued at all, you should be left in the mess that you had created. Hopkins will win because not a day goes by without some slurry pouring from her.

Katie Hopkins 78%  Iain Duncan Smith 22%

Tony Blair vs Toby Young

I’ll not be wasting many words on these two. Toby Young looks like Rupert Murdoch with all the wrinkles ironed out. Tony Blair is a war criminal and racketeer. For all the shit that Young trots out, he’s out of his league here. Young may well win the “Who won’t be blown up in their bed at night” competition but Blair has to win this particular battle.

Tony Blair 87%  Toby Young 13%

Piers Morgan vs Melanie Phillips

Phillips is an undoubted crank. Her views on civil partnerships, climate change and Palestine are all a great guide if you need steering in the right direction, see what she says and go the opposite way.  She has nowhere near the reach of Morgan though. Still going through the process of fully trying to transform himself into the lining of Donald Trump’s anal cavity (the host shows no real signs of accepting the transplant), Morgan spouts views designed to attract attention. He loves and craves the attention. He often retweets followers who say things like “Nice one Piers”, or “Ignore them Piers, you the man”. Imagine retweeting this pathetic praise from no marks to your millions of followers. It’s so thirsty, so desperate and undoes his manufactured front, that of a confident man. Inside, he’s weak, lonely and really quite dim. I bet he has no idea of the amount of chef’s/waiters’ saliva he has ingested over the years, the urge to spit in his food must be irresistible.

Piers Morgan 92% Melanie Phillips 8%

Paul Dacre vs Jeremy Hunt

Hunt is a complete empty head. Only in the position he is due to the old school tie. In centuries gone by he was the runt prince given duties far above his capabilities. If he were the first aider at work you’d rather bleed out at your desk than let this imbecile near you, yet, here he is running the NHS. I don’t think he has strong views on anything other than agreeing with his mates so as to not take another beating in the dorm. If you were to shake Hunt’s head violently you’d hear his brain pinging around in his skull like a tic-tac in a basketball. Paul Dacre is one of the darkest things we learned from WWII. The Daily Mail is nothing but a glorified pamphlet handed out at beer halls across Germany in the 1920’s. Its front page is often taken up with comment, not news. It is undisguised filth. It lurches from paedophilia to racism to threats about doing anything but reading the Mail giving you cancer. Whilst Hunt may well be doing much damage to the NHS, I fear Dacre is doing so much more damage to the fabric of our society. Dacre to win.

Paul Dacre 63% Jeremy Hunt 37%

Mike Ashley vs Boris Johnson

Mike Ashley, to a degree, is a self-made success, albeit on the backs of thousands of workers that are treated as poorly as possible, often illegally. Stories of the treatment of Sports Direct’s employees read like something between Little Dorrit and 1984.

Boris Johnson is a self-made prick. This Bullingdon Club bollock recently unveiled a new string to his shitty bow, that of a grasping coward. He opted to support Brexit for no other reason than it presented an opportunity to topple David Cameron, in what appears to be a lifelong hobby of always trying to better the sexual assaulter of dead pig’s faces.  Having spouted the necessary lies to convince the public that Brexit was the right thing to do, Johnson turned chicken and ran away. Ashley and Johnson may well share the same low morals but they’re different in their public life. Ashley is an intensely private man, Johnson is the polar opposite. Hard to win a match if you’re not prepared to be seen, a Johnson win.

Mike Ashley 5% Boris Johnson 95%

Michael Gove vs Liam Fox

Former disgraced Minister Liam Fox has no hope here. He’s a liability for sure, looks like a factory foreman from a Carry On film, a figure of ridicule but he is going to be hopelessly out classed here. Gove couldn’t run schools properly, failed at prisons and can’t even clap like a normal human being. He’s told stories of how his adoptive father’s business suffered because of the EU only for them to be rubbished by his adoptive father. Too easy, Gove win.

Michael Gove 98%   Liam Fox 2%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Rebekah Brooks

I searched Twitter for MacKenzie, I had to type his full name, right up to the last ‘e’ before it revealed his account. He’ll forever be associated with his disgraceful part of the Hillsborough disaster. It feels like the whole world is trying to ignore him but he clings on, like some lump of vomit in a drunken girl’s hair, offering as much beauty to look at. Talking of hair, Rebekah has a stunning head of hair. Maybe not a popular view but one I have. Maybe it grows so well as its roots are fed by the manure in her skull. Associated with Murdoch, David Cameron she shows a poor judgement in men, indeed, whilst married to Ross kemp, she had an affair with Andy Coulson. Brooks is all sorts of awful but because of Hillsborough, I suspect MacKenzie will win this.

Kelvin MacKenzie 80% Rebekah Brooks 20%

Follow Bozwonk on Twitter here and play Brexit or Remain? here every night at 9.30pm. Go now!

 

Guest Predictions: How did Angry Salmond do?

We asked Angry Salmond to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Paul Dacre Vs Piers Morgan

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Paul Dacre 75% – 25% Piers Morgan

Correct score: Paul Dacre 29% – 71% Piers Morgan

Nil points

Philip Hammond Vs Nigel Farage

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Philip Hammond 10% – 90% Nigel Farage

Correct score: Philip Hammond 5% – 95% Nigel Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn Vs Rebekah Brooks

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Richard Littlejohn 20% – 80% Rebekah Brooks

Correct score: Richard Littlejohn 45% – 55% Rebekah Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Katie Hopkins Vs Mike Ashley

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Katie Hopkins 80% – 20% Mike Ashley

Correct score: Katie Hopkins 88% – 12% Mike Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie Vs Michael Gove

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Kelvin MacKenzie 70% – 30% Michael Gove

Correct score: Kelvin MacKenzie 41% – 59% Michael Gove

Nil points

Iain Duncan Smith Vs Tony Blair

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Iain Duncan Smith 1% – 99% Tony Blair

Correct score: Iain Duncan Smith 72% – 28% Tony Blair

Nil points

Boris Johnson Vs Toby Young

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Boris Johnson 95% – 5% Toby Young

Correct score: Boris Johnson 76% – 24% Toby Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Phillips Vs Theresa May

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Melanie Phillips 10% – 90% Theresa May

Correct score: Melanie Phillips 22% – 78% Theresa May

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch Vs Louise Mensch

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Rupert Murdoch 70% – 30% Louise Mensch

Correct score: Rupert Murdoch 79% – 21% Louise Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Jeremy Hunt Vs Liam Fox

Angry Salmond’s prediction: Jeremy Hunt 99% – 1% Liam Fox

Correct score: Jeremy Hunt 81% – 19% Liam Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Angry Salmond scores 35 points!

Follow Angry Salmond on Twitter here, read his columns for The National here and flood his JustGiving page with generous donations here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Angry Salmond 35

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

Week 22 Predictions: Angry Salmond

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, sultan of sexy socialism Angry Salmond guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Paul Dacre Vs Piers Morgan

I’m often accused of being a “Cybernat” on Twitter, but I don’t think that we should be worrying about internet trolls when the far bigger problem of people still buying the Daily Mail exists. For those unfamiliar, the Mail is essentially a dirty magazine for right-wingers. The paper frequently depicts Muslims as terrorists, benefit claimants as liars and immigrants as scroungers. It’s a hate-rag that has been known to view the suffering of English tourists as more significant than the suffering of refugees fleeing conflict zones. The Mail’s bigoted brand of journalism is produced under the cloak of “Britishness”, which somehow justifies its chauvinistic negativity. In my view, this putrid paper is a reflection of its editor, Paul Dacre. Accordingly, I believe Mr. Dacre will win this round comfortably. Paul is one of the many reasons bloodsuckers like Piers Morgan can still find an outlet for their car salesman politics. The king will always be more hated than his pawns, and Mail Editor Dacre outranks the worm-like Morgan. My hope is that, in an independent Scotland, the Daily Mail will be replaced by The Dandy.

Paul Dacre 75% – 25% Piers Morgan

Philip Hammond Vs Nigel Farage

Like its inevitable winner, this contest is a no-brainer. Nigel Farage looks like what what would happen if Kermit the Frog actually banged Miss Piggy, and the inner workings of his mind are equally unsightly. The media referring to him as a “man of the people” is pretty ridiculous given how much Farage seems to dislike most people on this planet. He appears determined to solve every problem with racism. I genuinely believe that Nigel wants the British workplace to resemble the Death Star; all white, English males in love with an Empire. Indeed, the former UKIP leader has become quite the little pissed-up Palpatine; like the deceitful Sith lord, Farage’s dark influence is never far away from catastrophic political events. He is arguably the driving force behind Brexit, and the rise of the alt-right, as well as being a malevolent adviser to Donald Trump. Of course, in truth, Nigel is little more than a sycophant, grovelling at the feet of fascism. For all his talk, Farage has never been elected in Britain. He is a double-dealing hypocrite who has spent most of his life speaking out against the EU and immigrants, all whilst gleefully spending his MEP salary on projects that could see him migrate to the US. Farage might claim that an independent Scotland would be governed by Brussels, but, compared to him, that would be bloody spectacular.

Philip Hammond 10% – 90% Nigel Farage

Richard Littlejohn Vs Rebekah Brooks

Bouncing between the Sun and the Daily Mail like an intolerant tennis ball, Richard Littlejohn been a haemorrhoid on the arse of journalism since the late 1980s. Aside from his questionable writings on homosexuality, transgender teachers and ethnic minority workers, Littlejohn’s most dislikeable personality trait might be his insistence on telling Britain how to live whilst spending most of his time in Florida. That said, I must give this round to Rebekah Brooks. As much as Richard’s opinions are, for the most part, ungodly awful, they are simply opinions. Brooks, in contrast, has been the executive officer for some of the worst newspapers in existence, including one that was shut down due to widespread criminality. Under Rebekah’s watch, the News of the World hacked the voicemail of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler to access messages left by her parents. It’s true that Brooks was cleared of all charges directly related to phone hacking, but her poor managerial oversight allowed it to harm the lives of countless celebrities and members of the public. This, coupled with the fact that she received a £10.8m payoff for leaving News International, makes her an unquantifiable arsehole. Imagine Murdoch bankrolling you for a year off, and never thinking to give any of the money to the families harmed by your professional failures. Brooks will win this round easily.

Richard Littlejohn 20% – 80% Rebekah Brooks

Katie Hopkins Vs Mike Ashley

Mr Ashley’s business practices might have brought woe to employees and football fans alike, but Katie Hopkins’ truly horrible rhetoric has indirectly affected thousands of minorities across the UK. Her verbal venom has become so over-the-top in recent times, that I’m surprised Hopkins hasn’t suggested that Santa is an illegal immigrant, and that she prays he dies in a sleigh crash over the Mediterranean. With sentiments as offensive as hers, the UK needs Katie Hopkins like human beings need fire ants in their eyes. However, that hasn’t stopped her gaining a significant fan following, and to a very large degree, normalising alt-right opinions in Britain. We know that the number of racially motivated attacks has gone up considerably in recent years, and these figures mirror Hopkin’s rise within popular culture. History might not remember Mike Ashley fondly, but it is likely to take a far worse view of Katie Hopkins. When children study the rebirth of western fascism in the 21st century, Hopkin’s face will certainly feature in a text book or two. Moreover, Katie claiming that she speaks for the UK is one of my top reasons for wanting Scotland out of it.

Katie Hopkins 80% – 20% Mike Ashley

Kelvin MacKenzie Vs Michael Gove

Kelvin MacKenzie symbolises everything that is wrong with modern mainstream journalism. Conversely, Michael Gove strikes me much more as a clueless idiot than a spiteful villain. He is very much like the character of Ellis in Die Hard, a well-intentioned moron, who tries to help, but his incompetence and hateable personality result in his swift demise. Of course, like the smarmy Ellis, Gove not only manages to hurt himself, but others around him. The lies about NHS funding that were splashed across his Big Red Bullshit Bus were an incentive for gullible Englanders to vote Leave during the EU Referendum. As much as these statistics were utter nonsense, I think that Michael Gove actually believed they were accurate. This says a lot about Gove’s own personality: he greatly overestimates his own talent whilst being strung along by immoral people in positions of real power. Frankly, if somebody as stupid as Gove has deceived you, there is a chance that you are more of an arsehole than he is. Kelvin MacKenzie will win this hands down.

Kelvin MacKenzie 70% – 30% Michael Gove

Iain Duncan Smith Vs Tony Blair

IDS isn’t so much anti-EU as he is anti-you and anti-I; he could preach fairness whilst kicking a flaming child in the nuts without flinching. However, this round has to go to the monarch of malevolence that is Tony Blair. The Chilcot Report solidified the former PM’s place as one of the most dangerous politicians in history. The Iraq War was horrific on many levels, but the fact that Britain’s participation was the result of one irrational man is perhaps the most disturbing. Blair went against millions of people, simply because he thought that he knew better. Ironically, he acted in a dictatorial manner to remove a dictator. Frankly, I don’t understand why the media quote Tony as if he’s some sort of innocent, balanced, non-psychopathic person. He isn’t. Worse yet, newspapers have begun asking if Blair should return to politics in the wake of Brexit. To any rational person, asking if Tony Blair should return to politics is like asking if Harold Shipman should return to medical practice. This same lunatic, who took us into Iraq, also thinks that keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom is smart. Thankfully, history has taught us that if Blair thinks it’s a good idea, it’s probably not a good idea. One day, as President of the Independent Republic of Scotland, I will march Blair all the way to The Hague in my pink beret and shades. Scottish independence and criminal charges brought against Tony Blair? That’s the sexist thing I could possibly imagine!

Iain Duncan Smith 1% – 99% Tony Blair

Boris Johnson Vs Toby Young

Somehow Boris Johnson, a man with all the geographical understanding of a toilet brush, is Britain’s Foreign Secretary. I would say that from a Scottish perspective this is absolutely laughable, but I genuinely don’t believe there is a country on the planet that would view this as a wise, or indeed sane, appointment. Certainly, it’s ironic that Boris is up against Toby Young, the author of “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”, considering he has done such a spectacular job of losing friends in Europe, and alienating Britain from the rest of the word. In fact, just this week he accused the EU of contemplating Nazi-style punishment beatings on Britain in revenge for Brexit. It’s true that this is an irresponsible, offensive and deeply immature claim. However, when you consider that Boris looks like he’s just escaped from the darkest recess of CBeebies, it’s hardly surprising that he has such a childish approach to international relations. Wacky haircut and wobbly voiced charm aside, Boris is a hazardous Tory capable of embarrassing his nation on the world stage. A clear victory for the Brexit buffoon here.

Boris Johnson 95% – 5% Toby Young

Melanie Phillips Vs Theresa May

Theresa should win this round with ease. Melanie Phillips, though hardly the type of human you’d enjoy a drink with, is simply a commentator. Out with of her seemingly limitless appearances on BBC Question Time (I believe she is stored in a box with the lighting rig and stage set), she can be disregarded as necessary. Theresa Mayhem, unfortunately, is a bit like diarrhoea, in that even if you do ignore her, she won’t go away. The right-wing press have heralded Theresa as the Second Coming of Thatcher. Which is reasonably accurate, as the only significant difference between Thatcher and May is that Thatcher was elected. That said, it’s hard to imagine that the Iron Lady would ever have been as reckless as May has been with geopolitics. I’ve been on drunken nights out with more viable planning and care than Theresa has demonstrated with Brexit. The PM’s plan to leave the European Union is every bit the hazardous, undemocratic, nationalism-fuelled disaster we thought it would be. Ultimately, we are dealing with a Tory Prime Minister, who is, by her own admission, willing to kill 100, 000 innocent people with a WMD, and stupid enough to put Boris Johnson in front of the world’s news media. In my view, Theresa May has done more for Scottish independence in a matter of months than many Yes politicians have managed in years.

Melanie Phillips 10% – 90% Theresa May

Rupert Murdoch Vs Louise Mensch

Louise Mensch once confused Brexit with a nightclub. In fairness though, the media confuse her opinions with reasoned political commentary all the time. Indeed, her Twitter account has become legendary for all the wrong reasons since she surrendered her role as MP for Corby. The amount of social blunders, absurd conspiracy theories and confused rants she has posted on Twitter has resulted in her locking her account in order to decrease public ridicule. Of course, anyone who uses social media will know that you can’t put a padlock on stupidity, and screengrabs of her continued Twitter gaffes regularly appear online. That said, Louise Mensch, like many of the lower grade competitors in this contest, is merely an antagonistic idiot. Rupert Murdoch, on the other hand, is very much a sinister mastermind. Much like Paul Dacre, Murdoch is an enabler of the dumb, and without his gluttonous villainy at the top of the prick pyramid, people like Louise Mensch would be unheard of. A clear win for Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch 70% – 30% Louise Mensch

Jeremy Hunt Vs Liam Fox

In recent years, Jeremy Hunt has been a breakout star in terms of being a shit. Going from a relative unknown to one of the most hated human beings in Britain, in the space of only a few years, is no mean feat. Liam Fox’s breaking of the ministerial code and expenses indulgences seem like distant memories in the wake of Hunt’s rampant destruction of the NHS. His transparent mishandling of the Health Service – in order to privatise it – has gotten so bad that the British Red Cross recently declared a humanitarian crisis in hospitals across England. What makes this worse is that Hunt, and his allies, claimed that the term humanitarian crisis was “inappropriate”. The Tories actually felt like they had the right to lecture the Red Cross on the definition of a humanitarian crisis. In my view, Hunt will absolutely storm this round. Frankly, his abhorrent attitude towards the working conditions of NHS staff, the quality of healthcare to patients and general disregard for human life could make him a favourite to win this entire fucking contest.

Jeremy Hunt 99% – 1% Liam Fox

Follow Angry Salmond on Twitter here, read his columns for The National here and flood his JustGiving page with generous donations here

Guest predictions: How did Far Right Watch do?

We asked Far Right Watch to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how they did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hopkins 55% – 45% May

Correct score: Hopkins 78% – 22% May

Correct winner 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Brooks 30% – 70% Phillips

Correct score: Brooks 84% – 16% Phillips

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Johnson 45% – 55%  Mensch

Correct score: Johnson 50% – 50% Mensch

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Blair 25% – 75% Dacre

Correct score: Blair 38% – 62% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox

Far Right Watch’s Prediction:: IDS 65% – 35% Fox

Correct score: IDS 70% – 30% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Ashley 10% – 90% Gove

Correct score: Ashley 19% – Gove 81%

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hammond 5% – 95% Murdoch

Correct score: Hammond 4% – 96% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Littlejohn 15% – 85% Morgan

Correct score: Littlejohn 28% – 72% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: MacKenzie 10% – 90% Farage

Correct score: MacKenzie 22% – 78% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Young 50% – 50% Hunt

Correct score: Young 26% – 74% Hunt

Nil points

Far Right Watch score 37 points!

You can follow Far Right Watch on Twitter here and find out more about what they do here. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22