Month: February 2017

Week 26 Predictions: Dan Sweryt

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Dan Sweryt guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Jeremy Hunt vs Piers Morgan

This will show how much people despise more a man whose rantings mean nothing at all in the grand scheme of things over a man who is literally breaking the Health Service.

Jeremy Hunt 40%-60% Piers Morgan

Richard Littlejohn vs Katie Hopkins

I’d like this result to be indicative of the populist rhetoric both purvey, but I’ve been told the numbers have to add up to 100.

Richard Littlejohn 23%-77% Katie Hopkins

Rebekah Brooks vs Tony Blair

Someone whose utter lack of morals and illegal actions should have led to lengthy imprisonment… will lose to Tony Blair.

Rebekah Brooks 35%-65% Tony Blair

Liam Fox vs Louise Mensch

Pretty close in what is the APL’s equivalent of a unwatchable game between Aston Villa and Middlesbrough

Liam Fox 49%-51% Louise Mensch

Melanie Phillips vs Rupert Murdoch

I’m a bit wary if this one tbh. But only because I’m not sure if Melanie can manage as much as 1% against the megabucks of Dick Murdick.

Melanie Phillips 1%-99% Rupert Murdoch

Iain Duncan Smith vs Philip Hammond

Philip Hammond just can’t a break in this league, can he? May fair better in the Arsehole Championship next year alongside the mediocre likes of David Davies, Chris Evans and Noel Edmonds.

Iain Duncan Smith 82%-18% Philip Hammond

Nigel Farage vs Mike Ashley

Now he’s finally reached his life’s goal, achieving everything he’s ever assumed to achieve, Nigel gets asked the same question by everyone: “Nigel, why don’t you just fuck off?”

Nigel Farage 76%-24% Mike Ashley

Toby Young vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Toby may have written ‘How To Lose Friends And Alienate People’ but MacKenzie has lived it.

Toby Young 15%-85% Kelvin MacKenzie

Boris Johnson vs Michael Gove

Awesome! The ‘local’ Twat derby everyone’s been waiting for! It would be an utter travesty if this ended anything other than 48-52 surely! But which way? Personal hatred of Gove overrides common sense.

Boris Johnson 48%-52% Michael Gove

Theresa May vs Paul Dacre

Complete lack of conviction and charisma mean the PM is way out of her league. As usual.

Theresa May 34%-66% Paul Dacre

You can follow Dan on Twitter here and check out his website here

Guest Predictions: How did Hopeless Surfer do?

We asked Hopeless Surfer to predict the results of the midweek fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Rupert Murdoch vs Liam Fox

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Murdoch 96% – 4% Fox

Correct Score: Murdoch 89% -11% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Gove 27% – 73% Farage

Correct Score: Gove 23% – 77% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Rebekah Brooks

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Hopkins 95% – 5% Brooks

Correct Score: Hopkins 85% – 15% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Richard Littlejohn

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:  MacKenzie 66% – 44% Littlejohn

Correct Score: MacKenzie 76% – 24% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Melanie Phillips

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:  Blair 76% – 24% Phillips

Correct Score: Blair 56% – 44% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Iain Duncan Smith

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Ashley 16% – IDS 84%

Correct Score: Ashley 24% – 76% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Toby Young

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Dacre 78% – 22% Young

Correct Score: Dacre 78% – 22% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Louise Mensch vs Jeremy Hunt

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Mensch 29% – 71% Hunt

Correct Score: Mensch 21% – 79% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Theresa May

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction: Morgan 67%- 33%  May

Correct Score: Morgan 69% – 31% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Philip Hammond vs Boris Johnson

Hopeless Surfer’s prediction:Hammond 7% – 93% Johnson

Correct Score: Hammond 13% – 87% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Hopeless Surfer scores 64 points!

If you don’t follow Hopeless Surfer on Twitter then you should immediately right this wrong here, here and here

Predictions League Standings

1. Hopeless Surfer 64

2.  xxxy 59

3. Jason Sinclair 54

3. Unnamed Insider 54

4. Paul Auntie 53

5. Rich Smith 51

6. John Rain 49

7. Jason Spacey 48

8. Summer Ray 46

8. Barney Farmer 46

9. Bozwonk 44

9. Sean Biggerstaff  44

10.  The Sun Apologies 41

10. Gary Stanton 41

11. Far Right Watch 37

11. Oonagh Keating 37

11. Jim Smallman 37

11. Sir Michael 37

12. Angry Salmond 35

12. Professor Jack Darcy 35

13. Doc Hackenbush 32

14. Tiernan Douieb 24

15. Otto English 22

Week 25 Predictions: Hopeless Surfer

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Hopeless Surfer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Rupert Murdoch vs Liam Fox

Rupert Murdoch has had some off pitch distractions lately, including his 100th attempt to grab Sky, and as a result he may not be 100% match fit. However, even a cursory glance of Murdoch’s ProZone stats shows that he always puts in a professional display: he’s CuntleFuckery score has never dipped below a remarkable 97%! Poor old Liam Fox has never shaken off the plucky also-ran tag but since the Brexit result was announced, he appears to have found renewed belief in himself. Fox thinks that this could be his year, and not a day goes by without the Dull Grey Fox sticking his face in a newspaper or camera demanding a Hard Brexit in the next 90 minutes. Such dedication to training means that his ProZone scores are showing improvement. But, when push comes to arsehole Murdoch is a seasoned pro and I expect him to win comfortably.

Murdoch 96% – Fox 4%

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

This could be the glamour tie of the round. It pits a snivelling backstabber, who ditched a close friend at the slightest whiff of power against a jumped up noisehole who failed to win a seat in Thanet on no less than 5,867 separate occasions. Gove has a razor sharp brain which he hones by belittling toddlers and trying to justify the ravings of Donald trump. On the other hand, Farage has a sharp razor and he isn’t afraid to use it should you turn your back. The match will feature a contrast in styles, as Gove’s aloof, silky shiteprose takes on the blokey, crazy foreigner bashing of Farage. The bookies are offering decent odds on Gove in order to temp punters in but I think we all know that Farage is going win.

Gove 27% – Farage 73%

Katie Hopkins vs Rebekah Brooks

Poor Rebekah Brooks is trading on past glories, having never returned to the heady heights of her triumphant “phone hacking” season which saw her name on the lips of the nation, immediately followed by a gobbing to the pavement. Her powers have waned considerably and she is no match for Katie Hopkins. Hopkins continues to raise the bar for aspiring sycophantic attention seeking arseholes around the world

Katie Hopkins 95% – Rebekah Brooks 5%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Richard Littlejohn

The Hillsborough Horror takes on the man who loves to criticize life in modern Britain from his home in Florida. This will be like an old fashioned “blood and guts “ Old Firm derby:  two strongmen willing to deliver a sly punch to the back of an opponents head and then kick them as they lie defenceless on the ground. You can rely on solid performances by these two arsecankers week in, week out, so it will always be a close result. I have flipped a coin and gone for a Mackenzie win.

Kelvin MacKenzie 66% — Richard Littlejohn 44%

Tony Blair vs Melanie Phillips

After being forced out some years ago by his assistant manager Tony Blair has forged a lucrative career making special appearances in foreign leagues. Blair has never lost his touch though, so you still need to check that your wife is standing beside you whenever he leaves the room. This season Blair has never lost a match in which he was leading at the interval. Phillip’s career has seen her play more and more on the right wing where she looks very comfortable. Philips has never finished above Blair since the formation of the Arsehole Premier League and this match will be no different.

Tony Blair 76% – Melanie Phillips 14%

Mike Ashley vs Iain Duncan Smith

If there is one thing you need to win the Asehole Premier League it is stability, and stability is the one thing that Mike Ashley is unable to provide. His turbulent life on and off the pitch ensures that he is too busy fighting self-lit fires to go on a consistent run. IDS meanwhile has turned his season around since Brexit and the once “Quiet Man” can’t shut the fuck up now. His love of taunting the opposition and his squeaky voice ensure an overwhelmingly negative reaction. Even his name is annoying: which bit is his given name and which bit his surname? Is he “Ian Duncan” Smith? or “Ian” Duncan Smith or is the whole thing his surname and he was never given a first name by his parents?

 Mike Ashley 16% – Iain Duncan Smith 84%

Paul Dacre vs Toby Young

I imagine Paul Dacre is the ABU of the Arsehole Premier League – everyone agrees that he is a top tier arsehole but no one wants him to win the league. His publications are nothing more than a stream of consciousness attack on the poor, the vulnerable, the unfortunate and the foreign. Toby Yong recently dismissed his technical coaches and fitness experts because the advice they gave him “don’t ring true.” He also sacked his assistant coach when no one turned up for a planned training session. These setbacks have only increased Young’s belief in his own ability.

Paul Dacre 78% – Toby Young 22%

Louise Mensch vs Jeremy Hunt

No one doubts Mensch’s ability or dedication, but making New York her home ground has distracted from her performances in the domestic league. It is rare for Mensch to put on a display which creates national headlines these days. Jeremy Hunt works out daily by happy slapping the NHS into submission. His high profile attack formation ensures a widespread and vocal reaction from the crowd so I predict a win for him.

Louise Mensch 29% – Jeremy Hunt 71%

Piers Morgan vs Theresa May

Every year Piers Morgan aims for a top four finish in the Arsehole Premier League, and every year Piers Morgan disappoints. He has strengthened his attack and now scores on TV, social media and in the papers. As a result he is the bookies favourite for this years Bollox d’Or. Theresa May is making headlines thanks to a new “Hard Brexit” formation. Her no-nonsense aggressive approach to the opposition certainly plays well with her home supporters. But even taking her recent performances into account, I can’t see her beating Morgan just yet.

Piers Morgan 77%- Theresa May 33%

Philip Hammond vs Boris Johnson

No need to analyze this game too much – Johnson’s weakness for solo runs, insulting foreigners on their home turf, and his penchant for wrestling members of the opposition’s youth squad to the ground will, see him defeat Hammond easily.

Philip Hammond 7% – Boris Johnson 93%

If you don’t follow Hopeless Surfer on Twitter then you should immediately right this wrong here, here and here

Week 24 Preview: Michael Moran

Hello, I’m Michael Moran. You know me. I’m lovely and fluffy and I don’t think anyone’s an arsehole. Not even you.

But I also pay attention to what people say on Twitter and I’ve got a fairly clear idea of who everyone else thinks is an arsehole.

That’s what qualifies me to be Britain’s leading Arsehole Premier League tipster. No personal axe to grind, and a wealth of information about public opinion. You’d almost call me an expert, if we weren’t all sick of experts.

Here are the contenders for the next round of the APL. And remember, if you’re betting on APL, gambling involves risk. Please only gamble with funds that you can afford to lose. Or other people’s money, if you’re an MP.

Jeremy Hunt vs Rupert Murdoch

This is the big one. The venerable tortoise that presides over half of the UK’s media takes on the fluffy mammal who torpedoed the NHS.

It’s a tough one to call but if you want a tip from me, people feel more sanguine about switching off their TV than their old nan’s life-support. Put your money on the mammal.

Richard Littlejohn vs Tony Blair

Tony Blair gets a lot of bad press. He’s responsible for taking us into a pointless war that cased an immense loss of life. Quite a few people see that as a bad thing.

Richard Littlejohn creates a lot of bad press. He makes a tidy living jotting down populist flannel about how awful it is to live in the UK based on his experience of living in one of the nicer parts of Florida.

Tony’s done a lot more good for the UK than Big Rich ever will, but I still think he’ll edge the Arsehole vote on the night.

Rebekah Brooks vs Philip Hammond

Flame-haired Medusa of the popular press up against the greyest man in politics? I can’t see Hammond winning this one.

Even if you remind them that he’s the one with a face like a can-opener most people won’t remember who he is. Even he forgets who he is sometimes. Brooks by a length,

Liam Fox vs Paul Dacre

Liam Fox is the classic oily MP. Up to his curvaceous hips in expenses scandals, and forever being papped on the Red Carpet escorted by close friend Adam Werritty while wearing nothing but an oleaginous smile and a suit you paid for.

Meanwhile Dacre’s only crime, one might reasonably argue, is giving a lot of people the kind of news they want, with a side salad of the kind of ultra-soft-core pornography they also want.

Nevertheless only a fool would bet against the Derry Street man at this stage of the tournament, and he stands a fair chance of going all the way. Sexy.

Melanie Phillips vs Mike Ashley

Mad Mel takes on who?

Even I had to look him up, and I’m a well-known Arsehole Game tipster. He’s the Sports Direct bloke. The only people who are going to vote for him now he’s fallen off the news cycle are disgruntled sportwear salespeople.

Then again the only people who will chose Mel are the few of us that still have the energy to stay up for Question Time. It’s a coin-toss, this one, tbh.

Nigel Farage vs Louise Mensch

One self-confessedly has a mind addled by years of caning it like a champ. The other always has the air of having gone one single malt too far in the Saloon bar.

Can we blame either of them for coming out with oddball statements that can be as baffling as they are hard to agree with? Nevertheless I reckon Farage will win this six-pointer by a country mile.

Iain Duncan Smith vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Both potential giant-killers…but against each other it’s a fixture too tight to call.

I think IDS will just about nick it if only because I know from bitter experience that the Great British Public are always against the bald man, and because IDS sounds a but like a sort of tummyache. The cue-ball’s a reasonable each-way bet.

Toby Young vs Katie Hopkins

Rabble-rousers both, but Toby caters to a better class of rabble. Tobes will try to privatise your kids’ school, while La Hopkins just shouts unkind remarks through the railings.

Recognisability alone will make She Who Must Not Be Tagged Into Your Tweets the ringpiece of the round.

Boris Johnson vs Piers Morgan

Another two big beasts of the arsehole game. In any other season, Morgan would give Bojo real trouble, but on present form he’s lodged so far up Donald Trump’s hoop he might well miss the match altogether. Put your money on the Eton man.

Theresa May vs Michael Gove

Theresa May, you might think, was just the last one standing after the referendum music stopped and all the Brexiteers grabbed a chair. Gove, equally, was just the one who thought about grabbing a chair but then thought about standing up and ended up falling over.

Neither of them seem equipped to compete in the top flight of the ‘being an arsehole’ game. Could easily be a dead-heat. Or one of those annoying 52% – 48% splits you keep reading about. If you have to bet, bet on Govey. The recognisability factor might just carry him over the line.

You can follow Michael on Twitter here, here and here

Guest predictions: How did Bozwonk do?

We asked Bozwonk to predict the results of the midweek fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted)

Rupert Murdoch vs Nigel Farage

Bozwonk’s prediction: Murdoch 52% – 48% Farage

Correct score: Murdoch 44% – 56% Farage

Nil points

Philip Hammond vs Richard Littlejohn

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hammond 74% – 26%  Littlejohn

Correct score: Hammond 32% – 68% Littlejohn

Nil Points

Louise Mensch vs Theresa May

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Mensch 37% – 63%  May

Correct score: Mensch 41% – 59% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Iain Duncan Smith

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Hopkins 78% – 22%  IDS

Correct score: Hopkins 72% – 28% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Toby Young

Bozwonk’s prediction:  Blair 87% – 13% Young

Correct score: Blair 45% – 55% Young

Nil points

Piers Morgan vs Melanie Phillips

Bozwonk’s prediction: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct score: Morgan 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Paul Dacre vs Jeremy Hunt

Bozwonk’s prediction: Dacre 63% – 37% Hunt

Correct score: Dacre 42% – 58% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Boris Johnson

Bozwonk’s prediction: Ashley 5% – 95% Johnson

Correct score: Ashley 24% – 76% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Liam Fox

Bozwonk’s prediction: Gove 98% – 2% Fox

Correct score: Gove 85% – 15% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Rebekah Brooks

Bozwonk’s prediction: MacKenzie 80% – 20% Brooks

Correct score: MacKenzie 83% – 17% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Bozwonk scores 44 points!

Follow Bozwonk on Twitter here and play Brexit or Remain? here every night at 9.30pm. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Bozwonk

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Angry Salmond 35

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22