Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, anti-right wing extremism campaign group Far Right Watch guide you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May
‘La Hopkins’, despite being on a winning streak and close to the top of the table, has had a tougher week than a Hollywood funeral director after her stern meeting with her Daily Mail overlords, the result of her forced ‘skip it out in secret at 2.00am’ grovelling ‘apology’ to the Mahmood Family. Theresa May has been very ‘meh’ for a while now, leather trousers apart (not a great image) and seems to be using a strategy of gaining political ground through masterly inactivity. Neither is on great form but we expect Hopkins to bounce right back to her usual ‘Level 5’ of self-promoting sourness for effect.
Our vote: Katie Hopkins, just.
Prediction: Hopkins 55%, May 45%
Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips
A clash between two angry shrivelled harpies who frankly, both have what they’d call their ‘best days’ behind them. ‘Red Witch’ Brooks will never achieve the status of her child-burning idol ‘Melisandre’ in Game of Thrones, and Phillips … seriously, who even reads her bile these days? This has all the allure of a bottom-of-the-table clash on a wet Tuesday. For the record, Phillips still has the capacity to surprise and shock, it’s just as rare as an undoped Russian athlete. She’ll win, but we don’t see her competing at this level next season.
Our Vote: Phillips, but who really cares?
Prediction: Brooks 30%, Phillips 70%
Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch
This might be a knock-down slug-fest. Boris’ mask is slipping – it appears after all he may *not* be the endearing bumbling simpleton we know and loathe. Foreign Office officials are trying to take his passport away to ensure we survive as a nation. He plays the long game, and plays it well. Mensch of course, lives for that 4 seconds after her tweets when someone pays attention to her banality. Still recovering from the shame after her tweet that the late Leonard Cohen was American (he’s Canadian, of course) she wins by virtue of Johnson having not been much in the news this week. Why is Mensch even a ‘thing’, still? Boris needs to up his game. We know he will. He’s found his passport.
Our Vote: Mensch in a close one.
Prediction: Boris Johnson 45% Louise Mensch 55%
Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre
Matching ‘Evil’ against ‘Influence’. Blair uniquely united the nation, Left, Right and Centre-ground, in deep-seated disdain and hatred. But his Machiavellian antics are history now, and his short dalliance with the Brexit Remain Camp seems to be been more about generating bookings on his lecture tour. Dacre, currently, is the inheritor of much of Blair’s agenda, and has been busy this week rejecting complaints against his own media title as part of his role within IPSO. We were cheered this week by his histrionical ‘Why them and not me? reaction to the Honours List. But Blair is the past and Dacre is now. Landslide.
Our Vote: Dacre in a walk-over.
Prediction: Tony Blair 25% Paul Dacre 75%
Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox
One of those between-Tories battles you just wish was both ‘a fight to the death’ .. and ‘a draw’. Once a politician gets so low that the mere mention of their name induces mild nausea it’s tricky to pick a winner. IDS is the old veteran campaigner, never really out of the game, while Fox’s rehabilitation from the wilderness has not been without its stumbles. Fox’s childishly naive and misguided optimism in the shiny Brexit Unicorn is trumped by IDS’s relentless distilled hatred for anything non-Thatcherite.
Our Vote: Iain Duncan Smith
Prediction: Iain Duncan Smith 65% Liam Fox 35%
Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove
Oh, please, we’re losing the will to live here. Ashley? Loathsome, best ignored and is clearly headed for relegation. Probably to the Lords, one day, if he donates enough. Michael Gove, of course, has the accolade of being the three-times cover image of ‘Most Punchable Face Monthly’, has refined ruinuous incompetence to the level of a performance art – and yet is still here. In Westminster. In the actual Government. Doing things. Somewhere, Gove has a collection of imaginative and revealing photos of the Chief Whip with Cheryl Cole and an Armadillo in a Soho Club, because we can’t think of any other reason he’s still even breathing.
Our Vote: Michael Gove.
Prediction: Mike Ashley 10% Michael Gove 90%
Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch
Top of the table versus bottom, and a non-contest from the first whistle. Hammond is just invisible, isn’t he? We can be shown a photo of him and yet 3 minutes later we *still* forget what he looks like. and this time next year will be the answer to one of those ‘Do you remember..’ questions. Murdoch so far this season is unbeatable and invincible. The only thing that will ever defeat Murdoch is the slow march of time, and frankly he seems almost immune even to that. Clearly his latest wife Jerry Hall is not ‘putting out’ at full throttle, surely even the Dark One couldn’t survive that? We think Murdoch will reign supreme until his evetual demise, which will probably involve a stake, a mallet and a bible. Alternatively if he ever pisses off Putin and likes polonium tea.
Our Vote: Rupert Murdoch, no contest.
Prediction: Philip Hammond 5% Rupert Murdoch 95%
Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan
We asked our American colleagues for their view on Piers Morgan, to find that he’s known Stateside as – and we love this – the Slimey Limey, whereas Littlejohn is very much a ‘Who?’. International influence aside (like Rebekah Brooks and Melanie Phillips) both their stars – and their audiences – are slowly receding. However we do have a soft spot for Piers. It’s behind a remote elm tree in Epping Forest, freshly dug and ready. Piers is still in marginally better form recently, so he gets the nod here.
Our Vote: Piers Morgan
Prediction: Richard Littlejohn 15% Piers Morgan 85%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage
Surprisingly Mackenzie is only 3 wins behind “The People’s Champion”, but we don’t see him winning this one. Farage’s sour face this week after another shock non-award of a Knighthood gave us all some grins, and he could be back in the headlines soon, simply because he hasn’t been in the media much recently – and his rookie ‘just out of their teens’ media team are scrambling for any subject ‘post-Trump’ for Nigel to sermonise on. Christmas is a tricky time for Nigel, though, and he’ll not be fully sober until mid-January. But he gets this one on his past record of unremitting moon-howling.
Our Vote: Nigel Farage
Prediction: Kelvin MacKenzie 10% Nigel Farage 90%
Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt
A Toby against a Jeremy sounds like the worst ‘3rd Form’ fight ever in the Eton Quadrangle. Matching their joint ‘auras of elite entitlement’ against each other is tricky, as neither have shown much media form to be exited about in a while. Young’s uber-smug ‘I deserve to be here’ sneer against Hunt’s ‘How the hell am I still here?’ leer is too close to call. We can’t split them. Although given a moonless night, a hatchet and an alibi, we’d give it a try.
Our Vote: A Draw.
Prediction: Toby Young 50% Jeremy Hunt 50%