Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
Rupert Murdoch vs Nigel Farage
Farage is a grinning chimp in an Arthur Daley coat. Often photographed holding a pint, he is the man in the pub spouting bollocks as loudly as he can. “Nige down the pub says that all the crisps are Halal, that’s why he only eats peanuts”. In any other contest Farage would smash it but he’s up against the vile testicle that is Murdoch. Farage may be a clown but Murdoch is Pennywise from It. A real life Monty Burns. If Icke is right about the lizards then Murdoch is the King of them. Murdoch’s paper, The S*n, is a vile rag that has repeatedly shown itself to be a used toilet tissue smeared in shitty lies. The News of the World eventually became so offensive that it had to close. This was mainly instigated by the revelation that the paper hacked the phone of a murdered schoolgirl. An Australian with American citizenship who frequently tells British readers about the disgraceful foreigners ruining their lives, his contempt for the British public knows no bounds. Farage is a village idiot, Murdoch is a global evil. Tough call but a Murdoch has to win.
Rupert Murdoch 52% Nigel Farage 48%
Philip Hammond vs Richard Littlejohn
Hammond currently resides at the bottom of the league. I put this down to my theory that he is in fact Jerry Leadbetter from The Good Life. He slithers to work and does horrible things to impress the top dogs but eventually he goes home to become a complete nonentity. None of his professional views are his own and he has no private ones that Margo hasn’t authorised. He’s even too dull to do well in a league of arseholes. He’s aside feature to the main event. If Hammond is Jerry then Littlejohn is the pig shit in Tom and Barbara’s garden next door. Littlejohn was a Jeremy Clarkson prototype. I’m honestly surprised that Littlejohn is even in this league, I thought he’d gone the way of white dog shit. I predict a first win for Hammond here.
Philip Hammond 74% Richard Littlejohn 26%
Louise Mensch vs Theresa May
I could flick through an Argos catalogue of disasters that Mensch has thrust herself into the centre of. Her 5000 word blog and days long attack on the 15 year old girl who supported Ed Miliband stands out as her most classic work. There were a thousand options on the table when she discovered #Milifandom but she swept them all away, choosing one that demonstrated just how obsessive and humourless she can be. She stands out from Hopkins and Morgan who say things to gain attention because when Mensch says things, she actually believes them no matter how ridiculous. She continues to believe them long after they have been proved entirely incorrect. I seriously believe that she has a mental health problem, that she’s an untreated addict of some kind. Often, after seeing the latest contents of her flush on Twitter, I wonder where the people that care about her are, her husband? How could he let her repeatedly do this to herself?
For those that opposed Brexit, we at least felt that Britain would never cosy up to the largest liability on the planet that is Trump. That his lies, sexism, his Nazi era policies were too much even for a Conservative govt. Theresa May put all that to bed when she visited Trump last week. Just 30 seconds of footage of it was enough to break all my toes as they curled up like a pair of Ali Baba’s shoes. May strolling along with him, holding his hand (presumably to stop it grabbing her pussy) has demonstrated just how far she is willing to go to appease this monster. She is Mussolini to his Hitler, a Maysolini. Rather than indicating what a noble nation we could have been, she just etched into the history books our decent into some dark, terrible place.
Mensch, as Leadsom’s unofficial campaign manager, predicted in the Tory leadership race, “It’s not going to be Theresa May, there is no chance”. She was wrong then and she’ll lose this contest too.
Louise Mensch 37% Theresa May 63%
Katie Hopkins vs Iain Duncan Smith
Hopkins is a troll. That is her professional role. It should be on her passport. Most of what she says is just talk, she doesn’t believe half of what she says though she feels compelled to say it. She’s a hypocrite to the core. Maybe she’s attacking people who name their children after places even though she named one of her kids India. Maybe she’s screaming about foreigners coming to the UK to take what doesn’t belong to them even though she had an adulterous affair with a married man. I believe her drive to say these things is a desperate need to be noticed. It gives me great comfort to believe that she will paint herself into a lonely corner and by the time of her demise she will have alienated herself from all around her. She’ll realise her deepest fear, to die alone and unloved. Duncan Smith would be the worst person in the world to be stranded on an island with. He’d have you running around, building the shelter, making the fire, tending the fire, hunting food, growing crops and all the other requirements to live. He’d bark these orders as he lazed in the shade, in a hammock (that you had to build), often issuing contradictory orders so that nothing gets done properly (this would obviously all be blamed on you). When you finally collapse in exhaustion, he’d really then start to show what he’s made of. How he delights to pick on the most vulnerable in society. When a ship passes by and you have done enough to attract its attention, he’d be first on board with stories of how brave he was and how useless you were, finally convincing the captain that you shouldn’t be rescued at all, you should be left in the mess that you had created. Hopkins will win because not a day goes by without some slurry pouring from her.
Katie Hopkins 78% Iain Duncan Smith 22%
Tony Blair vs Toby Young
I’ll not be wasting many words on these two. Toby Young looks like Rupert Murdoch with all the wrinkles ironed out. Tony Blair is a war criminal and racketeer. For all the shit that Young trots out, he’s out of his league here. Young may well win the “Who won’t be blown up in their bed at night” competition but Blair has to win this particular battle.
Tony Blair 87% Toby Young 13%
Piers Morgan vs Melanie Phillips
Phillips is an undoubted crank. Her views on civil partnerships, climate change and Palestine are all a great guide if you need steering in the right direction, see what she says and go the opposite way. She has nowhere near the reach of Morgan though. Still going through the process of fully trying to transform himself into the lining of Donald Trump’s anal cavity (the host shows no real signs of accepting the transplant), Morgan spouts views designed to attract attention. He loves and craves the attention. He often retweets followers who say things like “Nice one Piers”, or “Ignore them Piers, you the man”. Imagine retweeting this pathetic praise from no marks to your millions of followers. It’s so thirsty, so desperate and undoes his manufactured front, that of a confident man. Inside, he’s weak, lonely and really quite dim. I bet he has no idea of the amount of chef’s/waiters’ saliva he has ingested over the years, the urge to spit in his food must be irresistible.
Piers Morgan 92% Melanie Phillips 8%
Paul Dacre vs Jeremy Hunt
Hunt is a complete empty head. Only in the position he is due to the old school tie. In centuries gone by he was the runt prince given duties far above his capabilities. If he were the first aider at work you’d rather bleed out at your desk than let this imbecile near you, yet, here he is running the NHS. I don’t think he has strong views on anything other than agreeing with his mates so as to not take another beating in the dorm. If you were to shake Hunt’s head violently you’d hear his brain pinging around in his skull like a tic-tac in a basketball. Paul Dacre is one of the darkest things we learned from WWII. The Daily Mail is nothing but a glorified pamphlet handed out at beer halls across Germany in the 1920’s. Its front page is often taken up with comment, not news. It is undisguised filth. It lurches from paedophilia to racism to threats about doing anything but reading the Mail giving you cancer. Whilst Hunt may well be doing much damage to the NHS, I fear Dacre is doing so much more damage to the fabric of our society. Dacre to win.
Paul Dacre 63% Jeremy Hunt 37%
Mike Ashley vs Boris Johnson
Mike Ashley, to a degree, is a self-made success, albeit on the backs of thousands of workers that are treated as poorly as possible, often illegally. Stories of the treatment of Sports Direct’s employees read like something between Little Dorrit and 1984.
Boris Johnson is a self-made prick. This Bullingdon Club bollock recently unveiled a new string to his shitty bow, that of a grasping coward. He opted to support Brexit for no other reason than it presented an opportunity to topple David Cameron, in what appears to be a lifelong hobby of always trying to better the sexual assaulter of dead pig’s faces. Having spouted the necessary lies to convince the public that Brexit was the right thing to do, Johnson turned chicken and ran away. Ashley and Johnson may well share the same low morals but they’re different in their public life. Ashley is an intensely private man, Johnson is the polar opposite. Hard to win a match if you’re not prepared to be seen, a Johnson win.
Mike Ashley 5% Boris Johnson 95%
Michael Gove vs Liam Fox
Former disgraced Minister Liam Fox has no hope here. He’s a liability for sure, looks like a factory foreman from a Carry On film, a figure of ridicule but he is going to be hopelessly out classed here. Gove couldn’t run schools properly, failed at prisons and can’t even clap like a normal human being. He’s told stories of how his adoptive father’s business suffered because of the EU only for them to be rubbished by his adoptive father. Too easy, Gove win.
Michael Gove 98% Liam Fox 2%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Rebekah Brooks
I searched Twitter for MacKenzie, I had to type his full name, right up to the last ‘e’ before it revealed his account. He’ll forever be associated with his disgraceful part of the Hillsborough disaster. It feels like the whole world is trying to ignore him but he clings on, like some lump of vomit in a drunken girl’s hair, offering as much beauty to look at. Talking of hair, Rebekah has a stunning head of hair. Maybe not a popular view but one I have. Maybe it grows so well as its roots are fed by the manure in her skull. Associated with Murdoch, David Cameron she shows a poor judgement in men, indeed, whilst married to Ross kemp, she had an affair with Andy Coulson. Brooks is all sorts of awful but because of Hillsborough, I suspect MacKenzie will win this.
Kelvin MacKenzie 80% Rebekah Brooks 20%