Month: January 2017

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Week 22 Predictions: Angry Salmond

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, sultan of sexy socialism Angry Salmond guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Paul Dacre Vs Piers Morgan

I’m often accused of being a “Cybernat” on Twitter, but I don’t think that we should be worrying about internet trolls when the far bigger problem of people still buying the Daily Mail exists. For those unfamiliar, the Mail is essentially a dirty magazine for right-wingers. The paper frequently depicts Muslims as terrorists, benefit claimants as liars and immigrants as scroungers. It’s a hate-rag that has been known to view the suffering of English tourists as more significant than the suffering of refugees fleeing conflict zones. The Mail’s bigoted brand of journalism is produced under the cloak of “Britishness”, which somehow justifies its chauvinistic negativity. In my view, this putrid paper is a reflection of its editor, Paul Dacre. Accordingly, I believe Mr. Dacre will win this round comfortably. Paul is one of the many reasons bloodsuckers like Piers Morgan can still find an outlet for their car salesman politics. The king will always be more hated than his pawns, and Mail Editor Dacre outranks the worm-like Morgan. My hope is that, in an independent Scotland, the Daily Mail will be replaced by The Dandy.

Paul Dacre 75% – 25% Piers Morgan

Philip Hammond Vs Nigel Farage

Like its inevitable winner, this contest is a no-brainer. Nigel Farage looks like what what would happen if Kermit the Frog actually banged Miss Piggy, and the inner workings of his mind are equally unsightly. The media referring to him as a “man of the people” is pretty ridiculous given how much Farage seems to dislike most people on this planet. He appears determined to solve every problem with racism. I genuinely believe that Nigel wants the British workplace to resemble the Death Star; all white, English males in love with an Empire. Indeed, the former UKIP leader has become quite the little pissed-up Palpatine; like the deceitful Sith lord, Farage’s dark influence is never far away from catastrophic political events. He is arguably the driving force behind Brexit, and the rise of the alt-right, as well as being a malevolent adviser to Donald Trump. Of course, in truth, Nigel is little more than a sycophant, grovelling at the feet of fascism. For all his talk, Farage has never been elected in Britain. He is a double-dealing hypocrite who has spent most of his life speaking out against the EU and immigrants, all whilst gleefully spending his MEP salary on projects that could see him migrate to the US. Farage might claim that an independent Scotland would be governed by Brussels, but, compared to him, that would be bloody spectacular.

Philip Hammond 10% – 90% Nigel Farage

Richard Littlejohn Vs Rebekah Brooks

Bouncing between the Sun and the Daily Mail like an intolerant tennis ball, Richard Littlejohn been a haemorrhoid on the arse of journalism since the late 1980s. Aside from his questionable writings on homosexuality, transgender teachers and ethnic minority workers, Littlejohn’s most dislikeable personality trait might be his insistence on telling Britain how to live whilst spending most of his time in Florida. That said, I must give this round to Rebekah Brooks. As much as Richard’s opinions are, for the most part, ungodly awful, they are simply opinions. Brooks, in contrast, has been the executive officer for some of the worst newspapers in existence, including one that was shut down due to widespread criminality. Under Rebekah’s watch, the News of the World hacked the voicemail of murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler to access messages left by her parents. It’s true that Brooks was cleared of all charges directly related to phone hacking, but her poor managerial oversight allowed it to harm the lives of countless celebrities and members of the public. This, coupled with the fact that she received a £10.8m payoff for leaving News International, makes her an unquantifiable arsehole. Imagine Murdoch bankrolling you for a year off, and never thinking to give any of the money to the families harmed by your professional failures. Brooks will win this round easily.

Richard Littlejohn 20% – 80% Rebekah Brooks

Katie Hopkins Vs Mike Ashley

Mr Ashley’s business practices might have brought woe to employees and football fans alike, but Katie Hopkins’ truly horrible rhetoric has indirectly affected thousands of minorities across the UK. Her verbal venom has become so over-the-top in recent times, that I’m surprised Hopkins hasn’t suggested that Santa is an illegal immigrant, and that she prays he dies in a sleigh crash over the Mediterranean. With sentiments as offensive as hers, the UK needs Katie Hopkins like human beings need fire ants in their eyes. However, that hasn’t stopped her gaining a significant fan following, and to a very large degree, normalising alt-right opinions in Britain. We know that the number of racially motivated attacks has gone up considerably in recent years, and these figures mirror Hopkin’s rise within popular culture. History might not remember Mike Ashley fondly, but it is likely to take a far worse view of Katie Hopkins. When children study the rebirth of western fascism in the 21st century, Hopkin’s face will certainly feature in a text book or two. Moreover, Katie claiming that she speaks for the UK is one of my top reasons for wanting Scotland out of it.

Katie Hopkins 80% – 20% Mike Ashley

Kelvin MacKenzie Vs Michael Gove

Kelvin MacKenzie symbolises everything that is wrong with modern mainstream journalism. Conversely, Michael Gove strikes me much more as a clueless idiot than a spiteful villain. He is very much like the character of Ellis in Die Hard, a well-intentioned moron, who tries to help, but his incompetence and hateable personality result in his swift demise. Of course, like the smarmy Ellis, Gove not only manages to hurt himself, but others around him. The lies about NHS funding that were splashed across his Big Red Bullshit Bus were an incentive for gullible Englanders to vote Leave during the EU Referendum. As much as these statistics were utter nonsense, I think that Michael Gove actually believed they were accurate. This says a lot about Gove’s own personality: he greatly overestimates his own talent whilst being strung along by immoral people in positions of real power. Frankly, if somebody as stupid as Gove has deceived you, there is a chance that you are more of an arsehole than he is. Kelvin MacKenzie will win this hands down.

Kelvin MacKenzie 70% – 30% Michael Gove

Iain Duncan Smith Vs Tony Blair

IDS isn’t so much anti-EU as he is anti-you and anti-I; he could preach fairness whilst kicking a flaming child in the nuts without flinching. However, this round has to go to the monarch of malevolence that is Tony Blair. The Chilcot Report solidified the former PM’s place as one of the most dangerous politicians in history. The Iraq War was horrific on many levels, but the fact that Britain’s participation was the result of one irrational man is perhaps the most disturbing. Blair went against millions of people, simply because he thought that he knew better. Ironically, he acted in a dictatorial manner to remove a dictator. Frankly, I don’t understand why the media quote Tony as if he’s some sort of innocent, balanced, non-psychopathic person. He isn’t. Worse yet, newspapers have begun asking if Blair should return to politics in the wake of Brexit. To any rational person, asking if Tony Blair should return to politics is like asking if Harold Shipman should return to medical practice. This same lunatic, who took us into Iraq, also thinks that keeping Scotland in the United Kingdom is smart. Thankfully, history has taught us that if Blair thinks it’s a good idea, it’s probably not a good idea. One day, as President of the Independent Republic of Scotland, I will march Blair all the way to The Hague in my pink beret and shades. Scottish independence and criminal charges brought against Tony Blair? That’s the sexist thing I could possibly imagine!

Iain Duncan Smith 1% – 99% Tony Blair

Boris Johnson Vs Toby Young

Somehow Boris Johnson, a man with all the geographical understanding of a toilet brush, is Britain’s Foreign Secretary. I would say that from a Scottish perspective this is absolutely laughable, but I genuinely don’t believe there is a country on the planet that would view this as a wise, or indeed sane, appointment. Certainly, it’s ironic that Boris is up against Toby Young, the author of “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”, considering he has done such a spectacular job of losing friends in Europe, and alienating Britain from the rest of the word. In fact, just this week he accused the EU of contemplating Nazi-style punishment beatings on Britain in revenge for Brexit. It’s true that this is an irresponsible, offensive and deeply immature claim. However, when you consider that Boris looks like he’s just escaped from the darkest recess of CBeebies, it’s hardly surprising that he has such a childish approach to international relations. Wacky haircut and wobbly voiced charm aside, Boris is a hazardous Tory capable of embarrassing his nation on the world stage. A clear victory for the Brexit buffoon here.

Boris Johnson 95% – 5% Toby Young

Melanie Phillips Vs Theresa May

Theresa should win this round with ease. Melanie Phillips, though hardly the type of human you’d enjoy a drink with, is simply a commentator. Out with of her seemingly limitless appearances on BBC Question Time (I believe she is stored in a box with the lighting rig and stage set), she can be disregarded as necessary. Theresa Mayhem, unfortunately, is a bit like diarrhoea, in that even if you do ignore her, she won’t go away. The right-wing press have heralded Theresa as the Second Coming of Thatcher. Which is reasonably accurate, as the only significant difference between Thatcher and May is that Thatcher was elected. That said, it’s hard to imagine that the Iron Lady would ever have been as reckless as May has been with geopolitics. I’ve been on drunken nights out with more viable planning and care than Theresa has demonstrated with Brexit. The PM’s plan to leave the European Union is every bit the hazardous, undemocratic, nationalism-fuelled disaster we thought it would be. Ultimately, we are dealing with a Tory Prime Minister, who is, by her own admission, willing to kill 100, 000 innocent people with a WMD, and stupid enough to put Boris Johnson in front of the world’s news media. In my view, Theresa May has done more for Scottish independence in a matter of months than many Yes politicians have managed in years.

Melanie Phillips 10% – 90% Theresa May

Rupert Murdoch Vs Louise Mensch

Louise Mensch once confused Brexit with a nightclub. In fairness though, the media confuse her opinions with reasoned political commentary all the time. Indeed, her Twitter account has become legendary for all the wrong reasons since she surrendered her role as MP for Corby. The amount of social blunders, absurd conspiracy theories and confused rants she has posted on Twitter has resulted in her locking her account in order to decrease public ridicule. Of course, anyone who uses social media will know that you can’t put a padlock on stupidity, and screengrabs of her continued Twitter gaffes regularly appear online. That said, Louise Mensch, like many of the lower grade competitors in this contest, is merely an antagonistic idiot. Rupert Murdoch, on the other hand, is very much a sinister mastermind. Much like Paul Dacre, Murdoch is an enabler of the dumb, and without his gluttonous villainy at the top of the prick pyramid, people like Louise Mensch would be unheard of. A clear win for Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch 70% – 30% Louise Mensch

Jeremy Hunt Vs Liam Fox

In recent years, Jeremy Hunt has been a breakout star in terms of being a shit. Going from a relative unknown to one of the most hated human beings in Britain, in the space of only a few years, is no mean feat. Liam Fox’s breaking of the ministerial code and expenses indulgences seem like distant memories in the wake of Hunt’s rampant destruction of the NHS. His transparent mishandling of the Health Service – in order to privatise it – has gotten so bad that the British Red Cross recently declared a humanitarian crisis in hospitals across England. What makes this worse is that Hunt, and his allies, claimed that the term humanitarian crisis was “inappropriate”. The Tories actually felt like they had the right to lecture the Red Cross on the definition of a humanitarian crisis. In my view, Hunt will absolutely storm this round. Frankly, his abhorrent attitude towards the working conditions of NHS staff, the quality of healthcare to patients and general disregard for human life could make him a favourite to win this entire fucking contest.

Jeremy Hunt 99% – 1% Liam Fox

Follow Angry Salmond on Twitter here, read his columns for The National here and flood his JustGiving page with generous donations here

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Guest predictions: How did Far Right Watch do?

We asked Far Right Watch to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how they did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hopkins 55% – 45% May

Correct score: Hopkins 78% – 22% May

Correct winner 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Brooks 30% – 70% Phillips

Correct score: Brooks 84% – 16% Phillips

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Johnson 45% – 55%  Mensch

Correct score: Johnson 50% – 50% Mensch

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Blair 25% – 75% Dacre

Correct score: Blair 38% – 62% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox

Far Right Watch’s Prediction:: IDS 65% – 35% Fox

Correct score: IDS 70% – 30% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Ashley 10% – 90% Gove

Correct score: Ashley 19% – Gove 81%

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Hammond 5% – 95% Murdoch

Correct score: Hammond 4% – 96% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Littlejohn 15% – 85% Morgan

Correct score: Littlejohn 28% – 72% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: MacKenzie 10% – 90% Farage

Correct score: MacKenzie 22% – 78% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

Far Right Watch’s Prediction: Young 50% – 50% Hunt

Correct score: Young 26% – 74% Hunt

Nil points

Far Right Watch score 37 points!

You can follow Far Right Watch on Twitter here and find out more about what they do here. Go now!

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Far Right Watch 37

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

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Guest predictions: How did Jason Sinclair do?

We asked Jason Sinclair to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Liam Fox vs Rebekah Brooks

Jason’s prediction: Fox 75% – 25% Brooks

Correct score: Fox 41% – 59% Brooks

Nil points

Louise Mensch vs Tony Blair

Jason’s prediction: Mensch 65% – 35% Blair

Correct score: Mensch 65% – 35% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Kelvin Mackenzie

Jason’s prediction: Hunt 48% – 52% Mackenzie

Correct score: Hunt 55% – 45% MacKenzie

Nil points

Theresa May vs Mike Ashley

Jason’s prediction: May 70% – 30% Ashley

Correct score: May 66% – 34% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Katie Hopkins

Jason’s prediction: Gove 10% – 90% Hopkins

Correct score: Gove 28% – 72% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Philips vs Iain Duncan Smith

Jason’s prediction: Phillips 30% – 70% IDS

Correct score: Phillips 21% – 79% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Philip Hammond

Jason’s prediction: Morgan 95% – 5% Hammond

Correct score: Morgan 90% – 10% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Boris Johnson

Jason’s prediction: Dacre 60% – 40% Johnson

Correct score: Dacre 52% – 48% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Toby Young

Jason’s prediction: Farage 90% –  10% Young

Correct score: Farage 93% – 7% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

 Rupert Murdoch vs Richard Littlejohn

Jason’s prediction: Murdoch 100% – 0% Littlejohn

Correct score: Murdoch 86% – 14% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Jason scores 54 points!

You can follow Jason on Twitter here, and if you’re wondering what to spend your Christmas gift vouchers on, you can buy The Little Red Book of Corbyn Jokes here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Jason Sinclair 54

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. John Rain 49

6. Jason Spacey 48

7. Summer Ray 46

7. Barney Farmer 46

8. Sean Biggerstaff  44

9.  The Sun Apologies 41

9. Gary Stanton 41

10. Oonagh Keating 37

10. Jim Smallman 37

10. Sir Michael 37

11. Professor Jack Darcy 35

12. Doc Hackenbush 32

13. Tiernan Douieb 24

14. Otto English 22

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Week 20 Predictions: Far Right Watch

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, anti-right wing extremism campaign group Far Right Watch guide you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Katie Hopkins vs Theresa May

‘La Hopkins’, despite being on a winning streak and close to the top of the table, has had a tougher week than a Hollywood funeral director after her stern meeting with her Daily Mail overlords, the result of her forced ‘skip it out in secret at 2.00am’ grovelling ‘apology’ to the Mahmood Family. Theresa May has been very ‘meh’ for a while now, leather trousers apart (not a great image) and seems to be using a strategy of gaining political ground through masterly inactivity. Neither is on great form but we expect Hopkins to bounce right back to her usual ‘Level 5’ of self-promoting sourness for effect.

Our vote: Katie Hopkins, just.

Prediction: Hopkins 55%, May 45%

Rebekah Brooks vs Melanie Phillips

A clash between two angry shrivelled harpies who frankly, both have what they’d call their ‘best days’ behind them. ‘Red Witch’ Brooks will never achieve the status of her child-burning idol ‘Melisandre’ in Game of Thrones, and Phillips … seriously, who even reads her bile these days? This has all the allure of a bottom-of-the-table clash on a wet Tuesday. For the record, Phillips still has the capacity to surprise and shock, it’s just as rare as an undoped Russian athlete. She’ll win, but we don’t see her competing at this level next season.

Our Vote: Phillips, but who really cares?

Prediction: Brooks 30%, Phillips 70%

Boris Johnson vs Louise Mensch

This might be a knock-down slug-fest. Boris’ mask is slipping – it appears after all he may *not* be the endearing bumbling simpleton we know and loathe. Foreign Office officials are trying to take his passport away to ensure we survive as a nation. He plays the long game, and plays it well. Mensch of course, lives for that 4 seconds after her tweets when someone pays attention to her banality. Still recovering from the shame after her tweet that the late Leonard Cohen was American (he’s Canadian, of course) she wins by virtue of Johnson having not been much in the news this week. Why is Mensch even a ‘thing’, still? Boris needs to up his game. We know he will. He’s found his passport.

Our Vote: Mensch in a close one.

Prediction: Boris Johnson 45% Louise Mensch 55%

Tony Blair vs Paul Dacre

Matching ‘Evil’ against ‘Influence’. Blair uniquely united the nation, Left, Right and Centre-ground, in deep-seated disdain and hatred. But his Machiavellian antics are history now, and his short dalliance with the Brexit Remain Camp seems to be been more about generating bookings on his lecture tour. Dacre, currently, is the inheritor of much of Blair’s agenda, and has been busy this week rejecting complaints against his own media title as part of his role within IPSO. We were cheered this week by his histrionical ‘Why them and not me? reaction to the Honours List. But Blair is the past and Dacre is now. Landslide.

Our Vote: Dacre in a walk-over.

Prediction: Tony Blair 25% Paul Dacre 75%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Liam Fox

One of those between-Tories battles you just wish was both ‘a fight to the death’ .. and ‘a draw’. Once a politician gets so low that the mere mention of their name induces mild nausea it’s tricky to pick a winner. IDS is the old veteran campaigner, never really out of the game, while Fox’s rehabilitation from the wilderness has not been without its stumbles. Fox’s childishly naive and misguided optimism in the shiny Brexit Unicorn is trumped by IDS’s relentless distilled hatred for anything non-Thatcherite.

Our Vote: Iain Duncan Smith

Prediction: Iain Duncan Smith 65% Liam Fox 35%

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Oh, please, we’re losing the will to live here. Ashley? Loathsome, best ignored and is clearly headed for relegation. Probably to the Lords, one day, if he donates enough. Michael Gove, of course, has the accolade of being the three-times cover image of ‘Most Punchable Face Monthly’, has refined ruinuous incompetence to the level of a performance art – and yet is still here. In Westminster. In the actual Government. Doing things. Somewhere, Gove has a collection of imaginative and revealing photos of the Chief Whip with Cheryl Cole and an Armadillo in a Soho Club, because we can’t think of any other reason he’s still even breathing.

Our Vote: Michael Gove.

Prediction: Mike Ashley 10% Michael Gove 90%

Philip Hammond vs Rupert Murdoch

Top of the table versus bottom, and a non-contest from the first whistle. Hammond is just invisible, isn’t he? We can be shown a photo of him and yet 3 minutes later we *still* forget what he looks like. and this time next year will be the answer to one of those ‘Do you remember..’ questions. Murdoch so far this season is unbeatable and invincible. The only thing that will ever defeat Murdoch is the slow march of time, and frankly he seems almost immune even to that. Clearly his latest wife Jerry Hall is not ‘putting out’ at full throttle, surely even the Dark One couldn’t survive that? We think Murdoch will reign supreme until his evetual demise, which will probably involve a stake, a mallet and a bible. Alternatively if he ever pisses off Putin and likes polonium tea.

Our Vote: Rupert Murdoch, no contest.

Prediction: Philip Hammond 5% Rupert Murdoch 95%

Richard Littlejohn vs Piers Morgan

We asked our American colleagues for their view on Piers Morgan, to find that he’s known Stateside as – and we love this – the Slimey Limey, whereas Littlejohn is very much a ‘Who?’. International influence aside (like Rebekah Brooks and Melanie Phillips) both their stars – and their audiences – are slowly receding. However we do have a soft spot for Piers. It’s behind a remote elm tree in Epping Forest, freshly dug and ready. Piers is still in marginally better form recently, so he gets the nod here.

Our Vote: Piers Morgan

Prediction: Richard Littlejohn 15% Piers Morgan 85%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Nigel Farage

Surprisingly Mackenzie is only 3 wins behind “The People’s Champion”, but we don’t see him winning this one. Farage’s sour face this week after another shock non-award of a Knighthood gave us all some grins, and he could be back in the headlines soon, simply because he hasn’t been in the media much recently – and his rookie ‘just out of their teens’ media team are scrambling for any subject ‘post-Trump’ for Nigel to sermonise on. Christmas is a tricky time for Nigel, though, and he’ll not be fully sober until mid-January. But he gets this one on his past record of unremitting moon-howling.

Our Vote: Nigel Farage

Prediction: Kelvin MacKenzie 10% Nigel Farage 90%

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

A Toby against a Jeremy sounds like the worst ‘3rd Form’ fight ever in the Eton Quadrangle. Matching their joint ‘auras of elite entitlement’ against each other is tricky, as neither have shown much media form to be exited about in a while. Young’s uber-smug ‘I deserve to be here’ sneer against Hunt’s ‘How the hell am I still here?’ leer is too close to call. We can’t split them. Although given a moonless night, a hatchet and an alibi, we’d give it a try.

Our Vote: A Draw.

Prediction: Toby Young 50% Jeremy Hunt 50%

You can follow Far Right Watch on Twitter here and find out more about what they do here. Go now!