Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, writer, author and bassist John Rain guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Nigel Farage vs Richard Littlejohn
While Littlejohn is using up all prickidge via print, this fixture is all about Farage for me. He is a lone wolf of arseholery, a Golden Eagle of cunt, flitting from country to country, causing unrest and boosting sales of golliwog tea towels. It’s just not a competition. Yes, Littlejohn spends most of his time sitting in America moaning about burkas on Alsatians and whether or not Sussex has banned Christmas, but Farage is out there poking his shit covered sticks in bushes, getting paid 85k a year to work as an MEP and leading his twatty brigade of Ovaltine Droogs – he is also Jed Maxwell to Donald Trump, and that for me, is a resounding home win.
My vote: Farage
Prediction: Farage 97% Littlejohn 3%
Rupert Murdoch vs Iain Duncan Smith
We all know that Iain Duncan Smith’s favourite dinner is a wheelchair sandwiched betwixt two benefit forms, that he washes it down with a pint of disabled people’s tears, and goes to work every day on a gondolier made of human skulls, but when it comes to being an arsehole, no one can stand in the way of Rupert Murdoch. He essentially owns the entire planet and rather than using this power for good, he chooses to wield this power like a cunt and spread nothing but hatred, bile, lies and tits. The only consolation is that he has married Jerry Hall and can probably only ejaculate mouldy salt from his three-hundred year old bishop.
My vote: Murdoch
Prediction: Murdoch 98% Duncan Smith 2%
Louise Mensch vs Katie Hopkins
This is a very tricky fixture. Where do you even begin here? On the one hand you have Mensch, who clearly hasn’t got both paddles in the water, and on the other Hopkins, who knows exactly what she is doing and probably doesn’t actually believe anything she says. Mensch can at least operate under the umbrella of being as thick as a Dinosaur sandwich, while she ambles around on social media looking for things that aren’t there and posting them on a website that is so irrelevant it may as well not exist. Hopkins on the other hand, is just a shit-take offend-o-meter juke box that the Daily Mail pays into on a weekly basis. She is definitely the biggest arsehole, on purpose, out of the two.
My vote: Hopkins
Prediction: Mensch 30% Hopkins 70%
Jeremy Hunt vs Philip Hammond
The fact that Jeremy Hunt does a job, the Tory standard-bearer of being a dick to the NHS and everyone involved in it, that literally no one wants and still hasn’t walked into the sea, means he probably enjoys it and is therefore a total arsehole. Couple this with the fact that Theresa May didn’t get rid of him means that she could see in his eyes that he bloody loves it. He’s carefully built up a reputation of being a sort of Wild West undertaker, hurriedly running around British hospitals, measuring operating theatres during delicate operations and selling the kidney to Iceland as soon as it’s removed. Phillip Hammond on the other hand is merely a smug soft-Brexit-bellend, not in Hunt’s league at all. Home win.
My vote: Hunt
Prediction: Hunt 98% Hammond 2%
Theresa May vs Rebekah Brooks
*Adam Curtis voice* “This is a story of a plan with no plan”.
After David Cameron (not quite) literally leapt from the window of 10 Downing Street, Theresa May has had a problem. A massive problem that has no solution, like a Rubick’s Cube covered in glue; Brexit. It’s all very “Bart’s Elephant” from The Simpsons in that it’s something we have won and that we have no idea what to do with. The only solution Theresa May has offered is to say the word Brexit and attach other words to it, such as “Brexit means Brexit” or “Red, White and Blue Brexit” or “Brexit’s good, Brexit’s good, Eber-Brexit’s good”. She is flailing more and more each day, meanwhile Cameron is earning big money telling Americans how shit it all is. May is looking more and more hopeless with each day and based on Nicky Morgan’s leather trouser experience (sounds like a band), more and more of an arsehole, too. Rebekah Brooks on the other hand is a complete and total arsehole of the highest order. She’s probably the worst woman in the World at the moment, so she wins, as she always should. Away win.
My vote: Brooks
Prediction: Theresa May 45% Brooks 55%
Michael Gove vs Tony Blair
This is a tough one. Gove has recently “awoken” into some sort of self-awareness vacuum, simultaneously attacking the “MSM” (while writing for The Times) and simultaneously suggesting that modern art is shit (after having cut arts funding not so long ago). Tony Blair on the other hand has risen above water of late, like some sort of arsehole leviathan, spouting opinions that no one really wants to hear (what with him being partly responsible for the World being a fucking awful place for so many people). As bad as Blair is, I think Gove shades it based on current form, the terrible arsehole that he is
My vote: Gove
Prediction: Gove 51% Blair 49%
Piers Morgan vs Mike Ashley
Gríma Wormtongue vs Bill Sykes, it’s a difficult one seeing as both men are completely awful in every possible way, but Morgan is the stand out of the two based on the fact that he is a wholly ubiquitous at present. A thoroughly awful human specimen that happily backed a lying, misogynist, KKK endorsed Presidential candidate to reach the highest office in the World, and still is smug as fuck about it. Top, top arsehole. Home win.
My vote: Morgan
Prediction: Morgan 87% Ashley 13%
Liam Fox vs Boris Johnson
Disgraced M.P. Liam Fox, the current Secretary of State for International Trade, is a blundering pillock, that’s for sure. He has embarrassed himself over the years, but he isn’t Boris Johnson. This cannot be said enough times. Boris Johnson is surely in the top 5 of the biggest arseholes of 2016. He stood in front of that bus and spouted nothing but bullshit for months and months, only then to be hilariously stabbed in the back by Gove and his Lady Macbeth wife. Beloved by idiots for being stupid, he’s a proper arsehole and wins this one hands down. Away win.
My vote: Johnson
Prediction: Fox 10% Johnson 90%
Paul Dacre vs Kelvin MacKenzie
This is like Godzilla vs Kong. Dacre vs Mackenzie is a tough draw. They are both up with there with Murdoch in terms of pure evil bastards. While Dacre is responsible for the hate preaching of the Daily Mail and the borderline noncery that features within, MacKenzie is a rancid piece of shit that happily printed lies about dead children the day after the Hillsborough Disaster, while also saying that if you go to Brighton you’ll get AIDS. He can fuck right off and is always top of the list of arseholes.
My vote: MacKenzie
Prediction: Dacre 35% MacKenzie 65%
Melanie Phillips vs Toby Young
If you had infinite numbers of monkeys, sat in front of infinite numbers of typewriters, there will never be worse takes written than the ones pumped out by Toby Young. He is the worst writer in the world and seems to revel in it. Melanie Phillips is bad, but by fuck, she is not in Young’s league. This is the man who asked if “friendship was a myth” because no one came to his stag night. He is the king of the bellends and a total and utter arsehole.
My vote: Young
Prediction: Young 90% Phillips 10%