Day: December 16, 2016

Week 17 Predictions: Barney Farmer

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer of Drunken Bakers and other Viz creations Barney Farmer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Richard Littlejohn vs Jeremy Hunt

In snooker terms this is a 1984 Hexagon semi between Ray Reardon and Jimmy White.

Littlejohn has been an arsehole for decades, and enjoyed a lengthy stint as the country’s top sphincter – by a comfortable margin. Never strayed far from the top table, and on his day still capable of turning in a shocker, but very much in managed decline.

Hunt is a comparatively new arsehole on the block but already in his pomp. Flowing natural skills, enervating to watch, an obvious favourite. But late December is a nostalgic time, so I’m feeling Littlejohn will pinch it on the strength of his lifetime’s cuntribution.

Littlejohn 56-44% Hunt

Katie Hopkins vs Piers Morgan

An odd meta match-up. Katie is a failed soldier who thinks she’s a journalist, because her horrible thoughts are published in a newspaper. Piers IS a journalist, and of many years standing, but he was originally given the bum’s rush from newspapers because he failed soldiers by telling everyone they pissed on Iraqis. Stunning arseholes both, this will probably be determined by their public brain vomits from now until the whistle blows. I’ll go with Hopkins, because her consistent racial barrage becomes gradually more wearing on the soul at this time of year, as we pay lip service to vague notions of goodwill to all.

Hopkins 59-41% Morgan

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Theresa May

Arseholes come in all shapes, sizes and hues, and here is a match-up that illustrates this clearly. Say what you like about MacKenzie, his arsehole chops rest wholly on doing what he does VERY well. Still lying, smearing and carefully upsetting people at the highest level, he remains a titan of MSM arseholedom. May too is at the summit of her arseholery, but her unique brand derives chiefly from levels of ineptitude which make thinking citizens flinch as if scalded. In the event I expect her to prevail easily, especially if she farts out another stench-meme to rival ‘red, white and blue, Brexit’ before battle is joined.

MacKenzie 37-63% May

Tony Blair vs Nigel Farage

A clash of the titans, the defining arsehole of the late nineties/noughties versus a contender for Time magazine’s Arsehole of the Year 2016. Tony’s played a canny hand this past few months though, with Brexit being sufficiently disastrous that millions are apparently prepared to forgive him his pivotal role in starting the biblical refugee crisis which, ironically, has so helped Nigel hammer home his message of hate this past few yonks.

Farage will take this. Arsehole-wise he’s so hot right now.

Blair 39-61% Farage

Mike Ashley vs Liam Fox

A straightforward ‘disgrace off’. Ashley’s disgraceful record as an employer has really come to the fore this year, and you can be sure that in the eyes of his staff there is no greater arsehole currently grubbing on the globe. But can anything really compare with Doc Fox’s disgraceful contempt for democratic norms? Factor in the sheer brassneck required to posture and preen right back into government as if nothing ever happened and it is hard to look past him. An easy winner.

Ashley 31-69% Fox

Iain Duncan Smith vs Michael Gove

A fascinating clash. Smith, blunt, ignorant, made-up qualifications and Gove, educated, erudite, surely the loneliest arsehole in the world. Now most renowned – regardless of what he might say or believe – for publicly ramming a knife between a supposed political ally’s shoulder blades then twisting it this way and that, Gove’s must be an existential 9-5. Then home to the wife…

Every day a carnival for Smith though. Having long established his arsehole credentials most notably at Work & Pensions, he is now free to intrigue and dissemble to his heart’s content, one eye on a sickening return to high office.

Gove on penalties.

IDS 49-51% Gove

Philip Hammond vs Melanie Phillips

A cadaverous encounter which makes me think of the sword waving skeletons from Jason & The Argonauts scrapping amongst themselves. A Battle of Brexits, Soft vs Hard, this has all the makings of a short tough slugfest reminiscent of Hagler-Hearns. Every cautionary note Hammond has sounded in Number 11 with regard to the EU must splash as fresh piss on Melanie’s sizzling chips, and I expect her to blast out of the traps like a greyhound on PCP and prevail.

Hammond 45-55% Phillips

Boris Johnson vs Rupert Murdoch

A grotesque mismatch. That Boris is an arsehole of the finest water is beyond debate, but Murdoch is a constellation of such arseholes, in and of himself. His is a media empire made up of a million blazing arseholes, one which has just parked a cosmic turd right across Downing Street in the form of the Fox-Sky deal. Will this go to Ofcom? Depends what he engraved in May’s flesh when he summoned her to his den in September. A cakewalk.

Johnson 26-74% Murdoch

Toby Young vs Louise Mensch

Whatever else Toby Young might be he is not a deranged arsehole. Quite the reverse. His recent hatchet job on I, Daniel Blake for the Mail confirmed that here was a cold, calculating operator, identifying and pulling all the right levers to reassure readers there was nothing to see, let alone merit international honours.

Louise, by contrast, IS a deranged arsehole. From misquoting elderly US soldiers and threatening to jump their bones to calling for precision strikes on Russia because its tanks are rusty, the cry for help has grown deafening. But we don’t help. We laugh. And she gets worse.

Louise wins.

Young 44-56% Mensch

Rebekah Brooks vs Paul Dacre

Nothing personal about this one, and in ordinary circumstances here are two far right arseholes who you’d imagine might happily share a bucket of chicken or other equally intimate moments, up to and including a jacuzzi. Simply a matter of reach, for me, and on this basis is tempting to view Brooks as the top arsehole of the two. As CEO of News she does after all have her fingers in two daily rags and two Sundays, while Dacre plugs gamely away Monday to Friday on the Mail alone.

The Mail, however, might just as well be hooked up to Dacre’s twitching brain, and it is likely harder for Brooks to ensure her titles tow the utter nutter line at ALL times to such a degree. Close, but Dacre.

Brooks 46-54% Dacre

If you’re not following Barney then go here immediately!

Guest Predictions: How did Sean Biggerstaff do?

We asked actor and musician Sean Biggerstaff to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Philip Hammond vs Theresa May

Sean’s Prediction: Hammond 30% – 70% May

Correct score: Hammond 18% – 82% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Rupert Murdoch

Sean’s Prediction: Brooks 20% – 80% Murdoch

Correct score: Brooks 13% – 87% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Katie Hopkins vs Paul Dacre

Sean’s Prediction: Hopkins 70% – 30% Dacre

Correct score:  Hopkins 69% – 31% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Tony Blair vs Jeremy Hunt

Sean’s Prediction: Blair 70% – 30% Hunt

Correct score:  Blair 27% – 73% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs Louise Mensch

Sean’s Prediction: Ashley 60% – 40% Mensch

Correct score:  Ashley 28% – 72% Mensch

Nil points

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Sean’s Prediction: Littlejohn 10% – 90% Johnson

Correct score: Littlejohn 38% – 62% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Melanie Philips

Sean’s Prediction: Mckenzie 70% – 30% Philips

Correct score: Mckenzie 88% -12% Philips

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Liam Fox

Sean’s Prediction: Young 40% – 60% Fox

Correct score: Young 39% – 61% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Piers Morgan

Sean’s Prediction: IDS 80% – 20% Morgan

Correct score: IDS 52% – 48% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Nigel Farage

Sean’s Prediction: Gove 10% – 90% Farage

Correct score:  Gove 21% – 79% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Sean scores 44 points!

If you don’t follow Sean on Twitter then you should definitely consider doing so immediately. Follow him here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Rich Smith 51

5. Jason Spacey 48

6. Summer Ray 46

7. Sean Biggerstaff  44

8.  The Sun Apologies 41

8. Gary Stanton 41

9. Oonagh Keating 37

9. Jim Smallman 37

9. Sir Michael 37

10. Professor Jack Darcy 35

11. Doc Hackenbush 32

12. Tiernan Douieb 24

13. Otto English 22