Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, writer of Drunken Bakers and other Viz creations Barney Farmer guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Richard Littlejohn vs Jeremy Hunt
In snooker terms this is a 1984 Hexagon semi between Ray Reardon and Jimmy White.
Littlejohn has been an arsehole for decades, and enjoyed a lengthy stint as the country’s top sphincter – by a comfortable margin. Never strayed far from the top table, and on his day still capable of turning in a shocker, but very much in managed decline.
Hunt is a comparatively new arsehole on the block but already in his pomp. Flowing natural skills, enervating to watch, an obvious favourite. But late December is a nostalgic time, so I’m feeling Littlejohn will pinch it on the strength of his lifetime’s cuntribution.
Littlejohn 56-44% Hunt
Katie Hopkins vs Piers Morgan
An odd meta match-up. Katie is a failed soldier who thinks she’s a journalist, because her horrible thoughts are published in a newspaper. Piers IS a journalist, and of many years standing, but he was originally given the bum’s rush from newspapers because he failed soldiers by telling everyone they pissed on Iraqis. Stunning arseholes both, this will probably be determined by their public brain vomits from now until the whistle blows. I’ll go with Hopkins, because her consistent racial barrage becomes gradually more wearing on the soul at this time of year, as we pay lip service to vague notions of goodwill to all.
Hopkins 59-41% Morgan
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Theresa May
Arseholes come in all shapes, sizes and hues, and here is a match-up that illustrates this clearly. Say what you like about MacKenzie, his arsehole chops rest wholly on doing what he does VERY well. Still lying, smearing and carefully upsetting people at the highest level, he remains a titan of MSM arseholedom. May too is at the summit of her arseholery, but her unique brand derives chiefly from levels of ineptitude which make thinking citizens flinch as if scalded. In the event I expect her to prevail easily, especially if she farts out another stench-meme to rival ‘red, white and blue, Brexit’ before battle is joined.
MacKenzie 37-63% May
Tony Blair vs Nigel Farage
A clash of the titans, the defining arsehole of the late nineties/noughties versus a contender for Time magazine’s Arsehole of the Year 2016. Tony’s played a canny hand this past few months though, with Brexit being sufficiently disastrous that millions are apparently prepared to forgive him his pivotal role in starting the biblical refugee crisis which, ironically, has so helped Nigel hammer home his message of hate this past few yonks.
Farage will take this. Arsehole-wise he’s so hot right now.
Blair 39-61% Farage
Mike Ashley vs Liam Fox
A straightforward ‘disgrace off’. Ashley’s disgraceful record as an employer has really come to the fore this year, and you can be sure that in the eyes of his staff there is no greater arsehole currently grubbing on the globe. But can anything really compare with Doc Fox’s disgraceful contempt for democratic norms? Factor in the sheer brassneck required to posture and preen right back into government as if nothing ever happened and it is hard to look past him. An easy winner.
Ashley 31-69% Fox
Iain Duncan Smith vs Michael Gove
A fascinating clash. Smith, blunt, ignorant, made-up qualifications and Gove, educated, erudite, surely the loneliest arsehole in the world. Now most renowned – regardless of what he might say or believe – for publicly ramming a knife between a supposed political ally’s shoulder blades then twisting it this way and that, Gove’s must be an existential 9-5. Then home to the wife…
Every day a carnival for Smith though. Having long established his arsehole credentials most notably at Work & Pensions, he is now free to intrigue and dissemble to his heart’s content, one eye on a sickening return to high office.
Gove on penalties.
IDS 49-51% Gove
Philip Hammond vs Melanie Phillips
A cadaverous encounter which makes me think of the sword waving skeletons from Jason & The Argonauts scrapping amongst themselves. A Battle of Brexits, Soft vs Hard, this has all the makings of a short tough slugfest reminiscent of Hagler-Hearns. Every cautionary note Hammond has sounded in Number 11 with regard to the EU must splash as fresh piss on Melanie’s sizzling chips, and I expect her to blast out of the traps like a greyhound on PCP and prevail.
Hammond 45-55% Phillips
Boris Johnson vs Rupert Murdoch
A grotesque mismatch. That Boris is an arsehole of the finest water is beyond debate, but Murdoch is a constellation of such arseholes, in and of himself. His is a media empire made up of a million blazing arseholes, one which has just parked a cosmic turd right across Downing Street in the form of the Fox-Sky deal. Will this go to Ofcom? Depends what he engraved in May’s flesh when he summoned her to his den in September. A cakewalk.
Johnson 26-74% Murdoch
Toby Young vs Louise Mensch
Whatever else Toby Young might be he is not a deranged arsehole. Quite the reverse. His recent hatchet job on I, Daniel Blake for the Mail confirmed that here was a cold, calculating operator, identifying and pulling all the right levers to reassure readers there was nothing to see, let alone merit international honours.
Louise, by contrast, IS a deranged arsehole. From misquoting elderly US soldiers and threatening to jump their bones to calling for precision strikes on Russia because its tanks are rusty, the cry for help has grown deafening. But we don’t help. We laugh. And she gets worse.
Young 44-56% Mensch
Rebekah Brooks vs Paul Dacre
Nothing personal about this one, and in ordinary circumstances here are two far right arseholes who you’d imagine might happily share a bucket of chicken or other equally intimate moments, up to and including a jacuzzi. Simply a matter of reach, for me, and on this basis is tempting to view Brooks as the top arsehole of the two. As CEO of News she does after all have her fingers in two daily rags and two Sundays, while Dacre plugs gamely away Monday to Friday on the Mail alone.
The Mail, however, might just as well be hooked up to Dacre’s twitching brain, and it is likely harder for Brooks to ensure her titles tow the utter nutter line at ALL times to such a degree. Close, but Dacre.
Brooks 46-54% Dacre
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