Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, writer and prankster Otto English guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Louise Mensch vs Boris Johnson
Perennial Arsehole Premier League favourite Mensch (who once tried to get me arrested) takes on big hitter Johnson in what will no doubt be the major fixture of the week-end. Despite well documented dope scandals in her past Louise (who incidentally once tried to get me banged up) Mensch has much to bring to the table, but will she match the £350 million a week promising, exploding bus building, failure to do anything in all his years as Mayor, Boris on the day? My instinct says yes absolutely. Oh and did I mention – she once tried to get me nicked?
Mensch 70% – 30% Johnson
Liam Fox vs Iain Duncan Smith
The Disgraced Former Defence Secretary Liam Fox may now be the Disgraceful Secretary of State for International Trade but with Werrity out of the game, due to ignominy, he lacks the desperately needed defence and tackle combination so necessary in a game of two halves. The big money has to be on the slap-headed, literally nobody has a good word to say about him, Iain Duncan Smith; a man gifted with all the charm of a dead weasel that has been festering by the side of the A414 outside Harlow New Town for six months. In the rain. There have been match fixing allegations against IDS in the past – but made up degrees from dodgy Latin American language schools can only benefit him in this Fumble of the Bungles.
Fox 48% – 52% IDS
Theresa May vs Katie Hopkins
After surprise and sudden promotion from Third Division Home Secretary last summer May shows every sign of playing the same undistinguished game in the Premier League (geddit?) The new PM has one of those names, like Roger Moore, that seems to hint at obvious puns – but you won’t find them here. Theresa May invoke Brexit (means Brexit look it up) in March thus annoying actual taxpayers – and then again she May Not; but her chances against Hopkins in this weekend face off look slim at best. The Reality TV runner up is to the early 21st century what soap on a rope was to the 1970s – pointless, annoying and terrible at radio broadcasting. With her dedicated following of angry single men of a certain age, who think Muslims are going to make them wear burqas and who singularly fail to write coherent sentences on twitter, Hopkins is a dead cert in this round.
Hopkins 80% – 20% May
Paul Dacre vs Tony Blair
Paul “Vagina Monologue” Dacre famed for his er “colourful” outbursts in The Daily Mail newsroom might be the Editor of Britain’s best-selling middle brow tabloid but tucked away in his Knightsbridge bunker, plotting second fronts, he remains a faintly aloof figure. A good week for Paul as he has put in the prep for this head to head by reporting Thomas Mair’s conviction for the murder of Jo Cox on page 30 of his rag. You know. PAGE THIRTY. After the bits about celebrity cellulite. “MP murdered? That’s not news! TOWIE babe looks crap in a bikini? That’s news!” The Pele of Penises faces Tony “WMD” Blair in what promises to be a spectacular grudge match. If Tony can bring to the game what he managed in four years in Iraq – expect a lot of dead bodies, angry voters and a power vacuum in the Middle East. This is Dacre’s game to win and if The PLA dossier, compiled by correspondent T Blair from a blog he found on the internet, is to be believed he could do it in as little as 45 minutes.
Dacre 51% – 49% Blair
Piers Morgan Vs Richard Littlejohn
The clash of the Titan……ic morons. Some of you may remember Little John’s early work as a side kick to Robin of Loxley. Since then things have gone a little “off target.” Clearly all that time deep in the forest with a bunch of “merry men” was a euphemism too far and for the best part of two decades little Richard has been firing off enraged columns about taking “OUR COUNTRY” back. Dicky’s recurrent targets remain homosexuals, migrants, gays, ‘ecotoffs’, the “so called” LGBT community, people called Susan who are probably gay, gays students, gays the Muslamics, the gay Muslamics….. you get the idea. So desperate is Ricky to get his country back to the good old days of Jimmy Saville and the Black and White Minstrels that he resides in FLORIDA… you know in AMERICA. Just north of Cuba. On the other side of the Atlantic. Piers Morgan? Well the best thing that can be said about this publicity hungry incredibly tiresome bore is nothing. So I’ll leave it at that. Dicky Littlejohn will win. But only just.
Morgan 45% – 55% Littlejohn
Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt
Hunt and Young. Sounds a bit like a respectable firm of Chartered Accountants in a Midlands market town doesn’t it? Don’t be fooled my friends. These gladiators facing each other in the key weekend meeting are both masters of the art of how to alienate not just people but entire species. Toby Young’s problem is that he is essentially a man trapped in a cartoonized version of himself. Hunt by contrast has the haunted look of a chap who knows he is forever just seconds away from an unfortunate sexual malapropism and public ridicule. Hunt is familiar with the turf – but it’s a Young man’s game.
Young 65% – 35% Hunt
Nigel Farage vs Kelvin MacKenzie
Well what can you say? A pity they can’t both win. Some view Farage as a towering figure “a modern Churchill who has delivered us from the EUSSR and unelected bureaucrats who’ve never done a proper day’s work.” These people are completely wrong. Farage most puts me in mind of wrestling legend “BIG DADDY” a lot of bluster but no actual skill. Farage might laugh like a cement mixer falling down a gravel slope but there’ll be little to laugh at by the end of the week-end. Farage may well have put in good work this week – celebrating his 20 years as a Brussels MEP with a swanky do at The Ritz and promising to move to America, but this is Kelvin’s game to lose. Mackenzie brings much weight to the ring on account of his being a monumental and unmitigated cunt who is hated by everyone – including quite possibly himself. He’ll win. I’d bet my second best pair of underpants on it.
Mackenzie 60% – 40% Nigel Farage
Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove
Iron Mike against Penfold? Like sending a steamroller to crack a monkey nut. It’ll be a bloodbath. During the Tory party leadership race Gove demonstrated all the cunning and judgement of a potato. He might still be loathed in many quarters but pity would perhaps be more appropriate. There are no second acts in political lives – and Michael Gove didn’t really manage a first. Ashley by contrast is the arsehole’s arsehole. An employer who would make the testicle chewing, father in law killing, Caligula look like a “model boss.” Run for the hills Penfold – you don’t stand a chance.
Gove 19% – 81% Ashley
Melanie Phillips vs Rebekah Brooks
I once followed Melanie Phillips through a garden centre in Hertfordshire. As she about looking at poinsettias, the leaves wilted off trees and the flowers crumbled to grey dust. Babies wept in terror and the birds fell silent and dropped like stone ornaments to the earth below. If Melanie Phillips were stranded on a desert island one can imagine that the island itself would seek some means of escape. Her talents have long been wasted in journalism. Were she to turn her skill and charm to “milk curdling” cheese exports would boom in our glorious post Brexit dairy and biscuits based economy. The Melstar faces professional Mick Hucknall impersonator Rebekah Brooks, the dark horse (Red Rum?) of the competition when not on loan to David Cameron. Brooks will be taken apart.
Melanie Phillips 89% – 11% Brooks
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