Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, the brilliantly funny Oonagh Keating guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.
Michael Gove vs Rupert Murdoch
Arsehole Champions’ League contender Michael Gove faces top-of-the-table utter bastard Rupert Murdoch in a battle he is likely to lose now he no longer has the facility to wrest the crayons from the fingers of tiny children, at least in an official capacity. The scrotal-faced chunder-from-Down-Under’s training regimen involves peddling borderline Fascist headlines, meddling with governments and listening to Jerry Hall’s Roxy Music albums on repeat so he’s a lean, mean arsehole machine.
Gove 41% – 59% Murdoch
Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson
Rent-a-ranter Richard Littlejohn will be sharpening his barbs in readiness for a studs-up match with mid-table lurker and legendary diplomat Boris Johnson. This Leave on Leave grudge match will be fiercely contested but is unlikely to result in a resounding win for either arsehole. Expect Boris Johnson to ramp up his Prince Philipesque attitude to foreigners for just long enough to achieve a crucial lead, much as he accidentally did in the EU referendum.
Littlejohn 41% – 59% Johnson
Rebekah Brooks vs Piers Morgan
A clash of journalists former Sun writers that was almost too close to call until Morgan indulged in some truly nauseating Donald Trump worship. In spite of telling millennials to stop whinging, a message shared by many, the fact that it was regarding the US election can only make him more irritating than ever. The man who was too much of an arsehole for the country that thinks Trump is good president material will take the 3-point prize over the woman that the UK thought was Sideshow Bob and David Cameron thought was discreet.
Brooks 44% – 56% Morgan
Melanie Phillips vs Paul Dacre
A woman whose idea of multitasking is to write a hate-piece on immigration whilst sucking a lemon, Melanie Phillips has her work cut out to dent the defence of practised arsehole and Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, after a spate of particularly venomous recent headlines, even by Mail standards. Her recent contention that Trump is a victim of misrepresentation by vicious lefties will, at best, only serve to make this defeat slightly less humiliating. Expect a rout!
Phillips 30% – 70% Dacre
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Philip Hammond
With MacKenzie’s undeniable record of delivering blistering bile and bigotry with little to no effort and Hammond’s surprisingly poor form for a sitting chancellor, this match is set to resemble Conor McGregor in a cage fight with Darcey Bussell. The ref’s likely to make good use of his red card during the fixture, hopefully to inflict paper cuts on both contestants. Unless Hammond brings his budget forward to this weekend, MacKenzie is certain to score very highly and blame Scousers for it.
MacKenzie 76% – 24% Hammond
Tony Blair vs Liam Fox
New Labour takes on ‘New UKIP’ in this battle between the ‘trying to be relevant again’ and the ‘just plain trying’. Blair’s government record and captaincy of the All-England Patronising Squad are likely to give him an advantage over the International Trade Secretary, a man of whom many of his colleagues say “Who?”. If Liam Fox put as much effort into preparing for Brexit as he did into trying to wriggle out of repaying overclaimed expenses, they’d have a plan by now.
Blair 53% – 47% Fox
Nigel Farage vs Theresa May
Farage’s grinning visage has rarely been off our screens since he appointed himself toady-in-chief to President Elect Trump, giving the third-time UKIP leader undeniable arsehole points as just seeing him tends to induce apoplexy in even the most rational. While many suspected his photo-op in the gold elevator of Trump Towers was opportunistic, it’s clear he planned it to clinch a victory in this fixture. Although being the prime minister, and a Tory one at that, would normally guarantee the win, May’s Thatcher-lite act is no match for the public outrage sparked by the very real prospect of ‘Lord Farage of Twatsville’. Whatever way she spins it, ‘Loser’ means ‘Loser’.
Farage 68% – 32% May
Toby Young vs Mike Ashley
This match between the full-time political show panel member Toby Young and Sports Direct Ltd and Newcastle Utd. owner, Mike Ashley, might almost come down to the toss of a coin. Don’t expect either man to provide one for the toss, though – the tight bastards! Young has kept his profile high with some semi-professional Phil Mitchell lookalike work, but Mike Ashley’s recreation of the Victorian workhouse in his Sports Direct Ltd warehouses may be enough to grab him the 3 points he so desperately needs to avoid relegation to League 2, where he’d be forced to try his hand against lesser arseholes, such as Kirstie Allsopp and the cast of Emmerdale.
Young 48% – 52% Ashley
Katie Hopkins vs Jeremy Hunt
Fresh from disappointing the UK by reneging on her promise to head to America if Donald Trump won the election, Katie Hopkins takes a small break from her day job (showing orphans what they would have been getting for Christmas if they had parents) to go head-to-head with Jeremy Hunt. The scourge of the NHS and a man for whom rhyming slang had surely been waiting all these years, Hunt could well lose out simply by being marginally less publicity hungry than his opponent. No medics will be available for this match.
Hopkins 52% – 48% Hunt
Iain Duncan Smith vs Louise Mensch
Since flouncing out of office after deciding the government’s welfare cuts had gone too far, their chief architect and aspiring hypocrite, Iain Duncan Smith, has mostly been busy championing Brexit, which is shorthand for ‘being a massively irritating bellend’. His opponent in this fixture is Louise Mensch, the Twitter gift that keeps on giving, who thought Leonard Cohen was American, Charlie Hebdo was a person and her virulent opinions were relevant.
IDS 56% – 44% Mensch
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