Month: November 2016

ottoenglish

Guest Predictions: How did Otto English do?

We asked writer and prankster Otto English to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Louise Mensch vs Boris Johnson

Otto’s prediction: Mensch 70% – 30% Johnson

Correct score: Mensch 59% – 41% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Iain Duncan Smith

Otto’s prediction: Fox 48% – 52% IDS

Correct score: Fox 30% – 70% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Katie Hopkins

Otto’s prediction: May 20% – 80% Hopkins

Correct score: May 19% – 81% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Paul Dacre vs Tony Blair

Otto’s prediction: Dacre 51% – 49% Blair

Correct score: Dacre 66% – 34% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan Vs Richard Littlejohn

Otto’s prediction: Morgan 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Correct score: Morgan 68% – 32% Littlejohn

Nil points

 Jeremy Hunt vs Toby Young

Otto’s prediction: Hunt 35% – 65% Young

Correct score: Hunt 76% – 34% Young

Nil points

Nigel Farage vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Otto’s prediction:  Farage 40% – 60% MacKenzie

Correct score: Farage 74% -26% MacKenzie

Nil points

Michael Gove vs Mike Ashley

Otto’s prediction:  Gove 19% – 81% Ashley

Correct score: Gove 82% – 18% Ashley

Melanie Phillips vs Rebekah Brooks

Otto’s prediction: Melanie Phillips 89% – 11% Brooks

Correct score: Phillips 28% – 72% Brooks

Otto scores 22 points!

If you require his outstanding writing skills, have a couple of million pounds to help fund his movie or want to know why Louise Mensch tried to have him arrested, you can follow Otto, here, here and here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Oonagh Keating 37

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

11. Otto English 22

 

ottoenglish

Week 13 Predictions: Otto English

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer and prankster Otto English guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Louise Mensch vs Boris Johnson

Perennial Arsehole Premier League favourite Mensch (who once tried to get me arrested) takes on big hitter Johnson in what will no doubt be the major fixture of the week-end. Despite well documented dope scandals in her past Louise (who incidentally once tried to get me banged up) Mensch has much to bring to the table, but will she match the £350 million a week promising, exploding bus building, failure to do anything in all his years as Mayor, Boris on the day? My instinct says yes absolutely. Oh and did I mention – she once tried to get me nicked?

Mensch 70% – 30% Johnson

Liam Fox vs Iain Duncan Smith

The Disgraced Former Defence Secretary Liam Fox may now be the Disgraceful Secretary of State for International Trade but with Werrity out of the game, due to ignominy, he lacks the desperately needed defence and tackle combination so necessary in a game of two halves. The big money has to be on the slap-headed, literally nobody has a good word to say about him, Iain Duncan Smith; a man gifted with all the charm of a dead weasel that has been festering by the side of the A414 outside Harlow New Town for six months. In the rain. There have been match fixing allegations against IDS in the past – but made up degrees from dodgy Latin American language schools can only benefit him in this Fumble of the Bungles.

Fox 48% – 52% IDS

Theresa May vs Katie Hopkins

After surprise and sudden promotion from Third Division Home Secretary last summer May shows every sign of playing the same undistinguished game in the Premier League (geddit?) The new PM has one of those names, like Roger Moore, that seems to hint at obvious puns – but you won’t find them here. Theresa May invoke Brexit (means Brexit look it up) in March thus annoying actual taxpayers – and then again she May Not; but her chances against Hopkins in this weekend face off look slim at best. The Reality TV runner up is to the early 21st century what soap on a rope was to the 1970s – pointless, annoying and terrible at radio broadcasting. With her dedicated following of angry single men of a certain age, who think Muslims are going to make them wear burqas and who singularly fail to write coherent sentences on twitter, Hopkins is a dead cert in this round.

Hopkins 80% – 20% May

Paul Dacre vs Tony Blair

Paul “Vagina Monologue” Dacre famed for his er “colourful” outbursts in The Daily Mail newsroom might be the Editor of Britain’s best-selling middle brow tabloid but tucked away in his Knightsbridge bunker, plotting second fronts, he remains a faintly aloof figure. A good week for Paul as he has put in the prep for this head to head by reporting Thomas Mair’s conviction for the murder of Jo Cox on page 30 of his rag. You know. PAGE THIRTY. After the bits about celebrity cellulite. “MP murdered? That’s not news! TOWIE babe looks crap in a bikini? That’s news!” The Pele of Penises faces Tony “WMD” Blair in what promises to be a spectacular grudge match. If Tony can bring to the game what he managed in four years in Iraq – expect a lot of dead bodies, angry voters and a power vacuum in the Middle East. This is Dacre’s game to win and if The PLA dossier, compiled by correspondent T Blair from a blog he found on the internet, is to be believed he could do it in as little as 45 minutes.

Dacre 51% – 49% Blair

Piers Morgan Vs Richard Littlejohn

The clash of the Titan……ic morons. Some of you may remember Little John’s early work as a side kick to Robin of Loxley. Since then things have gone a little “off target.” Clearly all that time deep in the forest with a bunch of “merry men” was a euphemism too far and for the best part of two decades little Richard has been firing off enraged columns about taking “OUR COUNTRY” back.  Dicky’s recurrent targets remain homosexuals, migrants, gays, ‘ecotoffs’, the “so called” LGBT community, people called Susan who are probably gay, gays students, gays the Muslamics, the gay Muslamics….. you get the idea. So desperate is Ricky to get his country back to the good old days of Jimmy Saville and the Black and White Minstrels that he resides in FLORIDA… you know in AMERICA. Just north of Cuba. On the other side of the Atlantic. Piers Morgan? Well the best thing that can be said about this publicity hungry incredibly tiresome bore is nothing. So I’ll  leave it at that. Dicky Littlejohn will win. But only just.

Morgan 45% – 55% Littlejohn

Toby Young vs Jeremy Hunt

Hunt and Young. Sounds a bit like a respectable firm of Chartered Accountants in a Midlands market town doesn’t it? Don’t be fooled my friends. These gladiators facing each other in the key weekend meeting are both masters of the art of how to alienate not just people but entire species. Toby Young’s problem is that he is essentially a man trapped in a cartoonized version of himself. Hunt by contrast has the haunted look of a chap who knows he is forever just seconds away from an unfortunate sexual malapropism and public ridicule. Hunt is familiar with the turf – but it’s a Young man’s game.

Young 65% – 35% Hunt

Nigel Farage vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Well what can you say? A pity they can’t both win. Some view Farage as a towering figure “a modern Churchill who has delivered us from the EUSSR and unelected bureaucrats who’ve never done a proper day’s work.” These people are completely wrong. Farage most puts me in mind of wrestling legend “BIG DADDY” a lot of bluster but no actual skill. Farage might laugh like a cement mixer falling down a gravel slope but there’ll be little to laugh at by the end of the week-end. Farage may well have put in good work this week – celebrating his 20 years as a Brussels MEP with a swanky do at The Ritz and promising to move to America, but this is Kelvin’s game to lose. Mackenzie brings much weight to the ring on account of his being a monumental and unmitigated cunt who is hated by everyone – including quite possibly himself. He’ll win. I’d bet my second best pair of underpants on it.

Mackenzie 60% – 40% Nigel Farage

Mike Ashley vs Michael Gove

Iron Mike against Penfold? Like sending a steamroller to crack a monkey nut. It’ll be a bloodbath. During the Tory party leadership race Gove demonstrated all the cunning and judgement of a potato. He might still be loathed in many quarters but pity would perhaps be more appropriate. There are no second acts in political lives – and Michael Gove didn’t really manage a first. Ashley by contrast is the arsehole’s arsehole. An employer who would make the testicle chewing, father in law killing, Caligula look like a “model boss.” Run for the hills Penfold – you don’t stand a chance.

Gove 19% – 81% Ashley

Melanie Phillips vs Rebekah Brooks

I once followed Melanie Phillips through a garden centre in Hertfordshire. As she about looking at poinsettias, the leaves wilted off trees and the flowers crumbled to grey dust.  Babies wept in terror and the birds fell silent and dropped like stone ornaments to the earth below. If Melanie Phillips were stranded on a desert island one can imagine that the island itself would seek some means of escape. Her talents have long been wasted in journalism. Were she to turn her skill and charm to “milk curdling” cheese exports would boom in our glorious post Brexit dairy and biscuits based economy. The Melstar faces professional Mick Hucknall impersonator Rebekah Brooks, the dark horse (Red Rum?) of the competition when not on loan to David Cameron. Brooks will be taken apart.

Melanie Phillips 89% – 11% Brooks

If you require his outstanding writing skills, have a couple of million pounds to help fund his movie or want to know why Louise Mensch tried to have him arrested, you can follow Otto, here, here and here

okeating

Guest Predictions: How did Oonagh Keating do?

We asked the brilliantly funny Oonagh Keating to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how she did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Michael Gove vs Rupert Murdoch

Oonagh’s prediction: Gove 41% – 59% Murdoch

Correct Score: Gove 24% – 76% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Oonagh’s prediction: Littlejohn 41% – 59% Johnson

Correct Score: Littlejohn 38% – 62% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Piers Morgan

Oonagh’s prediction: Brooks 44% – 56% Morgan

Correct Score: Brooks 32% – 68% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Phillips vs Paul Dacre

Oonagh’s prediction: Phillips 30% – 70% Dacre

Correct Score: Phillips 12% – 88% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Philip Hammond

Oonagh’s prediction: MacKenzie 76% – 24% Hammond

Correct Score: MacKenzie 82% – 18% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Tony Blair vs Liam Fox

Oonagh’s prediction: Blair 53% – 47% Fox

Correct Score: Blair 42% – 58% Fox

Nil points

Nigel Farage vs Theresa May

Oonagh’s prediction: Farage 68% – 32% May

Correct Score: Farage 88% – 12% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Mike Ashley

Oonagh’s prediction: Young 48% – 52% Ashley

Correct Score: Young 51% – 49% Ashley

Nil points

Katie Hopkins vs Jeremy Hunt

Oonagh’s prediction: Hopkins 52% – 48% Hunt

Correct Score: Hopkins 62% – 38% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Louise Mensch

Oonagh’s prediction: IDS 56% – 44% Mensch

Correct Score: IDS 50% – 50% Mensch

Nil points

Oonagh scores 37 points!

If you don’t follow Oonagh, you are seriously failing at Twitter! Right this wrong Immediately! @Okeating

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Oonagh Keating 37

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

okeating

Week 12 Predictions: Oonagh Keating

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, the brilliantly funny Oonagh Keating guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Michael Gove vs Rupert Murdoch

Arsehole Champions’ League contender Michael Gove faces top-of-the-table utter bastard Rupert Murdoch in a battle he is likely to lose now he no longer has the facility to wrest the crayons from the fingers of tiny children, at least in an official capacity.  The scrotal-faced chunder-from-Down-Under’s training regimen involves peddling borderline Fascist headlines, meddling with governments and listening to Jerry Hall’s Roxy Music albums on repeat so he’s a lean, mean arsehole machine.

Gove 41% – 59% Murdoch

Richard Littlejohn vs Boris Johnson

Rent-a-ranter Richard Littlejohn will be sharpening his barbs in readiness for a studs-up match with mid-table lurker and legendary diplomat Boris Johnson. This Leave on Leave grudge match will be fiercely contested but is unlikely to result in a resounding win for either arsehole.  Expect Boris Johnson to ramp up his Prince Philipesque attitude to foreigners for just long enough to achieve a crucial lead, much as he accidentally did in the EU referendum.

Littlejohn 41% – 59% Johnson

Rebekah Brooks vs Piers Morgan

A clash of journalists former Sun writers that was almost too close to call until Morgan indulged in some truly nauseating Donald Trump worship.   In spite of telling millennials to stop whinging, a message shared by many, the fact that it was regarding the US election can only make him more irritating than ever.  The man who was too much of an arsehole for the country that thinks Trump is good president material will take the 3-point prize over the woman that the UK thought was Sideshow Bob and David Cameron thought was discreet.

Brooks 44% – 56% Morgan

Melanie Phillips vs Paul Dacre

A woman whose idea of multitasking is to write a hate-piece on immigration whilst sucking a lemon, Melanie Phillips has her work cut out to dent the defence of practised arsehole and Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, after a spate of particularly venomous recent headlines, even by Mail standards.  Her recent contention that Trump is a victim of misrepresentation by vicious lefties will, at best, only serve to make this defeat slightly less humiliating.  Expect a rout!

Phillips 30% – 70% Dacre

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Philip Hammond

With MacKenzie’s undeniable record of delivering blistering bile and bigotry with little to no effort and Hammond’s surprisingly poor form for a sitting chancellor, this match is set to resemble Conor McGregor in a cage fight with Darcey Bussell.  The ref’s likely to make good use of his red card during the fixture, hopefully to inflict paper cuts on both contestants.  Unless Hammond brings his budget forward to this weekend, MacKenzie is certain to score very highly and blame Scousers for it.

MacKenzie 76% – 24% Hammond

Tony Blair vs Liam Fox

New Labour takes on ‘New UKIP’ in this battle between the ‘trying to be relevant again’ and the ‘just plain trying’.  Blair’s government record and captaincy of the All-England Patronising Squad are likely to give him an advantage over the International Trade Secretary, a man of whom many of his colleagues say “Who?”.  If Liam Fox put as much effort into preparing for Brexit as he did into trying to wriggle out of repaying overclaimed expenses, they’d have a plan by now.

Blair 53% – 47% Fox

Nigel Farage vs Theresa May

Farage’s grinning visage has rarely been off our screens since he appointed himself toady-in-chief to President Elect Trump, giving the third-time UKIP leader undeniable arsehole points as just seeing him tends to induce apoplexy in even the most rational.  While many suspected his photo-op in the gold elevator of Trump Towers was opportunistic, it’s clear he planned it to clinch a victory in this fixture.  Although being the prime minister, and a Tory one at that, would normally guarantee the win, May’s Thatcher-lite act is no match for the public outrage sparked by the very real prospect of ‘Lord Farage of Twatsville’.  Whatever way she spins it, ‘Loser’ means ‘Loser’.

Farage 68% – 32% May

Toby Young vs Mike Ashley

This match between the full-time political show panel member Toby Young and Sports Direct Ltd and Newcastle Utd. owner, Mike Ashley, might almost come down to the toss of a coin.  Don’t expect either man to provide one for the toss, though – the tight bastards! Young has kept his profile high with some semi-professional Phil Mitchell lookalike work, but Mike Ashley’s recreation of the Victorian workhouse in his Sports Direct Ltd warehouses may be enough to grab him the 3 points he so desperately needs to avoid relegation to League 2, where he’d be forced to try his hand against lesser arseholes, such as Kirstie Allsopp and the cast of Emmerdale.

Young 48% – 52% Ashley

Katie Hopkins vs Jeremy Hunt

Fresh from disappointing the UK by reneging on her promise to head to America if Donald Trump won the election, Katie Hopkins takes a small break from her day job (showing orphans what they would have been getting for Christmas if they had parents) to go head-to-head with Jeremy Hunt.  The scourge of the NHS and a man for whom rhyming slang had surely been waiting all these years, Hunt could well lose out simply by being marginally less publicity hungry than his opponent. No medics will be available for this match.

Hopkins 52% – 48% Hunt

Iain Duncan Smith vs Louise Mensch

Since flouncing out of office after deciding the government’s welfare cuts had gone too far, their chief architect and aspiring hypocrite, Iain Duncan Smith, has mostly been busy championing Brexit, which is shorthand for ‘being a massively irritating bellend’. His opponent in this fixture is Louise Mensch, the Twitter gift that keeps on giving, who thought Leonard Cohen was American, Charlie Hebdo was a person and her virulent opinions were relevant.

IDS 56% – 44% Mensch

If you don’t follow Oonagh, you are seriously failing at Twitter! Right this wrong Immediately! @Okeating

paulauntie

Guest predictions: How did Paul Auntie do?

We asked founder of the Social Inclusion Football League Paul Auntie to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Philip Hammond vs Tony Blair

Auntie’s prediction: Hammond 16% – 84% Blair

Correct score: Hammond 37% – 63% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Richard Littejohn

Auntie’s prediction: Mensch 52% – 48% Littlejohn

Correct score: Mensch 54% – 46% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Boris Johnson vs Katie Hopkins

Auntie’s prediction: Johnson 39% – 61% Hopkins

Correct score: Johnson 32% – 68% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Auntie’s prediction: Ashley 24% – 76% MacKenzie

Correct score: Ashley 21% – 79% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Rebekah Brooks

Auntie’s prediction: Hunt 60% – 40% Brooks

Correct score: Hunt 70% – 30% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Toby Young

Auntie’s prediction: Murdoch 85% – 15% Young

Correct score: Murdoch 87% – 13% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Liam Fox vs Melanie Phillips

Auntie’s prediction: Fox 65% – 35% Phillips

Correct score: Fox 79% – 21% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Nigel Farage

Auntie’s prediction: Dacre 32% – 68% Farage

Correct score: Dacre 38% – 68% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Michael Gove

Auntie’s prediction: Morgan 57% – 43% Gove

Correct score: Morgan 41% – 59% Gove

Nil points

Theresa May vs Iain Duncan Smith

Auntie’s prediction: May 49% – 51% IDS

Correct score: May 46% – 54% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Paul Auntie scores 53!

You can follow Paul on Twitter here, The Social Inclusion Football League on Twitter here, and read about the amazing work they do here

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Paul Auntie 53

4. Jason Spacey 48

5. Summer Ray 46

6. The Sun Apologies 41

7. Jim Smallman 37

7. Sir Michael 37

8. Professor Jack Darcy 35

9. Doc Hackenbush 32

10. Tiernan Douieb 24

paulauntie

Week 11 Predictions: Paul Auntie

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, founder of the Social Inclusion Football League Paul Auntie guides you through the weekend’s fixtures.

Philip Hammond vs Tony Blair

Not seen much of these two in action this season so I can only go on recent results. Philip Hammond, I think, was responsible for the organ sound of such luminaries as The Prisoners and the James Taylor Quartet. I can only assume he has made it into the APL because Stereolab championed the Moog. Tony Blair, so legend has it, brought the Labour Party to power and then declared war on the world. Still, it meant his wife Una Stubbs could tell Tony’s Brother Lionel to fuck off without fear of retribution.

Hammond 16% – 84% Blair

Louise Mensch vs Richard Littejohn

Louise Mensch is so right wing she was once signed by Harry Rednapp when he was in charge of QPR. Unfortunately her debut only lasted 2 minutes after she complained to the bench that the hoops on her jersey made her look fat on the telly. Stupid bitch. Let’s get this straight, because I know you’re all thinking it. Richard Littlejohn was not in the Communards… No, Richard is the jowly journo from the Daily Mail. A paper so right wing it has moved its offices to Devon. Winner takes all…

Mensch 52% – 48% Littlejohn

Boris Johnson vs Katie Hopkins

Everyone’s favourite children’s entertainer Boris Johnson currently sits in mid-table. A lack of consistency has been his downfall so far this season as lapses in concentration have left him in bongo land. Silly Boris. Whilst the Stork that delivered Katie Hopkins is yet to get an audience with the Parole Board at the Middlesbrough Wildlife Penitentiary, the gobby Sugarette will surely prove too strong for Boris in a clash that has been sponsored by Durex.

Johnson 39% – 61% Hopkins

Mike Ashley vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Newcastle Utd owner and human trafficker Mike Ashley had no idea he was playing this weekend when I phoned him during the week. But he did offer me a half-price blood-stained tracksuit in lime green…which I politely declined. Once upon a time Kelvin MacKenzie was born and was instantly the apple of his Mothers eye. He made funny little gurgling noises and all the nurses laughed and cooed. He was so cute. What happened Kelvin? What the fuck happened to you? You disgusting piece of shit.

Auntie’s NAP Ashley 24% – 76% MacKenzie

Jeremy Hunt vs Rebekah Brooks

Immortalised in Cockney rhyming slang, Jeremy Hunt has stated that he is keen for this fixture to go ahead but admits it may get cancelled at the last minute. When I asked him to elaborate on this over a Merlot at a Travel Lodge on the A1, Jeremy declined to answer simply saying that we were now out of ‘normal hours’. “But it’s a Saturday Jeremy, it’s a Saturday!” I slurred. Rebekah Brooks was once married to Grant Mitchell.

Hunt 60% – 40% Brooks

Rupert Murdoch vs Toby Young

Rupert Murdoch is running away with the APL title and I can’t see anyone catching him. Which is ironic considering The S** reported him dead a few years ago. Christened Keith, this Antipodean has everything including Supermodel Jerry Hall. But is he happy? Yeah, whatever. In answer to Toby Young’s question “Would a middle-aged man who’s just had a heart attack really be declared ‘fit for work’?” Yes Toby. Yes he would. That’s your Arsehole criteria met right there. Eject that Best of M People CD, leave your des res and smell the cheap coffee you eternal loser.

Murdoch 85% – 15% Young

Liam Fox vs Melanie Phillips

Dr Fox was arrested on 30th September 2014 at Magic FM…oh, hang on. Serial Tory Leadership candidate Liam Fox was arrested at…Oh well, why not? Bloody Tories…I’m running out of steam here. Melanie Phillips. Who the hell is Melanie Phillips? Oh okay, a Liberal who has been mugged by reality. Clearly both Arseholes. I’ll go for Foxy as he needs all the support he can get post-Brexit.

Fox 65% – 35% Phillips

Paul Dacre vs Nigel Farage

This is the weekend’s big derby. The battle of middle England, fought in the swathing country estates where the Grouse wear ear muffs in their bunkers and Dacre and Farage dance around a Maypole spilling their jugs of Real Ale. Hurrah! Unfortunately, Paul Dacre remains triumphant following his Brexit campaign as he hypnotises Daily Mail readers via remote control and the occasional reader offer of free AA road maps.

Nigel Farage meanwhile is a bloke’s bloke. Booze, fags, birds. Yeah, what a bloke! Except he’s a middle-class tosser who can’t tell the time. You got the booze, fags and birds right but it’s the 21st century Nige, 21st century…

Dacre 32% – 68% Farage

Piers Morgan vs Michael Gove

Michael Gove has the poshest lips I have ever seen. They simply glisten and pout as droplets of spittle dance merrily to his posh boy rhetoric. Currently in rehab for wanting to give Angela Merkel one, Michael has been given special dispensation to honour this fixture. The sexy beast. Whether he’ll come away with all 3 points is another thing though. With home advantage Piers Morgan is no pushover. The Gooner from, erm, Sussex is a thoroughbred at spouting shit. It’s a tough call this one but I’m going for a Piers win because I want a quiet life and he said he’d introduce me to Susanna Reid.

Morgan 57% – 43% Gove

Theresa May vs Iain Duncan Smith

Uber-chick Theresa May text me this morning to ask if I could mention her stylish footwear as Jimmy Choo was looking to personally sponsor this fixture. I had to let her down as Iain Duncan Smith had already secured the services of Wynsors. Because Iain cares he felt Wynsors shoes were priced fairly for hard-working families although he did apologise if you have lost your feet and Atos deemed you fit to walk 200m unaided. He really does care y’know.

May 49% – 51% Duncan Smith

You can follow Paul on Twitter here, The Social Inclusion Football League on Twitter here, and read about the amazing work they do here

jspacey

Guest Predictions: How did Jason Spacey do?

We asked Jason Spacey to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Tony Blair vs Rupert Murdoch

Spacey’s prediction: Tony Blair 29% -71% Rupert Murdoch

Correct score: Tony Blair 19% -81% Rupert Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael Gove vs Louise Mensch

Spacey’s prediction: Gove 67% – 33% Mensch

Correct score: Gove 69% – 31% Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Katie Hopkins vs Philip Hammond

Spacey’s prediction: Hopkins 89% – 11% Hammond

Correct score: Hopkins 95% – 5% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Theresa May

Spacey’s prediction: Young 37% – 63% May

Correct score: Young 49% – 51% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Liam Fox

Spacey’s prediction: Farage 76% – 24% Fox

Correct score: Farage 83% – 17% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Paul Dacre

Spacey’s prediction: Littlejohn 35% – 65% Dacre

Correct score: Littlejohn 38% – 62% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Mike Ashley

Spacey’s prediction: Brooks 57% – 43% Ashley

Correct score: Brooks 72% – 28% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Piers Morgan

Spacey’s prediction: MacKenzie 66% – 34% Morgan

Correct score: MacKenzie 58% – 42% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Melanie Phillips vs Jeremy Hunt

Spacey’s prediction: Phillips 21% – 79% Hunt

Correct score: Phillips 12% – 88% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Boris Johnson

Spacey’s prediction: IDS 52% – 48% Johnson

Correct score: IDS 48% – 52% Johnson

nil points

Spacey scores 48 points!

You can follow Jason Spacey on Twitter here.

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Jason Spacey 48

4. Summer Ray 46

5. The Sun Apologies 41

6. Jim Smallman 37

6. Sir Michael 37

7. Professor Jack Darcy 35

8. Doc Hackenbush 32

9. Tiernan Douieb 24