Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, musical comedian and sexual ethicist Professor Jack Darcy runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Jeremy Hunt vs Theresa May
These truly are the end of times, the ice caps are melting, the third world war is raging in the middle east and the Tories have privatised Bake Off. Grim stuff, so let’s distract ourselves with yet more bread and circuses entertainment. The Arsehole Premier League.
First up, the man in charge of privatising the NHS vs. the woman in charge of destroying the British economy. We’re all going to die in the war with Russia anyway, so does it matter?
As a massive Arsehole myself, I’m disappointed to see the reanimated corpse of Margaret Thatcher being so honest about her plans to create an econopocalypse. Whereas Hunt is cunningly hiding behind weekend mortality rates to privatise the NHS by the backdoor. Wha, yeah!, c’mon, yeah, yeah, c’mon, yeah, I’m a back door man, I’m a back door man.
Hunt: 58% May: 42%
Rupert Murdoch vs Piers Morgan
Illuminati shill, Rupert Murdoch, was given the UK as a plaything to thank him for his crimes against humanity.
News Corp isn’t just tits and misinformation, it’s a constant reminder to our Lizard overlords that humans are their bewildered prey. That they sit perched upon our chest, just out of sight, crushing the breath from our lungs…an incomprehensible evil…the shot in the back of the head…the bullet that arrives before the awareness…and all is darkness…all is suffering…forever and ever…all hail Ra the sun god, may he forever reign.
Whereas, ex-editor of the sun, Pierce Morgan, is but one head of the hydra and of course he really let himself down when he did that nice bit about American gun control. Must try harder.
Murdoch:73% Morgan: 27%
Philip Hammond vs Liam Fox
Osborne said he was going to fix the roof while the sun was shining. Hammond’s plan seems to be to mop the floor in the rain.
I was a big fan of the CamBorne project. The nation was rolling around in it’s own blood. There had been a hit and run. An out of control financial services vehicle was somehow tangentially involved, but not ultimately responsible (banks will be banks).
No, the main reason that everyone had been crushed was that Gordon Brown had spent far too much money on teachers, nurses and the emergency services. Without which we all would have grown an Adamantium exoskeleton and would have been impervious to injury.
Thus they convinced the idiot masses that dismantling the welfare state would fix the economy, whilst simultaneously doubling the national debt on other things that we could somehow mysteriously afford…It sometimes makes me convulse with joy!
The fact that Hammond is about to reinstate much of Brown’s borrowing agenda, thwart Osborne’s deficit reduction plan AND further deepen public sector austerity, makes we want to collapse like a Momentum anti-semitism training session.
Fox once said: “I’m actually quite liberal when it comes to sexual matters. I just don’t want the gays flaunting it in front of me”.
Shoot them all and let Cthulhu decide.
Philip Hammond: 83% Liam Fox: 17%
Boris Johnson vs Rebekah Brooks
Weaponised Beanie Baby Boris Johnson this week called for The Stop The War Coalition to protest outside the Russian Embassy. Classic arsehole. If they do, then they tacitly support the UK war effort in Syria, if they don’t they look like anti-British Pinko scum.
Chris Nineham from STW elected to go for the second option and then exceeded the brief during a car crash interview on the Today programme ending with a call to “oppose the West”.
If only Boris’ plan to lose the referendum had gone as well, he’d now be our Prime Minister. But as it turns out he’s crippled an entire generation and gets to sit back and chillax in the Foreign Office roasting commie sympathisers. Top marks.
Ross Kemp’s ex-wife Rebekah Brooks offered a plea of incompetence during the hacking scandal, which was merrily accepted by the jury. But as they say, the bigger the arsehole, the less shit that sticks to it.
Boris: 80% Brooks: 20%
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Tony Blair
Our next head of the Hydra (I’m seeing a arsehole shaped pattern emerge here), ex-editor of the sun, Kelvin McKenzie, glorified the sinking of the Belgrano, demonised the victims of the Hillsborough disaster and completely made up a story about Freddie Star eating his girlfriend’s hamster in a sandwich.
In MacKenzie’s own words he had a “positively downhill effect on journalism” and for this we salute you. For the truth has a liberal bias and as such should be put on a ship…and we should set the controls for the heart of the Sun.
Blair recently seemed to suggest he might make a comeback to British politics. Jeremy Corbyn is quite clearly a Russian sleeper agent sent to destabilise the UK. First throw the referendum, then help Scotland leave the union, get rid of our nukes, Russia invades Eastern Europe and before we know it London looks like downtown Aleppo…and standing on top of the ashes, the newly anointed President Blair. My money’s on it all being Blair’s idea. Good work.
MacKenzie: 50% Blair: 50%
Iain Duncan Smith vs Toby Young
I once spent a very unpleasant afternoon reading Toby Young’s autobiography, ‘How to lose friends and alienate people’. I have never uttered the phrase ‘smarmy cunt’ with such shrill admiration…Until that is I watched Ian Duncan Smith explain his resignation from Cameron’s cabinet over (his own) planned cuts to disability benefits.
The duplicitous self-serving cockpiece was obviously positioning himself to be the No. 2 in Johnson’s post-brexit shitfest of a government…Sorry IDS, the arsehole is mightier than the stool. Or as Murdoch c/o Michael Gove once said to Boris Johnson…“Live by the arsehole, die by the arsehole”.
IDS: 52% Young: 48%
Richard Littlejohn vs Mike Ashley
As I’m not a fan of the lobotomising effect of reading The Daily Mail on a regular basis, Richard Littlejohn isn’t really on my radar. Wikipedia tells me he once said on his radio show that the police should have used flamethrowers against a group of “militant homosexuals”. I’ve always been a fan of bringing back hanging, although only for Daily Mail journalists. One due for relegation perhaps…
Mike Ashley is the living embodiment of Harry Enfield’s loathsome character ‘Loadsamoney’. While I scarcely have sympathy for the poor proletarians trapped in the cycle of low wages and job insecurity coshed upon them in his Dickensian workhouses/warehouses…I do however believe that clothes maketh the man.
Sportswear and it’s proliferation should be retained for the cricket pitch and should certainly never have writing on it. Writing goes in books. The words ‘Mike’ and ‘Ashley’ go in that book, ensconced in an anatomically correct depiction of an arsehole. You have my contempt sir…and for that you have my praise.
Littlejohn: 15% Ashley: 85%
Katie Hopkins vs Nigel Farage
As far as arseholes go, millionaire man of the people Nigel Farage is a rimjob in human form. The Lenin of the Pale Male Stale revolution is singlehandedly responsible for politicising the asses and making the UK leave the European Union.
He is the ultimate First World Problem: a demagogue marshalling an ageing population to protect its vested interests at the expense of the prosperity of their children and grandchildren.
These truly are the end of times and Farage is become death the destroyer of worlds (also see: Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen, et al.). What’s not to like?
Whereas Katie Hopkins is just a nasty spiteful little cunt. Good effort though!
Hopkins: 10% Farage: 90%
Melanie Phillips vs Louise Mensch
Chick lit author and ex-Conservative MP (there’s some serious cognitive dissonance going on in that sentence), Louise Mensch, can hardly be ranked next to the likes of Murdoch and Nigel Farage. I mean she wants to bring back fox hunting, imagine all the joy that would bring to rural communities.
Churchill once said, “If you are not a liberal at 25, you have no heart. If you are not a conservative at 35 you have no brain”. Whereas Melanie Phillips describes her left to right shift (Guardian, Daily Mail, The Times) as a liberal who has “been mugged by reality”. What a prick. Perhaps reality took her good sense as well, climate change denier, proponent of the fraudulent MMR Vaccine controversy, UKIP fangirl, defender of Trump, defamer of Obama, 2011 Stonewall Bigot Of The Year. This woman is a nexus of wrongheaded areseholedness and deserves top marks. Good work, keep it up.
Phillips : 75% Mensch: 25%
Paul Dacre vs Michael Gove
Professor Jack Darcy is a musical comedian and sexual ethicist. He presents ‘Apocalypse Live’ and has a late night love and relationships show on Tory FM. He is currently working on his first Edinburgh show Funnylingus: The Last March of The Patriarchy. He is an A* arsehole. You can follow him here, here and here. You can also sign up to his mailing list here.