Month: October 2016

Week 10 Predictions: Jason Spacey

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, founder of the Arsehole Premier League Jason Spacey begrudgingly stumbles through the weekend’s fixtures

Tony Blair vs Rupert Murdoch

Ignoring the genocide and crimes against peace and humanity, Tony Blair was a very successful Labour prime minister. Having said that, if you ignore all the murdering, Peter Sutcliffe was a successful lorry driver.

In a year when so many loved and respected celebrities have died, nothing quite sums up the shitness of 2016 better than Rupert Murdoch marrying a former supermodel and declaring himself to be “the happiest man in the world”.

Murdoch’s won nine on the bounce, and there’s no way Blair’s got enough to stop him.

Tony Blair 29% -71% Rupert Murdoch

Michael Gove vs Louise Mensch

Anti-establishment truth wizard Michael Gove spent much of the Leave campaign railing against the elite and standing up for ordinary hardworking people. He would tirelessly hunt down dissenting experts and rubbish their fact-based Nazi heresy. When he’d finished, he’d pop round to the home of non-establishment, anti-elite, media baron Rupert Murdoch to celebrate with lashings of peasant food….actually no, wait, that should read ‘celebrate by lashing some peasants’.

Louise Mensch is so stupid that she could lose an argument with an empty room. She possesses the extraordinary ability of being able to suffer the most toe-curling humiliation imaginable and then carry on as if nothing has happened. To be fair, I’ve got to give her credit for that.

Gove’s overall gitness will win through.

Gove 67% – 33% Mensch

Katie Hopkins vs Philip Hammond

Katie Hopkins’ website claims that she’s on the side of people who strive to succeed. I did look but I couldn’t see the disclaimer stating it doesn’t include people striving to successfully avoid war. Weird that.

I think Philip Hammond’s lowly league position is down to not having carried out his first budget. Apparently he’s facing an £84bn black hole in public finances. Call me cynical, but I’m fairly certain it won’t be Miriam and Monty in Cobham picking up the tab.

I’m certain Hammond will turn his form around, but that won’t start with this game.

Hopkins 89% – 11% Hammond

Toby Young vs Theresa May

Theresa May says Brexit means Brexit. Judging by her first few months in charge, it would also appear that arse means elbow. It’s been a slow start to the season for May, but I predict a top six finish, and the winning run starts here against rent-a-twat Toby Young. Young is pointless and only attended his own stag night to make up the numbers.

Young 37% – 63% May

Nigel Farage vs Liam Fox

For my money, Nigel Farage is the biggest arsehole in this competition. Any suggestion that he in some way represents ordinary people or gives a flying fuck about anyone but himself is laughable. He is a liar, a fraud and he wears yellow cords.

Liam Fox being anywhere near a position of power is just crazy. Ordinarily, being sacked in disgrace would spell the end of a career, and yet he’s been given a key Brexit role. Making him Secretary of State for International Trade is a bit like making Boris Johnson foreign secretary. Oh, wait…

Farage 76% – 24% Fox

Richard Littlejohn vs Paul Dacre

Littlejohn’s inclusion in this league has proved controversial after lexicographers revealed they have been unable to find a word to describe him that isn’t ‘cunt’. You couldn’t make it up!

Paul Dacre is the driver of the outrage bus. His passengers have a deep-seated resentment of the poor, a hatred of things they don’t understand and permanently enabled Caps Locks keys.

Littlejohn 35% – 65% Dacre

Rebekah Brooks vs Mike Ashley

Snake-haired harridan Rebekah Brooks resigned from the News of the World following phone hacking allegations. As an additional punishment she received a £10m pay-off before being reappointed as CEO of News UK. That’ll teach her!

Mike Ashley delighted his workers during a recent visit to his Shirebrook warehouse by pulling out a wad of £50 notes. Ashley joked that he’d just been to a casino, causing all that were gathered to laugh uproariously before hoisting him on their shoulders and declaring him the most brilliant boss ever.

Brooks 57% – 43% Ashley

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Piers Morgan

I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly reasonable. I don’t wish harm on people and I try to do the right thing. However, if Kelvin MacKenzie fell face-first into a deep fat fryer before stumbling backwards under a bus I’d fucking piss myself.

Before Robin Van Persie moved from Arsenal to Man United, Piers Morgan stated that if the transfer went through he would throw himself of Santa Monica pier. It’s believed this promise was a motivating factor in the Dutchman’s move.

MacKenzie 66% – 34% Morgan

Melanie Phillips vs Jeremy Hunt

Phillips is one of the ‘Won’t someone think of the children!’ brigade apart from when it comes to climate change, then the little twats can fuck off and stop moaning.

Hunt has been accused by experts of producing plans that contain “serious flaws” and are “totally uncosted”, seriously damaging morale in the NHS, risking patient safety and misusing his statistics. Some would say his NHS plans are doomed to fail. I’d suggest they’re designed to fail.

Phillips 21% – 79% Hunt

Iain Duncan Smith vs Boris Johnson

People knock Iain Duncan Smith, but he’s lifted a lot of people out of poverty. Admittedly he’s placed them into mortuaries, but it’s the stats that count. The Centre for Social Justice sounds like a worthy thing until you discover that Iain Duncan Smith is chair, and then suddenly it sounds very sinister.

Boris Johnson is officially recognised as the UK’s largest baby. He’s spent the majority of his political career turning up late to things, going on holiday, offending people, comparing the EU to Hitler and disagreeing with himself. Some people think he’s entertaining, but I think he possesses all the appeal of an obese labrador eating a tramp’s sick from a discarded kebab tray.

It’s going to be close but IDS will shade it.

IDS 52% – 48% Johnson

 

You can follow Jason Spacey on Twitter here.

Guest Predictions: How did Doc Hackenbush do?

We asked Doc Hackenbush to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Phillip Hammond vs. Toby Young

Doc’s prediction: Hammond 38% – 62% Young

Correct score: Hammond 33% – 67% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs. Katie Hopkins

Doc’s prediction: Murdoch 71% – 29% Hopkins

Correct score: Murdoch 63% – 37% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs. Rebekah Brooks

Doc’s prediction: Mensch 58% – 42% Brooks

Correct score: Mensch 47% – 53% Brooks

Nil points

Liam Fox vs. Kelvin MacKenzie

Doc’s prediction: Fox 27% – 73% MacKenzie

Correct score: Fox 27% – 73% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the Money bonus: 10 points

Theresa May vs. Richard Littlejohn

Doc’s prediction: May 69% – 31% Littlejohn

Correct score:  May 49% – 51% Littlejohn

Nil points

Piers Morgan vs. Nigel Farage

Doc’s prediction: Morgan 50% – 50% Farage

Correct score: Morgan 28% – 72% Farage

Nil points

Mike Ashley vs. Tony Blair

Doc’s prediction: Ashley 15%- 85% Blair

Correct score:  Ashley 50% – 50% Blair

Nil points

Paul Dacre vs. Iain Duncan Smith

Doc’s prediction: Dacre 59% – 41%  IDS

Correct score: Dacre 47% – 53% IDS

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs. Melanie Phillips

Doc’s prediction: Johnson 82% – 18% Phillips

Correct score:  Johnson 79% – 21% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Jeremy Hunt vs. Michael Gove

Doc’s prediction: Hunt 36% – 64% Gove

Correct score: Hunt 55% – 45% Gove

Nil points

Doc scores 32 points!

You can follow Doc Hackenbush on Twitter here. You can also check out his amazing work at Redbubble.com and shotdeadinthehead.com

Predictions League Standings

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Summer Ray 46

4. The Sun Apologies 41

5. Jim Smallman 37

5. Sir Michael 37

6. Professor Jack Darcy 35

7. Doc Hackenbush 32

8. Tiernan Douieb 24

Week 9 Predictions: Doc Hackenbush

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, cartoonist and illustrator Doc Hackenbush runs through the weekend’s fixtures

Phillip Hammond vs. Toby Young

Even taking into account Toby’s position as one of the country’s leading arseholes, he has had some tough match ups this season, having been pitted against Iain Duncan Smith, a man so utterly devoid of human empathy he failed the Turing Test on six successive occasions, and Boris “Total Ledge, LOL” Johnson, still on a roll after the triple-whammy of spearheading a Brexit campaign he hadn’t prepared to win, his hilariously doomed leadership bid and his subsequent inexplicable appointment as foreign secretary. Despite these previous thrashings, I’m confident the Toadmeister (nope, still can’t say it out loud without cringing my skin off) can finally pull off a win by virtue of being up against Phillip Hammond, who despite apparently being chancellor of the exchequer, nobody really knows who he is and therefore might scrape up some leftover goodwill left lying around by people who ‘used to really like him when he was on Top Gear’. Hammond hasn’t been in his job long enough to engender the kind of white-hot hatred his predecessor was showered with on a regular basis, and this is where Young should capitalise if he really wants to bring home the win.

Hammond 38% Young 62%

Rupert Murdoch vs. Katie Hopkins

You have to hand it to Katie Hopkins, in just a few short years she managed to go from being a toxic, hate-fuelled sack of human garbage on a reality TV show, to being a toxic, hatefuelled sack of human garbage with a national newspaper column, pausing briefly to be a toxic, hate-fuelled sack of human garbage who ate a kangaroo’s anus on a reality TV show. You can’t say she isn’t multi-faceted. Katie, who list her hobbies as ‘kitten mangling’, ‘stubbing lit cigarettes out on toddlers faces’ and ‘birthing opinion turds from her face-anus for money’ is the sort of person for whom empathy is a place where Chris Eubank goes to sort out his visa application before travelling abroad. Her commitment to shittiness is such that when some US states ran out of the chemical cocktails used to perform lethal injections, she volunteered to personally travel to America and execute the prisoners herself by unhooking her jaw and devouring them whole like some unholy python made of pure spite. And yet…

Her opponent is Rupert fucking Murdoch. A malevolent entity of unspeakable horror in an increasingly baggy and ill-fitting skin suit, who at his merest whim can unleash a veritable horde of Katie Hopkinses across his global media empire, dripping vitriol from every paragraph, extinguishing all hope in human goodness like a cheap lighter in a hurricane. She may be a particularly sadistic stormtrooper, but he owns the fucking Death Star.
Murdoch 71% Hopkins 29%

Louise Mensch vs. Rebekah Brooks

At first glance, this looks like a tough call. Both women are known for writing cringeinducing fiction; Mensch as author of a collection of piss-poor ‘chick-lit’ novels, Brooks as editor of the News of the World and The Sun. Both had a public fall from grace. Both women can climb inside Rupert Murdoch’s colon in under four seconds from a standing start. Look a little closer however, and the differences become more pronounced. For the most part, Brooks has taken a low-profile approach to cuntishness, operating covertly, filtering her worst aspects through the mouthpiece of whichever future litterbox liner she was editing at the time. Mensch, by contrast, decided to take her dipshittery public. At any given moment you can find her on social media bullying teenage girls, mistaking her own search history for evidence of anti-semitism among Labour Party supporters, getting into Twitter spats with people far more knowledgeable than herself (i.e.:everybody), playing at journalism with her sub-Breitbart ‘news’ website Heat Street, and generally hosing anyone who gets close enough with a near-constant stream of rancid opinions. Mensch wins this one due to visibility.

Mensch 58% Brooks 42%

Liam Fox vs. Kelvin MacKenzie

There’s a case to be made that Kelvin MacKenzie is one of the most odious wastes of flesh and organs in the country and nobody makes this case quite as convincingly as MacKenzie himself. To listen to the man speak is akin to being buried up to your neck in raw sewage and having to eat your way to freedom. To read his writings is as enjoyable as being dragged behind an incontinent, racist elephant as it stampedes through an abattoir. Liam “Disgraced Former Minister Liam Fox” Fox is mainly known for leaving classified government documents in a park bin, breaching national security by allowing his mate to tag along to secret meetings and advocating a Brexit so hard and fast it would give Kenneth Williams an innuendo-induced aneurysm. That said he’s never, to my knowledge, perpetuated a monstrous 27 year lie that debased the memory of 96 innocent football fans who died in a tragic and preventable accident either, so this one has to be a win for Kelvin and a loss for the rest of us because he’s still breathing.

Fox 27% MacKenzie 73%

Theresa May vs. Richard Littlejohn

Theresa should walk this as she’s Prime Minister now and has the power to inflict her own brand of kitten-heeled fascism upon millions of people up and down the country, while Penis Tinypenis…SORRY, Richard Littlejohn is a fat, washed up hack sat at his computer in his gated Florida compound, crywanking because nobody really listens to or takes him seriously anymore.

May 69% Littlejohn 31%

Piers Morgan vs. Nigel Farage

[Dreamy thousand yard stare] Wha…oh sorry, I was just reading the title of this entry and imagining Piers and Nigel actually engaged in a battle to the death with knives and spears and pointy sticks and stuff. It was lovely. Watching two of the most loathsome wanknuggets of this or any other century tearing chunks out of each other’s repulsive carcasses with an assortment of hellish instruments of pain is just… Sorry, I drifted off again. Do I have to pick a winner? I mean, as long as they’re both hurt, yeah? What? It’s not actually a battle to the death? Well that’s disappointing.

Morgan 50% Farage 50%

Mike Ashley vs. Tony Blair

Like the smell of a rotting corpse in the boot of your car or an annoying waiter who keeps popping up, mid-mouthful, to ask if you’re enjoying your meal, Tony Blair just won’t fucking go away. Just when you think his dead-eyed rictus grin has assaulted your eyes for the last time, up he bloody pops; usually from under the byline of some Guardian article headlined “Blair: Why the Labour Party Needs To [insert the last goddamn thing you want them to do] To Survive”. He’s like political herpes. I’ll level with you, prior to writing this I had no idea who Mike Ashley was. A quick Google and I learn that he owns Sports Direct, a retailer that treats its employees with the sort of care and respect you might expect from a workhouse owner in a Charles Dickens novel. His Wikipedia entry also mentions that he is highly reclusive, at one point quoting someone referring to him as ‘the British Howard Hughes’. Whether this means he also has ten inch fingernails and stockpiles jars of his own piss is not a matter of public record. Still, no matter how shitty an employer he is, he hasn’t started any major wars, nor does he have the blood of millions on his hands. Hooray for Tony!

Ashley 15% Blair 85%

Paul Dacre vs. Iain Duncan Smith

Gaaaaahhh! This is too difficult! Trying to pick the biggest arsehole from these two is like saying “Hmmm, should I inject this cocktail of bleach, pig excrement and battery acid into my left eyeball or my right eyeball?” and then you inject it into both eyeballs because you hate everything SO MUCH and you just want the pain to stop.
I reckon Dacre will just edge it because unlike IDS he’s still in his job and doesn’t look like
he’s fucking off anytime soon and so the circus of hate will go on and on and on and oh god
MAKE IT STOP.

Dacre 59% Duncan Smith 41%

Boris Johnson vs. Melanie Phillips

Boris Johnson with his hair like a toilet brush somebody set fire to and then discarded in a puddle of bleach. With his racist remarks about ‘picaninnies’ with ‘watermelon smiles’. With his bumbling ‘Gosh! Crikey!’ persona that masks a cold ambition far outstripping his meagre abilities. He’s got this one in the bag. I mean, when was the last time you got annoyed at something Melanie Phillips said or did? A long time ago. She doesn’t have the platform she used to, aside from the occasional appearance in The Cunt Chair on Question Time, so opportunities to make our collective shit itch are rare these days. Whereas Boris is inescapable. And as foreign secretary, the whole world is finally able to witness how there isn’t a single situation that this mop-topped fart balloon cannot make eleventy billion times worse.

Johnson 82% Phillips 18%

Jeremy Hunt vs. Michael Gove

Y’know I could make this decision based on the acres of dumb/incompetent/evil things both of these terrible shitehawks have done in their turd-festooned careers. It wouldn’t be hard – Gove’s key role in leading us all over the Brexit cliff would be enough on its own without even considering his tenure as education secretary. Jeremy Hunt is doing everything in his power to destroy the NHS, he’s loathed by pretty much every medical professional in the country, he’s a human analogue of those wind powered arm-flailing tube men you see on the forecourt of shady used car dealerships; he can’t even operate a bell properly, but I’m going to give this one to Gove purely on the strength of that infamous tweet where the chinless guffcloud called Mrs. Brown’s Boys ‘genius’. There’s no going back from something like that.

Hunt 36% Gove 64%

You can follow Doc Hackenbush on Twitter here. You can also check out his amazing work at Redbubble.com and shotdeadinthehead.com

Guest Predictions: How did Professor Jack Darcy do?

We asked Professor Jack Darcy to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Jeremy Hunt vs Theresa May

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Hunt  58% – 42% May

Correct Score: Hunt 64% – 36% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Piers Morgan

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Murdoch 73% – 27% Morgan

Correct Score: Murdoch 73% – 27% Morgan

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang-on-the-money bonus: 10 points

Philip Hammond vs Liam Fox

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Philip Hammond  83%- 17% Liam Fox

Correct Score: Hammond 19% – 81% Fox

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Rebekah Brooks

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Boris  80% – 20% Brooks

Correct Score: Boris 64% – 36% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Tony Blair

Professor Darcy’s prediction: MacKenzie 50%- 50% Blair

Correct Score: MacKenzie 67% – 33% Blair

Nil points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Toby Young

Professor Darcy’s prediction: IDS 52% – 48% Young

Correct Score: IDS 80% – 20% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Mike Ashley

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Littlejohn 15% – 85% Ashley

Correct Score: Littlejohn 61% – 39% Ashley

Nil points

Katie Hopkins vs Nigel Farage

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Hopkins 10% – 90% Farage

Correct Score: Hopkins 53% – 47% Farage

Nil points

Melanie Phillips vs Louise Mensch

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Phillips 75% – 25% Mensch

Correct Score: Phillips 20% – 80% Mensch

Nil points

Paul Dacre vs Michael Gove

Professor Darcy’s prediction: Dacre 48% – 52 Gove

Correct Score: Dacre 41% – 59% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Professor Jack Darcy scores 35 points

Predictions league standings:

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Summer Ray 46

4. The Sun Apologies 41

5. Jim Smallman 37

5. Sir Michael 37

6. Professor Jack Darcy 35

7. Tiernan Douieb 24


Professor Jack Darcy is a musical comedian and sexual ethicist. He presents ‘Apocalypse Live’ and has a late night love and relationships show on Tory FM. He is currently working on his first Edinburgh show Funnylingus: The Last March of The Patriarchy. He is an A* arsehole. You can follow him here, here and here. You can also sign up to his mailing list here.

Week 8 Predictions: Professor Jack Darcy

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, musical comedian and sexual ethicist Professor Jack Darcy runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Jeremy Hunt vs Theresa May

These truly are the end of times, the ice caps are melting, the third world war is raging in the middle east and the Tories have privatised Bake Off. Grim stuff, so let’s distract ourselves with yet more bread and circuses entertainment. The Arsehole Premier League.

First up, the man in charge of privatising the NHS vs. the woman in charge of destroying the British economy. We’re all going to die in the war with Russia anyway, so does it matter?

As a massive Arsehole myself, I’m disappointed to see the reanimated corpse of Margaret Thatcher being so honest about her plans to create an econopocalypse. Whereas Hunt is cunningly hiding behind weekend mortality rates to privatise the NHS by the backdoor. Wha, yeah!, c’mon, yeah, yeah, c’mon, yeah, I’m a back door man, I’m a back door man.

Hunt: 58% May: 42%

Rupert Murdoch vs Piers Morgan

Illuminati shill, Rupert Murdoch, was given the UK as a plaything to thank him for his crimes against humanity.

News Corp isn’t just tits and misinformation, it’s a constant reminder to our Lizard overlords that humans are their bewildered prey. That they sit perched upon our chest, just out of sight, crushing the breath from our lungs…an incomprehensible evil…the shot in the back of the head…the bullet that arrives before the awareness…and all is darkness…all is suffering…forever and ever…all hail Ra the sun god, may he forever reign.

Whereas, ex-editor of the sun, Pierce Morgan, is but one head of the hydra and of course he really let himself down when he did that nice bit about American gun control. Must try harder.

Murdoch:73% Morgan: 27%

Philip Hammond vs Liam Fox

Osborne said he was going to fix the roof while the sun was shining. Hammond’s plan seems to be to mop the floor in the rain.

I was a big fan of the CamBorne project. The nation was rolling around in it’s own blood. There had been a hit and run. An out of control financial services vehicle was somehow tangentially involved, but not ultimately responsible (banks will be banks).

No, the main reason that everyone had been crushed was that Gordon Brown had spent far too much money on teachers, nurses and the emergency services. Without which we all would have grown an Adamantium exoskeleton and would have been impervious to injury.

Thus they convinced the idiot masses that dismantling the welfare state would fix the economy, whilst simultaneously doubling the national debt on other things that we could somehow mysteriously afford…It sometimes makes me convulse with joy!

The fact that Hammond is about to reinstate much of Brown’s borrowing agenda, thwart Osborne’s deficit reduction plan AND further deepen public sector austerity, makes we want to collapse like a Momentum anti-semitism training session.

Fox once said: “I’m actually quite liberal when it comes to sexual matters. I just don’t want the gays flaunting it in front of me”.

Shoot them all and let Cthulhu decide.

Philip Hammond: 83% Liam Fox: 17%

Boris Johnson vs Rebekah Brooks

Weaponised Beanie Baby Boris Johnson this week called for The Stop The War Coalition to protest outside the Russian Embassy. Classic arsehole. If they do, then they tacitly support the UK war effort in Syria, if they don’t they look like anti-British Pinko scum.
Chris Nineham from STW elected to go for the second option and then exceeded the brief during a car crash interview on the Today programme ending with a call to “oppose the West”.

If only Boris’ plan to lose the referendum had gone as well, he’d now be our Prime Minister. But as it turns out he’s crippled an entire generation and gets to sit back and chillax in the Foreign Office roasting commie sympathisers. Top marks.

Ross Kemp’s ex-wife Rebekah Brooks offered a plea of incompetence during the hacking scandal, which was merrily accepted by the jury. But as they say, the bigger the arsehole, the less shit that sticks to it.

Boris: 80% Brooks: 20%

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Tony Blair

Our next head of the Hydra (I’m seeing a arsehole shaped pattern emerge here), ex-editor of the sun, Kelvin McKenzie, glorified the sinking of the Belgrano, demonised the victims of the Hillsborough disaster and completely made up a story about Freddie Star eating his girlfriend’s hamster in a sandwich.

In MacKenzie’s own words he had a “positively downhill effect on journalism” and for this we salute you. For the truth has a liberal bias and as such should be put on a ship…and we should set the controls for the heart of the Sun.

Blair recently seemed to suggest he might make a comeback to British politics. Jeremy Corbyn is quite clearly a Russian sleeper agent sent to destabilise the UK. First throw the referendum, then help Scotland leave the union, get rid of our nukes, Russia invades Eastern Europe and before we know it London looks like downtown Aleppo…and standing on top of the ashes, the newly anointed President Blair. My money’s on it all being Blair’s idea. Good work.

MacKenzie: 50% Blair: 50%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Toby Young

I once spent a very unpleasant afternoon reading Toby Young’s autobiography, ‘How to lose friends and alienate people’. I have never uttered the phrase ‘smarmy cunt’ with such shrill admiration…Until that is I watched Ian Duncan Smith explain his resignation from Cameron’s cabinet over (his own) planned cuts to disability benefits.

The duplicitous self-serving cockpiece was obviously positioning himself to be the No. 2 in Johnson’s post-brexit shitfest of a government…Sorry IDS, the arsehole is mightier than the stool. Or as Murdoch c/o Michael Gove once said to Boris Johnson…“Live by the arsehole, die by the arsehole”.

IDS: 52% Young: 48%

Richard Littlejohn vs Mike Ashley

As I’m not a fan of the lobotomising effect of reading The Daily Mail on a regular basis, Richard Littlejohn isn’t really on my radar. Wikipedia tells me he once said on his radio show that the police should have used flamethrowers against a group of “militant homosexuals”. I’ve always been a fan of bringing back hanging, although only for Daily Mail journalists. One due for relegation perhaps…

Mike Ashley is the living embodiment of Harry Enfield’s loathsome character ‘Loadsamoney’. While I scarcely have sympathy for the poor proletarians trapped in the cycle of low wages and job insecurity coshed upon them in his Dickensian workhouses/warehouses…I do however believe that clothes maketh the man.

Sportswear and it’s proliferation should be retained for the cricket pitch and should certainly never have writing on it. Writing goes in books. The words ‘Mike’ and ‘Ashley’ go in that book, ensconced in an anatomically correct depiction of an arsehole. You have my contempt sir…and for that you have my praise.

Littlejohn: 15% Ashley: 85%

Katie Hopkins vs Nigel Farage

As far as arseholes go, millionaire man of the people Nigel Farage is a rimjob in human form. The Lenin of the Pale Male Stale revolution is singlehandedly responsible for politicising the asses and making the UK leave the European Union.

He is the ultimate First World Problem: a demagogue marshalling an ageing population to protect its vested interests at the expense of the prosperity of their children and grandchildren.

These truly are the end of times and Farage is become death the destroyer of worlds (also see: Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen, et al.). What’s not to like?

Whereas Katie Hopkins is just a nasty spiteful little cunt. Good effort though!

Hopkins: 10% Farage: 90%

Melanie Phillips vs Louise Mensch

Chick lit author and ex-Conservative MP (there’s some serious cognitive dissonance going on in that sentence), Louise Mensch, can hardly be ranked next to the likes of Murdoch and Nigel Farage. I mean she wants to bring back fox hunting, imagine all the joy that would bring to rural communities.

Churchill once said, “If you are not a liberal at 25, you have no heart. If you are not a conservative at 35 you have no brain”. Whereas Melanie Phillips describes her left to right shift (Guardian, Daily Mail, The Times) as a liberal who has “been mugged by reality”. What a prick. Perhaps reality took her good sense as well, climate change denier, proponent of the fraudulent MMR Vaccine controversy, UKIP fangirl, defender of Trump, defamer of Obama, 2011 Stonewall Bigot Of The Year. This woman is a nexus of wrongheaded areseholedness and deserves top marks. Good work, keep it up.

Phillips : 75% Mensch: 25%

Paul Dacre vs Michael Gove

Murdoch shill, Michael Gove, vs. master of the titillation/moral-outrage one-two-job, Paul Dacre. Putting aside for a moment that they are two beings of questionable sentience, this is effectively a face-off between the The Sun and The Daily Mail.
In the nightmare yet to come, as we sleepwalk into the apocalypse, as Western civilisation crumbles and falls, these two crescent bowls of shit will surely combine to create the Platonic form of The Arsehole.
I am stultified by their grandeur…drunk on their brilliance…creation itself slides from my awareness and all that remains is a line or two I read in carefree childhood wonderment.
At first there was the humour of the dank cave…then the absurdity of the Gollum…but now all that remains is the stricken loss of naivety…as I was all at once face to face with the wrath of madness:
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Yes, precious, false! They will cheat you, hurt you, LIE.
Dacre: 48% Gove: 52%

Professor Jack Darcy is a musical comedian and sexual ethicist. He presents ‘Apocalypse Live’ and has a late night love and relationships show on Tory FM. He is currently working on his first Edinburgh show Funnylingus: The Last March of The Patriarchy. He is an A* arsehole. You can follow him here, here and here. You can also sign up to his mailing list here.

Guest Predictions: How did The Sun Apologies do?

We asked John Madden from The Sun Apologies  to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Louise Mensch vs Rupert Murdoch

John’s prediction: Mensch 31% – 69% Murdoch

Correct score: Mensch 23% – 77% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Rebekah Brooks vs Richard Littlejohn

John’s prediction: Brooks 48% – 52% Littlejohn

Correct score: Brooks 60% – 40% Littlejohn

Nil points

Piers Morgan vs Paul Dacre

John’s prediction: Morgan 58% – 42% Dacre

Correct score: Morgan 57% – 43% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Liam Fox vs Jeremy Hunt

John’s prediction: Fox 19% – 81% Hunt

Correct score: Fox 22% – 78% Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Tony Blair vs Iain Duncan Smith

John’s prediction: Blair 45% – 55% IDS

Correct score: Blair 36% – 74% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Philip Hammond

John’s prediction: Farage 82% – 18% Hammond

Correct score: Farage 92% – 8% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Katie Hopkins

John’s prediction: Ashley 15% – 85% Hopkins

Correct score: Ashley 19% – 81% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Michael Gove vs Kelvin MacKenzie

John’s prediction: Gove 40% – 60% MacKenzie

Correct score: Gove 51% – 49% MacKenzie

Nil points

Theresa May vs Melanie Phillips

John’s prediction: May 49% – 51% Phillips

Correct score: May 60% – 40 Phillips

Nil points

Toby Young vs Boris Johnson

John’s prediction: Young 12% – 88% Johnson

Correct score: Young 26% – 74% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

John scores 41 points!

Never miss a Sun apology again by following The Sun Apologies here, here and here. You can also follow John here.

Predictions league standings:

1. xxxy 59

2. Unnamed Insider 54

3. Summer Ray 46

4. The Sun Apologies 41

5. Jim Smallman 37

5. Sir Michael 37

6. Tiernan Douieb 24