Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, founder of the Arsehole Premier League Jason Spacey begrudgingly stumbles through the weekend’s fixtures
Tony Blair vs Rupert Murdoch
Ignoring the genocide and crimes against peace and humanity, Tony Blair was a very successful Labour prime minister. Having said that, if you ignore all the murdering, Peter Sutcliffe was a successful lorry driver.
In a year when so many loved and respected celebrities have died, nothing quite sums up the shitness of 2016 better than Rupert Murdoch marrying a former supermodel and declaring himself to be “the happiest man in the world”.
Murdoch’s won nine on the bounce, and there’s no way Blair’s got enough to stop him.
Tony Blair 29% -71% Rupert Murdoch
Michael Gove vs Louise Mensch
Anti-establishment truth wizard Michael Gove spent much of the Leave campaign railing against the elite and standing up for ordinary hardworking people. He would tirelessly hunt down dissenting experts and rubbish their fact-based Nazi heresy. When he’d finished, he’d pop round to the home of non-establishment, anti-elite, media baron Rupert Murdoch to celebrate with lashings of peasant food….actually no, wait, that should read ‘celebrate by lashing some peasants’.
Louise Mensch is so stupid that she could lose an argument with an empty room. She possesses the extraordinary ability of being able to suffer the most toe-curling humiliation imaginable and then carry on as if nothing has happened. To be fair, I’ve got to give her credit for that.
Gove’s overall gitness will win through.
Gove 67% – 33% Mensch
Katie Hopkins vs Philip Hammond
Katie Hopkins’ website claims that she’s on the side of people who strive to succeed. I did look but I couldn’t see the disclaimer stating it doesn’t include people striving to successfully avoid war. Weird that.
I think Philip Hammond’s lowly league position is down to not having carried out his first budget. Apparently he’s facing an £84bn black hole in public finances. Call me cynical, but I’m fairly certain it won’t be Miriam and Monty in Cobham picking up the tab.
I’m certain Hammond will turn his form around, but that won’t start with this game.
Hopkins 89% – 11% Hammond
Toby Young vs Theresa May
Theresa May says Brexit means Brexit. Judging by her first few months in charge, it would also appear that arse means elbow. It’s been a slow start to the season for May, but I predict a top six finish, and the winning run starts here against rent-a-twat Toby Young. Young is pointless and only attended his own stag night to make up the numbers.
Young 37% – 63% May
Nigel Farage vs Liam Fox
For my money, Nigel Farage is the biggest arsehole in this competition. Any suggestion that he in some way represents ordinary people or gives a flying fuck about anyone but himself is laughable. He is a liar, a fraud and he wears yellow cords.
Liam Fox being anywhere near a position of power is just crazy. Ordinarily, being sacked in disgrace would spell the end of a career, and yet he’s been given a key Brexit role. Making him Secretary of State for International Trade is a bit like making Boris Johnson foreign secretary. Oh, wait…
Farage 76% – 24% Fox
Richard Littlejohn vs Paul Dacre
Littlejohn’s inclusion in this league has proved controversial after lexicographers revealed they have been unable to find a word to describe him that isn’t ‘cunt’. You couldn’t make it up!
Paul Dacre is the driver of the outrage bus. His passengers have a deep-seated resentment of the poor, a hatred of things they don’t understand and permanently enabled Caps Locks keys.
Littlejohn 35% – 65% Dacre
Rebekah Brooks vs Mike Ashley
Snake-haired harridan Rebekah Brooks resigned from the News of the World following phone hacking allegations. As an additional punishment she received a £10m pay-off before being reappointed as CEO of News UK. That’ll teach her!
Mike Ashley delighted his workers during a recent visit to his Shirebrook warehouse by pulling out a wad of £50 notes. Ashley joked that he’d just been to a casino, causing all that were gathered to laugh uproariously before hoisting him on their shoulders and declaring him the most brilliant boss ever.
Brooks 57% – 43% Ashley
Kelvin MacKenzie vs Piers Morgan
I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly reasonable. I don’t wish harm on people and I try to do the right thing. However, if Kelvin MacKenzie fell face-first into a deep fat fryer before stumbling backwards under a bus I’d fucking piss myself.
Before Robin Van Persie moved from Arsenal to Man United, Piers Morgan stated that if the transfer went through he would throw himself of Santa Monica pier. It’s believed this promise was a motivating factor in the Dutchman’s move.
MacKenzie 66% – 34% Morgan
Melanie Phillips vs Jeremy Hunt
Phillips is one of the ‘Won’t someone think of the children!’ brigade apart from when it comes to climate change, then the little twats can fuck off and stop moaning.
Hunt has been accused by experts of producing plans that contain “serious flaws” and are “totally uncosted”, seriously damaging morale in the NHS, risking patient safety and misusing his statistics. Some would say his NHS plans are doomed to fail. I’d suggest they’re designed to fail.
Phillips 21% – 79% Hunt
Iain Duncan Smith vs Boris Johnson
People knock Iain Duncan Smith, but he’s lifted a lot of people out of poverty. Admittedly he’s placed them into mortuaries, but it’s the stats that count. The Centre for Social Justice sounds like a worthy thing until you discover that Iain Duncan Smith is chair, and then suddenly it sounds very sinister.
Boris Johnson is officially recognised as the UK’s largest baby. He’s spent the majority of his political career turning up late to things, going on holiday, offending people, comparing the EU to Hitler and disagreeing with himself. Some people think he’s entertaining, but I think he possesses all the appeal of an obese labrador eating a tramp’s sick from a discarded kebab tray.
It’s going to be close but IDS will shade it.
IDS 52% – 48% Johnson