Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, comedy writer and Twitter god Michael Cunningham runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Jeremy Hunt vs Paul Dacre
What a clash of the titans. You’ve got one side of the debate yelling, “Hunt is worse because he derives sexual pleasure from breaking up a true force for good like the NHS” and then you’ve got the other side, yelling, “No way! Dacre injects arsenic into Britain’s bloodstream every day and is one of the most destructive people in British history.” But then I just saunter in, calm everyone down and say, “Look, guys, they’re both the absolute worst.” Everyone just nods in agreement. Peace is restored and I’m quite rightly lauded as a hero.
Hunt 40% Dacre 60%
Rebekah Brooks vs Katie Hopkins
An interesting philosophical debate arises here: Who’s worse? The person who says hateful, toxic things that make the world worse or the person who gives them the platform to do so? The answer, of course, is that they’re both as dreadful as each other and are two of the worst people Britain has ever produced. Actually, they’re not just amongst the worst PEOPLE Britain has produced. They’re amongst the worst THINGS Britain has produced. Right up there with Marmite and pork scratchings.
Brooks 41% Hopkins 59%
Liam Fox vs Rupert Murdoch
Imagine how much better the world would be if Rupert Murdoch had never existed. Like, I’m not saying it’d DEFINITELY be perfect but it PROBABLY would. Like, if I ever get around to completing the construction of my time machine, which, for narrative purposes, will only be capable of one trip to the past, I fully intend to let Hitler live so that I can instead travel to 1930 and desperately plead with Rupert Murdoch’s parents to use contraception. Murdoch destroys Fox here, just like he destroyed the soul of society.
Fox 11% Murdoch 89%
Theresa May vs Louise Mensch
I’ve had some terrible haircuts over the years about which I’m now really embarrassed. I’d like to think that in years to come, the British public will be similarly embarrassed about the honeymoon period they afforded May upon becoming Prime Minister. She’s a truly appalling person and her desire to collect everyone’s communications as Home Secretary was creepy as fuck. But, of course, Louise Mensch is no slouch in the “appalling people” stakes so this could be a titanic battle. Remember the time Mensch posted a picture of what she claimed was Twitter’s autocomplete suggestions but they were actually her own search history? If that had happened to me, I’d have thrown my laptop into a river and never gone online again. Sadly, Louise has no such qualms about public humiliation.
May 54% Mensch 46%
Boris Johnson vs Philip Hammond
As a species, we’ve done so much good work. We’ve created life-affirming poetry, beautiful music and awe-inspiring works of art. But sadly, humanity undid all of this good work when it created Boris Johnson. “What about ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley?” I hear you ask. Nope, I can’t derive any pleasure from it because I can’t get the image of Boris Johnson on that zip wire out of my head. “How about Beethoven’s 9th Symphony?” Nah, can’t enjoy it because Boris Johnson was twice elected mayor of London. “What about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?” No, totally ruined by the existence of Boris Johnson.
Johnson 72% Hammond 28%
Iain Duncan Smith vs Mike Ashley
IDS and Ashley could form a great tag team. They’d be called The Life Destroyers. and their finishing move would be called, “Fuck you for being poor.” They wouldn’t wrestle. They’d just force disabled people to work in horrible warehouses for no money.
Duncan Smith 62% Ashley 38%
Nigel Farage vs Michael Gove
“Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it,” said Michael Gove. “Whatever tolerance, compassion, a willingness to help people less fortunate than me and a reticence to blame foreigners for everything are, I don’t have them,” shot back Nigel Farage. Probably while on Question Time for the 982nd time.
Farage 79% Gove 21%
Richard Littlejohn vs Kelvin MacKenzie
I think it’s wrong that this competition focuses only on the ugly elements of its contestants’ characters. We should instead accentuate their beautiful traits and all the good they’ve done for the world. Now, let’s see. Who’s next? KELVIN MACKENZIE? ONE OF THE WORST FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS OF ALL-TIME AND A TRULY VILE PIECE OF EVIL?? Fuck that idea. MacKenzie is a dark, cavernous hole of hatred out of which nothing good has ever escaped. Littlejohn is a terrible human being with poisonous views but there’s one good thing you can say about him and it’s that at least he’s not Kelvin MacKenzie.
Littlejohn 24% MacKenzie 76%
Melanie Phillips vs Piers Morgan
Negativity is bad for the soul. Thus, I shall endeavour to say only good things about these two competitors. Piers Morgan, for instance, isn’t all bad. He has some surprisingly sensible views on gun control in America. And Melanie Phillips. Well, Melanie Phillips is, um, well, not EVERYTHING she writes is hateful and bigoted drivel that makes the world a worse place. So, you know, credit to her for that.
Phillips 59% Morgan 41%
Toby Young vs Tony Blair
At some point, Toby Young’s family and friends are going to stage an intervention. They’ll sit him down, tell him they love him (probably a lie) and that they’re here for him, before yelling, YOU’RE A 52-YEAR-OLD MAN CALLING YOURSELF “THE TOADMEISTER.” He’ll weep openly and finally admit he’s got a problem. Blair waged an illegal war on false pretenses, destabilised the Middle East and destroyed countless lives and maybe I could overlook that but he’s also responsible for re-popularising “Things Can Only Get Better” by D-Ream in 1997. I don’t expect the voters to forgive him for that.
Young 12% Blair 88%
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