Month: September 2016

Week 7 Predictions: Sun Apologies

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, John Madden from The Sun Apologies runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Louise Mensch vs Rupert Murdoch

“Always two there are. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice.” So said Yoda of the evil Sith in Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menace. Of course, such comparisons to Mensch and Murdoch would be off the mark – they’re far worse than the Sith. With the offensiveness of the Death Star but all the credibility of Jar Jar Binks, Mensch has made a career out of not being much good at everything she tries. The only thing she seems to have been able to turn her hand to with any great aplomb is bullying people on Twitter. Still, it’s no contest really. Rupert Murdoch has poisoned political debate, sowed division and caused hatred wherever the tentacles of his media empire have spread. A comfortable victory for a truly vile man.

Mensch 31% Murdoch 69%

Rebekah Brooks vs Richard Littlejohn

A titanic struggle between two stains on the underpants of journalism. On the one hand you have Rebekah Brooks, Teflon-coated CEO of News International, cleared of all charges of phone hacking at the News of the World while all around her ended up in prison. On the other, Richard Littlejohn. A man who really should be commended for achieving the seemingly impossible feat of having views so repugnant they seem a bit strong even for the Daily Mail. A close match.

Brooks 48% Littlejohn 52%

Piers Morgan vs Paul Dacre

Piers Morgan, chunky-faced sofa-warmer on Good Morning Britain and former editor of the Daily Mirror has carved out a career by having an opinion on all subjects while having expertise in none (see also Rod Liddle and Tony Parsons, surely two contenders for promotion to the league next season). Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, has done more than anyone to fan the flames of xenophobia in the UK. A staunch critic of the EU, while benefiting from at least £460,000 of EU agriculture money since 2011. Another close match but Morgan’s penchant for the limelight means he’ll take this

Morgan 58% Dacre 42%

Liam Fox vs Jeremy Hunt

Fox resigned as Secretary of State for Defence in 2011 for letting his best mate tag along at MoD meetings and pretend he was his adviser. A walking security risk who is now bringing a similar degree of expertise to his role as Secretary of State for International Trade in post-Brexit Britain. God have mercy on us all.

He’ll be smashed by Hunt though. His attempts to smear junior doctors as uncaring militants, his wilful distortion of NHS weekend mortality figures, his determination to impose new contracts which will bring junior doctors to breaking point, his gormless face and rictus grin – all of these will see him romp home.
Fox 19% Hunt 81%

Tony Blair vs Iain Duncan Smith

Tony Blair has the spectre of Iraq hanging over him. That deadly combination of having a powerful military at your disposal while thinking you have God on your side never ends well. It rightly overshadows some of his positive contributions while in office but at least there were positive contributions.

What has IDS contributed? Devastating cuts to the most vulnerable in our society and outright lies about how the NHS would benefit from Brexit.

Blair 45% IDS 55%

Nigel Farage vs Philip Hammond

Nigel Farage. An unrelenting wanker – if only his dad had been too. Once the referendum result had been announced, Farage rightly judged that he was now completely out of his depth and so he promptly pissed off. A xenophobe and a coward. Essential arsehole ingredients.

Hammond tried to blame the 2008 financial crisis on those borrowing money rather than the banks. He’s also an outspoken opponent of same sex marriages. An MP clearly in touch with the people. A tonking at the hands of Farage.

Farage 82% Hammond 18%

Mike Ashley vs Katie Hopkins

As boss of Sports Direct, Ashley has screwed over his workers in pretty much every way imaginable. Such is the culture of fear at the main warehouse, one woman gave birth in the toilets of the warehouse rather than ask for time off.

While Ashley is content to see babies end up on a toilet floor, Hopkins takes pleasure from seeing them washed up dead on the seashore. She wins hands-down.

Ashley 15% Hopkins 85%

Michael Gove vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Hats off to Michael Gove. After the referendum result and subsequent backstabbing of Boris Johnson, he achieved the impossible by uniting the Conservative Party… in hatred of him. That can only be commended. Kelvin MacKenzie on the other hand cannot be. His coverage of Hillsborough alone makes him the biggest arsehole in the league by a mile. However, if you add into the mix the homophobia, Islamophobia, racism and sexism that has permeated his writing over the years then you have a firm favourite to win the Champions League of Arseholes should it ever happen. The Barcelona of arseholes. Arsehole Loner if you will.

Gove 40% MacKenzie 60%

Theresa May vs Melanie Phillips

May gave the green light to the infamous “Go home or face arrest” immigration vans, an idea so repugnant that even UKIP criticised it. Oh and she wants to scrap the Human Rights Act. Now she’s Prime Minister so that’s nice and nothing to worry about at all.

Melanie Phillips has the distinction of having made more appearances on Question Time than David Dimbleby. A staunch opponent of gay rights and a climate change denier, she famously said of Barack Obama that he’s a “sulky narcissist with an unbroken history of involvement in thuggish, corrupt, far-left, black power, Jew-bashing, west-hating politics.” Using her columns to voice her sustained opposition to the MMR vaccine was as dangerous as it was stupid and for that she’ll edge this one.

May 49% Phillips 51%

Toby Young vs Boris Johnson

I’m not sure what it is about Young but I can’t get that angry about him. Any person who can say with a straight face on live TV “I think actually, if anything, it reflects quite well onDavid Cameron”, when discussing David Cameron sticking his Boris Johnson in a dead pig’s mouth, deserves some kind of begrudging respect. Speaking of Boris Johnson, it’s a blessed relief that his clown mask has finally fallen and more people have wised up to his bumbling buffoon shtick. Underneath the shambolic exterior is a deeply unpleasant bigot. Ideal Foreign Secretary material apparently. He’ll win this easily.

Young 12% Johnson 88%

Never miss a Sun apology again by following The Sun Apologies here, here and here. You can also follow John here.

Guest Predictions: How did Unnamed Insider do?

We asked Twitter satirist Unnamed Insider to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Michael Gove Vs Theresa May

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Gove 70% – 30% May

Correct score: Gove 78% – 22% May

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Rebekah Brooks

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Hammond 25% – 75% Brooks

Correct score: Hammond 17% – 83% Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre vs Liam Fox

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Dacre 55% – 45% Fox

Correct score: Dacre 55% – 45% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Katie Hopkins vs Toby Young

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Hopkins 88% – 12% Young

Correct score: Hopkins 86% – 14% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Iain Duncan Smith

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: MacKenzie 40% – 60% IDS

Correct score: MacKenzie 59% – 41% IDS

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Richard Littlejohn

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Blair 90% – 10% Littlejohn

Correct score: Blair 51% – 49% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Boris Johnson

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Morgan 72% – 28% Johnson

Correct score: Morgan 53% – 47% Johnson

Correct winner 5 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Jeremy Hunt

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Murdoch 21% – 79% Hunt

Correct score: Murdoch 63% – 37% Hunt

Nil points

Mike Ashley Vs Melanie Phillips

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Ashley 82% – 18% Phillips

Correct score: Ashely 68% – 32% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Nigel Farage

Unnamed Insider’s prediction: Mensch 38% – 62% Farage

Correct score: Mensch 34% – 66% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Unnamed Insider scores 54 points!

Predictions league standings:

1. @triplexy 59

2. @Unnamedinsider 54

3. @SummerRay 46

4. @jimsmallman 37

4. @Michael1979 37

6. @TiernanDouieb 24

If you don’t follow Unnamed Insider then you should either delete your Twitter account immediately or go here now! @Unnamedinsider

Week 6 Predictions: Unnamed Insider

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, Twitter satirist Unnamed Insider runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Michael Gove Vs Theresa May

This has to be a slam dunk for Gove. Theresa May is clearly a dreadful Diet-Thatcher but she also sacked George Osborne, and put the people shouting loudest for Brexit right into positions to kill their careers when it inevitably degenerates into a fucking shambles. Also importantly she is not David Cameron. Whereas Michael Gove looks like someone explained a human being over the phone, in a hurry. His policies were so idiotically poorly conceived that he’d barely complete the press conference before issuing a U-turn. Like political Herpes he’s only gone for now.

Gove 70% – 30% May

Philip Hammond vs Rebekah Brooks

It’s got to be Rebekah Brooks, she has the kind of memory problems that make the guy from Memento seem like Derren Brown, she was so incompetent she didn’t notice widespread hacking, even when she was paying people to do it, yet she has been welcomed back to News Corp with open arms. Philip Hammond has the kind of dreary background evil which is a prerequisite of being on the Tory front bench, bigotry and indifference to suffering, standard stuff. Rebekah Brooks is so incredibly villainous that if she was in a movie you would think the writer was being lazy.

Hammond 25% – 75% Brooks

Paul Dacre vs Liam Fox

Paul Dacre by a nose. The former disgraced minister and undoubtedly, future disgraced minister Liam Fox isn’t going to let the sheer improbability of his comeback stop him completely fucking it up, calling the businesses he was supposed to be supporting “fat and lazy”. He has the face of man who eats a lot in service stations and wakes every morning still in his clothes, thinking “oh shit who did I text last night?!” On the other hand, Paul Dacre is one of the worse human beings alive. His festering boil of a newspaper ladles bigotry and demonization of the vulnerable into the open mouths and closed brains of the dribbling hominids that read it. However he has been clever at keeping a fairly low profile, so a lot of people have no idea who he is.

Dacre 55% – 45% Fox

Katie Hopkins vs Toby Young

Katie Hopkins without a moments doubt. I feel kind of sorry for Toby Young, you can just picture him at school hanging by his pants from a clothes hook. He is a whining, cautionary tale of a man, whose vindictive politics clearly come from endless rejection and friendlessness. Katie Hopkins on the other hand would drown a refugee herself if it gave her 1000 new twitter followers, and would then write an article entitled ‘If Muslims love Allah so much why did this one struggle so much when I sent her to meet Him?’. If she hasn’t had a sex dream about Trump, I’ll eat my hat.

Hopkins 88% – 12% Young

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Iain Duncan Smith

This is a really tough one. Iain Duncan Smith is a Roald Dahl level of evil, smirking as he took from the poor and sneering as he made the disabled dance for their supper. However, Kelvin MacKenzie’s disgusting coverage of Hillsborough and utter refusal to take responsibility even after the truth was revealed, along with a career of the kind of journalism which would make Goebbels go, “woah steady on fella!” make him a strong contender. Overall though IDS’s rebranding of the disabled as workshy chancers put him ahead.

MacKenzie 40% – 60% IDS

Tony Blair vs Richard Littlejohn

Tony Blair by a country mile. First of all, I have a confession to make, I don’t think Tony Blair is an evil person. I think he is (or at least was) a well-meaning person who has done incredibly appalling things. Whereas Richard Littlejohn is an evil person who has just written some shitty articles. Littlejohn may be a racist, sexist, homophobic half-wit who doesn’t allow his catchphrase ‘you couldn’t make it up’ to stop him frequently making it up, but his actions didn’t kill 100,000s of Iraqis, and ultimately create ISIS.

Blair 90% – 10% Littlejohn

Piers Morgan vs Boris Johnson

I hate Piers Morgan, he is the poster boy of smug self-regard and sanctimonious hypocrisy. He has managed to brush over the fact he faked pictures of British soldiers pissing on Iraqi prisoners at a time when this would have put their lives in danger. I really like Boris, he is funny, self-deprecating and clever. However he is far and away a bigger arsehole than Piers Morgan. From smashing up restaurants with the Bullingdon club to being recorded discussing paying a contract for a journalist to be beaten up, he has shown himself to be a massive bastard. This is before you consider his disgustingly naked bigotry during the Brexit campaign, his dodgy connections to the Chinese companies he has negotiated development deals with as London Mayor, or his love child. But because “it’s Boris, good old affable oaf Boris” the vote will be Piers.

Morgan 72% – 28% Johnson

Rupert Murdoch vs Jeremy Hunt

It’s going to be Jeremy Hunt. It’s really hard to say if it should be or not. Rupert Murdoch is Bleofeld, the head of Hydra, Moriarty, if he ripped his face off and he turned out to be Satan himself, you would think “yeah that figures”. However, he has been keeping his head down recently. Jeremy Hunt not only has taken the NHS out into the street and kicked it to death, not only taken the most famously overworked job of Junior Doctor and rebranded them workshy, not only privatised the country’s most loved public institution through the backdoor, but he did the most evil thing of all…. HE ANNOUNCED HE WAS LEAVING AND THEN FUCKING STAYED!!!! What a monster!

Murdoch 21% – 79% Hunt

Mike Ashley Vs Melanie Phillips

Definitely Mike Ashley. Mike is the worst boss we’ve all had, that total shit who ruined our lives whilst calling women “sugar tits” and going for lunch at a lap-dancing club. He has improbably managed to take being a shitty boss to an entirely new level treating his staff so appallingly I am amazed he wasn’t visited by plagues of locusts and boils. He is the only micromanager to mysteriously not have a clue how his staff were treated or what the company policies were. Melanie Phillips is just a bigot, and worse a hypocrite. She is happy to describe Muslims as ravenously murderous in one breath and then scream “anti-Semitism!!!” in the next when someone dares to criticise the policies of Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu. However, when this hatchet-faced racist pops up on BBC Question Time I can just turn over, whereas for thousands of Sports Direct employees, Mike is there. Every. Fucking. Day.

Ashley 82% – 18% Phillips

Louise Mensch vs Nigel Farage

Louise Mensch is tiresomely self-regarding and treated Brexit with the same level of triviality and blind ignorance as a Justin Belieber fan, but she will never have any effect on any of our lives. Farage has changed the UK for the worse, probably forever. He has taken racism, a concept which we had seemingly permanently positioned as appalling, and rebranded it. Closet racists, xenophobes and bigots have been given carte blanche to take opinions that up until now they had saved for the Daily Mail Comments section and scream them out loud at passing strangers with a foreign accent or brown skin. He has taken us out of the EU on a Leave manifesto so bullshit-heavy that it bends the fabric of space-time. Then he fucked off to leave us to pick up the pieces. If I passed Nigel on the street, I would struggle to resist punching him in his drunk-sweat-shiny face. A win for Nigel.

Mensch 38% – 68% Farage

If you don’t follow Unnamed Insider then you should either delete your Twitter account immediately or go here now! @Unnamedinsider

Guest Predictions: How did Michael Cunningham do?

We asked comedy writer and Twitter god Michael Cunningham to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Jeremy Hunt vs Paul Dacre

Michael’s prediction: Hunt 40% – 60% Dacre

Correct score: Hunt 69% – 31% Dacre

Nil points

Rebekah Brooks vs Katie Hopkins

Michael’s prediction: Brooks 41% – 59% Hopkins

Correct score: Brooks 24% – 76% Hopkins

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Rupert Murdoch

Michael’s prediction: Fox 11% – 89% Murdoch

Correct score: Fox 16% – 84% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Louise Mensch

Michael’s prediction: May 54% – 46% Mensch

Correct score: May 33% – 67% Mensch

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Philip Hammond

Michael’s prediction: Johnson 72% – 28% Hammond

Correct score: Johnson 85% – 15% Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Mike Ashley

Michael’s prediction: IDS 62% – 38% Ashley

Correct score: IDS 68 – 32% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Michael Gove

Michael’s prediction: Farage 79% – 21% Gove

Correct score: Farage 67% – 33% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Michael’s prediction: Littlejohn 24% -76% MacKenzie

Correct score: Littlejohn 28% – 72% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Melanie Phillips vs Piers Morgan

Michael’s prediction: Phillips 59% – 41% Morgan

Correct score: Phillips 22% – 78% Morgan

Nil points

Toby Young vs Tony Blair

Michael’s prediction: Young 12% – 88% Blair

Correct score: Young 43% – 57% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Michael scores 37 points!

Predictions league table

1. @triplexy 59

2. @SummerRay 46

3. @jimsmallman 37

3. @Michael1979 37

5. @TiernanDouieb 24

 

 

 

Week 5 Predictions: Michael Cunningham

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, comedy writer and Twitter god Michael Cunningham runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Jeremy Hunt vs Paul Dacre

What a clash of the titans. You’ve got one side of the debate yelling, “Hunt is worse because he derives sexual pleasure from breaking up a true force for good like the NHS” and then you’ve got the other side, yelling, “No way! Dacre injects arsenic into Britain’s bloodstream every day and is one of the most destructive people in British history.” But then I just saunter in, calm everyone down and say, “Look, guys, they’re both the absolute worst.” Everyone just nods in agreement. Peace is restored and I’m quite rightly lauded as a hero.

Hunt 40% Dacre 60%

Rebekah Brooks vs Katie Hopkins

An interesting philosophical debate arises here: Who’s worse? The person who says hateful, toxic things that make the world worse or the person who gives them the platform to do so? The answer, of course, is that they’re both as dreadful as each other and are two of the worst people Britain has ever produced. Actually, they’re not just amongst the worst PEOPLE Britain has produced. They’re amongst the worst THINGS Britain has produced. Right up there with Marmite and pork scratchings.

Brooks 41% Hopkins 59%

Liam Fox vs Rupert Murdoch

Imagine how much better the world would be if Rupert Murdoch had never existed. Like, I’m not saying it’d DEFINITELY be perfect but it PROBABLY would. Like, if I ever get around to completing the construction of my time machine, which, for narrative purposes, will only be capable of one trip to the past, I fully intend to let Hitler live so that I can instead travel to 1930 and desperately plead with Rupert Murdoch’s parents to use contraception. Murdoch destroys Fox here, just like he destroyed the soul of society.

Fox 11% Murdoch 89%

Theresa May vs Louise Mensch

I’ve had some terrible haircuts over the years about which I’m now really embarrassed. I’d like to think that in years to come, the British public will be similarly embarrassed about the honeymoon period they afforded May upon becoming Prime Minister. She’s a truly appalling person and her desire to collect everyone’s communications as Home Secretary was creepy as fuck. But, of course, Louise Mensch is no slouch in the “appalling people” stakes so this could be a titanic battle. Remember the time Mensch posted a picture of what she claimed was Twitter’s autocomplete suggestions but they were actually her own search history? If that had happened to me, I’d have thrown my laptop into a river and never gone online again. Sadly, Louise has no such qualms about public humiliation.

May 54% Mensch 46%

Boris Johnson vs Philip Hammond

As a species, we’ve done so much good work. We’ve created life-affirming poetry, beautiful music and awe-inspiring works of art. But sadly, humanity undid all of this good work when it created Boris Johnson. “What about ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley?” I hear you ask. Nope, I can’t derive any pleasure from it because I can’t get the image of Boris Johnson on that zip wire out of my head. “How about Beethoven’s 9th Symphony?” Nah, can’t enjoy it because Boris Johnson was twice elected mayor of London. “What about the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?” No, totally ruined by the existence of Boris Johnson.

Johnson 72% Hammond 28%

Iain Duncan Smith vs Mike Ashley

IDS and Ashley could form a great tag team. They’d be called The Life Destroyers. and their finishing move would be called, “Fuck you for being poor.” They wouldn’t wrestle. They’d just force disabled people to work in horrible warehouses for no money.

Duncan Smith 62% Ashley 38%

Nigel Farage vs Michael Gove

“Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it,” said Michael Gove. “Whatever tolerance, compassion, a willingness to help people less fortunate than me and a reticence to blame foreigners for everything are, I don’t have them,” shot back Nigel Farage. Probably while on Question Time for the 982nd time.

Farage 79% Gove 21%

Richard Littlejohn vs Kelvin MacKenzie

I think it’s wrong that this competition focuses only on the ugly elements of its contestants’ characters. We should instead accentuate their beautiful traits and all the good they’ve done for the world. Now, let’s see. Who’s next? KELVIN MACKENZIE? ONE OF THE WORST FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS OF ALL-TIME AND A TRULY VILE PIECE OF EVIL?? Fuck that idea. MacKenzie is a dark, cavernous hole of hatred out of which nothing good has ever escaped. Littlejohn is a terrible human being with poisonous views but there’s one good thing you can say about him and it’s that at least he’s not Kelvin MacKenzie.

Littlejohn 24% MacKenzie 76%

Melanie Phillips vs Piers Morgan

Negativity is bad for the soul. Thus, I shall endeavour to say only good things about these two competitors. Piers Morgan, for instance, isn’t all bad. He has some surprisingly sensible views on gun control in America. And Melanie Phillips. Well, Melanie Phillips is, um, well, not EVERYTHING she writes is hateful and bigoted drivel that makes the world a worse place. So, you know, credit to her for that.

Phillips 59% Morgan 41%

Toby Young vs Tony Blair

At some point, Toby Young’s family and friends are going to stage an intervention. They’ll sit him down, tell him they love him (probably a lie) and that they’re here for him, before yelling, YOU’RE A 52-YEAR-OLD MAN CALLING YOURSELF “THE TOADMEISTER.” He’ll weep openly and finally admit he’s got a problem. Blair waged an illegal war on false pretenses, destabilised the Middle East and destroyed countless lives and maybe I could overlook that but he’s also responsible for re-popularising “Things Can Only Get Better” by D-Ream in 1997. I don’t expect the voters to forgive him for that.

Young 12% Blair 88%

If you don’t follow Michael, you are seriously failing at Twitter! Right this wrong Immediately! @Michael1979

 

 

 

Guest Predictions: How did Jim Smallman do?

We asked writer and stand-up comedian Jim Smallman to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

 

Rupert Murdoch vs Melanie Phillips

Jim’s prediction: Murdoch 72% – 28% Phillips

Correct score: Murdoch 92% – 8% Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Philip Hammond vs Iain Duncan Smith

Jim’s prediction: Hammond 49% – 51% IDS

Correct score: Hammond 11% – 89% IDS

Correct winner: 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Liam Fox

Jim’s prediction: Mensch 58% – 42% Fox

Correct score: Mensch 56% – 44% Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Paul Dacre vs Theresa May

Jim’s prediction: Dacre 35% – 65% May

Correct score: Dacre 60% – 40% May

Nil points

Michael Gove vs Boris Johnson

Jim’s prediction: Gove 57% – 43% Johnson

Correct score: Gove 65% – 35% Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Katie Hopkins vs Richard Littlejohn

Jim’s prediction: Hopkins 71% – 29% Littlejohn

Correct score: Hopkins 84% – 16% Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Toby Young

Jim’s prediction: MacKenzie 90% – 10% Young

Correct score: MacKenzie 84% 16% Young

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley vs Nigel Farage

Jim’s prediction: Ashley 38% – 62% Farage

Correct score: Ashley 20% – 80% Farage

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan vs Jeremy Hunt

Jim’s prediction: Morgan 51% – 49% Hunt

Correct score: Morgan 32% – 68% Hunt

Nil points

Tony Blair vs Rebekah Brooks

Jim’s prediction: Blair 67% – 33% Brooks

Correct score: Blair 43% – 57% Brooks

Nil points

Jim scores 37 points!

For details of upcoming gigs, videos and loads of other wonderful things head over to http://jimsmallman.com/ and follow Jim on Twitter @jimsmallman

Week 4 Predictions: Jim Smallman

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, stand-up comedian and writer Jim Smallman runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

 

Rupert Murdoch vs Melanie Phillips

I reckon Phillips throws this one. After all, she spouts her “opinions” for the Times and that’s owned by Uncle Rupert so she’s unlikely to rock the boat too much. Won’t be a total whitewash though as you don’t get given Stonewall’s “Bigot of the Year” unless you’re a complete arse. But Murdoch is our evil lizard overlord, so he wins.

Murdoch 72% Phillips 28%

 

Philip Hammond vs Iain Duncan Smith

Smith hates disabled people, Hammond hates anybody who has a personal fortune of less than his estimated £9 million.  Tight one this, but I imagine Smith takes it in a result so controversial that it makes his university degree seem legit.

Hammond 49% Smith 51%

 

Louise Mensch vs Liam Fox

Does anybody know what Louise Mensch actually does? We know what Fox does, some politics but mainly claiming expenses. Louise Mensch being part of this is akin to dropping a former Big Brother contestant in a celebrity reality TV show. You don’t know why they’re there or what they do, but you know that you despise them. She takes this one.

Mensch 58% Fox 42%

 

Paul Dacre vs Theresa May

Interesting clash this, between the person who rules the country, shapes all the political decisions, influences the voter… and Theresa May. I mean, our Prime Minister may have put more restrictions on immigration when she was Home Secretary, but compared to Dacre’s thoughts that get filtered through the pages of the Daily Mail she positively loves foreigners. That said, May takes it because she’s PM and in the prime position to be shot at (that’s a metaphor, PLEASE GET THE SWAT TEAM TO STAND DOWN)

Dacre 35% May 65%

 

Michael Gove vs Boris Johnson

A clash of the titans, just remove the “an”. This would be called a “grudge match” in professional wrestling as two former friends collide. I only hope that Gove withdrawing his support for Boris to declare his own running in the Conservative leadership election was done via steel chair to the cranium./ This comes down to who the great British public want to punch less, so Gove takes it because a fair few people still think Boris is a hilarious character act.

Gove 57% Johnson 43%

 

Katie Hopkins vs Richard Littlejohn

The best thing that could happen here is an incredibly localised meteor strike that merely hits the dressing rooms of the two competitors. I imagine Paul Dacre watching his two “journalists” scrapping it out, occasionally saying “good” in the same style as Emperor Palpatine. Two monumental bell-ends of the highest order, but Hopkins takes it thanks to her recent efforts to reinvent herself as an investigative journalist.

Hopkins 71% Littlejohn 29%

 

Kelvin MacKenzie vs Toby Young

The only thing worse than reading a Toby Young column is having him wander in to the restaurant you own and proceed to critique everything you do, like he even knows how to make a risotto. MacKenzie always going to win this, because whilst Young is certainly an arsehole, MacKenzie had thirteen years editing the Sun and there’s only really Hitler and a select few other people who are more evil than him.

MacKenzie 90% Young 10%

 

Mike Ashley vs Nigel Farage

Both men have somewhat reinvented themselves recently, with Ashley’s Sports Direct agreeing to make their working conditions slightly less like a Siberian plutonium gulag, and Farage getting confused as to when Movember is.  Both are utterly loathsome, but Farage gets this one because most of Ashley’s biggest detractors aren’t allowed a break with which to place their vote.

Ashley 38% Farage 62%

 

Piers Morgan vs Jeremy Hunt

Good lord. On one hand you have Piers Morgan, a man so loathsome that Jeremy Clarkson can punch him three times and most of the country says “well, it’s Piers Morgan”. On the other hand, you have a man who gets sexually excited at the thought of breaking up the NHS. This one to be decided by one vote from Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsey, screaming “this is for calling me whatshisname”.

Morgan 51% Hunt 49%

 

Tony Blair vs Rebekah Brooks

TWO MATES COLLIDE! This’ll be interesting, but probably comes down to what makes you despise someone more: Is it that they led us into an unethical war willy-nilly with not a thought to the consequences then claiming they knew nothing about it, or is it because they’re ginger and like hacking into phones then claiming they knew nothing about it? Blair takes this one on name recognition alone.

Blair 67% Brooks 33%

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