Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, writer and comedy actress Sarah Sumeray runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Jeremy Hunt vs Louise Mensch
Two top, top twats but I reckon Mensch 30%, Hunt 70% purely for how many actual lives he’s actively ruining. Besides, your surname doesn’t rhyme with cunt unless you are one. Fact.
Richard Littlejohn vs Philip Hammond
I’m thinking Littlejohn 35%, Hammond 65%. Littlejohn has been one of the worst, least informed ‘journalists’ for so long that he could quite comfortably be considered a vintage arsehole, but Hammond is literally a human mash-up of everyone’s idea of the worst uncle ever, so he wins.
Rebekah Brooks vs Kelvin Mackenzie
Brooks 35%, Mackenzie 65%. I don’t think it’s too much of an exaggeration to say Brooks and Mackenzie are two of Satan’s most beloved offsprings but Mackenzie will probably wins this, as both the Hillsborough disaster and the fact that he is a blatant racist is fresh on people’s minds.
Liam Fox vs Michael Gove
Fox 47%, Gove 53%. Yep, it’s tight competition, although not as tight as the two of them when asked to pay for something out of their own pocket.
I think Gove will win this by a narrow margin as not only does he emit the aura of an arsehole but, impressively, he also has the face of one.
Theresa May vs Piers Morgan
May 30%, Morgan 70%. I’m not sure how much of an arsehole you have to be to out-arsehole Piers Morgan but I feel it would take quite a lot. You’d probably have to be a literal arsehole, constantly shitting out loads of tiny arse-shaped pellets. I don’t know.
Melanie Philips vs Tony Blair
Philips 25%, Blair 75%. The receiver of an official ‘bigot of the year’ award, Philips is a pretty terrible human being, BUT Tony Blair did drag us into a war that resulted in the death of thousands, so fair is fair.
Toby Young vs Paul Dacre
Young 45%, Dacre 55%. Toby Young is smugness personified. Whatever amount of water the average human body contains, it has all been replaced in Toby Young’s body with liquid smugness. He’s like one of those 3D Magic Eye illusions that you stare at to find the hidden image and if you stared at Toby Young for long enough, he’d morph into the word S M U G. He’s an arsehole, no doubt about it.
However, Dacre is the editor of the Daily Mail, which makes him the conductor of an entire symphony of arseholes. He wins.
Nigel Farage vs Rupert Murdoch
Farage 40%, Murdoch 60%. I pondered over this one for quite a while. Farage is a grade A A-hole, sure, but I’m pretty sure everything bad in the world has some sort of link back to Murdoch, so I’m thinking he’ll win here.
Iain Duncan Smith vs Katie Hopkins
Hopkins 42%, Duncan Smith 58%. Katie Hopkins spews out more bile than a decrepit cat after a feast of salmonella riddled sparrows. However, I feel that as an avid fan of watching people struggle to survive, Iain Duncan Smith is the bigger arsehole here and is set to win this round.
Boris Johnson vs Mike Ashley
Ashley 35%, Johnson 65%. There’s no denying it, being the founder of a sports retail company that exploits its employees to such a degree that even pregnant workers are having to pop out babies in shop toilets, makes you a pretty big arsehole, but let’s be honest – Boris Johnson did all he could to make Brexit happen and then pussied out when it did. An overlord of arseholes.