Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.
This week, stand-up comedian, writer, podcaster and actor Tiernan Douieb runs through the weekend’s fixtures.
Liam Fox vs Theresa May
Tough one this but I think it’ll be Liam Fox 65% Theresa May 35%. The UK is the only country to have two crappy Mays in one year, but Fox is an official disgrace and you can bet if he goes through to the next round he’ll take Adam Werrity with him as an ‘advisor’.
Louise Mensch vs Piers Morgan
Louise Mensch 45% Piers Morgan 55%. Two gigantic arseholes, but I’m reckoning Piers will win on account of his face like a swollen knee making people feel slightly more sick than Mensch’s. Slightly.
Richard Littlejohn vs Iain Duncan Smith
Littlejohn 65% IDS 35% because since the Brexit we don’t have to hear from IDS anywhere as often as Littlejohn vomits out columns.
Rebekah Brooks vs Toby Young
Brooks 30% Toby Young 70%. Similar to the Littlejohn/IDS one, we haven’t heard from forgetful horse lender Brooks in a while, but Penfold’s shitty twin Young is endlessly ruining words by using them in opinions you’d only have if you banged your head far too hard over and over again.
Katie Hopkins vs Kelvin MacKenzie
Hopkins 48% MacKenzie 52%. I reckon MacKenzie will pip it over hateful Kate because of his recent complaint saying it wasn’t appropriate that a C4 newsreader wore a hijab while reporting on the Nice attack. If that’s the case, MacKenzie should never be allowed to be seen on any TV before 9pm because it’s inappropriate to have such a massive bellend on before the watershed.
Melanie Phillips vs Nigel Farage
Phillips 25% Farage 75%. I can’t stand Phillips but while her writing is essentially her typing ‘what is the opposite of reasonable and decent’ into Google and copy & pasting it into an article, at least she doesn’t publish them then immediately run away, leaving one of four Jeremy Kyle guest hopefuls to take charge instead.
Boris Johnson vs Tony Blair
Johnson 65% Blair 35%. I expect Lord Chilcot has already blocked out the next 50 years for all the reports he’ll have to write following scarecrow pig Johnson’s time as Foreign Secretary.
Philip Hammond vs Michael Gove
Hammond 15% Gove 85%. But what would I know? Everyone’s had enough of experts right?
Rupert Murdoch vs Paul Dacre
Murdoch 55% Dacre 45% mainly because Murdoch has even more publications to be an arsehole with.
Jeremy Hunt vs Mike Ashley
Hunt 35% Ashley 65%. Mike Ashley is fully aware that he’s a Grade A arsehole and revels in it. Hunt barely seems aware of who he is and probably struggles to breath without thinking about it.
You can follow Tiernan on Twitter @TiernanDouieb and sign up to his mailing list at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk for info on upcoming gigs and loads of other stuff. You can also download A Night To Restore Sanity 2016 featuring Tiernan, Phil Jupitus, Keith Farnan, Chris Coltrane, Mr Gee, Jessica Fostekew, Andy Zaltzman, Jonny & The Baptists, Hassan Akkad, Pippa Evans, Chimene Suleyman, Andrew O’Neill, Bridget Minamore, Tez Ilyas, Ball Zee, Eleanor Tiernan, Jay Foreman, Nish Kumar, Steve Pretty, and Mitch Benn! All proceeds go to Help Refugees.
What are you waiting for?!