Month: August 2016

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Guest Predictions: How did Sarah Sumeray do?

We asked writer and comedy actress Sarah Sumeray to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how she did.

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Jeremy Hunt vs Louise Mensch

Sarah’s prediction: Hunt 70% – 30% Mensch

Correct score: Hunt 64% – 36% Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Richard Littlejohn vs Philip Hammond

Sarah’s prediction: Littlejohn 35% – 65% Hammond

Correct score: Littlejohn 79% – 21% Hammond

Nil points

Rebekah Brooks vs Kelvin Mackenzie

Sarah’s prediction: Brooks 35% – 65% MacKenzie

Correct score: Brooks 30% – 70% MacKenzie

Correct winner: 5 points

Liam Fox vs Michael Gove

Sarah’s prediction: Fox 47% – 53% Gove

Correct score: Fox 19% – 81% Gove

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May vs Piers Morgan

Sarah’s prediction: May 30% – 70% Morgan

Correct score: May 26% – 74% Morgan

Correct Winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Melanie Philips vs Tony Blair

Sarah’s prediction: Philips 25% – 75% Blair

Correct score: Phillips 38% – 62% Blair

Correct winner: 5 points

Toby Young vs Paul Dacre

Sarah’s prediction: Young 45% – 55% Dacre

Correct score: Young 34% – 66% Dacre

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage vs Rupert Murdoch

Sarah’s prediction: Farage 40% – 60% Murdoch

Correct score: Farage 44% – 56% Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Iain Duncan Smith vs Katie Hopkins

Sarah’s prediction: IDS 58% – 42% Hopkins

Correct score: IDS 29% – 71% Hopkins

Nil points

Boris Johnson vs Mike Ashley

Sarah’s prediction: Johnson 65% – 35% Ashley

Correct score: Johnson 64% – 36% Ashley

Correct winner: 5 points

Accuracy bonus: 2 points

Sarah scores 46 points!

You can find videos and loads of other brilliant stuff at Sarah’s website www.sarahsumerayonline.com and on Twitter @SummerRay

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Week 3 Predictions: Sarah Sumeray

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, writer and comedy actress Sarah Sumeray runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Jeremy Hunt vs Louise Mensch

Two top, top twats but I reckon Mensch 30%, Hunt 70% purely for how many actual lives he’s actively ruining. Besides, your surname doesn’t rhyme with cunt unless you are one. Fact.

Richard Littlejohn vs Philip Hammond

I’m thinking Littlejohn 35%, Hammond 65%. Littlejohn has been one of the worst, least informed ‘journalists’ for so long that he could quite comfortably be considered a vintage arsehole, but Hammond is literally a human mash-up of everyone’s idea of the worst uncle ever, so he wins.

Rebekah Brooks vs Kelvin Mackenzie

Brooks 35%, Mackenzie 65%. I don’t think it’s too much of an exaggeration to say Brooks and Mackenzie are two of Satan’s most beloved offsprings but Mackenzie will probably wins this, as both the Hillsborough disaster and the fact that he is a blatant racist is fresh on people’s minds.

Liam Fox vs Michael Gove

Fox 47%, Gove 53%. Yep, it’s tight competition, although not as tight as the two of them when asked to pay for something out of their own pocket.
I think Gove will win this by a narrow margin as not only does he emit the aura of an arsehole but, impressively, he also has the face of one.

Theresa May vs Piers Morgan

May 30%, Morgan 70%. I’m not sure how much of an arsehole you have to be to out-arsehole Piers Morgan but I feel it would take quite a lot. You’d probably have to be a literal arsehole, constantly shitting out loads of tiny arse-shaped pellets. I don’t know.

Melanie Philips vs Tony Blair

Philips 25%, Blair 75%. The receiver of an official ‘bigot of the year’ award, Philips is a pretty terrible human being, BUT Tony Blair did drag us into a war that resulted in the death of thousands, so fair is fair.

Toby Young vs Paul Dacre

Young 45%, Dacre 55%. Toby Young is smugness personified. Whatever amount of water the average human body contains, it has all been replaced in Toby Young’s body with liquid smugness. He’s like one of those 3D Magic Eye illusions that you stare at to find the hidden image and if you stared at Toby Young for long enough, he’d morph into the word S M U G. He’s an arsehole, no doubt about it.

However, Dacre is the editor of the Daily Mail, which makes him the conductor of an entire symphony of arseholes. He wins.

Nigel Farage vs Rupert Murdoch

Farage 40%, Murdoch 60%. I pondered over this one for quite a while. Farage is a grade A A-hole, sure, but I’m pretty sure everything bad in the world has some sort of link back to Murdoch, so I’m thinking he’ll win here.

Iain Duncan Smith vs Katie Hopkins
Hopkins 42%, Duncan Smith 58%. Katie Hopkins spews out more bile than a decrepit cat after a feast of salmonella riddled sparrows. However, I feel that as an avid fan of watching people struggle to survive, Iain Duncan Smith is the bigger arsehole here and is set to win this round.

Boris Johnson vs Mike Ashley
Ashley 35%, Johnson 65%. There’s no denying it, being the founder of a sports retail company that exploits its employees to such a degree that even pregnant workers are having to pop out babies in shop toilets, makes you a pretty big arsehole, but let’s be honest – Boris Johnson did all he could to make Brexit happen and then pussied out when it did. An overlord of arseholes.

You can find videos and loads of other brilliant stuff at Sarah’s website www.sarahsumerayonline.com and on Twitter @SummerRay

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Guest Predictions: How did xxxy do?

We asked Berlin-based UK garage/house producer xxxy to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Michael Gove v Melanie Phillips

xxxy’s prediction: Gove 75 -25 Phillips

Correct score: Gove 80 – 20 Phillips

Correct winner: 5 points

Theresa May v Rupert Murdoch

xxxy’s prediction: May 30 – 70 Murdoch

Correct score: May 6 – 94 Murdoch

Correct winner: 5 points

Paul Dacre v Louise Mensch

xxxy’s prediction: Dacre 55 – 45 Mensch

Correct score: Dacre 54 – 46 Mensch

Correct winner: 5 points

Score accuracy bonus: 2 points

Kelvin MacKenzie v Boris Johnson

xxxy’s prediction: MacKenzie 45 – 55 Johnson

Correct score: MacKenzie 61 – 39 Johnson

Correct winner: 5 points

Piers Morgan v Liam Fox

xxxy’s prediction: Morgan 67 – 33 Fox

Correct score: Morgan 67 – 33 Fox

Correct winner: 5 points

Bang on the money bonus: 10 points

Toby Young v Richard Littlejohn

xxxy’s prediction: Young 45 – 55 Littlejohn

Correct score: Young 28 – 72 Littlejohn

Correct winner: 5 points

Nigel Farage v Jeremy Hunt

xxxy’s prediction: Farage 53 – 47 Hunt

Correct score: Farage 58 – 42 Hunt

Correct winner: 5 points

Score accuracy bonus 2 points

Iain Duncan Smith v Rebekah Brooks

xxxy’s prediction: IDS 59 – 41 Brooks

Correct score: IDS 64 – 36 Brooks

Correct winner: 5 points

Mike Ashley v Philip Hammond

xxxy’s prediction: Ashley 52 – 48 Hammond

Correct score: Ashley 79 – 21 Hammond

Correct winner: 5 points

xxxy scores 59 points!

Follow xxxy on Twitter @triplexy

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Week 2 Predictions: xxxy

 

This week’s guest predictor is Berlin-based UK garage/house producer xxxy.

 

Michael Gove v Melanie Phillips

Gove 75 – 25 Phillips

I think in the battle of the brexiteers, it comes down to who is the most renowned, and Gove, coming off the back of a big victory in his first fixture, will win based on the fact that more people will be aware of his arseholery.

Theresa May v Rupert Murdoch

May 30 – 70 Murdoch

The new PM versus the Real Madrid of arseholes. Murdoch would hold many league titles if this had been going for longer that a week. I’d be surprised if Murdoch doesn’t win the whole thing comfortably.

Paul Dacre v Louise Mensch

Dacre 55 – 45 Mensch

Tough one to call. One is the editor of the Mail, the other is trying to position herself as the new Katie Hopkins. I think Dacre will pip Mensch but they are both complete arseholes.

Kelvin MacKenzie v  Boris Johnson

MacKenzie 45 – 55 Johnson

Another close call. A man who printed lies about Hillsborough versus a man who will do anything to get himself as far in politics as possible. I think the Foreign Secretary (gag) will pip this one.

Piers Morgan v Liam Fox

There’s being an arsehole, there’s being a narcissistic arsehole and then there’s being Piers Morgan. Although Fox should be better known for letting his mate sit in on meetings at MoD , although his public spat with Boris may help him claw back some consolation votes.

Morgan 67- 33 Fox

Toby Young v Richard Littlejohn

Tough to call this one, but I think the ‘Toadmeister’, despite writing and tweeting complete shit, isn’t as well known as Littlejohn. After a heavy defeat in the opening fixture I think Littlejohn will pip him.

Young 45 – 55 Littlejohn

Nigel Farage v Jeremy Hunt

Two heavy-hitters here, both with big wins in the first round. I think Farage was worried about not taking the title so grew a tache, and Hunt is just Hunt.

Farage 53 – 47 Hunt

Iain Duncan Smith v Rebekah Brooks

Can’t see Brooks taking this. She’s not been in the news much, where as IDS will stain people’s memories for many years to come.

IDS 59 – 41 Brooks

Mike Ashley v Philip Hammond

Big Zero Hours Mike will take this one I think. I just don’t think Hammond has been high profile for long enough to take the victory. Should be tight though

Ashley 52 – 48 Hammond

Follow xxxy on Twitter @triplexy

Tiernan-Douieb-predictions

Guest Predictions: How did Tiernan Douieb do?

We asked Stand-up comedian, writer, podcaster and actor Tiernan Douieb to predict the results of the weekend’s fixtures. The results are in, so let’s have a look at how he did

10 points are awarded for getting the result bang on the money, 5 points for predicting the correct winner and 2 bonus points for getting within 5% of the score (Only if the correct winner is predicted).

Liam Fox vs Theresa May

Tiernan’s prediction: Liam Fox 65% – 35% Theresa May

Score: Liam Fox 58% – 42% Theresa May

Correct winner – 5 points

Louise Mensch vs Piers Morgan

Tiernan’s prediction: Louise Mensch 45% – 55% Piers Morgan

Score: Louise Mensch 55% – 45% Piers Morgan

Nil points

Richard Littlejohn vs Iain Duncan Smith

Tiernan’s prediction: Richard Littlejohn 65% – 35% Iain Duncan Smith

Score: Richard LittleJohn 43% – 57% Iain Duncan Smith

Nil points

Rebekah Brooks vs Toby Young

Tiernan’s prediction: Rebekah Brooks 30% – 70% Toby Young

Score: Rebekah Brooks 63% – 37% Toby Young

Nil points

Katie Hopkins vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Tiernan’s prediction: Katie Hopkins 48% – 52% Kelvin MacKenzie

Score: Katie Hopkins 57% – 43% Kelvin MacKenzie

Nil points

Melanie Phillips vs Nigel Farage

Tiernan’s prediction: Melanie Phillips 25% – 75% Nigel Farage

Score: Melanie Phillips 26% – 74% Nigel Farage

Correct winner – 5 points

Score accuracy bonus – 2 points

Boris Johnson vs Tony Blair

Tiernan’s prediction: Boris Johnson 65% – 35% Tony Blair

Score: Boris Johnson 49% – 51% Tony Blair

Nil points

Philip Hammond vs Michael Gove

Tiernan’s prediction: Philip Hammond 15% – 85% Michael Gove

Score: Philip Hammond 16% – 84% Michael Gove

Correct winner – 5 points

Score accuracy bonus – 2 points

Rupert Murdoch vs Paul Dacre

Tiernan’s prediction: Rupert Murdoch 55% – 45% Paul Dacre

Score: Rupert Murdoch 68% – 32% Paul Dacre

Correct winner – 5 points

Jeremy Hunt vs Mike Ashley

Tiernan’s prediction: Jeremy Hunt 35% – 65% Mike Ashley

Score: Jeremy Hunt 74% – 26% Mike Ashley

Nil points

Tiernan scores 24 points!

You can follow Tiernan on Twitter @TiernanDouieb and sign up to his mailing list at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk for info on upcoming gigs and loads of other stuff. You can also download A Night To Restore Sanity 2016 featuring Tiernan, Phil Jupitus, Keith Farnan, Chris Coltrane, Mr Gee, Jessica Fostekew, Andy Zaltzman, Jonny & The Baptists, Hassan Akkad, Pippa Evans, Chimene Suleyman, Andrew O’Neill, Bridget Minamore, Tez Ilyas, Ball Zee, Eleanor Tiernan, Jay Foreman, Nish Kumar, Steve Pretty, and Mitch Benn! All proceeds go to Help Refugees.

 

Our next guest predictor is xxxy

Tiernan-Douieb-predictions

Week 1 Predictions: Tiernan Douieb

Each week we’ll be asking a carefully selected guest (who is definitely not the first person we can find who’ll agree to do it) to predict the outcome of the next round of Arsehole Premier League matches.

This week, stand-up comedian, writer, podcaster and actor Tiernan Douieb runs through the weekend’s fixtures.

Liam Fox vs Theresa May

Tough one this but I think it’ll be Liam Fox 65% Theresa May 35%. The UK is the only country to have two crappy Mays in one year, but Fox is an official disgrace and you can bet if he goes through to the next round he’ll take Adam Werrity with him as an ‘advisor’.

Louise Mensch vs Piers Morgan

Louise Mensch 45% Piers Morgan 55%. Two gigantic arseholes, but I’m reckoning Piers will win on account of his face like a swollen knee making people feel slightly more sick than Mensch’s. Slightly.

Richard Littlejohn vs Iain Duncan Smith

Littlejohn 65% IDS 35% because since the Brexit we don’t have to hear from IDS anywhere as often as Littlejohn vomits out columns.

Rebekah Brooks vs Toby Young

Brooks 30% Toby Young 70%. Similar to the Littlejohn/IDS one, we haven’t heard from forgetful horse lender Brooks in a while, but Penfold’s shitty twin Young is endlessly ruining words by using them in opinions you’d only have if you banged your head far too hard over and over again.

Katie Hopkins vs Kelvin MacKenzie

Hopkins 48% MacKenzie 52%. I reckon MacKenzie will pip it over hateful Kate because of his recent complaint saying it wasn’t appropriate that a C4 newsreader wore a hijab while reporting on the Nice attack. If that’s the case, MacKenzie should never be allowed to be seen on any TV before 9pm because it’s inappropriate to have such a massive bellend on before the watershed.

Melanie Phillips vs Nigel Farage

Phillips 25% Farage 75%. I can’t stand Phillips but while her writing is essentially her typing ‘what is the opposite of reasonable and decent’ into Google and copy & pasting it into an article, at least she doesn’t publish them then immediately run away, leaving one of four Jeremy Kyle guest hopefuls to take charge instead.

Boris Johnson vs Tony Blair

Johnson 65% Blair 35%. I expect Lord Chilcot has already blocked out the next 50 years for all the reports he’ll have to write following scarecrow pig Johnson’s time as Foreign Secretary.

Philip Hammond vs Michael Gove

Hammond 15% Gove 85%. But what would I know? Everyone’s had enough of experts right?

Rupert Murdoch vs Paul Dacre

Murdoch 55% Dacre 45% mainly because Murdoch has even more publications to be an arsehole with.

Jeremy Hunt vs Mike Ashley

Hunt 35% Ashley 65%. Mike Ashley is fully aware that he’s a Grade A arsehole and revels in it. Hunt barely seems aware of who he is and probably struggles to breath without thinking about it.

You can follow Tiernan on Twitter @TiernanDouieb and sign up to his mailing list at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk for info on upcoming gigs and loads of other stuff. You can also download A Night To Restore Sanity 2016 featuring Tiernan, Phil Jupitus, Keith Farnan, Chris Coltrane, Mr Gee, Jessica Fostekew, Andy Zaltzman, Jonny & The Baptists, Hassan Akkad, Pippa Evans, Chimene Suleyman, Andrew O’Neill, Bridget Minamore, Tez Ilyas, Ball Zee, Eleanor Tiernan, Jay Foreman, Nish Kumar, Steve Pretty, and Mitch Benn! All proceeds go to Help Refugees.

What are you waiting for?!

Introducing the Arsehole Premier League

The Arsehole Premier League is borne out of the World Cup of Arseholes, a competition set up by Jason Spacey in May 2016. The World Cup of Arseholes was a competition that comprised of two stages: a group stage followed by a knockout stage. The outcome of the competition was determined by public vote.

The Arsehole Premier League will feature 20 Arseholes who will play 38 matches each (playing each team in the league twice, home and away), totalling 380 matches in the season.

As with the World Cup of Arseholes, the public will decide the result of each fixture by means of a poll.

Most fixtures will played on Saturday and Sunday afternoons; others during weekday evenings.

Information on fixtures will be made available in advance and publicised on the Arsehole Premier League’s Twitter page.